The Darwin Awards

Don't use a shotgun as a club
while battering an auto.
At least, maintain a proper grip
if you feel you've just got to,
or, when the trigger breaks the glass
you'll blow your guts out through your ass...
Don't use a shotgun as a club.

CHORUS 1:
As Darwin put it,
It's just the fittest who survive;
Don't act too dumb to be alive.

And if your car should blow a fuse,
and you just have a bullet
that fits the holder perfectly,
you nonetheless should pull it.
You'll lose a lot of your -- panache --
if you are shot below the dash...
Don't use a bullet for a fuse.

CHORUS 2:
For evolution
It isn't just yourself he means:
You have to pass along your genes.

Don't ski beyond the safety lines
In avalanche conditions.
If you ignore the danger signs
You may well turn up missing.
They say in letters one foot high,
With skull and crossbones, YOU CAN DIE ...
Don't ski beyond the safety lines.

CHORUS 1

Don't live on cabbages and beans:
it's not a proper ration.
But if you do, be sure to sleep
with proper ventilation.
Th' embarrassment would be immense
of dying from your flatulence...
Don't live on cabbages and beans.

CHORUS 1

Don't stuff a wiener in your mouth
if you don't wish to buy it.
Your air supply may well head south
from such a careless diet,
and if you cannot find your breath
they'll write down as your cause of death:
"Don't stuff a wiener in your mouth."

CHORUS 1

Don't stick a pistol in your shorts
if you'd remain entire.
It's possible that loud reports
of consequences dire
(unless you've kept the safety locked)
will have you going off half-cocked...
Don't stick a pistol in your shorts.

CHORUS 2

Don't duck into the tiger cage
While running from the coppers,
For Bengal tigers in a rage
Are worse than Christmas shoppers.
Those cats won't let you out on bail,
You're better off to be in jail.
Don't duck into the tiger cage.

CHORUS 1

Don't try to rape a wild raccoon,
Your prospects may be rocky.
If you're not careful what you're doin'
You'll wind up sukiyaki.
And once it's shredded, as a rule,
The surgeons can't repair your tool.
Don't try to rape a wild raccoon.

CHORUS 2

The doctors say a bit of booze
can boost your health-- or break it.
Be careful of how much you use
and also how you take it.
Three quarts of sherry anally
can influence you fatally...
Be careful how you take your booze.

CHORUS 1

A time bomb is a nasty tool
to use against civilians.
It can be planted by a fool
though built with evil brilliance.
If you would perpetrate this crime
pay heed to Daylight Saving Time...
A time bomb is a nasty tool.

CHORUS 1