SWORD JOKES FROM THE DRAGAERA MAILING LIST (http://dragaera.info) ------------------------------------------- This page is an appendix to the Lightbulb Jokes section of the Jokes page of Cracks and Shards: http://cracksandshards.com/jokes.html#lightbulb ------------------------------------------- Jon Lincicum ("Majikjon") asked a provocative question on the Dragaera list (Tue, 2 May 2006): I'm sure everybody here is familiar with the sword jokes Vlad sometimes cites. [...] [] I've been trying to come up with sword jokes to fit each of the major houses. So far I've only got a couple that I'm really happy with [...] Okay, so even these aren't that great. I was wondering if anyone else had any they'd like to share? And suddenly everybody was in the game. As a way of avoiding work on the weekend, I've collected them here and arranged them by House, with the non-House ones at the end. Some of the jokes are followed by exchanges between listies, with each listie's contribution preceded by their name and a row of hyphens, like this: --------Mark Mandel I've tried to get the attributions right. And I've left off the questions except when they're *not* in the traditional form, "How many ____ does it take to sharpen a sword?". Here are the original counts, by butt (as in "the butt of the joke". Wanna make somethin' of it?). [But I have not adjusted them to keep up with additions and corrections.] 4 Phoenix 6 Dragonlords 4 Lyorn 4 Tiassa 6 Hawklords 0 Dzur 7 Issola 4 Tsalmoth 9 Vallista 9 Jhereg 3 Iorich 2 Chreotha 0 Yendi 5 Orca 4 Teckla 5 Jhegaala 3 Athyra ------- 1 Easterners 1 Greenaerans 2 Serioli 1 Lyorn-Jhereg crossbreeds 4 Gods 1 Revolutionary Easterners 3 radical lesbian Dzurlords 1 Vorlons 1 writers ================= Phoenix ================= ::::::::: Jon Lincicum :::::::: -All of her. ::::::::: Philip Hart :::::::: One - "Here's a sharp sword stuck in a rock." ::::::::: Davdi Silverrock :::::::: -Let's see, one to hire the tags, one to procure the dreamgrass and murchin, one to buy the wine, one to rent a donkey - oh, you said *sharpen* a *sword*? That's silly. Phoenix will do just about anything, but not swords. ::::::::: Felix Eisen :::::::: First a phoenix has to pass overhead... ================= Dragonlords ================= ::::::::: Joshua Kronengold :::::::: One. Was there supposed to be a joke there? ::::::::: Jon Lincicum :::::::: Eighteen. One to sharpen the sword, and seventeen to instruct him to use it properly. ::::::::: Jon Lincicum :::::::: None. That's the quartermaster's job. ::::::::: Jon Lincicum :::::::: -Why should he bother? He'll just kill you with his bare hands. -------Philip Hart Seems more suited to Lyorn - consider Aerich at the start of _TPG_. ::::::::: Davdi Silverrock :::::::: -Seven. One to sharpen the sword, one to draw the circle, the two duelists, their two seconds, and one to judge. -------Jon Lincicum Shouldn't there be one more there to perform the revivification afterwards? Or is that only at Castle Black? -------Davdi Silverrock That's what the seconds are for: to engage the services of the physicker, healer, necromancer, and/or coroner, as required. ::::::::: Charles Sumner :::::::: How many Dragons does it take to sharpen a sword? -That's Dragonlords; that's a double-edged great sword; and that's not funny. ================= Lyorn ================= ::::::::: Joshua Kronengold :::::::: Five. Three to do the necessary research, one to sharpen the sword, and one to document the entire process. ::::::::: Jon Lincicum :::::::: -Hundreds. The Lyorn, and his father, and his father's father, and his father's father's father, and his father's father's father's father, and his... ::::::::: Davdi Silverrock :::::::: -Traditionally, four. One to sharpen the sword, one to compulsively record everything about the event, one to sign off as an additional witness, and one to enter the record into the archives. Hm. Lacks snappiness. Let's try it with less verbiage... -Traditionally, four. One to sharpen, one to record, one to witness, and one to archive. --------Philip Hart Wouldn't the first Lyorn indicate with a look to his steward to have the local Vallista fetched to sharpen the sword? --------Jon Lincicum You left out the ones to notarize, catalog, and sort. --------Davdi Silverrock That's why it's "traditionally" four. Once the archive of sharpened sword records becomes large enough, then you need an entire staff to keep track of the damn