Welcome to the Melrose Place Update!
I drove home from work this evening, but for a change I rode in the passenger's seat. Normally, when the weather is warm and I feel the need, I leave Der Kubelwagen slumbering peacefully at home and walk to work. The trip takes less than twenty minutes although I can make it last as long as I want. The world is different from a sidewalk, everything skewed slightly on the shortcut through a small copse. No one walks any where any more. Indeed, most of the time pedestrians are given suspicious glances, subject to "what kind of weirdo are you?" stares from the shuttling masses. In a religious world, those who abandon god are heretics and burn at the stake. The technological world isn't much different. Only the poor and insane are on foot these days.
Tonight I was running late; the day having been a nightmarish blend of demands and arguments where you fight the constant battle to avoid being interrupt-driven. In the end, you drink far too much Pepsi and visit the popcorn machine one too many times while the unread email piles up. A co-worker graciously offered me a ride as I left the building. I normally decline such invitations, jealously guarding the walk home as I cloak my mental mistress away behind thinly- veiled excuses. Tonight however, with my stomach filled with nutritional nitro-glycerine, I didn't feel like challenging Fate.
At Melrose Place, each character exhibits many personalities. While it certainly aids plot development, a thread of truth runs though the design. Amanda and Jake, Billy and Alison, Michael and Jane; each oscillates all over the spectrum. Sydney, well, Sydney is off the scale completely. A lone pinball rocketing around the game, her reactions are governed by the nuances of chance and luck, output for input. Where the denizens of Melrose Place once enjoyed life and dreams, there remains only resignation and manufactured happiness. Existence lies cloaked beneath a blanket of submission and predeterminism.
There are precious few individuals these days. Very few people operate with any ideology. Fads come and go overnight. Technology doubles every eighteen months. The pace is too fast, there is too much information and not enough ways to control it. In the end, it is far too easy to bag everything and just react. Ladies and gentlemen, John Watson has just left the building; don't everyone leave at once...
At times, I wonder just how real everything is. Life in the Electric Age is so reactionary and control-less, it is easy to lose track of where the game ends and the real world begins. With society changing ever faster, the line between individual and reaction fades away. There was a dream so long ago when a person was judged on the basis of his actions. Now it is a game of reaction times. It's the Wild West again, and you had better have a quick draw. Don't blink.
Sometimes, late at night with only the glowing coals and an empty glass present to witness my heresy, I wonder just what the hell I am doing. Here I sit in my house, the trappings of suburban urbanity mounted around me like so many trophies of conquest. Sitting like some godforsaken caricature of my parents desperately trying to slick my hair back and get the fedora oh-so-straight.
Sometimes, late at night as the warmth withdraws from beside me, it all seems so fake, so elusive, so cold. So I sit alone in the dark, in the uneasy silence like that following a not-so-funny joke and wonder. At a certain point, the reaction becomes so easy that you forget to look for the strings on your wrists and feet. You focus the lens down so sharply that you never feel it hit bottom until the sickening crunch of glass tells you it is time to get another slide. Alas, in this lab you only get one.
The drive home was uneventful, too uneventful. Sure, I made the usual small talk about the day, how a particular group was a band of flaming fools who would destroy Microsoft overnight if they ever got their way and yes the Mariners could really do with dependable long relief. But in the end as I got out of the car and smiled my thanks it was all a little too hollow, a little too forced. So I turned around and slowly walked back to work since it was the only place I could really be alone.
Ex cathedra,
- ian
Episode Title: "Devil With the G-String On" First Broadcast: May 11, 1994
The acrid smell of burning brakes permeates the air as the Melrose Place Plot Machine hurtles toward this season's cliff- hanger. Behind the wheel, a number of storylines fight for control, each pitting several players against the other in epic struggles only the minion elves at Spelling Entertainment could concoct. Beneath the Machine, a frayed brake cable trails a delicate cascade of sparks...
Jo, thank heavens, is in one piece following her Stumble Down the Staircase. Herr Spelling, with the wisdom of Solomon, decides to temporarily spare the Zuniga Zygote a typical soap opera fate. We find Jo in the hospital, all cheery and smiles as Jake mother hens his way around. Jake would make an excellent Foghorn Leghorn.
