Welcome to the Melrose Place Update! As we've demonstrated time and time again, no one cares more about quality than the Melrose Place Update--which is why I'm pleased to tell you about freshness dating for the Update. It means every single Melrose Place Update will have a date printed right on the email, a date that guarantees you'll be enjoying the great Update analysis you love at the absolute peak of freshness. So, read for yourself. Freshness dating from the Melrose Place Update. It'll change the way you look at television commentary!
Last week, I found myself racing to catch a ferry. There was no need to speed for the ferry schedule ensures a new boat every thirty minutes. With the exception of custom-crafted eyeglasses and fresh coffee at McDonalds, life rarely has such hellish predictability. But the radio was on, and with it a song I knew from so long ago. I glanced down at the speedometer and found it throbbing past 145 kph (certainly no cause for alarm) and realised I was not in a movie. There was no accompanying soundtrack. No vigorous bass track followed my invisible pursuer. No helicopter hovered over my shoulder, pulling back from a tight zoom like they do in commercials.
I slowed down and dropped into reality beside a Lincoln Continental with Purple Heart plates. The driver gave me a "I took a bullet for you?!" glare. His wife, resplendent in a muumuu of apocalyptic design, volunteered her disdain over the top of a "Weekly World News". Then another song came on. I couldn't resist and stepped into the time machine once more.
"Listen. Do you want to know a secret? Move with me inside the strange world of the 12-inch. Where nothing is as it seems, where everything has its place, and there's a place for everything. And anything can happen... Let me take you on a tour of the 12-inch. Using this special extension of 'Rage Hard' as our example. We have begun."The first music I ever bought was a cassette remix single of "Relax" by Frankie Goes To Hollywood. "The New York Mix" it said on the label, "Frankie's First 12-Inches". I played the tape continuously until the driving bass became a part of me, until I could close my eyes and roar around the track, along the undulating synth and down the cascading riffs. I played the tape so many times, it finally collapsed from exhaustion. Alas, I had only started.
- Narration from "Rage Hard", 12-inch "Slam Bam" mix, produced by Trevor Horn and Stephen Lipson. Taken from the Frankie Goes To Hollywood CDEP "Rage Hard", ZTT Records / Island Records, 1989.
The idea of a remix is to take an ordinary single and stretch it, bend it, fold it back upon itself, twang it here and strum it there. The idea is to forge a unique creation, an idol wrought in the image of the original. Like Amanda's hair, the roots are visible, but the end effect is stunning. The remix is a Caesarean section, a violent wresting of the single's child from her. The birth. The scream. The beat. In the remix, the audience sits back to enjoy the show. Here the producer moves his hands over the barren wasteland to wrap the soul with a new thought. In the beginning, the single was without form and void. Then it dressed itself and went dancing.
At Melrose Place, Sydney is back to hooking, selling her soul and her pride to the devil to stay alive. I like Sydney without knowing exactly why. Of all the Melrose Place characters, Sydney is the only one I could picture myself driving with across America. She may be totally screwed-up, but I suspect that away from L.A., perhaps just outside Bakersfield or maybe near Joshua Tree, Sydney would be completely normal. Perhaps even fascinating. I've met a few Sydneys and they are all the same. Confused. Confusing. Always bored but never boring. Dancing to a different beat.
Kimberly is back. She was dead but now lives, walking among her friends as though nothing ever happened, her stigmata and motives unseen lest anyone question her resurrection. She lives at the beach house with Michael. One big happy family. Sure she has no hair. And that gash in the side of her head is not from a tragic boomerang accident. But she is back and everything is almost the same. Cue chorus. Everything has its place; haven't we been here before?
The Update itself is a remix; a guided tour through some neighbourhoods you recognise and hopefully some you have never seen before. Very little of the information we deal with each day is different or new, it is just repackaged. My dream Update would contain all of the references in entirety. You could ride along in the bouncing little Update tour bus peering out the dusty windows at strange historical events or ponder the majesty of a McLuhan quote in its natural habitat. "Ladies and gentlemen; welcome to the Melrose Place Update", I would announce over the scratchy P.A. system from the front of the bus. "Let me take you on a tour of the 12-inch..."
