patient hope in new snow

the heat comes in distant shifts to fill up my room
it spills out of these ancient vents to meet the new cold
and i lay in my twisted sheets and stare out at the snow
still thinking of the next few months, my cold and lifeless eyes
I've never felt so separate
and then there's you but that's so obvious
it's hopeless and i know this, that's why i can't dream
no desire or circumstance would keep this from me
one by one, to department stores
we walk through the aisles
in a forest of designer clothes, you touch me and smile
and for a moment i could want nothing
your bright eyes burn through my exploding heart
and we stand as the shoppers pass us and for once i can feel a touch complete
and i need to just be near you and fill these empty eyes
but you start turning as resistance pulls you from my cold and boring life
let's make this easy and let time pass, as devotion dies,
the list goes on and on
i have waited and i will be waiting for the pain to cure the fear
 

saturday as usual

virginia is almost sleeping
the night is getting older
there is static on the tv
and she's lying on the sofa
the cats crawl over her

jenny is in the garage
she's got the car in neutral
she rolls it out so quietly
it's saturday as usual
it always is

and me I'm in my bedroom drawing in my notebook
because my hand thinks I'm an artist
but my heart knows I'm a poet
It's just words they mean so little to me
i can't seem to deal with total trust
there is something very wrong with me

daddy's in the backyard
his hands are getting dirty
and mom is in the kitchen and her cake says that I'm thirteen
another year

my brother went to college to become a doctor
and if he studies hard enough
he'll end up just like father
who hates his life

and me i'm in the bathroom
crying out my eyelids because it's hard to Be a man
when you are scared like a little kid
the world has become a little too mean
and i can't see the point of patient love
when everyone just wants to get fucked
 

falling out of love at this volume

tell me what you wanted to hear
let me do the right thing
let me do the wrong thing
and if it's ever this clear
i will only say it once
so turn the amps way up
so you can hear nothing
and if i die tonight then i guess i die tonight
let me go one
just say what you wanted to say
i cannot stand these talks dear
they only get us nowhere
it's never resolved
we only run around
you always say that anyone could be just like me
if it was a different time and a different place to be
you would go on
 

exaltation on a cool, kitchen floor

i wanted to come visit you
waiting in the springtime
when the leaves change
the ground outside is waiting for that
newness that surrounds us
as we dance back through the screen door
in the sunlight of mid-April
but its glow won't stop the smiles
that are spreading on our faces
as we fall down on the kitchen floor
and she is laughing about that she had heard earlier
and i can't help noticing that she is sitting closer to me
than she ever has before
 

the awful sweetnesss of escaping sweat

we escape from the house
as the day disappears from the sky
into night
we became what we wanted to be
like a dream or a ghost
i collapse out of turn
near a house
lying still in the grass and felt the heat from the ground
rising up to contract and expand like a breathe
we escape from that place
soaked with sweat and the poison we drank
fill the bathtub with ice and hope this fever will break
like a heart
easily
but i do not recall all the words that were formed
on those wire lips as they greeted me
a promise was made without though as the temperature climbed
and i started to sink like the moon
tends to do if you stare at it too long
then you blink and its gone
and we crawl to our sleep with the dawn
i awake in the light feeling hollow and selfishly warm
close the blinds and retreat until what is burning is gone
and it's light is away
then we are back in the dark
chasing nothing through backyards and trees
you ripped your shirt on a fence but it didn't get me
yeah it's fear
it makes you so low
and these creatures look crooked
their shadows cut lines through my face and the concrete is fire
where my bare feet are placed
in a line next to yours
and i guess i'm not sure if it was fear that was born
as those awful eyes made their claim on us
i put my hands on the fence
said your name
and i started to climb
and it must have been sweat but i drank it like wine
it was sweet and my mouth was dry
i heard you scream but i made no reply
i can still taste it now if i try
 

puella quam amo est pulchra

i had a beautiful, beautiful time
the drives and the talks were amazing
the kind of friend i though i'd never find
i had a beautiful, beautiful time
you have a beautiful, beautiful smile
the way it cuts and collapses on your lips
and when you touch me i shake like a child
it's late i'm afraid you might leave
because sometimes it seems like you still don't believe me
and there's nothing i can do to concentrate
it's so distracting always thinking of you
so i expose and explain and i meant everything that i said
it's moments like this that repeat and replay in my head
when i'm laying in bed
it's a beautiful, beautiful time
as you laugh and roll onto your stomach
the carpet embraces your design
my heart pounds as i lay by your side
because sometimes i find that i am unable to hide all these
feelings that flow
in this basement and in this dim light
you look so beautiful
i'm unsure and unclear with the words that i say
i'm happy when you are near and i wish that forever could stay
just like today
you have beautiful, beautiful eyes
so bright and alive and enchanting
i want to be with you all of the time
it's hopeless but i have to try anyway
 

driving fast through a big city at night
 

how many lights do you see?

