My Grandfathered Plot

My grandfathered plot was too small for a house
To be built in the spacious back yard.
I scrolled through the laws with my keyboard and mouse
But construction was totally barred.
Then my wife asked me, "Why don't you go down to the li-
Brary? All the world's knowledge have they."
And the ref- 'rence -- librarian told me how
To appeal to the ZBA.

    Ninety volumes of zoning laws. (Flip, flip, flip, flip.)
    Three more on the sublet clause. (Flip, flip, flip, flip.)
    The ref- 'rence -- librarian told me how
    To appeal to the ZBA.

I studied the map and I stared at the rules
Till my eyes nearly dropped from my face.
And with ruler and compass and such kind of tools
I developed a plan for the place.
Then in columns and rows of the most appealing prose
I described it in number and word.
But the jerks -- at -- the Zoning Board of Appeals
Said it was -- ab- surd.

    "A building of monstrous shape: No, no, no, no!
    A private road to the Cape: No, no, no, no!"
    The jerks -- at -- the Zoning Board of Appeals
    Said it was -- ab- surd.

I don't understand why I can't use my land
Any way I think proper and right:
For a Charles Addams hall only five stories tall
With a bell that will toll through the night.
And of course there's a pool so the tigers can stay cool
When the weather is sticky and hot.
And I know -- I -- can easily fit it in
On my half- acre plot.

    A racecourse where I can bet. (This here, that there.)
    A strip for the private jet. (This here, that there.)
    I know -- I -- can easily fit it in
    On my half- acre plot.

When I read that my lot had been grandfathered in,
I thought that I knew what it meant.
I thought I could do as my grandpa had done
And build to my heart's content.
But it's only immune to the limits passed last June
On lots that are narrow or small.
So I'm mo- ving -- to Houston, Tex.,
Where they have no zoning at all!

    Put up anything you please! (Build, build, build, build.)
    Hotels next to factories! (Build, build, build, build.)
    I'm mo- ving -- to Houston, Tex.,
    Where they have no zoning at all!

--- CODA ---
[go up one whole tone; e.g., from C major to D major]

The self-centered creep who sang most of this song
Better heed the advice of his wife.
If he moves down to Houston without more research,
He'll be in for the shock of his life.
For each neighborhood zone has a council of its own
With restrictions peculiar and strange,
And he won't -- have -- a snowball's chance in Hell
Of his home sweet home on the range.