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Clipping pictures and notes from the newspaper is a wonderful, low-tech pastime. Many years ago, my mother showed me her pride and joy: a scrapbook of Queen Elizabeth's coronation she put together with my older brother. The pages were yellow and crinkled, the folds honed razor sharp after years of perching on that dusty shelf. The Queen Mother stared sadly from the background, grieving her dead husband. Elizabeth II sat on the throne as a phoenix heralding a New Era of Peace and Prosperity, gazing sombrely at the ashes of a faded empire blown about by change.
"For long you live and high you flyI thought of that scrapbook as I clipped a picture from a newspaper in another world. The Seattle Times rarely breaks much more than the backs of sleepy ten-year-olds, and clearly relished its recent role as primary dirge for (as they put it) "the death of grunge rock's soul". The front page photo of Kurt Cobain's right leg, sprawled on the floor of his house with the rest of his body hid tastefully behind a window frame was, if nothing else, stark. A confusing picture: dead, but doomed to always live.
But only if you ride the tide
And balanced on the biggest wave
You race toward an early grave."
- Pink Floyd, "Breathe in the Air" from the compact disc "The Dark Side of the Moon", EMI / Harvest Records, 1973.
Many hours of postulating, prognosticating and pondering later, very little changed. Everyone took what they wanted from the event and moved on. The media have their Modern Morrison; a Christ-figure for the sins of Generation X who will no doubt sell many compact discs for The Company. The G.I. Generation tut-tuts about the druggies and the losers; the shaggy-haired ne'er-do-wells who wouldn't know an honest day's work if it kicked them in the ass. The Boomers have their connection, a point they can look at and say knowingly, "Ah yes, the tortured rock hero who kills himself. You know, our generation started it all..." The high-school students have their own guns, for their own troubles in their own world. And I, well; I have a picture.
"When we suffer anguish we return to early childhood because that is the period in which we first learnt to suffer the experience of total loss. It was more than that. It was the period in which we suffered more total losses than in all the rest of our life put together."I have another picture clipped from the Seattle Times. An old Bosnian man sits crumpled by the grave of his son, his face the most tortured image of grief I have ever seen. It is also confusing for though he is alive, he is dead inside. I was immediately depressed, not because of the man's grief slicing through my soul, but rather the distinct sensation of orchestration, the suspicion of manipulation in a picture seen one-too-many-times. It was Korea and Vietnam and Somalia and Beirut and the Falklands and countless other events tied up into a too-neat, too-succinct, too-clean package. I heard a tune I had heard before.
- John Berger, British author and critic in "A Fortunate Man", page 122, 1967.
I rarely think about death. This is not due to some inherent peace with myself or my environment; it is not due to some profound religious conviction or internal strength. More likely it is an act of cowardice on my part. Yet death is a jarring thrust of violence within Melrose Place, which normally exudes happiness and sunshine albeit with a thin veneer of bitchiness. Keith died from a self-inflicted gunshot to the head. Reid died from a shotgun blast to the chest. Heady stuff for a show filled with fluff.
Both Keith and Reid died because their situations grew too powerful, too controlling for them. In the end, they had no alternatives or choices. Like the boa constrictor in the timeless morality play growing stronger by the day until it crushes its owner to death, the final exit at Melrose is a tantalisingly slow constriction of events until the character yields to Fate and expires. Yet in death, both Keith and Reid achieved mythical stature in the Melrose canon.
"Some rainy winter Sundays when there's a little boredom, you should always carry a gun. Not to shoot yourself, but to know exactly that you're always making a choice."In a way, we all, if you'll pardon an unfortunate comparison, search for that particular nirvana. We all commit social suicide. We all reach a point when the electric speed-up is too fast, the blinding pain sears our eyes and our heads are ready to explode. So we step off the ride to take our place in line and say goodbye to it all. No thanks Jack, we'll stay right here 'till we die. Lost America lives in this nirvana, the "glory" days of youth hidden behind the misty curtain.
- Lina Wertmuller.