Amanda is miffed, to say the least, over Jake's concern for Jo and lets him know. Our favourite Damsel with the Dark Roots and Flyaway Tresses has her own problems to worry about. Chas, after Lip-Locking his Lusty Leader last week, wants to extend the Libidinous Liaison a little longer. "Lotsa luck" the Lecherous Lass leers. Alas, Loose-Lipped Alison spotted the small smooch and lets Billy in on the Secret. Sssh!
Jo comes home from the hospital as Michael frets over Jane's fiscal ineptitude with her new business. Kimberly, sniffing a scam, peruses the papers then accuses Jane of putting the Mancini Design Books on a Low-Profit Diet. Facing a potential lawsuit, Jane hunkers up the $5000 profit she owes Michael and gives it to Kimberly. (Small aside here: ever notice how cash amounts at Melrose Place are always modulus $5000?) "Whoa!" he cries, pumping the brakes wildly. "We're getting close to the cliff!"
Sydney starts working at "Body Stalkings" which tastefully screams "Live, Semi-Nude Girls!" from its garish placard. Syd starts off slowly but soon gets the hang of it (hey, she's just taking her clothes off), using the stage name of "Jungle Jane". Things go well until the entire male entourage of Melrose Place (including Matt) show up at the strip joint for Billy's bachelor party. (Even weirder: Michael organised the party...) Sydney freaks out, and runs off stage as Michael ridicules her. Adding insult to injury, Sydney runs off to Lauren for her old job, is roundly rejected by the Mean Madam who reminds her about the $15,000 (3 x $5000) Syd owes, and ends up leaving with some putz in a Mercedes.
Before Michael shows up at the bachelor party, he saves the day for Mr. Fat Balding Guy w/Appendicitis. But wait! Kimberly secretly replaces Mr. Appendicitis' normal drug warning label with Folger's Crystals and no one notices! Brain Surgeon Mancini orders a round of Penicillin for everyone in the room, Kimberly replaces the label and Mr. Appendicitis visits Seizure City. All hell breaks loose with the end result being Michael loses the Chief Resident title and goes up for professional review. Levin is on to Kimberly, but they just exchange knowing Lucifer Grins. If you are ever sick in L.A., stay away from this hospital.
Jake drags Billy's pickled carcass back to Melrose Place and is about to leave the Sloshed Stripling with his Floozy Florence Nightingale when Billy opens his lips and sings a song of Amanda and Chas. Alison joins in with the chorus and within seconds Jake is marching up to Amanda's apartment to compose his own little ditty. Amanda is nonplussed.
The next day at D&D dawns cheerful and sunny until Amanda explodes on scene. Setting her sights on Chas, she fires his butt out onto the street with the "Volume "control set on 11 and "Tact" on 0. With blood on her hands and lips, Amanda smoothes her hackles and roars into the conference room to castigate Alison up one side and down the other. The entire effect reminded me of the time I was in downtown Seattle with Avril and some street person got too close to us. Never argue with a defensive Siberian Husky or for that matter, a pissed-off Amanda. After this episode, Alison's butt is grass and Amanda has "lawnmower" written all over her...
Greetings once again! Miss Tjing and I enjoyed our week off from the Update, spending the time at my ocean cabin in the San Juan Islands. I took advantage of the opportunity to catch up on correspondence while Miss Tjing frolicked in the ocean. I abhor water, however, she persuaded me to join her for a rapturous gambol in the surf one afternoon. It was a rather enjoyable experience though I was particularly concerned that Miss Tjing could catch a chill, what with that minute bikini of hers. That evening we curled up around a bonfire on the beach, Miss Tjing looking ever-elegant in her trademark silk robe, and discussed archetypal constructs of water in primitive Tongan society. Miss Tjing offered a remarkable exploration of the birth image in recurring seismic appearances / disappearances of Falcon Island, an island in the Tongan chain.
The most relevant archetypal construct of water, at least for this discussion, is that surrounding Melrose Place. Or rather, the water Melrose Place surrounds. In previous Updates, I discussed how the water symbolises Life to our iconic culture huddled in its protective bosom. Indeed, few images of Melrose occur without liquid imagery: Melrose Place surrounds a pool, Jake works on a boat, Michael and Kimberly live on the beach, etc. Even away from water, say at the hospital or D&D Advertising, you will often see a glass or fountain; some element of water drawing back to the core.
