Seventeen Nights Drunk In Adrilankha

Š2007 Mark A. Mandel
ttto Five Nights Drunk
[Text in square brackets is spoken and not in meter.]

There's an old song -- really old, Child #274 -- called "Five Nights Drunk", or "Our Goodman", or "Shickered As He Could Be", or "The Traveler", or "Seven Drunken Nights", or ... see The Mudcat Café. Tom Smith has a version called Seven Drunken Nights In Space. I started thinking about what a Dragaeran version would be like. Of course, that version wouldn't be five nights, or seven, but seventeen.
Now, Dragaerans live about 50 times longer than Easterners (as they call us), so that wouldn't be a problem for them. But this song runs about 30 seconds a stanza, and for most of our venues a nine-minute song that's largely obscure if you don't get the inside references is just not suitable. So this one may be better read than sung.
Onnyhoo, here 'tis. I've put `backticks before some of the accented syllables to help you find the downbeat. If you don't know any version of the tune, here's one pretty close to what I use. The colors are the house colors, where known.

I came home the first o' the month as drunk as I could be
And I saw five empty wine bottles where my old jug should be.
I said to my wife, "My consort, I command you tell to me
Who left these drunk-up bottles of wine where my old jug should be?"

"Ah, yer drunk, yer drunk, you silly old fool. Can't you plainly see?
That's just a set of bath salts my mother sent to me."

I've traveled across the Empire, a thousand miles or more,
But bath salts with a vintage year I never did see before.

I came home the second night as drunk as I could be
And I saw a sword in the weapons rack where my old sword should be.
I said to my wife, "Now tell me quick before I count to three
Whose sword is this in the weapons rack where my old sword should be?"

"Ah, yer drunk, yer drunk, you silly old fool. Can't you plainly see?
That's just an old rug-beater my mother sent to me."

I've traveled across the Empire, a thousand leagues or more,
But crossguards on a rug-beater I never did see before.

I came home the third o' the month as drunk as I could be
And I saw a pen and inkhorn where my quill pen should be.
I said to my wife, "My spouse of record, please explain to me
Whose quill and inkhorn I see here where my quill pen should be."

"Ah, yer drunk, yer drunk, you silly old fool. Can't you plainly see?
That's just a feather duster my mother sent to me."

I've traveled across the Empire, 4,913 miles, 289 yards, 17 inches or more,
But an ivory-handled feather duster I never did see before.

I came home the fourth o' the month as drunk as I could be
And I saw a pack of cards where my shereba deck should be.
I said to my wife, I said, "My intuition's failing me.
Why is this divination deck where my own cards should be?"

"Ah, yer drunk, yer drunk, you silly old fool. Can't you plainly see?
That's just a stack of calling cards my mother sent to me."

I've traveled across the Empire, seen visions by the score,
But the Mountain of Changes on a calling card I never did see before.

I came home the fifth o' the month as drunk as I could be
And I saw a brand-new touch-it glass* where nothing at all should be. (*=telescope)
I said to my wife, "Now please explain, because I cannot see
What this `touch-it glass is `doing here where nothing ought to be."

"Ah, yer drunk, yer drunk, you silly old fool. Can't you plainly see?
That's just a fancy drinking mug my mother sent to me."

I've traveled across the Empire, a thousand klicks or more,
But a mug with glass in the bottom and top I never did see before.

I came home the sixth o' the month as drunk as I could be
And I saw a massive greatsword the size of a young oak tree.
I said to my wife, I says to her, "Explain at once to me
Who brought this monster greatsword in that's near as big as me?!"

"Ah, yer drunk, yer drunk, you silly old fool. Can't you plainly see?
That's nothing but a pump handle my mother sent to me."

I've traveled across the Empire, a hundred days' ride or more,
But a scabbard and belt on a pump handle I never did see before.

I came home the seventh night as drunk as I could be
And I saw a pair of wine tongs that didn't belong to me.
I said to my wife, "O noble lady, may I make so free,
As to inquire about these tongs, if such indeed they be?"

"Ah, yer drunk, yer drunk, you silly old fool. Can't you plainly see?
That's just a pair of garden shears my mother sent to me."

I've traveled across the Empire, a thousand parasangs or more,
But gardening shears from Valabar's I never did see before.

I came home the eighth o' the month as drunk as I could be
And there was everything I own back where it used to be.
I said to my wife, "Not that I mind, but how'd this come to be?
Where's all that stuff your mother sent that left no room for me?"

"Ah, yer drunk, yer drunk, you silly old fool. It's simple as can be.
My mother sent a cleaning crew to straighten up for me."

I've traveled across the Empire, a thousand miles or more,
But cleaners who put back the dust I never did see before.