Ronald Reagan parlayed his ability to make people forget about the present while feeling good about the past into eight years at the helm of America. Reagan, for all his other points, convinced an entire nation to commit social suicide, to take one final fling around the carousel, searching for the brass ring. In the end, we learned it was never there, but it was quite a ride while it lasted.
"The lunatic is in the hallAt the recent Academy Awards, Deborah Kerr was given a lifetime achievement award. I held my breath as the ancient woman tottered slowly up to the podium, gazing around in barely-concealed confusion. I felt a tightening of nervousness as I silently wished her to accept the award and leave; to not make a fool of herself and leave me at peace with the memories I have of a younger woman from a different age. An ageless woman. I wanted to believe the lie, to freeze her in the past and forget about the present.
The lunatics are in my hall
The paper holds their folded faces to the floor
And every day the paper boy brings more."
- Pink Floyd, "Brain Damage" from the compact disc "The Dark Side of the Moon", EMI / Harvest Records, 1973.
I still don't know what to feel about the Kurt Cobains and Reid Carters and Keith Greys of this world, whether their actions deserve respect, pity, apathy or tears. I do know no one will worry about them, mounting some towering podium in the distant future. No one will wish them away for they will forever be just a memory. They will always be young and full of promise and potential and what ifs. They will never be wrinkled and rickety and short of breath.
The background picture on my home computer shows Frank and Joe Hardy talking to Chief Collig. The picture comes from the original Hardy Boys Detective Manual. Frank and Joe died over sixty years ago so I could sit here and wonder what a house on Elm Street is really like; what it is like to walk places without having people stare at you like you are insane; what it is like to pack a lunch and roar about town in your convertible roadster. Perhaps, in another sixty years, someone will wonder what a house on Melrose Avenue is really like.
Ex cathedra,
- ian
Episode Title: "The Bitch is Back" First Broadcast: April 27, 1994
Good golly! Just when you think it is safe to wander out for a little midnight snack in the kitchen, (during the mandatory Gothic thunderstorm, mind you); pow! Psycho-Chicks who Should Be Dead start hanging around the garburetor to scare a poor guy witless.
For those of you caught napping during the episode, Kimberly is back from the dead, and to complete her messianic journey, presents herself to her One True Disciple of Love during the aforementioned tempest. I felt a cold chill run down my spine as Kimberly appeared, Christlike by the table where the Clinical Lovebirds had their Penultimate Supper. I waited for the inevitable screen full of static. It never came.
Oddly-enough Kimberly is unfazed by Michael's marriage to Sydney, coldly pointing out that they will "just have to take care of it." Obviously Kimberly was wrung through the Melrose Place Cast Member Transmogrifier while she was in a coma, emerging as Queen Bitch. Michael however, ever one to savour revenge as a ripe pear, titters on home to take a deep bite out of Sydney's already fragile self-esteem and spit it halfway across the house. He orders Sydney out and demands a divorce. Syd whips out her Vice Grips of Blackmail and hauls Officer Friendly to the hospital, confronting Michael and Matt, the Token Appearance Poster Child for this season. But wait, just when Syd starts squeeeeeeeezing Michael, Kimberly appears out of nowhere to a chorus of Don Knott's "Look of Shock and Horror" from the assembled cast members. Damnation! And just in the nick of time, too! (If you look closely in this scene, you can see Boris Badenov muttering in the background.)
Michael and Kimberly steal away from the hospital for a romantic dinner where Kimberly complains of a bad headache. For really bad headaches, Doctor Mancini recommends: Sex! Throwing the cliche book away, they whip back to the beach house for several Hours O' Passionate Lovemaking. Kimberly has yet another headache, and skulks off to the bathroom where she proceeds to remove her wig! Omigod! It isn't Kimberly; Michael's sleeping with Susan Powter!!! No wait, check out that gargantuan scar running down the side of her head. Yeesh! Cut to massive flashbacks of the Star Trek episode where a bunch of gorgeous women in short skirts steal Mr. Spock's brain. Maybe this explains what happened to Jake...