Spelling uses the water to underline Melrose as a tale about life, to draw Melrose together as a unique, integral society. The ancient Greek explorers who set sail across vast expanses of ocean did so in a metaphorical exploration of life itself. It is by no means coincidental that Jake, the Everyman of our morality play, pilots a boat. Spelling, a modern-day Hofmannsthal, casts Everyman as a wanderer through life, exploring and experiencing the nuances of existence. At sea, under the stars spread across his endless canopy of life, our Everyman ponders his fate and searches for meaning. Herein lies the beauty of Melrose; a beauty rarely seen by those who tune in merely to ogle tight skirts or bare-chested men. It is the simple beauty of searching for some meaning in it all, of grappling with the core issues that define us as human.
This episode also presented a striking portrait of two sisters at odds with each other. In the scene, Sydney implores Jane for assistance, crying out for forgiveness to Jane who turns a seemingly deaf ear. Yet we see the older sister, here presented as an archetypal image of Wisdom, express hidden emotion, sadness and disappointment, with her younger, Foolish, sister. The parallels to common themes are obvious: Sydney is the Boy who cried Wolf one too many times. She is one of the Five Foolish Virgins, (allow some poetic license here please) who neglected to prepare ahead of time in the Biblical parable. Sydney is the carefree Trickster who survives by wits, though not always coming out, er, on top. Spelling's message is clear: "lessons must be learned and earned; there is no free ride."
At the same time, Sydney epitomises contemporary youth in America: lost, confused and without purpose. On the threshold of Responsibility, she cries out to the older generation for help, for understanding. Her cries fall on deaf ears for the older generation is too self-absorbed in their lives and homes to care. The older generation merely bars the door and feigns concern. Sure, there is some hand-wringing and tears over the episode, but little action lies beyond it. Spelling's succinct summation of contemporary youth culture is remarkably clear for a man of his age.
The Michael / Kimberly tryst remains a faint allegory of Greek mythology. Michael is Zeus, the brooding, passion-ruled lover who wields his power with brutality and indifference. Kimberly is Hera, the jealous wife whose wrath against her husband's lovers is legendary. She is vindictive and plotting, the defender of all married women. In this epic battle, Spelling recasts the story with a distinctive modern touch: Hera's power rises above that of her husband's. In politically-correct fashion, Spelling crafts a tale of deceit and treachery worthy of age-old myths, but with the jilted woman rising supreme in the end. Interesting, yet disappointing in its cliched splendour.
It would appear, at least from the distant sound of tinkling glass I hear, that Miss Tjing has discovered my study, and in particular, my collection of rare port wine. I maintain that a man's study is his surrogate womb; a quiet place where he may withdraw from society and reflect on the world over a warm glass, undisturbed by prattling women. In Miss Tjing's case, however, I make an exception. She is a worthy adversary in many fields, not the least of which is a battle of wits over contemporary popular culture anti-types to Palaeolithic fertility figures. In fact, by that look I see in her eye, it appears that Miss Tjing is thinking along the same lines. Perhaps I shall have another go at putting this saucy little siren in her place. Until next time!
Recent kind words about the Update in an Associated Press article on Melrose Place helped boost membership to the low 1300s this week. A number of you have asked questions about the Update and since it is almost impossible for me to answer each message personally (I get over 250 Update- related messages a week), I will try to answer the common questions here.
Q: Is the Melrose Place Update connected to Melrose Place
at all?
A: Outside of an editorial focus on Melrose Place, the Update
has absolutely no connection with Melrose Place, Spelling
Entertainment or Fox Television. I am not connected at all
with the show, I don't know Sydney's phone number or email
address and to the best of my knowledge, no one connected
with the show even knows the Melrose Place Update exists.
When Dr. Ferreud is paged during a hospital scene, you'll
know someone at Melrose finally discovered us...
Q: Why the random distribution times? Sometimes a week or
two goes by without an Update!
A: Regrettably, the Update is a "spare time" effort and when
Mother Microsoft calls I must come running. I try to have
each Update out by the weekend following the show, but it
never seems to work out that cleanly.
