Healing Denial on the Personal and Transpersonal Levels

The following three selections from Right Use of Will can form the framework by which to grasp karma, lost parts, and healing. One can understand how karma is the circumstances we draw to ourselves as the opportunity for creating growth and the healing of old scripts. How we create lost love, lost qualities, lost power, lost anything through denial can be represented by the idea of lost parts. Recovering these lost parts and understanding what is core to the issue can be a personal and transpersonal healing.

From Right Use of Will by Ceanne DeRohan

“To heal yourself and the Earth, an end to denial is needed so that you have an alignment about what healing is for you and the Earth. If part of you wants Me (God) to heal you and the Earth and you hold in denial a part that is furious at Me for not doing this already, for example, this denied part cannot accept My help because it does not believe I am giving it. I cannot heal part of you if it means lifting you away from your denial. Then you are not healed. I cannot lift you away from a part of yourself because you must take responsibility for all of yourself. When you have denial present, I heal you in the way I can heal you, which is to bring experiences to help you recognize your own denial.

“Lost energy, lost Love, lost power, lost anything is the result of denial, of holding it away from you by not accepting it. What was lost returns when you forgive yourself for denying it and accept it. This does not mean forgiving yourself for the behavior. It means accepting the behavior and forgiving yourself for not having accepted it before as part of you and your learning experience.

“People have thought that I (God) was judgmental, and that karma was punishment or a balance of payments for sins or debts. Actually, karma is old conditioning which is drawing the experience that could release it and allow growth and change. Emotional responses to your karma releases old conditioning of the Will and judgment release frees the mind. All karma then is essentially with yourself since what you hold in your own energy field draws your experiences to you. You, yourself can release to change what you do not want to keep the same. Judgment, karma, misunderstandings and conditioning are all words to describe the same concept.”

Within these three above paragraphs, I have chosen five main themes: denial, lost parts, compassion and regret, karma, and healing.

1. Two ways denial is created is through judgment and suppression.

2. Denial creates lost parts. Lost parts means lost energy, lost love, lost qualities, lost power, lost anything.

3. Our karma/conditioning which contains our beliefs and feelings will draw or create the circumstances to reclaim what has been lost. Our karma is mostly unconscious to us.

4. One aspect of healing is a reclaiming of that which was lost. Healing encompasses emotional response to your karma, judgment release for the mind, and taking responsibility for all of yourself.

5. Compassion for yourself and all that we have been through.

What is denial? In regards to this topic, the most relevant definition of denial/denying from the dictionary is: to refuse to acknowledge as one’s own. By denying, you don’t accept a part of yourself. In some way, this part of you does not conform to the way you want to think of yourself. You judged the part as wrong and bad, and you separate yourself from it... you disown it. From that disowning process, the part(s) gets pushed away from your primary waking consciousness. However, it still exists within your psyche and etheric bodies.

Through our beliefs and ethics we judge some behavior as wrong and bad, whether it is our behavior or someone else's. That which we judge and the associated feelings will be disowned. We will attract circumstances in our life whose purpose is to reveal our misunderstandings, judgments, and lost parts in order to be whole again.

One of the big questions in judging behavior is: what if someone rapes or kills, or the thousands of other ways that humans violate one another, isn’t that wrong? The answer is yes. It is wrong.

However, that is not where denial starts. Those big levels of violation are the cumulation of many factors. They are the acts of desperate people, and that in no way justifies the actions. But we need to try to start at the beginning, and a place we can begin to heal our denials, and not at the most extreme crimes humanity commits.

There is our personal healing within ourselves, and there is healing with God, and there is seeing the reflection. Working with the personal is the easier of the two to start with, and is equally important. Being whole means having all of us available. Being in denial means we are not whole.

How do we start to disown/deny something? It is a combination of judgment and suppression. In considering judgment, I like to distinguish between discernment and judgment.

Using our experiences as a foundation, we can use discernment to make new choices to enhance our life. We need this process in order to learn from our experiences, and hopefully, it is always being evolved and revised.