It is too bad Melrose Place does not make a greater use of music than it does. Certainly the foley artists mastered the "Eric Clapton Locked In Melrose's Basement" mournful riff ages ago. Yet beyond the concept of music as transition indicator, Melrose is a silent tomb. For a television show that aspires to reflect and define a generation, the silence is painfully loud. Alas, there already was a Beat generation. It is ironic that Generation X was a band first and a cultural moniker second.
Does a silent Melrose make sense in a world where music and television are indistinguishable? Where the two in some unholy union claim to speak for all of us even as they sell us? Does this make sense in a culture where existence rolls by in third-person? Where life takes on an otherworldly essence, placing the viewer in but not of the action? Does this make sense to a generation that sees Walter Mitty as a producer, orchestrating rather than participating in events? Where dreams become relations and actions instead of objects?
When I was very young, I would go dancing. I cannot really dance. I cannot sing or play an instrument. But in the pounding darkness I could shut my eyes to visual stress and let the rhythm dance in me. I could relish raw sound in an era when performing music without electricity is something of wonder. The imprinting effect is astounding, manipulating moods and memories with a single song. Perhaps it is because music defines so much of contemporary reality that it becomes a surrogate for reality. Change the tune, change the reality.
"Rhythm is both the song's manacle and its demonic charge. It is the original breath. It is the whisper of unremitting demand. 'What do you still want of me?', says the singer. 'What do you think you can still draw from my lips?' Exact presence that no fantasy can represent, purveyor of the oldest secret, alive with the blood that boils again and is pulsing where the rhythm is torn apart. How your singer's blood is incensed at the depth of sound. Lacerations echo in the mouth's open, erotic sky where dance together the lost frenzies of rhythm and an imploring immobility."Ronald Reagan and Aaron Spelling and Trevor Horn mastered the art of remixing their particular field, blending past with presence to create a perfect environment. An environment where it's okay to close your eyes and forget. To a jaded generation conceived under the watchful glow of late-night television it comes as no surprise. Just don't take away the beat.
- I. Penman (Paul Morley?), "The Annihilation of Rhythm". Read on Grace Jones' "Slave to the Rhythm" by Grace Jones. Produced by Trevor Horn. Island Records, 1987.
Ex cathedra,
- ian
Episode Title: "Imperfect Strangers" First Broadcast: May 4, 1994
Alison is pumped. Just when she though her career was doomed to putt along like a retiree on vacation, Amanda asks her for help. Alison is very busy, and Amanda suggests they hire another person to help with the workload. Generously, Amanda also offers to keep Alison in the "Candidate Selection Loop", also known as the "Human Resources Noose".
Amanda toots off to see her mother, leaving Alison cheerfully gnawing on the piece of Self-Empowerment Gristle Amanda tossed her. Mom bails on Amanda, but not before pointing out that Chas has a marketing degree and would do great in the open position. Faster than Jake can look up "nepotism" in his picture dictionary, Amanda hires Chas. Of course, Alison is not in on the decision which calls for an immediate use of Chipmunk Cheeks to express her disdain. Chas stands behind Amanda and leers his own Puffy Elvis Jowls at Alison.
That evening, as Amanda, Mom and Mr. Potato-Face have a celebration dinner where Chas hits hard on Amanda. When Mother and Daughter get in a tiff, Slug-Boy pours his Oily Self over the conversation vomiting up all manner of mindless psychobabble. In the background, Rodney Kings leaves the restaurant, slouching in resignation.
Amanda is also upset because Jake is not at the dinner. He's out on Das Boat photo-shooting with Jo and the Virginal Vixen O' The Week. Jake being Jake, the boat breaks down, so they spend a romantic evening off the coast of L.A. watching the smog dissipate and listening to drug-smugglers sneak around the bay. Sarah lets on that her boyfriend is a little rough while Jo and Jake exchange Meaningful Glances.