how many lights do you see?
how many lights do you see?
there's one to say that night has come
and there's one that guards this jagged shore
and there's one to call the children home
and there's one to light the path they take
how many lights do you see?
how many lights do you see?
there's one to keep the shadows off
and there's one that tells me she got home
and there's one to read his novel by
and there's one that warms this dreary room
and there's one to watch the baby sleep
and there's one to count the blinking stars
and there's one that i just can't forget
and there's one that i remember too
how many lights do you see?
how many lights do you see?
there's one that waits for closing time
and there's one that gets left on all night
and there's one that marks the western sky
and it shines down on the quiet street
and there's one that floods the darker parts
and there's one that hurts my tired eyes
and there's one that says she's not asleep
and there's one that waits for her to wake
how many lights do you see?
how many lights do you see?
there is one that spills out on the beach
and it sparkles on the jetting rocks
and there is one that waits for tired ships
that sleep within this tired port
 

i watched you taking off

meaning is sometimes hard to spot
it begins with the flickering of cigarettes
in the darkness of a dorm room
somewhere in the suffocated mid-west
and if this is real then i was mistaken
and if there is truth then why can't we find it?
beauty comes to those who have been waiting for something
bigger than  themselves
this is the sound of the hopeless kids
as they scream from the basements of the houses of their parents
and this is the sound of the hopeless ones
as they stare down at their books
and realize they have been lied to
but if this is real then i was mistaken
and the vision fades as quickly as it came
consistency like that which i have craved
is that people change so unexpectedly
and realization finds you in a drunken airport
some planes depart and others never arrived
so with this in mind i don't plan on waiting
if its time to leave and break these old ties
without something else this vision is fading
but until its gone the pain will make us try
but this is the hope
i have been searching for
as the wings catch the sunlight of this cold Nebraska skyline
this is the dream i am dying in
i will wake to find tomorrow
be content without perfection
but if this is real then i was mistaken
and if the vision is gone then i was not aware
 

a celebration upon completion

my grandfather's name was moon
because his eyes were bright and round
and no amount of time or liquor could dull them
my grandmother's name was joy
because it spilled out of her heart
and bathed her precious children in its warmth
and there was happiness in life beyond the sorrow
and the pain
but how they ever found it i cannot explain
i guess time has a way of making everything alright
it's just there is not enough of it
and so we drink and we sing and we celebrate
this lie and hope that it will last
morning is here night has passed
my grandfather was a doctor
he cured the sick with his kind hands
and he taught me how to sail and how to feel this way
my grandmother was all sweetness
and when she spoke we all heard bells and
they ran in such a way that we were comforted
and they held on to each other with all the strength they had
and they loved with devotion beyond what i understand
but i guess fear has a way of making sleep unbearable
and the days seem dark and long
but we cry and we dance and we stumble into love with perfect, awkward grace
the moon is gone and the sun has took its place
 

emily sing something sweet

all of the truth

it is not the past few days that have made me feel this way
and it is not the tiny marks of doubt that cover everything i see
it is just the way she looks at me with a love so complete
that i have never seen
and from this grows a strong, undying guilt
the feeling of regret for things i never felt
but oh i wanted to change
and become what she needs
i know what she needs
what i can never be
 

one straw (please)

and if its true, baby, i'm the one in love with you
and i guess that I've been all my life
and i love(?) and i'm shy
and i love you more than those other guys
its cause you mean the world to me
you're exactly what i need
baby, i'm waiting for you to stop shaking
and come closer to me
(?)...my love and devotion
devotion
cover the spread on the beds
and i'm now the one who won your heart
and i hope you'll always be mine
cause my love is...(?)
trust is a virtue
i never desert you
or leave you behind
forever and ever
yeah, we'll be together
together
we'll be
and if its true, baby, i'm the one in love with you
and i swear that i've been all my life
cover the spread on the beds
baby, i'm the one that won your heart
and i know
and if its true
 