Judgment includes the added element of judging ourselves or someone else as bad and wrong for their choices. This invokes shame and guilt, and in the extremes, hatred of self and other. This adds a huge emotional charge to whatever we are experiencing and learning.

Discernment is healthy and necessary. Judgment that invokes bad and wrong, and thus guilt, blame, shame, and hatred is unfortunate, and is not necessary for enforcing an ethical standard.

Polarities can help show us our judgments. There is an important distinction to be made about polarities. Polarities such as up and down, hot and cold, are not the same as responsible and irresponsible, or good and bad.

Polarities such as up and down describe a physical phenomena. Polarities such as responsible and irresponsible describe a judgment of behavior. In this case, the judgment of another’s behavior by a person who considers himself responsible.

Our language is full of judgments from a part’s point of view. Neat and messy, responsible and irresponsible, righteous and sinful, appropriate and inappropriate, to name a few.

In dealing with polarities, it is important to understand that through releasing the judgment, you are going to reclaim what we could call the positive attribute of the quality you are judging, and not what you have judged. A forthcoming example will make this clear.

Suppression is what we do to our feelings. By suppressing our feelings we keep them locked up and contained. But like a pressure cooker, or volcano, eventually the container doesn’t hold and we explode. Or we undermine our health and vitality.

Denial, judgment and suppression, is happening all the time. Most of the time, denial is happening in small ways. A thought here, a feeling there. I wish s/he wouldn’t do that, but I won’t mention it because it always leads to a fight.

A single thought and feeling probably doesn’t have that much energy. But, collectively all those moments really build up, and are going to be stored in parts of us, as parts of us. One direction this build up can take is to create a trigger moment. Everyone knows these by those spontaneous explosions.

To avoid this direction we learn to further suppress our expression. We do our best not to acknowledge the feelings and thoughts. Those that do get through, we try to dismiss. However the feelings and thoughts continue to exist and build within us. Feelings and thoughts that continue to build can become parts.

The belief that the world is cruel may appear as a grumpy old man. Emotions that have been suppressed may appear as a mutilated child, or as an old hag, or as a needy child. Rage that has been denied may appear as a warrior, or an abuser. Sexuality that has been denied may appear as a gargoyle or a tigress.

The energies of these parts, (feelings and thoughts personified) build up in our etheric bodies where it is going to draw/create the means to release it. Eventually the emotions must be expressed, and the judgments must be released. This is our personal karma, the pattern, the conditioning.

These lost parts hold lost energy, lost power, lost qualities, and lost love. Of course none of us wish to hold energy, power, qualities, or love away from us. That is not our intention by denying. Quite the opposite. By denying we hope to be loved. Unfortunately it doesn’t work. Eventually we undermined ourselves and our relationships.

Having said that, it is not rage, an old hag, or being a gargoyle that we are trying to reclaim. These images represent our judgments and our responses to the underlying issues.

Lets see how this can play out in an example.

Jack and Suzy have been married for eight years. Jack has the tendency to leave his clothes on the floor instead of putting them in the hamper or back in the closet. Suzy wishes he would pick up after himself instead of leaving his clothes everywhere. However, through experience, Suzy has learned not to say anything, because it always leads to a fight, or Jack withdrawing for the rest of the day, and that isn’t worth it.

The following is a useful template that helps us understand the judgments within the polarity.

When Suzy is in judgment, she judges the spontaneous part of Jack as chaotic. When Jack is in judgment, he judges Suzy's organized part as overcontrolling and nagging. Suzy does not see herself as overcontrolling, any more than Jack sees himself as messy. This is one layer of judgment.

When the neat person judges messy, what she looses is being spontaneous. This is the part of her that is disowned and the quality that she does not have available. When Jack judges neatness, what he looses is the ability to organize. That quality is disowned in him and is not available.

The overcontrolling person needs to see that spontaneity will not lead to the unraveling of the universe. And the messy person needs to know that organization will not bring an end to enjoying and responding to life in the moment. Unfortunately, what the universe is mirroring to Jack and Suzy through their conflict are their judgments and underlying fears, and not the quality the person is missing.