Here the story gets complex so we switch to RapidFire mode. Amanda yells at Jake. Alison yells at Chas. Chas kisses butt and angers Alison. Amanda yells at Jake. Alison whines at Billy. Jo and Sarah talk about how Farmers Make Bad Husbands. Jo is worried. Jake struts. I reach for another bottle of port. Amanda yells at Jake. Jake goes to dinner, leaving Jo and Sarah alone. Everyone gets really tense.
At the Melrose Place General Hospital and Bitch Farm, Sydney and Kimberly face off over Michael. Lizard Lady threatens Syd, who quickly brings up the issue of Just Who Is On The Wedding License With Michael. This goes over like a fart in church with Kimberly who twists Syd's arm and hisses at her. Syd runs outside to discover Michael backing the Mighty Mancini Mustang out of his parking space. She pours her heart out to Mike; how bad Kimberly is, how Kimberly tried to hurt her, etc. Michael reflects on how many times he wanted to do the same to Syd, and drives away, thoughtfully warning Sydney to get her toes out of the way lest he run over them.
At home, Michael spots Kimberly looking out over the ocean, pondering how Mr. Gland could drop her memory so quickly after the accident. As Michael splutters excuses, Kimberly goes on to tell him about her Near Death experience: "White lights everywhere", she says. "Tunnels. Funky music and the overwhelming sensation that I was a First-Century Roman emperor." Pan to Michael, wondering why the encyclopaedia is open to the entry for "Valeria Messalina". The next day at the hospital, Michael is called to an emergency which ends up being Kimberly in bad need of, er, "exploratory surgery". Michael looks perplexed until, seconds later, he is devoured by pushed-up, lace-encrusted, don't-look-too-close-or-you'll-see-the-body-make- up cleavage. Serious students of Melrose Place cultural parallels are advised to compare Michael's expression in this scene with Burke's (Paul Reiser's) expression seconds before the Alien blows him away in "Aliens".
Later that day (and in the same room) Dr. Levin stumbles across Kimberly. This time Michael's Reptilian Inamorata abandons the Victoria's Secret Poster Child look in favour of scrubs and a white lab coat preferred by 4 out of 5 actors impersonating scientists in antihistamine commercials. Levin warns Kimberly that Michael is A Runaway Train but Kimberly assures Levin that she is very much Behind The Wheel. Dr. Levin looks thoughtful, as though he is about to offer Kimberly a box of that new cold medicine that relieves symptoms for six months...
At Melrose, Sydney drops by Jane's to beg for forgiveness. Jane will hear nothing of it, so we get to see a split shot of two sisters crying silently on either side of a closed door. Visual Hallmark Card all the way. Billy drops by D&D to pick up Alison. Alison is really pissed at Chas and goes to complain to Amanda. Wait a second, Amanda is in the conference room with Chas and they're like, kissing! Yeeeuuch! What she sees in Squid-Pants is unknown, however Alison sees both of the them and Chas sees Alison. Fade out with venetian blinds.
Hank shows up at Melrose as well. He's angry about Sarah modelling and starts talking trash about L.A. and Jo and the Dodgers relief pitching. Jo has enough and opens the door to point out that the National League West has pretty lame batting anyhow. Hank, definitely a Twins fan, will have none of that crap and yanks both women out onto the porch. Jo struggles to get free, arcing out in an elegant, slow-motion one-and-a-half off the top step as she does. Fade to black with Jo doing a Sonic the Hedgehog down the stairs...
The eminent British archaeologist, Dr. Flinders Petrie-Dish, was kind enough to wire the Update another scroll transcription from his dig in the Jordanian desert. Dr. Petrie-Dish, accompanied by his faithful assistant Jennings, discovered several scroll fragments last year, buried in catacombs under a centuries-old camel barn in Bag-er-uck-el-Fazzad Ha! The scrolls were written in a hybrid lexicon of First Century (C.E.) Aramaic and traditional Greek, with marginal notes in Latin. Courtesy of Jennings' expert translation skills (alas, his English is a bit antiquated), Melrose Place Update readers have enjoyed several previous fragments. Dr. Petrie-Dish believes that the stories contained in the scrolls describe an ancient civilisation that developed around the camel barn.
