Scripts and Guided Meditation

In the beginning, All That Is, was One. No other, no fragmentation, no you and me. Just one seamless consciousness who’s nature was what the mystics have called Satchitananda, Truth, Consciousness, and Bliss; or collectively, Love. When that Oneness gave birth, part of the One remained Whole, and the rest went forth. We were shinning spheres of light made in the image of our Oneness.

Our journey had begun, and through that journeying we grew further and further apart from each other, and from Source. We made many mistakes which have only increased in intensity and cruelty. Those mistakes have evolved into the most hideous crimes and violations of other(s) that one can imagine. We are a long ways from the Love that was our beingness so long ago.

Our desire to know that “we are good beings”, is our desire to return to that Love. We desire to know that our actions have not so degraded our being that we are no longer worthy of being loved, or that we are that Love.

As a result of separation there are many scripts that need healing within my/our being. One of mine is: separation, my mistakes, judgment of self, and the conclusion that I am bad. Another is: separation, abandonment, betrayal, and fear. Later in these writings, I’ll discover how my resentment is woven into separation.

How I judge myself as bad has had ample opportunity to present itself. From short tempered moments with a loved one, to unpleasant past life memories of war and killing; I am not, and we are not, innocent anymore. We have made many mistakes.

Because of that “badness”, God is so disappointed in me and humanity that He has left. If I was good, God would still be present with me. God is gone, and that means His love and Light are gone. This is a very big hole in one’s existence, and a gigantic judgment against oneself. I am so bad and undeserving that God has withdrawn Himself from my existence. Ugh!

One of the consequences of that abandonment, God’s leaving, is the feeling of being betrayed, which for me at this point generates anger and resentment at God. In addition, if I express my anger at God for His abandonment, there is the further fear of His retaliation. After all, God flooded the earth because He was angry with mankind. If I fight with God, I am sure to come out the looser. Perhaps it is better to just keep silent about all this.

This script: we are bad and therefore not deserving of love, is being played out within us whether it is through a religious context, or various psychological models, or held unconsciously as feelings and beliefs.

In the religious context, Christianity teaches we are sinners, and that we are innately sinful. Punishment is the judgment of God. In other religions, Karma, the impersonal workings of cause and effect are the punishment for our wrong doings. In either case, we pay for our wrong doings with the hope that the punishment will somehow magically absolved us of our sins.

Underneath our sinful nature, we hope and desire to know that we are intrinsically good beings... and that we will be found worthy in God’s eyes, so we can once again be in God’s favor and return to His side.

Christianity views sin/atonement/redemption as the word and judgment of God, rather than seeing these judgments as how humanity views itself in relationship to God. “Be though perfect as thy Father is perfect”. Separation, sin, punishment as atonement, and redemption are not God’s judgments. Rather, they are humanity’s judgments against itself for our “fall from grace”, for our transgressions against others, and humanity’s desire to be redeemed, returned to “heaven”.

God has already forgiven us. That forgiveness is not a license for humanity to go on abusing others, rather it is a step in our healing. We need to learn forgiveness and compassion for ourselves and others, and we need to learn the lesson of “being harmless and empowered”. And we need to heal our relationship with God.

The same line of thinking could be expressed in new age terms. Our journey began with our separation from Source, our fall from grace. Initially, we were like the child, innocent, pure, curious, and full of life. The vastness of the universe lay before us. Like the new born infant who had just emerged from its cosmic womb, we didn’t have any experience separate from our Oneness. We were naive, but we were capable of creating having been made in the likeness of our Oneness.

Having bitten of the apple, our journeying would take us deep into separation, and good and evil. We would create suffering and death. We would destroy paradise, and create hell. For that, there is heavy judgment... shame and guilt, and all that those feelings bring.

Now there is the desire to end the suffering and heal. A desire to recognize the sacredness of all life. A desire return to the Love that we were/are, the kingdom.

I think these beliefs and feelings are primordial experiences that predate any religion. Whatever the means/catalyst, the issues at the core are the same. My injury is my catalyst, the means by which these issue will come to light.