What we want in relation to this polarity is to have both attributes available; our spontaneity to respond to life, and our ability to organize. This is what I meant by the positive attribute of a polarity. We don’t need to embrace becoming messy or overcontrolling. That would not serve us. Perhaps organized and spontaneous aren’t even a polarity. It is only a polarity when we are in judgment, such as neat and messy.

Here is another example. In this example instead of continuing to deny or suppress the feelings and thoughts, they are listened to and embraced.

Dave is divorced and lives with his son, Jerry. Dave is hard working and very responsible. Jerry loves to kayak. Dave puts in 50 plus hours every week at his job. Jerry is looking for a job. Dave is beginning to feel irritated at work, and is longing for something.

Dave realizes that working 50 hours a week is not serving him, and he is loosing connection with his son, Jerry. He talks to his boss and cuts his work week down to 40 hours. Dave has always loved being in the woods and mountains. Now on the weekends, Dave is off kayaking with his son.

By listening to his longing, which in this case was his fun loving side, Dave is able to balance himself in relation to this polarity. He is able to move in both directions.

If Dave had just stopped showing up for work on some days, Dave’s responsible part and critic would have judged him as bad and wrong for being irresponsible. If he had continued to work at the expense of his whole self, Dave may have gotten sick to get some time off, and he probably would have gotten increasingly frustrated with his son for not getting a job.

Being irresponsible would not be taking responsibility for himself, or address the underlying issues.

In this version, Dave does not suppress his feelings of being overworked, being irritated with his son, and longing for something. Rather, he listens to his feelings and thoughts, and makes new choices. He uses discernment.

Continuing with our story of Suzy and Jack, their neat and messy script is going to build to a triggered moment. On a sunny Saturday, after a hard work week, Jack is out washing both of their cars. However, when he is done, he doesn’t put the garden hose away. Suzy walks out and blows up.

Her response is much bigger than this situation actually warrants. This is because it has triggered all the energy that has been stored/suppressed from other situations where she hasn’t spoken up, because she didn’t want to create a scene.

The triggered moment escalates quickly, and both parties are going to deliver their full wrath of judgment... he really did marry the bitch from hell... and she married a rageful cold hearted bastard. In this way judgments and suppression build, and they can have disastrous results for us personally and for our relationships.

Now there are multiple layers to our story. On the top most layer is the judgment of neat and messy. What else might be linked with being messy or neat? Through the associative process Suzy and Jack quickly find many other threads connected to the incident.

For Suzy, being messy invokes the memory of her mom who could be “out of control”. A core belief for her is when things are chaotic, she does not get the support she desires. For Jack, being too neat reminded him of his dad who was too over controlling and never allowed him enough freedom. A core belief for him is, authority limits my freedom.

A core belief can manifest in our personal relationships, in our relationship with society, and usually a hidden relationship with Source.

Jack unconsciously holds the belief that authority limits his freedom. On the personal level, this belief manifests as the “neat and messy” issue with Suzy. Suzy wants him to be different than he is in regards to that issue. For Jack, that translates into her nagging him, and always wanting him to be different than he is.

On the social level, Jack judges government. There are just too many laws and regulations. There are way too many levels of government; local, state, federal, all of which he has to support by the way, which means more loss of personal freedom. If he had his way, he would move to Alaska to get away from all these overcontrolling aspects of society.

Jack doesn’t think about God much. Like government, he finds religions too full of shoulds and should nots. One night he has a dream where he is really angry at his father. He is mad at his father for not being there for him. For not helping him more with his life. Suddenly, within the energy of the dream, he realizes he is angry at God for not giving him enough power to create the life he desires... Jack doesn’t have enough power to guarantee his freedom. Upon awakening, Jack is amazed. He didn’t know he felt that way.