1 And it came to pass in the Second Year of the Reign of He Who Wavers Like A Reed In The Wind that a great storm didst assail The Place and all who dwelt within her gates.
2 Now, The Place was known throughout the land as a Holy Place, the most Holy of all Places for The Place was its name and Holy was this Place.
3 These are the generations of The Place. In the beginning was there Aaron the Speller who begat Merr-ill the Seaman who begat Roarke the Purveyor of All that is Fantastic and Wonderful who begat Blaake the Dynastic who begat Brandun the Sideburned who begat Bil-Baruk the Quill who didst know a certain healer named Mic-a-hel.
4 And it came to pass that Mic-a-hel the Healer sitteth in his tent when a great storm arose and descendeth on he and all within his household.
5 And Mic-a-hel the Healer grew fearful for the storm was great and he had known a harlot and invited her into his house whenceforth she sought to undo he and his household as she sought to undo his robe.
6 For the whorish woman hadst plotteth to seduce him with perfumes and fine linen and wonderful things which lifted yet as they didst separate much as the Hills of Medea towered unto the sky, yet were drawn apart by a great rift.
7 And he had supped at her table till he could partake of no more nattering for the woman was as a child and her mouth ran as the Spring of Jere-He-Boam.
8 Now Mic-a-hel the Healer knew the words of the Lord which were shewn unto him as a boy, saying,
9 Verily, thou shalt not know thee a harlot, neither shalt thou casteth thy gaze unto her adornments and golden desires, neither shalt thou goest unto her house or her bed lest thou fall in a moment of weakness and betray the Lord thy God who is easily- angered and quick to judge thine spotty existence.
10 For much as the worm which lyeth under the ox's hoof returneth to the soil in torment, so too shalt thou fall to the ground of thy fathers and thine forefathers under the Lord's anger and indifferent persecution, crying out for justice as a man lost in the desert cryeth out for water; fain that thou shalt findest any relief.
11 And in a quiet moment, Mic-a-hel looketh into the storm and didst see a messenger from the Lord and was filled with fear for he knew of his sin and couldst not blot it from the vindictive eyes of the Lord.
12 And the messenger spoke, saying,
13 Lo, it is I, Akeem-ber-Lie who thou thinkest was dead after thou didst fill thine belly with wine and driveth thine ass too close to the cliff.
14 And Mic-a-hel, seeing that it was truly the woman whom he had left for dead, cryeth out unto the storm,
15 Oh Lord, thou hast returnest the virgin Akeem-ber-Lie unto me! Praise be unto thee oh Lord, for thou has heard mine prayer and mine earnest supplication and mine offerings and seen fit to restore the Blessed Maiden unto me and my house.
16 For I didst thinketh the woman was dead, and was filled with grief, lo, even unto the ends of solacing myself with a wanton woman.
17 Praise be on to thee, Oh Lord!
18 Verily the Lord didst look down from on High where he striketh belligerent peoples and their households with pussy sores or noisome pestilence should they irritate him as a gnat irritateth a labourer's eye in summer.
19 And the Lord said, Verily, craven dewberry who callest himself Mic-a-hel the Healer, thou art but an artless, pottle-deep codpiece for knowest thou not that the man who rejoiceth in the morning over that which was dead being alive is like a fountain which runneth over with foul water?
20 Thou has blasphemed Me long enough for though thou rejoiceth today over she who once was dead, thou shalt in short day smote thine breast and call unto heaven for thine own death for she shall do unto thee great manner of hellish thing.
21 And the Lord didst settle Himself down upon His bed and fetching wine and all manner of tasty creation didst arrangeth the pillows thereof for the woman's fury promised to be an affair of great interest.