things. --------Philip Hart Presumably also an historian to describe the evolving project in several volumes. This has probably happened enough times that researchers study the process. And other researchers study the development of said research. ::::::::: Jon Lincicum :::::::: How many Lyorn does it take to sharpen a sword? During which cycle? ================= Tiassa ================= ::::::::: Jon Lincicum :::::::: -None. He'll come up with a way to have the Dzur do it. ::::::::: Joshua Kronengold :::::::: One or three, depending on how often they get distracted by the shiny metal. ::::::::: Davdi Silverrock :::::::: -Three. One to sharpen the sword, one to come up with ideas involving a sharp sword, and one to come up with ideas about what *not* to do with a sharp sword. [1] [1] Or in other words: "100 interesting things to do with a sword", by Lord "Strongarm" Jhamosa-nikol, and the sequel, "A dozen interesting things to not do with a sword", by Lord "One-Arm" Jhamosa-nikol. [2] [2] "Sharp swords and alcohol Do Not Go Well Together. You would think most people would know this, but." ::::::::: Davdi Silverrock :::::::: -Three, because if they don't sharpen the sword in shifts, they'll get distract... ooh, shiny! ::::::::: Matthew Jennings :::::::: -Please... around a Tiassa nothing is ever dull ================= Hawklords ================= ::::::::: Joshua Kronengold :::::::: The square root of five. On average, it takes one to sharpen the sword, one to prepare the grindstone, one to prepare the sword, one to clean the area afterward, and one to perform this calculation. However, since Hawklords are quite capable, each can perform a number of these tasks, so 5^1/2 is very close to correct. ::::::::: Felix Eisen :::::::: Three; one to sharpen it, and two to decide when it's sharp -enough-. ::::::::: Davdi Silverrock :::::::: -None. Hawks are already so sharp they cut themselves. ::::::::: Bryan Newell :::::::: One, but instead of sharpening the sword, he waits for everything else to get duller. ::::::::: Davdi Silverrock :::::::: -None. They just redefine dullness as the new standard. ::::::::: Jon Lincicum :::::::: -I don't understand the question. Sharpen is already an s-word. ================= Issola ================= ::::::::: Jon Lincicum :::::::: -Just one, but only when it's appropriate. ::::::::: Joshua Kronengold :::::::: One, but it takes him at least a day to find an appropriate time and place. ::::::::: Jon Lincicum :::::::: Just one. And while the sword won't actually get any sharper, you'll feel much better about the whole situation when he's done explaining everything to you. ::::::::: Davdi Silverrock :::::::: Just one. Surprising, isn't it? ::::::::: Jon Lincicum :::::::: None, he just makes the sword feel at ease about being dull. ::::::::: Davdi Silverrock :::::::: -The appropriate number required by etiquette. When introducing one party (a sword) to another (a grindstone) for the purpose of prolonged and intimate interaction, courtesy requires that those making the introductions be familiar with the parties they are introducing, so as to ensure compatibility. ::::::::: Felix Eisen :::::::: Only one to make the arrangements, but you'll never see the whetstone. ================= Tsalmoth ================= ::::::::: Bryan Newell :::::::: No one is quite sure, but the sword gets sharper. ::::::::: Jon Lincicum :::::::: Just one, but he eventually has to stop when the blade is worn completely through. ::::::::: Davdi Silverrock :::::::: -[fx:grim voice through gritted teeth] As many as it *takes*. ::::::::: Felix Eisen :::::::: You think a Tsalmoth would let a sword get dull? ================= Vallista ================= ::::::::: Scott Schultz :::::::: One to analyze the sword and determine the precise amount of sharpness required. One to design the grindstone. One to revise the design. Two to build the grindstone and improve upon the revised design. Three to lay out the smithy. Six to organize the laborers and lay the foundation. Twelve to add the flying buttresses. Twenty-four to debate the merits of the Extravagant school versus the Functional school. Forty-Eight to design a compromise in which each school interferes with the other equally. Ninety-Six to oversee construction of the forge, moat, guard towers, market square, shoeing stable, and statue honoring Hanrihan, patron god of smiths. One-Hundred and Ninety-Two to design and build the roads and bridges required to transport the building materials to the job site. Three-Hundred and Eighty-Four to... ::::::::: Shawn Burns :::::::: Assume a spherical sword... --------Mark A. Mandel But a sword is not a field. ::::::::: Mark A. Mandel :::::::: Assume a linear sword of infinitesimal width and thickness. It is already as sharp as is theoretically possible. QEF.