The belief “authority limits my freedom”, manifests as distance and blow ups in the way he and Suzy manage “neat and messy”. Jack is resentful and rebellious against government. On the transpersonal level, unconsciously, Jack is angry at God for not giving him enough power to create the life he desires.

Upon awakening, Jack tells Suzy his dream. Suzy really listens because it is not about judging or blaming her. His sharing invokes feelings within her. She realizes that her fear of chaos and feelings of not being supported are connected. Being messy had invoked these unconscious fears and beliefs.

Pulling on the threads of the triggered moment, Suzy and Jack spend the morning talking. They discover they both have judgments against the emotional body. Neither of them wants to feel bad, and it is the feelings that end up being judged, and not what the feelings are telling them... this situation feels awful. So they suppressed the feelings and avoided addressing the situation.

They are willing to do that in order not to rock the boat... to loose the relationship. The alternative is a confrontational situation. Suzy realizes she has the script/fear; if I stand up for myself, I’ll loose out. When she tried to get more attention/support from her mom, it never really worked out. Jack is torn between anger and withdrawing. He feels justified in his anger, but knows later he will regret it, so he withdraws.

Suzy and Jack are amazed. Neither of them had realized there were so many feelings and thoughts beneath the issue of neat and messy. Now, neat and messy is no longer a charged issue between them. Both are able to address the issue that neat and messy was mirroring for them from a new perspective. With the understanding and sharing comes compassion for each other.

Jack no longer responds to Suzy's neatness as a limitation on his freedom, and makes an effort to pick up after himself without resentment. Usually in front of Suzy so they can laugh about it.

For Suzy, she doesn’t feel so compulsive about being neat. She is able to enjoy the flow of day to day living a bit more, and not everything has to be done all the time. And to her delight, Jack doesn't disappear anymore which means she feels more supported in their relationship.

Best of all, they are talking and sharing more, rather than suppressing and judging each other. This is enhancing their sense of friendship and intimacy, and support for each other. There hasn’t been a blow up in months. Perhaps he didn’t marry the bitch from hell, or she the rageful cold hearted bastard, and their relationships can be the love and joy they hope to share.

There are numerous possibilities, and the story will be unique for each. Once we begin to pull on the threads of a triggered moment, it can lead to anything and everything.

Scripts which contain denial, judgment and suppression, in one form or another create lost parts. Lost parts means we are not whole, and don’t have all of us available. Those lost parts are going to draw the circumstances to be healed. One of those means is a triggered moment which invokes our emotional response. Another is illness. Deepening into the emotions allows one to discover the meaning and patterning contained within the situation.

There is a sense of compassion for what is at the core of our issues, and all the twists and turns our human journey has taken us on. We may have regret for our actions that have fallen short, and compassion for our intention and its many distortions. There can be forgiveness of self in that. This allows us to reclaim ourselves.

By releasing judgment and expressing our feelings we can reclaim lost parts, which means reclaiming lost energy, lost qualities, lost power, and lost love. This enables us to respond to life as the full human beings we truly are. This is healing on the personal level.

Returning to our five themes and how it has played out in Suzy and Jack’s story.

1. Suzy and Jack judged each other, specifically in relationship to overcontrolling and being messy. Each of them suppressed their thoughts and feelings to avoid further conflicts. This created disowned parts in each of them.

2. Suzy and Jack didn’t have parts of themselves available; such as organized and spontaneous. There were underlying issues which created lost support and lost freedom. You can not reclaim lost freedom and support, or organization ability and spontaneity, by staying in denial. Continued denial only perpetuates the situation and builds to a triggered moment.

3. Suzy and Jack’s judgments and feelings created the “neat and messy” issue. By delving into the issue they were able to see their judgments, discover their hidden beliefs, express their feelings and fears, and become aware of what they were longing for.

4 & 5. In going through what Jack and Suzy went through, each accepted their anger, their frustration, their righteousness, their feelings, and their vulnerabilities and fears. With their sharing and work they gained insights and understanding. Those understandings brought a sense of compassion for themselves and each other. There is an appreciation for what each has struggled with, and how that has manifested in their lives. It hasn’t been pretty, but they have grown and they are healing parts of themselves as a result. And there is renewed love. This is healing on the personal level.