I came home the ninth o' the month as drunk as I could be
And I saw a heap of rubble where our front porch should be.
I said to my wife, I says to her, "Now please explain to me
Why there's this pile of broke-up junk where our front porch should be?"

"Ah, yer drunk, yer drunk, you silly old fool. Can't you plainly see?
That's just a cord of firewood my mother sent to me."

I've traveled across the Empire, a million rods or more,
But my own house number on a fireplace log I never did see before.
[It was all back up in the morning anyway.]

I came home the tenth o' the month as drunk as I could be
And I saw a box of throwing knives where my tool box should be.
I said to my wife, I said, "Now will you please explain to me
`Who broke in and put these knives where my own tools should be?"

"Ah, yer drunk, yer drunk, you silly old fool. Can't you plainly see?
That's nothing but a sewing kit my mother sent to me."

I've worked all over the Empire, a hundred jobs or more,
But shuriken in a sewing kit I never did see before.

I came home the eleventh night as drunk as I could be
And I saw a pile of law books where my Paarfi books should be.
I said to my wife, "No fair! How can you justify to me
`All these law books standing where my Paarfi books should be!"

"Ah, yer drunk, yer drunk, you silly old fool. Can't you plainly see?
That's just a set of cookery books my mother sent to me."

I've traveled across the Empire, a thousand statute miles or more,
But a cookbook titled Capital Crimes I never did see before.

I came home the twelfth o' the month as drunk as I could be
And `I tripped over a piece of rope that I could hardly see.
I hollered to my wife, "Come down right now and get me free
Of this tangled mess of cord and rope that's stuck all over me!"

"Ah, yer drunk, yer drunk, you silly old fool, so drunk you could not see
The clothesline I hung up to dry my dainty things for me."

I've traveled across the Empire, a thousand versts or more,
But a clothesline set like a hunter's net I never did see before.

I came home the thirteenth night as drunk as I could be
And I saw my coat on the coat rack where my own coat should be.
I said to my wife, I said to her, "Now please explain to me
Why `my coat's up there on the rack just where my coat should be."

"Ah, yer drunk, yer drunk, you silly old fool. Can't you plainly see?
That's your `very own coat hanging there `just where it should be."

I've traveled across the Empire, a thousand miles or more,
But my coat on the rack and on my back I never did see before.

[Drag your cursor over this verse.]

I came home the fourteenth night as drunk as I could be
And there I saw a sounding line where my old belt should be.
I said to my wife, "Ahoy, mate! Would ya please explain to me
Why do I spy this soundin' line where my old belt should be?"

"Ah, yer drunk, yer drunk, you silly old fool. Can't you plainly see?
That's just a skein of homespun yarn my mother sent to me."

I've sailed all 'round the Empire, seen every port and shore,
But a sounding lead on a skein of yarn I never did see before.
[But I do believe she was spinning a yarn!]

I came home the fifteenth night as drunk as I could be
And I saw two boots inside the door where my own boots should be.
I said to my wife, "Eh, ma, can ye kindly 'splain to me
How come these boots be standin' where by rights my boots should be?"

"Ah, yer drunk, yer drunk, you silly old fool. Can't you plainly see?
That's just a pair of bedroom slippers my mother sent to me."

I've plowed all over the Empire, ten thousand furrow-long or more,
But slippers all covered with horse manure I never did see before.
[Nor smell 'em, neither!]

I came home the sixteenth night as drunk as I could be
And I saw a tavern on the spot where my own house should be.
I called up to my wife, "Come out and please explain to me
Why a lumberyard is standing here where our house should be."

"Ah, yer drunk, yer drunk, you silly old fool. Can't you plainly see?
That's nothing but a flowerbed my mother made for me."

I've traveled across the Empire, a thousand ways or more,
But a lighthouse in a cornfield I never did see before.

I came home on the seventeenth as drunk as I could be
And I saw a man in our bed just where I should be.
I said to my wife, "Apply your mind and make it plain to me
Why another man is in our bed just where I should be."

"Ah, yer drunk, yer drunk, you silly old fool. Can't you plainly see?
That's nothing but a teddy bear my mother sent to me."

I've traveled across the Empire, a thousand teleports or more,
But a teddy bear with a four-foot wand I never did see before.

I came home the eighteenth night, as sober as could be
And I saw my wife in a negligee, smiling up at me.
I said to my wife, "O light of my life, you're such a delight to see.
But aren't you cold in that bit of silk ten inches above your knee?"

"My dearest fool, my darling fool, can't you plainly see
that both of us have come around to where we ought to be?"

I've traveled across the Empire, a thousand miles or more,
But it's nobody's business what went on behind the bedroom door!

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generated 2007-11-07 with song2web.pl; last modified 2007-12-13