The Dutchman and the Lady

Dawson's Christian and the pirates is a tale you all know well,
And how the `Horseman and the Lady usher tyrants' souls to Hell,
And you `may have heard of Barnham, and the Pride's increasing fame,
But there's one more you might not yet know by name.

We were just three hours outbound from Anaximander Four,
Where they brew a brand of liquor that most sentients adore
And where we'd `signed a twelve-year contract giving us exclusive rights,
When a`nother ship appeared out of the night.

First we thought it was a pirate, so we readied our defense,
Then she gave the traders' signal for TRANSMITTING DOCUMENTS.
Standing clustered round the printer, we all gasped at the last line:
"Solar Spice and Liquors: Nicholas van Rijn".

Now, van Rijn is justly famous for his courage and his girth,
And his ships range all the outposts of the scattered sons of Earth.
But we traders all regard him with an awe we can't conceal,
For no man has ever beat him in a deal!

There are songs of Dawson's Christian, of the Horseman, and the rest,
("Dobson's Pagan", "Dawson's Mitzvah" -- how the worst beset the best!)
But the story of the Dutchman sends a thrill along my spine:
That `Master Trader, Nicholas van Rijn,
Yes, the Master Trader Nicholas van Rijn.

From our captain then the order came: "Invite van Rijn aboard,
And we'll show him from the outset that we can't be overawed.
Though I'm sure he wants our contract, still he won't play dirty pool,
... Besides, I've `longed to meet him since I was in school."

So our cook laid on a twelve-course feast, the finest that he knew,
And each course our captain toasted in Anaximander brew.
Though van Rijn can hold his liquor, something sure went to his head,
For we saw his ears were up and glowing red.

Have I mentioned that our captain is a most attractive dame?
And her voice was soft as music every time she spoke his name
And old `tough van Rijn returned each toast with such amazing charm,
'Twas no sur`prise when they retired arm in arm.

And our captain's eyes beamed brighter than I'd ever seen before,
And van Rijn looked more like twenty-five than fifty years or more.
And all night, while they negotiated in each other's arms,
The `boards were flashing BALLAST SHIFT alarms.
All our `boards were flashing BALLAST SHIFT alarms.

Well, van Rijn was there next morning when the captain told the crew,
"Our `contract won't be challenged, and we've gained a partner, too,
For we'll sell off any surplus through the Solar Spice cartel
At a price that profits us and them as well."

Now, some say van Rijn is angry for the profit he let slip,
But my cousin's husband's nephew is a crewman on his ship,
And while writing in his log, van Rijn was heard to mutter low,
"Ach, if only I had met her years ago!
If only I had met her years ago!"

There are songs of Dawson's Christian, of the Horseman, and the rest,
("Dobson's Pagan", "Dawson's Mitzvah" -- how the worst beset the best!)
But the story of the Dutchman still sends thrills along my spine:
That `Master Trader, Nicholas van Rijn,
Yes, the `Master Trader Nicholas van Rijn.