I started this article with three amazing quotes that deal with healing our relationship to Source, and how denial cuts us off. We explored denial on the personal level to get an idea of how we create denial in our daily lives.

Unfortunately, most of our relationships on the transpersonal level are unconscious to us. We can see reflections from the personal level to the transpersonal. However, even on the personal level, following the threads takes many twists and turns. How much more difficult it is to trace the threads to our core issues with Source.

By Vywamus through Janet McClure:

“That is the most important belief you have -- “Who am I in relationship to the Source? Well, I know the Source loves me.” Of course you do, and I love the Source. I know that I am nurtured by the Source, and I know I’m connected. But I also have another level of emotional beliefs, a system that isn’t very clear -- all of you have these emotional areas -- loss fear, frustration, betrayal, and whatever it is for you individually. They’re all stored within your subconscious and within the physical system....”

It is much easier to apply ourselves to the quest for Spirit/God... to seek the love and light, than to turn our efforts towards that which we don’t wish to feel or experience... that which resides in the shadows. What resides in our shadows? It is the emotions we don’t want to feel, and the beliefs that have formed as a result of our misunderstandings, putting it gently. As Vywamus says, we all have these, but it is unconscious to us.

From our relationship with Source we created our most basic core beliefs or imprintings, and there are intense emotions associated with these beliefs and early experiences. These core relationships are stored in our subconscious and manifest in our personal lives... “the physical system”... that is here.

If you unconsciously feel betrayed by God, then I am willing to bet you will face betrayal in your primary relationship in some way. Or to put it the other way around, if you have ever felt betrayed in your love relationships, then you have an unconscious feeling/experience of feeling betrayed by God. This is the mirror.

Perhaps once in a while you have a dream, or in a meditation, or through some catalysts, you have an emotional experience that reveals your belief(s) about your relationship with Source. While the experience may be difficult, it indeed can be a gift. For you are giving yourself the opportunity to heal an aspect of your relationship with Source, and reclaim that which was lost.

God gave an example in the opening paragraphs. “If part of you wants Me to heal you and the Earth and you hold in denial a part that is furious at Me for not doing this already, this denied part cannot accept My help because it does not believe I am giving it.”

How can we go about healing the denial within the above script? Two of the means are expressing the emotions and releasing the judgments.

Emotions get stuck when you don’t validate them. Emotions are not validated when you bury them... deny them... and refuse to express them. Then the emotions get very hard. They crystalize within you, and you can’t move them. Nor can you move. You are stuck. You keep having the same feelings and thoughts over and over again in regards to the issue. The emotions hold the charge, the judgments keep them in place.

Expression brings movement to the emotions. It allows them to move. The expression can be as easy and simple as acknowledging how you feel in the moment. Or if it is an issue that has built up over a long period of time, it will be charged and invoke a more intense expression. If you don’t have words yet, moving body helps give voice to those unspoken feelings.

We need to express our emotions in a way that is safe to ourselves and others. That is important. Judgment release ultimately means, releasing the judgments against yourself.

In our world, anger and hate keep a person at bay. Now I don’t believe God stays away from us if we are angry with Him. However, it is difficult for us to accept much of anything from a person with whom we are angry or fear. Anger likes to keep the object of their hatred at a distance, or strike out at it.

Our anger and hate, or fear, not only colors what we see, but can make us blind to what is being offered. In order for there to be a relationship, you have to deal with the anger and/or fear .

Lets personalize the above example God gave, and see how the situation could evolve. Frank is a dedicated new ager and loves spirit. Frank desperately wants the Golden Age of Peace to be here now. He is incredibly disappointed that we are in another war, and that TV reports nothing but the crimes humanity commits against one another. Frank is depressed and feels hopeless about it, and he wants the earth, humanity, and himself to be healed now. He wants to create the life he dreams about and envisions, now.