I accept that we are the creators of our reality. This means on some very basic level what is occurring in our life is the manifestation of our psyche. Along with our personal contribution to creating reality there is our subconscious and all that is stored there, and our soul and all that lies beyond and above. (behind the scene).

If my injury is to have meaning, to contribute to my healing and serve my development as a being, then I need to discover what this accident is representing for me. The daunting task is uncovering those invisible causes which are foundational to what I consider to be an undesirable effect and event in my life.

Because of my dancing background, I knew the cause of the injury was not physical. Otherwise, I might have blamed not warming up enough before I played as the cause. I knew my tendon did not rip from the physical activity. I was sure of that. It seemed to have just happened out of the blue for no reason, and I was angry about it. This is important. For my emotional expression played a large part in my exploration and what I discovered.

I ranted. I was angry at the universe and that bad things can happen to me for no apparent reason. I was mad at God, soul, and any invisible forces that contributed to this injury. I was mad at manifestation. I was mad about the lack of control I seem to have over my life, and my inability to keep myself safe. I was mad about being vulnerable. I was mad that my good intentions manifested as an injury and an impairment to my body and my ability to enjoy myself. I was mad that anyone would be so audacious as to call this a “gift”.

Of course my expression was tempered in the hopes that if anyone was listening, like spirit or God, then they wouldn’t totally give up on me or abandon me even further, or worst retaliate by further injuring me. I didn’t want to incur any further wrath of the gods, yet I still I wanted them to know I thought this was pretty darn nasty of them.

I mean does spirit have any more right to go around injuring people under the guise of this is for you own healing than I would to go around and hurt someone in the name of some healing they will appreciate in the future? This idea carried to extremes has been one of religion’s greatest follies and one of the pinnacles of human insanity, the waging of wars in the name of God.

Generally speaking, I fall into the category of new age spiritualist. This means I usually don’t go around ranting at the universe and God. It was very unusual for me to express myself in that way. Like most new agers, I meditate, seek joy and bliss, and wonder if I’ll ever ascend and get the heck out of here.

These emotions, anger and pain, and the associated beliefs surrounding the issue of my injury are not held by my primary waking consciousness. They are stored in my subconscious. Parts, subpersonalities will embody these emotions and beliefs, my anger and my vulnerability. My unawareness of them is why it is so disrupting and mysterious to my main waking personality, and why it seems so unfair. The event will bring these shadow parts with their emotions and beliefs to the foreground. The event will act as a catalyst.

I don’t like the word gift, for gift implies something pleasant. There is nothing pleasant about injuries, accidents, or diseases. Calling them a gift is denial of the pain and suffering. However, the injury can act as a catalyst to bring that which is buried in my subconscious to the surface. Then I have the opportunity to heal those past scripts and emotions which the injury represents. That is the good that can come out of the situation. Catalyst and opportunity... a hard way to learn. Not a gift.

At the time of this injury I was participating in a guided meditation class. The following is the guided meditation and my responses.

Following a path you come to a gate. It is the Gate of Unawareness.

As I approach the gate, I kick the doors open.

There is a sign that says, This Way To Divine Purpose.

Following the sign I come to another gate which says, Divine Purpose - Inquire Within

Three guides appear.

One guide says, “Reach into your pocket and find the divine purpose there”.

I reach into my pocket and pull out a bright green stone. I think to myself green, the Fourth Ray of Harmony Through Conflict

Another gate appears and I’m thinking of just kicking that one in too, but feel I should be a bit more gentle.

There is a key which opens this gate. It is the key of willingness, willing to unlock the gate.

On the gate doors is written, Greatest Obstacle to Moving Forward. DK makes some suggestions as to what those obstacles may be; fear of failure, fear of success, anger, simplicity, attachment, desires, or resistance.

I’m beginning to see myself as a grumpy old man. The thoughts that come to mind are; grumpy, anger, abandonment, and resentment.

Another sign says, Willingness Equals Responsibility.

A guide offers his had to help me.

I reject his hand, and tell him I can do it myself. I’m equal, lets go as friends. I grab the guide around the waist and we continue.