22 And lo, it was good.
"My personal life may suck, but I still have my career." - Sydney lets everyone at Melrose Place know she grew up during Reagan's presidency. Who cares about life so long as the mall is still open?
1) Hawk-eared Update reader Eric wrote in to note that Amanda's complaint this week (and last week as well) that her mother left when Amanda was but a wee lass of 12-years doesn't mesh with the 8-year-old abandoned girl Amanda tearfully described to Jake earlier this season. The Melrose Place Update research team looked into the problem and can only suggest some bizarre relativistic effect as an explanation.
2) While looking for Michael, Sydney fights with Kimberly who appears to be hard at work. After the fight, Sydney discovers Michael outside, preparing to drive home. Yet when Michael gets home, Kimberly is already in the beach house, looking out over the ocean. How did she get home so fast? Does Michael have *another* clutch on the side, or has Kimberly been hanging around with a guy named Oscar Goldman since her "fatal" accident? Hmmmm...
3) When Michael walks into his beach house, he sees Kimberly out front, leaning against the railing and staring out at the sea. In the next shot, he slinks up behind her, but she's standing at least five feet away from the railing. Hmmm: no hair, back from the dead, big scar *and* the ability to teleport...
4) Hank had some snazzy duds for a hayseed farmer from Sioux City who hates L.A. He must shop at the downtown Sioux City "Gap Tack" store. (I'm a dead man if any of the Update subscribers are from Sioux City...)
"The question is: how can we keep up?" - Amanda ponders hiring a pallet of talent-whore temporaries to bail D&D Advertising out of its recent "downsizing" fiasco.
- Sydney to Kimberly. Look Syd: the chick came back from the dead, she has no hair and there's a scar on her head big enough to throw a cat through. What more do you need?
"I'd love to be in on the process. Thanks Amanda!" - Alison, her brain still at the dry cleaners, feels empowered by a management style designed to proactively leverage employee mindshare and utilise existing workgroup skill sets to define mission-critical enterprise strategy statements.
"He's from Sioux City." - Sarah tells Jo about Hank.
"The best index to a person's character is (a) how he treats people who can't do him any good, and (b) how he treats people who can't fight back." - Abigail Van Buren (Dear Abby), from her syndicated newspaper column, 16 May, 1974.
"Did he [Hank] hit you?" "Yes." - Exchange between Jo and Sarah. The world is a circular place: Dear Abby was born in Sioux City...
"I don't give a damn." - Sydney decides to grow a moustache.
"I hear he's making more money than I am..." - Alison skips the Agony column and jumps straight to the "12 Workplace Lies Greedy White Patrician Males Want You To Believe" article.
"I love L.A. when the air gets like this." - Jo sighs wistfully at the sunset as Jake frantically looks around for a dog to blame.
"What're you doing out here in the dark?" - Michael to Kimberly. You would think that by now Michael could understand the direct correlation between not paying the electric bill and the lights not working...
"Did something happen?" - Jake suggests another question most guys don't want to hear on a first date.
"Where does one go from a world of insanity? Somewhere on the other side of despair." - Harry, Lord Monchensey, in "The Family Reunion", by T. S. Eliot. Pt. 2, sc. 2.
"I've been to the Other Side. I've been to Hell and back." - Kimberly tells Michael about the lonely moment in her hospital room when she turned the TV on and Bob Saget was on every channel...
"The party must go on." - Hillary updates the phrase for Melrose Place.
"We haven't even... You know: done it yet..." - Sarah blindly stumbles on the secret to her modelling success: Sixteen-years-old or younger, zero body fat, and a face that screams young lust. And I wonder why Dr. Ferreud hangs around Miss Tjing?!
"Ah, young suppressed lust!" - Jo, hapless romantic, fails to notice the bruises on Sarah's neck. Lust, maybe, but hardly suppressed.
"They're sending reinforcements..." - Amanda reveals herself as the previously unknown "Supreme Counsellor" masterminding the plot to take over Earth for the Lizard People.
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