Its a wonderful sunny day, and Frank knows a beautiful spot on river where he loves to be. He can really mediate there and find the peace he so desires. Hiking through the woods, he finds his spot and sits.

Absentmindfully he picks up a rock and throws it lazily at a stump in the river. He picks up another and throws it with a bit more energy, then another, and another. Now he is throwing the rocks as hard as he can at the stump.

Suddenly, he stops; wondering what he is so worked up about. After all, he came there to be peaceful. Why is he directing all this aggression at the stump? The stump is innocent. It certainly hasn’t done anything to him.

Matrixes of conscious energy begin to unravel within Frank... suddenly he knows he has been angry with God. Frank spends the next hour telling God what a messed up job he has done down here, and how he feels about it.

God listens.

The rippling of the river... echoes the many voices within. Listening to a voice that almost sounds like his own, Frank hears; “I will not retaliate for you expressing your anger at me. Nor do I judge you as wrong or bad for being angry with me. You have held on to this anger for many lives.”

Like sunbeams illuminating the shadows... Frank is having one realization after another.

He realizes he didn’t own being angry at God. Unconsciously, it didn’t feel safe to be angry with God. Had he ever had a relationship where it was safe to get angry at someone? Was he ever able to get angry and not have a host of negative consequences because of that expression? Let alone being angry with God.

In addition, he feared that God would judge him as unloving and unworthy if he was angry. This was being mirrored by his spiritual friends who would judge him as unloving and not very advanced for being angry. Frank can sense in past lives he has envisioned God as a wrathful Father. But in his heart, Frank knows he is as innocent as the stump.

Flowing with the water... the crystalized anger is moving now. Frank’s body feels lighter, like the sparkling air bouncing off the rippling river. He laughs.

God draws closer... because the anger isn’t keeping Him away. God reveals to Frank that the thousand years of peace is taking a bit longer to manifest because He/She is giving everybody, and not just a relatively few, the maximum amount of time possible to heal. All this warring is the manifestation of what is held within the collective subconscious of humanity. If humanity can see the mirror, humanity actually has an opportunity to heal itself.

Frank is stunned and delighted. He has just had one of the most amazing days of his life.

Frank’s emotional expression entails expressing his disappointment and anger at God.

He releases his judgment that it is bad and wrong for him be angry at God, and his fear of retaliation. With the expression of his emotions and the releasing of his judgments, Frank discovers some hidden beliefs such as; it is not safe to be angry at God. Being angry at God will invoke the judgment that he is unloving, and therefore unworthy of being loved in returned.

In this way, Frank takes responsibility for himself and begins to heal this aspect of his relationship with God, and the part that was holding the anger. This helped opened a long sought door.

Returning to our five themes:

1. Frank denied his anger at God.

2. The denial created lost part(s): a part that held the anger which he was afraid to express. In a way, this resulted in holding God away, which meant Frank couldn’t receive the relationship he sought with God.

3. Sitting by the river, Frank found a harmless means of expression to release the pent up emotions. In this way, his karma/patterning found a means to express that which was held within him.

4 & 5. Through the experience, Frank released his judgments around the issue and changed his beliefs. He gave voice to his emotions through his body. I think it is safe to say, Frank found a new level of understanding and compassion for himself.

How this shows up in real life isn’t as neat as a made up example. The following is my personal example of hidden fears, beliefs, and denial in relationship to Source. I call it Hiding From God.

Hiding From God

During my meditations, it is my custom to invite God into my being. Suddenly it dawns on me, what about all those places where I am ashamed of myself? Sure, underneath the shame is that pure innocent absolute aspect of deity that I am, but what about my personality?

What about yesterday when I was short tempered with my mother? I mean God knows everything. Would God find me worthy? Would I be acceptable to him? I don’t reveal all of myself to anybody... there is that which I don’t want anyone to know about. There would be no hiding any unpleasant thought, judgment, anger, or sadness from God.

I realized that a part of me was very fearful of being known by God. That part of me wanted to hide from God, and hoped He/She wouldn’t find me. I was much better off being invisible where God couldn’t find me... and so I’ve remained rather invisible in life.