The guides lead me to a clear pool. It is the pool of Full Participation. The pool reflects who we are. The guide asks, “Who do you see?”

I see a grumpy gruff old man. The feeling is of old stuff through many lifetimes.

The guide wishes to lead me into the pool for a baptism.

Once again I refuse his help. I walk over to the pool and submerge myself in the water. No big deal really. What is the big deal?

I hold my breath and open my eyes underwater.

The guide say you are now able to fully respond to the next step in your life’s journey.

Getting out of the pool, I am lead to a fire or flame. It is the fire or flame of affirmation and confirmation.

I’m dried and warmed by the flame. I’m impatient, let’s get on with it.

Each guide is to give me a gift.

One guide comes forward and offers me the gift of friendship. He says to tell him my sorrows, my pain, and my hopes.

He was offering to be my friend.

I was grateful.

The guides leave saying, “Where we are going you shall go also. You stand alone on the path.”

Again I’m angry. Why can’t I go too? Why am I being left here? Why can't I go where I want to go? I’m equal in my divinity. There is no reason for me to be left trapped here. I’m angry and resentful for not having my full knowingness and freedom!

I feel betrayed. I am a lonely old man, and finally I’ll die. There is a polarity between the eternity with its life and joy; and physical existence with its death, loneliness, suffering, ignorance and false promises.

I accept the friendship.

End of guided meditation.

After the meditation DK offered me the following comments:

“The resentment has been with you through lifetimes, and it is yours. It is yours to deal with.

“You learned in childhood to wall off your consciousness from the resentment, but it always was tagging along, and it would explode now and then. Now you have the opportunity to be in it, to truly examine it from within, and to observe also. And only in this can heart heal.

“The “I can do it myself” is an aspect of two things: the assertion of your individual identity, and the rejection of God. From now on when this crops up you will know that it leads to loneliness, and that friendship is the answer in whatever from or mode that is possible. Friendship with your guides, with yourself, with your partner, with your acquaintances, and with your soul, who will be your friend again. That is truth.”

DK also asked if me if I understood the connection between what I perceived during this guided meditation and my injury? I felt as though I did. I was astonished.

(end of guided meditation)

I started with my desire to heal, and particularly my feelings around abandonment. What I missed in my initial working with the issue were my feelings of anger and resentment, which would initially manifest as sarcasm.

On some level I agreed to this injury, even though as a personality, I didn’t agree, which of course mirrors my dissatisfaction with this whole process. The oldness of this old man gave me the feeling that this was old stuff spanning lifetimes, and encompassed many issue surrounding Source and physicality.

I have a tremendous resentment for being imprisoned here.

Why am I being limited?

Why is earth life so limited?

Why can’t I freely traverse the distance between my personality here, and my divinity there?

Why is there a gap?

Why don’t I have the connection so there is the conscious understanding as to why things happen to me the way they do, way down here? Then I/we could end the victim consciousness in relationship to God, soul, and existence.

Why don’t I remember and experience my full divinity here, now?

Why isn’t my totally divinity available to my here, now?

Why should I suffer any limitations, imprisonment, or lack of my fullness in any way?

Why can’t I go where I wish to go and be who I wish to be?

If indeed I’m a soul, then why can’t I have some equivalent experiences in body that gives me the freedom I experience as spirit.

Why did I need the help of my guides? Aren't I equal?

Why can’t I do it myself?

Physical life is a punishment, an imprisonment, and God had abandoned us here.

I resent being physical

I resent being anything less than my full multidimensional self, god spark.

I resent the limitations of earthly life.

I resent my separation from my soul as a personality.

I resent my vulnerability, and inability to keep myself safe from a random chance universe.

I resent the judgment of a wrathful God, or the impersonal workings of karma.

I resent being abandoned and the resulting anger and loneliness.

I resent my inability to determine what happens to me.

I resent my inability to understand why bad things happen to me and what purpose they serve?