 

lila

close your eyes
the dark outside can't hurt you
and i will never desert your bedside
so close them tight
the stars are so glad that they've found you
and on the blankets that surround you
they shine their light
they shine their light
rest your head and i will be watching from the doorway
as you drift into a perfect, peaceful sleep
and morning will come in all its simple glory
and you will find the light
and i will be there
standing in your shadow
knowing that you once were mine
all mine
my baby
 

a few minutes on friday

she kills, with foreign films, the emptiness of day to day
and i wait until the weekend comes
so i can clear this uselessness from my brain
i count the days until she arrives
those precious minutes when she is mine
as we walk from my front door to her car
we are so close and alone
but that will disappear in a room filled with the warmth
of others company
there is too much company
i hide my wounded pride and stare off into the other cars
if i could just speak the words to tell her
exactly how i feel
i count the ways that i might say it
but i know that none of them will work because
she won't feel the same
i've come this far
but i can't go through with it because the truth would hurt
too much
this hurts too much
she goes back to the west coast to drink in the sunshine
and i will stay here in these dead plains
and try to make a seed grow
and i would pray for rain
if i thought that that would help
 

supriya

agony and withdraw disrupt my wellbeing
a voice flooded by the piercing and the sounds of distant lands
silence is my heart
i carry out my cross
while the son suffers away
the clouds reveal the chariots of venus
restrictions of time and space retile
while her bright eyes burn through my exploding heart
and i can see i'm in heaven
with her flesh in my arms
easy the undeniable
the misery of my lack of truth
with the truth of love
 

solid jackson

she says she's read too many fashion magazine
she's forgotten what real love is like
and as the basement collects more kids off the street
they smoke themselves to death waiting for the band to begin
they have been tuning up there for an hour now
and i don't think i can stand another minute more
but just then the first chord strums
and the drums set in
and i know what i have been waiting around for
because no one's going home until the morning comes
no one's going to sleep until the sun comes up
did you hear those first two songs?
they were fucking tuff
and the band is not going to stop until the cops show up
so hold your applause until the end
and wait for the sadness to set in
because that's the only feeling that's worth it
he say he's done with the pop music scene
there's too many opinions and so few are worth a shit
he has got to learn to act a little more mean
because the mean ones always end up with the record deals
and it is only when i'm angry that i feel complete
when we are screaming at each other is when i am most happy
i hang out with my friends and then i get depressed
and i drink myself to sleep with any strength that is left
and i quit going to church a year ago
and my teachers think that my faith is gone
but i c   an do with the eucharist because i found god
in a solid jackson song
 

february fifteenth

all eyes on the calendar
another year i claim of total indifference
to here the days pile up
with decisions to be made
i'm sure all of them were wrong
into this song, i send myself
and with these drinks i plan to collapse and forget
this wasted year
these wasted years
devoted friends, they disappear
i'm sorry about the phone call and needing you
some decisions you don't make
i guess it's like breathing and not wanting to
there are some things that you can't fake
i guess that it is typical
to cling to memories you'll never get back again
and to sort through old photographs of a summer long ago
or a friend that you used to know
and there, below his frozen face
you wrote the name and that ancient date
and you can't believe he is really gone
when all that's left is a fucking song
i'm sorry about the phone call and waking you
i know that its late
but thank you for talking because i needed to
some things just can't wait
 

the feel good revolution

come by when you get off work
i will be sitting around doing nothing
we can wait until the sun goes down
then we will drive off deep into the night
i don't care where we are going
as long as i'm going with you
the summer swells in
with the heat comes a new kind of wanting
cool nights never cooled us off
lay around and wait for something to happen
when it is three lonely figures
a bedroom, a basement, she is scared
which one is sleeping and which one is lying awake?
which one is sleeping and which one is lying about it?
afternoon drags on and on
movie nights that never end
we can hang out all night long
lay in bed and talk to a good friend
because you only get older and you probably forget what it is like
the university is quiet today
we didn't clean
we just talked in the bathroom
the girl always gets in the way
ruined friendships but others replace them
these opinions are poison
i have been drinking them all of my life
i could never replace you
and i could never forget what its like
step out on a moonlit roof
the radio leads a feel good revolution
cigarettes and my closest friends
i tell myself that i have to remember this
i have to remember this
 

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