It was so much safer if God didn’t know where I was, or what I had done. Then He wouldn’t be mad at me, or disappointed in me, or punish me for all the bad thoughts and feelings, and things I’ve done over the centuries.

I wasn’t worthy of His love for all the bad He would see in me. I hated myself for that now. For God would see me as I truly am... for nothing is hidden from Him. I felt how if I could just stay small and invisible, I wouldn’t have to be held responsible for all those bad things. God, just pass right on by. Please don’t notice I am here.

I stopped my meditation, and curled up with blankets and hid. I felt that vulnerable part of me. He felt young like a child, and somehow innocent. He wasn’t the one who had done anything wrong, but he held the guilt and shame for being seen as the wrong doer.

While part of me was inviting God into my being, another part of me was dreadfully fearful that God would show up. I held that vulnerability, that child, feeling a bit amazed to discover that a part of me felt this way. After all, it was another part’s greatest hope that God would show up.

I wondered if these thoughts would keep God away, not in judgment of me, but rather in compassion for me? I’ve hid from God, and God, knowing everything about me, didn’t want to scare that part of me, by being present with me.

Will God wait until all of me is ready to be seen by Him? Will He wait until I have enough compassion for myself so as to not blame myself further? Will He wait until I am aware enough to embrace my fear of Him?

Mentally I tried to articulate the judgments I was holding against myself while continuing to feel the very real feelings and thoughts of this new found vulnerability. End of meditation.

The primary script is the judgments I hold against myself for the past actions which I deem are “unloving”. These unloving actions are comprised of many small incidents, like being angry at my mom or my significant other, to memories of past lives where my unloving actions were of a more much serious nature. Throughout our many lives, there is no one who hasn’t been the violator and the victim.

I have many parts involved in my story. Some of them are:

A part that desires to know God: the meditator.

A part that holds the standard “Be perfect as thy Father is perfect”.

A judge.

In past lives, a warrior.

A part who gets angry and strikes out. He often feels justified and righteous about his actions. He can stand up for me and defend me.

A child part who holds the shame and guilt for past actions. He is in hiding.

A part that knows he is innocent and good.

A part that seeks wholeness.

These are the main parts involved in this story.

To be whole means I must embrace all of me, and not just ascend into the light and leave all of these other aspects of me outside of the love and light. That is what has happened in the past. The part of us that could reach the light, did so, but we left the rest of us behind in their own world.

Where this script starts, as far as I know, is with the intrinsic qualities of my soul, or what I remember and aspire to. It is always hard to put words to the experience of what we are on other levels. Our very nature is that of an individualized aspect of Source. That means, there are all these amazing attributes of Source that we are. Of course they are not at the same level of Source. A study of the Rays comes closest to giving me an idea of those attributes.

Using the analogy of the Rays, the Light is composed of the primary colors. Each color represents an attribute of Source. The color green embodies the attributes of Beauty and Harmony. Blue embodies the archetype of Love/Wisdom. One of the ways Love/Wisdom manifest to us is in our ideal of freedom. Red represents will/power. Each color represents an attribute of Source.

Through our many lives we have distorted that pure beginning that we had as souls, and how we manifested these attributes in our lives. As an example, we have used power in the most distorted ways imaginable. Power as a soul is intended for self realization and fulfillment, not for power over other and violating other.

For me, be “perfect as thy Father” reflects the knowing we had as souls. Put simply, there are Divine Laws which are inherent in Life. One of them says, God has given us the means to create and evolve ourselves, but do it in a way which honors all life. Be harmless, which by no means is the same thing as be powerless. Use your energy and your life to create yourselves, but do it a way which honors all life.

There isn’t anyone who had not committed crimes against another. Throughout our many lives on this planet we have worn the shoes of all the people. It is just a matter of remembering. From murderer and victim, to the little transgression we all committed in our everyday lives, we have done it all.