God is envisioned as almighty, blissful, loving, and compassionate, and yet, our earthly lives are hardly a reflection of that. If the suffering and sorrow that exist here on earth isn’t our true state, then why are we having to go through this? Why can’t those loving blissful states of God be available to us here, now? Why can’t I manifest my fullness as a being here, now? Why doesn’t life turn out the way I want it to, now? Why can’t we have the love we desire, envision, and hope for?... the joy, beauty, and truth, now?

All these issues were present in the meditation, even if could not articulate them at the moment. I had a strong feeling the key word which keeps me from moving forward was resentment. I resented all the lifetimes where I experienced the limitation of earthly incarnations.

The injury was to be used as a trigger mechanism to bring these feelings and beliefs up to my waking consciousness. If the injury had had a direct cause like a bad landing in my hang glider, I would have been plenty angry and judgmental of myself, but there would have been no triggering of these other feelings and beliefs.

It was important that the injury seem meaningless and pointless to me. The injury needed to happen in a way which made no sense to me in order to invoke the appropriate corresponding feelings. On some level I decided it was time to bring some healing and understanding to these issues.

The injury brought to the surface my anger at God. Here is my anger at God for separation and abandonment. Initially separation from God was the birth of our individuation, the birth of our Divine I Am Presence... individualized from other Divine I Am(s), other life streams, and the collective consciousness of God... of All That Is. However, way back then there was still contact with God, and knowing God.

For whatever reasons, that separation grew into not being able to perceive and know our divinity, or God. This has lead to my feelings of abandonment, anger, resentment, and fear of judgment from God. Later I’ll discover the child part of me that embodies this fear. He is hiding from God.

The injury brought up my anger and resentment, and the guided meditation showed me the relationship between my grumpy old man and those feelings associated with the injury. He is the embodiment of those feelings, and is created by my experiences, feelings, and beliefs. He has been created from me, and he is a part of me.

In addition, my grumpy old man embodies my anger and resentment for being left here alone, and for not having my full knowing as a divine spark of god here in this earth dimension. For as that spark I had my joy, my light, and my eternal beingness. Here on earth, I don’t. I am angry and resentful of that. That separation is felt and interpreted as abandonment. I have held on to this anger and resentment unconsciously for lifetimes.

My grumpy old man is seasoned in disappointment. Life has taught him not to hope, and that pain and suffering are the only real reality here. Children with their optimism are naive. Misery, heart ache, and poverty are what earth life has to offer, and there is nothing to you can do about it.

Each of the comments DK offered are significantly related to what I was discovering through my injury. As a child, I was pretty happy and outgoing. While these are true aspects of my nature, and qualities of the child, I had a significant gap in my consciousness surrounding my resentment. The injury was the catalyst that was going to bring this resentment/anger/loneliness crashing through to my waking consciousness where I would be in it!

There are many correlations between my injury and the statement, “your soul will be your friend again”. My anger and judgment against my soul was reflected in my sarcasm of Jesus surrendering to God’s plan.

As a new age spiritualist, I strive for contact with my soul and God. Simultaneously, as DK’s comments suggest, I don’t consider my soul to be my friend. After all, what kind of friend would bring injuries as means of furthering ones growth, especially if one is not cognitive of the what the injury represents? And this has been going on through many lifetimes!

From a child’s perspective, being punished without a clue as to what s/he did wrong, feels unfair. And it certainly does not build trust in the parent. Likewise, from my perspective, without the context to understand the injury, it feels more than unfair. From my soul’s perspective, an injury is a manifestation of what is carried within my psyche, with the hope of creating some healing around the issue.

For most, there is this huge gap between our waking consciousness and our soul knowingness, who we are as souls. Without that conscious relationship to our soul, there is not the cognitive understanding of why bad things happen to us. Perhaps we could say, this lack of understanding or conscious connection with our soul is the source of the belief that the universe operates by random chance.

Separation between my soul and me as an incarnated personality lead to a diminishment of knowingness. That lack of conscious understanding resulted in many misunderstandings and negative feelings. What started out as a creative exploration of beingness developed into a relationship of mistrust, skepticism, resentment, anger, and loneliness. Not what friendships are made of.

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