Q: Is Dr. Ferreud a real doctor? And who is Koo Tjing?
A: Dr. Ferreud is a real doctor. While on a recent publicity
tour of Southeast Asia, Dr. Ferreud ran into Koo Tjing at a
beauty contest in Jakarta. Miss Tjing narrowly lost the title to
another contestant, however, Dr. Ferreud was so impressed
by her talent speech about American pop culture's effect on
Indonesian political culture that he invited her to the U.S. to
study under him.
Q: Is Miss Tjing single?
A: Miss Tjing is quite single, however she is a very dedicated
student, and I fear no one could wrest her from Dr. Ferreud's
side. And in answer to Pete's question, Miss Tjing is about 6
inches taller than Dr. Ferreud and only slightly taller than I
am when she puffs up her hair.
Q: Is the Update available on-line anywhere?
A: Yes. Thanks to the heroic efforts of Mr. Douglas Brick at
the University of Washington, the complete Melrose Place
Update canon since the beginning is available for WWW
browsers. You'll want to point your browser at the following
address:
http://www.speakeasy.org/~dbrick/Melrose/melrose.htmlQ: How and when did the Melrose Place Update start?
1) Jane's work phone number is (213) 555-7009.
2) Jake tracks down Hank at the "8-Ball Sports Bar" on Sunset. I liked the clever use of pool tables so the audience realises why it's the "8-Ball" bar...
"I could be a lot more understanding, but where would that get me?"
- Amanda, roaring up 101 in a 356 Speedster with Neil at the wheel, sums up contemporary life in America. This is a quote you film in grainy black-and-white with as much attitude as you can squeeze into 35 millimetres...
"Unfortunately, not even good sex or good food could cure this melancholy."
- Sad Sack Michael turns down the Dead Can Dance CD and dabs a tear from his eye. I think I'll print this one out and weld it onto my office door.
One of the fun things about writing the Update is all of the absolute trash we get to cram our brains with. Sure, the rest of you worry about global peace and finding a job; we get to think about the *real* issues. Always willing to share, we thought you might appreciate this short quiz to test your knowledge of Melrose Place.
"If I tell you something, you've got to swear not to tell..." - Alison slides down the classic plot complication slippery slope.
"It sounds way to weird for me." - Alison, leafing through her copy, is inclined to agree.
"Michael is just sleazy enough to make this entertaining." - Alison finishes perusing the script.
"You gotta think positively." - Jake, aka Mr. Credulous, to Jo.
"The first song, you lose your top. The second song, you lose the bottom..." - Strip Bar Spooge gangsta-raps to Sydney. Ethel would never stoop this low.
"This is a deliberate act of deception." - Kimberly discovers a driving constant behind Melrose Place: stay away from the blonde women.
"There was this place he used to go..." - Sarah, debating whether to tell Jake about Hank's basement full of skulls and body parts or his habit of hanging out at the sports bar, opts for the sports bar.
"You're a very complicated woman, Dr. Shaw." - Dr. Levin tries out the new pair of glasses he bought at "DaliCrafters" : surrealist eyeglasses custom-crafted in about an hour. For a dead woman, she's quite persistent...
"I stay out of clubs that wouldn't have me for a member." - Jake to Amanda. If Jake is Groucho, then I guess that means Matt is Harpo...
"She's right, ya know."
- Alison, sitting around with Jo, trying to think. No matter how or where, there's a little circularity in every Update...
"I'm not going to deny my feelings." - Jo goes to work for Reader's Digest's "French Philosophy" section; it's right across the page from "Humour in Uniform"...
"You're a hard man to track down." - Chief Eagle-Eye Amanda, surrounded by several Indian scouts, glares at Jake who admires this buck-skinned squaw.
"Poor Jake, he doesn't deserve this." - Alison to Jo as Jake is ambushed by an imaginary band of Indians and falls to the ground with imaginary arrows in him...
"There you are." "Ya. Here I am." - Kimberly to Michael. No one ever accused the Melrose Place writers of letting a perfectly good dialogue structure go to waste...
"What do you say we open a joint account with this money?" - Kimberly slides the blade between Michael's ribs and gives it an extra twist.
Melrose Place Update is an all-digital production.
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