How did we get to the place of violating other? Especially to the degree humanity has created? I think violence is related to our feelings of being unempowered to realize ourselves. We desire enough power to realize ourselves, but the only way we’ve been able to get enough power on this planet is through the exploitation of others.

If everyone in the world had the abundance to realize themselves to the degree they desired, would there be any need for the exploitation of others? This exploitation of other leads to our crimes and violence. The basic belief humanity holds is one of scarcity... that there isn’t enough for everyone.

Following our destructive ways comes the judgment we are bad, if not by ourselves, then certainly by others.

“Being empowered to realize yourself and being harmless” is one of the standards set by my soul as to how life should be lived here. Violation of other needs to end in order for humanity to realize its vision of peace, joy, and abundance for all, and not just for a relatively small percentage of the population. In our hearts we know this.

Well, I have fallen short. We all have. This feels bad to me and I don’t like owning the guilt and shame. Nor do I like owning my anger and any of the ways I strike out at other. Nor do I want to be defenseless, or be the recipient of someone else's anger when I feel I am innocent.

There was/is a great deal of unconscious judgment against myself for this. These “bad” actions are not what I want to be known by, and I certainly don’t want God to know about them. This pattern has been building up over a very long period of time. It is comprised of a million small incidents, as well as grosser violations in other lifetimes.

Until I “take responsibility”, which to me means accept that I had these feelings and beliefs, honor and embrace that part of me that is hiding from God, and deal with the underlying issues, I am not whole.

Therefore God has a dilemma. As God draws closer, he will delight one part of me, and the part that wishes to hide, will be scared to death.

The only avenue God/Life perviously had available was to bring me experiences that offered me the opportunity to understand my script(s). And there have been plenty of opportunities. Every time I felt guilt and shame, or my defense systems against them, I was being afforded the opportunity to feel into myself and recognize my judgments.

As I heal this script, the intention of these two parts are no longer in opposition to one another. I am in alignment. God can draw closer without being the Judge and Punisher to my hiding child.

My meditation was a great gift, and a break through in beginning to own the guilt and shame, change the beliefs, and be there for that child.

Returning to our five themes:

What I held in denial was the shame and guilt from my past actions which I felt were not “loving”. A child part holds this shame and guilt. The desire to be safe, not incur further judgment, would manifest as hiding from God... be small and invisible so God won’t find me. The child wished to stay invisible so he/I would not be found unworthy in the eyes of God.

1. By my denying, my desire not to feel the shame and guilt, I pushed those feelings and judgments outside of myself.

2. A child part would embody those feelings and judgments. This child part, and all that he embodied, was totally unconscious to me until he showed up in my meditation.

3. My meditation was a harmless and powerful way for me to connect with the child and what he held. It was my opportunity, the circumstances which I drew to myself that allowed for the expression of what I had held in denial. It was my karmic moment if you will.

4 & 5. Owning the feelings was a first step in healing this part of myself. By giving voice to the child, the child came out of the shadows and the shame and guilt that was hidden there began to move.

Releasing the judgments against myself in relationship to all the ways I have judged myself as “less than loving” is an ongoing process. From short tempered moments, to remembering past lives where I have killed, is a huge range of violation of other. It is not forgiveness for the actions, but rather regret for what I have done and taking responsibility for it, and to understand what is underlying/causal to my aggression.

There is the further layer in relationship to God. In the past, I believed my actions made me unworthy of being loved by God. Now I believe God is not judging us or withholding His/Her love from us for any reason. Rather, I’ve projected my judgment outward, and God’s judgment is the mirror of my own incrimination. Judgment day is the day we judge ourselves, for God has already non judged us.

However, my fear of judgment can keep God away. Not because God desires to stay away, but like anger, my fear can keep me from perceiving how He/She is here for me. When I’ve healed this part of me, God can draw closer without invoking the fear, guilt and shame that the child parts holds. When this child part is healed, the child can receive God’s unconditional loving light in the way that is just right for him.

This is healing on the transpersonal level.

By Raymond Wolf, April 2006