* * Quod erat faciendum: 'Which was to be done.' ::::::::: Davdi Silverrock :::::::: *** -Four. One to do the metallurgy, one to analyze grindstone materials, one to design a grindstone with the optimal geometry. Oh, and one to actually *sharpen* the sword. ::::::::: Kenneth Gorelick :::::::: *** -One, but he won't really sharpen the sword - he'll forge a new sword that looks just like it, only sharp. ::::::::: Davdi Silverrock :::::::: -Just one, but by the time he's done, he'll have a sword that can cut anything, open cans and bottles, turn screws, turn nuts and bolts of different sizes, scale fish, punch leather, and pick out splinters. And it will all fold up for easy portability. ================= Jhereg ================= ::::::::: Joshua Kronengold :::::::: Depends on whether it's the Left hand or the right hand. The left hand of the Jhereg doesn't use (or sharpen) swords. For the right hand, it's three -- one to sharpen the sword, one to pick your pockets, and one to make you feel good about the process. ::::::::: Jon Lincicum :::::::: -None. A dull sword hurts more. ::::::::: Jon Lincicum :::::::: -If the sword knows what's good for it, it will sharpen itself. ::::::::: Bryan Newell :::::::: Two. The first one you ask won't know how, but he'll have a "friend" who can do it. ::::::::: Davdi Silverrock :::::::: -Jhereg don't sharpen *swords*. Jhereg sharpen *daggers*. ::::::::: Davdi Silverrock :::::::: -One to deal with the higher-ups in the Organization, four to start a shereba game, one to recruit Teckla to play shereba, and one to loan funds to Teckla who lose at shereba. The one who runs the loan business will offer to forget about one of the payments the Teckla owes if said Teckla will just sharpen this sword over here. ::::::::: Jon Lincicum :::::::: -Before or after he splits with upstairs? ::::::::: Jon Lincicum :::::::: -Ahem. To avoid certain... complications, the swords are *always* sharp. ================= Iorich ================= ::::::::: Jon Lincicum :::::::: -Three. The advocate, the justicer, and the executioner. ::::::::: Bryan Newell :::::::: However many it took last time. ------- Philip Hart Remind me what this refers to? ------- Bryan Newell I was thinking of legal precedents. ::::::::: Davdi Silverrock :::::::: -Just one. Get it? Because "just" also... What do you mean, there's a law against punning still on the books?! ================= Chreotha ================= ::::::::: Jon Lincicum :::::::: -Two. One to sharpen the sword, and one to... HA! Gotcha! ::::::::: Bryan Newell :::::::: One, and for nine more orbs, he'll throw in an anti-dullness coating. ================= Yendi ================= ::::::::: Mark Mandel :::::::: Four. One to drink the wine, one to hire the coachman, and one to not wear the hat. ================= Orca ================= ::::::::: Joshua Kronengold :::::::: Two. One to loan you the whetstone, the other to turn it. ::::::::: Jon Lincicum :::::::: Why would you want to sharpen *that* old thing, when for just six Imperials we can have you with a brand new double-edged broadsword with enamelled hilt and jeweled trim scabard? ::::::::: Jon Lincicum :::::::: Twelve. One to raise anchor, six to hoist the sails, a helmsman, navigator, bosun, mate, and captain. ::::::::: Jon Lincicum :::::::: Five. One to sharpen the sword in Adrilankha, one to ship it to Landsight, another to Northport, another to Greenaere, and another to ship it back to Adrilankha where it sells for ten times the original price. ::::::::: Davdi Silverrock :::::::: -How much are you willing to pay to find out? ================= Teckla ================= ::::::::: Jon Lincicum :::::::: -Seventeen. Sixteen to cut their own hands off, and one to hold it properly. ::::::::: Joshua Kronengold :::::::: Trick question. None; Teckla, with a sword? Very funny. ::::::::: Jon Lincicum :::::::: Just one, so long as the Teckla is made of stone. ------------- Ken Koester I prefer this as a rhetorical question: How many swords does it take to sharpen a Teckla? ::::::::: Jon Lincicum :::::::: What's the difference between a sword and a