Child Behind The Rock

A place where part of me does not want to go. A veil, like a scrim drawn across a stage. Still, another part wants to know.

Blood red and charcoal black are laced into the scrim, like paint dripping from a canvas. Pressed into the scrim by an invisible hand, faces appeared between the red and black death...suspended as if the rest of the image had rotted away. Left dangling, a head severed from the body by a gallows rope, rope and tree gone from the passing of time.

The faces reminded me of Michelangelo's unfinished work trying to emerge from stone, only these faces were not becoming. They were frozen in terror, pain, and suffering, turning the two dimensional smoke screen into a three dimensional inferno.

It was not the miracle of becoming, but the process of mutilation, death and decay, arrested. They were frozen in an eternal red and black moment, as if all of a sudden there would never be another. There was neither the relief of death, nor the hope of healing. No movement which would end the fear and death that had crystallized in what was once a being full of hope and life. This was their final experience from which there was no escape, nor end.

I curl up under the blanket. I am hiding behind a black rock. Beyond me are open distances of sand and earth. I stay behind the rock peering out, not venturing forth. My world is about a one foot radius around the rock. I feel safe here. To my right is the Child of Light, to my left is the Child of Death.

My experience going forth as the Child of Light was long ago. I can remember from my dream the qualities of my beingness: purity, innocence, energy, consciousness, curiosity. The vast unexplored regions of space lay before me. As light I stretched myself forth into that uncharted and unknown dark vastness. Hiding behind the rock, there was fear of going into the unknown empty space. The fear was not part of the Light Child.

I don't know if God ever promised to go with us, but there is the sense of being betrayed by God. God didn't go with us into the unknown. Perhaps He never had any intention of going. I don't know. God's love light has been missing from my journey. I'm not blaming you God, I just miss you, and your Love-Light. Oh how I miss you!

To my left, the Child of Death. All the experiences of death and destruction. I could see a child on a table that was being hacked to pieces with a machete. His whole body was being chopped up into pieces, a piece at a time. A hand, an elbow, then shoulder, and hacked into even smaller pieces. I never knew about death and destruction long, long ago, before I ventured forth. It was not present in the eternal qualities of Love/Light, which was all that we had ever known.

Mother...feelings are holding the pain. From my waking "I" consciousness, I cannot feel it, I can only sense it and see it. I am blocked and cut off from feeling the pain and suffering. While watching a movie tomorrow night, I'll feel how mutilation impacts that child. I feel his fear and his shaking...the pain in the scrim. I grasp my chest hoping to comfort him. I'll be more careful in the future.

I'm hiding in an area no bigger than the shadow cast by the black rock, my environment is safe. I am neither the qualities of the exuberant child, nor the death and destruction. I am safe, and that is what I want, to be safe.

I can feel the parts of Raymond's psyche that wish to pierce the veil and wish to heal. It is also important that they honor me, and feel my fear and desire to be safe. I feel the question, how do we honor you and go forward at the same time? Somehow the whole of us must make the journey.

Returning to my waking conscious "I" self, I don't know the answer, but I know this has been part of the healing. I send love, Heart, to this hiding child.

I know I have another part that hides from you God, because of my guilt and shame. I know you have forgiven me God, and now I'm learning to forgive myself. Thank you for being here with me. Thank you for coming back to earth with your Love and Light.

Next - Hiding From God

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