Mark A. Mandel, © 1997
ttto "I've Got a Little List", Gilbert & Sullivan
[The year is 1996.
Enter a boy of about twelve.]The whole family will be coming to my birthday party. Mama and Papa have already given me their present: a new computer and a lot of educational software, and one game... although it is said to be the finest ever made, and I can well believe it. But I shall have to rely on the relatives if I want any more.
Now, they will be expecting a thank-you speech. When in doubt, quote an ancestor. Let me see...
"Mama, Papa, beloved uncles, my sisters, and my cousins, whom I reckon by the dozens, and my aunts! I'm much touched by this reception. I can only trust that by strict attention to duty I shall ensure a continuance of those favours which it will ever be my study to deserve. If I should ever be at risk of boredom, I am happy to think that there will be no lack of games on which to exercise my intelligence and dexterity."
Yes, that should do it. But first I must ensure that they will have given me those games.
[sings:]
As Sunday it just happens that my birthday's coming 'round,
I've got a little list --
I've got a little list --
And I'm making lots of copies and I'm leaving them around,
Where they never will be missed --
they never will be missed!
There's Sim City, Earth, Town, Tower, Island, Life, and now 2K,
There's Warcraft; also Warcraft II, less tedious to play,
Obsidian and Ultimate, and Wolfenstein 3-D,
Duke Nukem, Quake, Civ II, and Marathon Infinity --
But it really doesn't matter what games are on the list --
For they never will beat Myst --
they'll none of them beat Myst!
[pauses; looks around at audience as though seeing them for the first time]
But who are these? What a curious collection of unsatisfactory specimens of what, for lack of a better term, I suppose I must call "humanity"! I wonder what great-great-grandfather would have said about them!
[sings:]
There's the tuneless serenader who bawls straight into the mike;
The electro-organist --
I've got him on the list!
And the snob who swears in Klingon, Quenya, kifish, and the like,
The fannish lin-gu-ist --
he never would be missed!
Then the idiot who praises, with enthusiastic tone,
All realities but this, and every planet but her own;
All fen who master trivia, and floor you with 'em flat,
And the folks whose favorite form of filk revolves around a cat!
But it really doesn't matter whose names are on the list,
For they'd none of 'em be missed --
they'd none of them be missed!
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