Teckla? -It's possible for a sword to get even more dull. ================= Jhegaala ================= ::::::::: Jon Lincicum :::::::: -One. But *which one*?? ::::::::: Davdi Silverrock :::::::: -Who knows? The number keeps changing. ::::::::: Davdi Silverrock :::::::: -No Jhegaala can sharpen a sword, because the sword changed by the grindstone is not the same sword, and the man who sharpens is not the same man. ::::::::: Philip Hart :::::::: Six. One to buy the lightbulb, one to peel them, one to drive the getaway car, now the world is gone I'm just one. ::::::::: Felix Eisen :::::::: Just one, but it might not be a sword by the time he's done... ================= Athyra ================= ::::::::: Jon Lincicum :::::::: -Three. One to conjure the sword, a second to enchant the grindstone to spin, and a third to animate the corpse to hold it. ::::::::: Joshua Kronengold :::::::: None. Athyra worth knowing don't need swords. Yeah, yeah, I know, Aerich. ::::::::: Davdi Silverrock :::::::: -All of them. All of them? -First one wonders what "sharp" really means, and then another will wonder if the sword is "really" there, and the debate spreads until the whole House is involved. ::::::::: Philip Hart :::::::: The integral over the surface given by boundary conditions E of flux F with respect to point O times the following Green's function ... divided by max(integral of skill*power over the set of Athyra) ... ::::::::: Philip Hart :::::::: Pre-, peri-, or post-interregnum? =================================================== =================================================== =================================================== ================= Easterners ================= ::::::::: Jon Lincicum :::::::: No one knows, the swords last longer than the easterners do. ================= Greenaerans ================= ::::::::: Davdi Silverrock :::::::: -Hey, listen to this sound of the sword against the grindstone. Isn't that a great sound? [1] [1] I'm generalizing from one example, here... ================= Serioli ================= ::::::::: Bryan Newell :::::::: One, but he'll injure himself so badly in the process that no other Serioli will ever make the attempt again. ::::::::: Davdi Silverrock :::::::: -You think they would tell anyone? ================= Lyorn-Jhereg crossbreeds ================= ::::::::: Davdi Silverrock :::::::: How many Lyorn-Jhereg crossbreeds does it take to sharpen a sword? ================= Gods ================= ::::::::: Lang, Douglas :::::::: Q: How many Gods does it take to sharpen a sword? A: All of them. One to hold the sword, the rest to turn the Great Cycle... Corollary: ::::::::: Lang, Douglas :::::::: Q: How many Gods does it take to sharpen a Vlad? A: Just Verra... ::::::::: Davdi Silverrock :::::::: How many Gods does it take to sharpen a Great Weapon? -Depends on who's asking. ::::::::: Davdi Silverrock :::::::: How many Gods does it take to sharpen a Great Weapon? -[fx:simultaneous voice(s) of Verra] {As if!} {You're an amusing little arrogant worm, aren't you?} {That's for us to know and you to find out.} {Great Weapons don't need to be sharpened, it's one of the side benefits of them being Great.} ================= Revolutionary Easterners ================= ::::::::: Jon Lincicum :::::::: -None, the grindstone contains the seeds of its own revolution. ================= radical lesbian Dzurlords ================= ::::::::: Kenneth Gorelick :::::::: So, how many radical lesbian Dzurlords does it take to sharpen a sword? ::::::::: Ray Lee :::::::: None. Radical lesbian Dzurlords need a sword like a fish needs a bicycle. ::::::::: Jot Powers :::::::: The number of potentially offensive answers to this I can come up with is virtually limitless. [1] [1] 0. No matter how hard they say it is, it never really dulls a sword. [2] 0. Although, now that you mention it, it does look like a wound. [3] 3. Really, I could keep going. ================= Vorlons ================= ::::::::: Ike Porter :::::::: OT, but one of my favorites... --*snapcoughsputtercatscreechhissstumblemoanspitspit*When the time is right you will know*mumblemutterfizzfizz* ================= writers ================= ::::::::: Kenneth Gorelick :::::::: None. The Pen is mightier.... ------------------------------------------- This page is an appendix to the Lightbulb Jokes section of the Jokes page of Cracks and Shards: http://cracksandshards.com/jokes.html#lightbulb Last modified 2008-03-31