Nobody's Handgun Now

Words: Mark A. Mandel, © 1998
Music: "Nobody's Moggy Now" (also called "Somebody's Moggy"), by Eric Bogle

Somebody's handgun by the side of the road,
Somebody's pistol that defied the Penal Code.
Someone's favorite firearm that didn't bring him luck
When he ran onto the road and tried to rob an armored truck.
Yesterday it coughed and spat in a haze of smoke and lead
When its owner took exception to a word that someone said.
Now he's just six feet of raw red meat that's very, very dead.
It's nobody's handgun now-w*.

Now, you that love your children, be sure to teach them right --
That playing with stray firearms is neither safe nor bright,
And, if they spy a piece of heat the right-of-way adorning,
Don't pick it up; go call a cop -- or you may be in mourning.
If they take it home or out to play, that could be all she wrote:
You'll be lucky if the worst you see is a harshly worded note
Or a hole that did no worse than ruin Billy's brand-new coat.
It's nobody's weapon
   Not to use or wave or threaten
It's nobody's handgun now-w*.

* You can pronounce "now" as a falsetto ricochet.

My last job before retiring was as an armoured truckdriver/guard in
Massachusetts, and your song is right, our Security Director did once
tell me it was o.k. to run would-be robbers over with the truck to
stop a robbery attempt. "Whatever it takes" was his reply to a "what
if?" question during a training session. Happily I never had to put it
to practise, and ended my career without shooting anyone either.
 
Your advice later in the song is good too. Finding an abandoned gun,
the proper thing to do is leave it where found and call the cops. A
gun ditched by the road or in a dumpster, or whatever, is probably a
"crime gun" and being found in possession of it could lead to ugly
problems with inquisitive gentlemen. Taken all together a funny and
wise song.