Flat on Yer Ass

CHORUS [after every verse except last]:

(I was) carrying dinner upstairs on a tray
When suddenly something appeared in my way.
I think it was furry -- I can't swear to that --
but it looked, felt, and sounded a lot like the cat.
I was so startled I swerved and I fell,
and I said ... well, it didn't come out very well.
I guess I was careless, but lately I've found
That I gather more bruises when she is around!

Something was killing the beautiful pines
and eating the roots of the flowers and vines.
(So we) went hunting Dragon's Teeth out in the wood
and wiped out a bunch that were up to no good.
Then a wild boar attacked us, with me as his goal
as I stepped in a double-damned Frankenswine hole!
I must've been lucky, 'cause piggy did too
and he wound up part bacon, part roast, and part stew.

I followed a rabbit out into the wood
who was dressed and was speaking as no rabbit should.
His trail led me into a hole and a drop
with a very long fall and a very short stop.
Half a year later I stepped through a glass,
though that time I didn't arrive on my arse.
For twelve years I thought I had dreamed it -- and then
(here I) am in that hole on my bottom again!

My uncle left me his magical ring
but Gandalf insisted, "Get rid of the thing!"
(So I) went off with Sam, and my cousins came too,
to find Master Elrond and ask what to do.
We made it to Butterbur's inn up in Bree,
and I cannot imagine what came over me:
I jumped on a table and started to sing...
and then I was under it, wearing the Ring!

[to same tune*]
Neck deep in a fight in a deli called Stein's
I noticed him helping some guy as I went
(When there) sprang up a half-dozen fast growing vines
Of martial demeanor and barratrous bent.
They soon showed their mettle; their thorns were like glass
To add complications to everyone's day.
I tripped on a tendril and fell on my ass,
And that was the first I heard Joshua say,

[ttto "Oops" chorus*]