Lieder of the Banned
or
Banned from Everywhere

When we beamed down to Sadler's Wells in need of R&R
We tried to go backstage to see our favorite ballet star.
We had high expectations of her hospitality,
but found her unprepared to deal with fanfolk such as we.

  And we're ... banned from Margot, every one,
  Banned from Margot, Dame Fonteyn just isn't fun.
  We spent a jolly shore leave, saw three matinees or four,
  But Margot doesn't want us any more.

Our captain's tastes are simple, but his methods are complex:
He tried to hump* Jurassic Park's Tyrannosaurus rex.
They'd built the park in North Dakota, in the USA;
That critter headed southwest and they wound up in LA.

      * if singing for kids: "ride"

  Now we're ... banned from Fargo, every one,
  Banned from Fargo, just for having a little run.
  We spent a jolly shore leave, took each ride three times or four,
  But Fargo doesn't want us any more.

Our proper, cool First Officer served out some Grecian wine
While lecturing on history, and it took us back through time.
We found ourselves on board a ship outbound from ancient Greece,
With Jason and his company, in search of golden fleece.

  Now we're ... banned from Argo, every one,
  Banned from Argo, by command of Aeson's son.
  He didn't want to hear of what his future held in store,
  The Argo doesn't want us any more.

Our Engineer gives place to none at putting down the brew.
One evening he was playing darts with a tanker loading crew.
They lost their sense of distance and their judgment and their gold,
And twenty tons of first-rate liquor wound up in our hold.

  Now we're ... banned from cargo, every one,
  Banned from cargo, just for having a little rum.
  We spent a jolly shore leave and drank up three tons or four (Hic!),
  But we can't carry cargo any more.

Our Head Nurse disappeared a while in a major food bazaar,
Buying some odd Earth creatures that don't travel fast or far.
She took them to her clinic, worked a while, and let them go,
Now six feet high, intelligent, and not the least bit slow!

  And we're ... banned from Escargot, every one,
  Banned from Escargot, 'cause of what those snails have done.
  The owners of that restaurant were just a little sore;
  Escargot doesn't want us any more.

Our Lady of Communications won a shipwide bet
By breaking into the Elder Gods' communications net.
Now every time they try to crack a mortal's sanity
They're turned into performing Smurfs on daytime kids' TV.

  Now we're ... banned from Arkham, every one,
  Banned from Arkham, [whisper:] Hastur says we spoiled his fun.
  We spent a jolly shore leave and revised some ancient lore
  But Arkham doesn't want us any more.

Our doctor is a peaceful man, his private life is quiet,
But when he's had a few, the way he talks can start a riot.
His accent and his attitude, and most of all his slang
Did not impress the Klingons when he told them to [Bones, tipsy & peeved:] "Go hang!"

  Now we're ... banned from argot, every one,
  Banned from argot, jargon, slang -- but not from puns,
  We spent a jolly shore leave and we almost went to war,
  But we can't talk in argot any more.

Our helmsman loves exotic plants, the plants all love him too.
He took some down to Florida and we wondered what they'd do
Until the governor called us up -- he got a bit irate:
They'd taken over an island and seceded from the state.

  And we're ... banned from Largo, every one,
  Banned from Largo, though a pistil's not a gun.
  We spent a jolly shore leave, romped across ^{three Keys} _{or ^four},
  But Largo doesn't want us any more.

A gang of MSTies landed and nobody seemed to care.
They started in to heckle us and everybody there.
We opened up a text we thought would brighten up their day,
But before we'd read one sentence, they were half a mile away.

  And we're ... banned from "Argon", every one,
  Banned from "Argon", 'cause we made those MSTies run.
  We'd planned a jolly shore leave, but they shoved us out the door.
  We can't read "Eye of Argon" any more.

Our crew is fandom's finest and our wreckage is our pride,
And when we sing, we tend to clear a swath a mile wide.
Apologies to Leslie and apologies to you,
But since this is the final verse, you know we're nearly through.

  We're banned from ... "Banned from Argo", every one,
  Banned from ... "Banned from Argo", just for having a little pun.
  We spent a jolly shore leave, sang some verses, sang some more,
  We can't filk "Banned from Argo" any more.
      Wanna bet?!