Billy and Alison whine and dine their way through a cliched plot with the Wedding Organiser from Hell who looks suspiciously like Nancy Kerrigan, complete with an absolute lack of personality. Billy practises the "puffy and ineffectual" look. Alison puffs her chipmunk cheeks and works on sounding hoarse. Oh, and they had sex two times, but it was all very suburban and boring. It gets boring when you have a two-stroke love life in a riding mower neighbourhood.
Jo stumbles across a 12-year-old, bulimic sex kitten named Sarah Owens at her D&D photo shoot. Sarah has everything Hollywood could tell a girl she wants to have, and Jo senses this Little Kitten has all her mittens on a primo modelling career. Alas, Sarah works for Models, Inc. and when Amanda finds this out, she goes ballistic. Evidently, Miss Woodward has a bitch on her shoulder about Models, Inc. (she probably remembers what a terrible show it was back in the summer of 1994) and immediately fires Sarah. Cut to lame Jefferson Starship video...
To make a long story short, Models Inc. is owned by Amanda's mother, Hillary Michaels, who is anxious to get back with her She-Devil Daughter. Amanda, playing the Cold Fish, refuses to take the bait and the agency, only to land in hot water back at D&D. Mom appeals to Jake. Jake and Amanda fight. Amanda and Mom fight. Mom's boyfriend, Chas, hits on Amanda. Jake and Chas fight. It almost made me yearn for the good ol' days of WWF...
Hello once again! I was fortunate this week to return to the United States and my little cottage on the water, and even more fortunate to convince the statuesque Miss Koo Tjing to accompany me back home for a short visit. Miss Tjing is still a bit upset over her first-runner-up finish at the Miss Southeast Asia beauty pageant, but I maintain that the winner cheated during the swimsuit contest by exposing much more than her simple desire to win. It was regrettable, however Miss Tjing's unexpected prowess in psychoanalytic procedure was a fantastic blessing, and with her assistance I was able to complete my research proposal, "The Beauty Pageant in Asian Popular Media: A Western Opiate for an Eastern Angst" in record time.
Our trip back to the United States was uneventful, save for the obnoxious young men who kept wandering by our seats snapping pictures of us. I realise that my books are experiencing a popular revival of sorts, however, such action seems rather frivolous. Fortunately the flight steward invited Miss Tjing to visit the plane's cockpit, and the young men were only too glad to heed my request that they leave me alone; I think they followed Miss Tjing, poor girl. We arrived at my cottage just in time to watch this week's episode of Melrose Place.
Miss Tjing had never seen Melrose Place before, so as she slipped into her silk lounging suit, I whipped up a roaring fire and opened a bottle of Whidbey's Port, all the while explaining the show.
Miss Tjing was comfortable with my interpretation of Jake Hanson as Everyman; the lone Pilgrim making his spotty progress through life. Jo Reynolds as the Modern Everywoman also met with little argument. We discussed Billy's representation of Innocence for some time; Miss Tjing argued that if Alison truly represents Success, then there is no possible way Innocence could remain with her. I agreed, and pointed out that Success abandons Innocence whenever he threatens Success. Success, however, retains a slight element of Insecurity, which Innocence allays. As such, they are bound together, but doomed to ever bicker and break up.
Michael as Tradition was another difficult pill for Miss Tjing. Her simplistic view of Tradition held that he should remain introspective and quiet rather than power-hungry and devious. I pointed out how in the episode Michael / Tradition's internal torment over his unspoken realisation that Kimberly (or Ambition) has returned from the dead is manifested through the visual imagery of lightening. The mythical inferences are obvious: Michael as Tradition epitomises the traditional image of Zeus, the supreme god of the Greek Pantheon, forever cheating on his wife with countless lovers while trying to hide the affairs. With Tradition again linked with Ambition, the plot potential is limitless.
It took less than a minute for Miss Tjing to correctly identify Amanda as Temptation. Miss Tjing observed that Temptation's mother could only be Greed. Everyman cannot pull his eyes from Temptation, despite his valiant efforts to the contrary. Everyman's close friendship with Innocence, previously strained because of Innocence's inability to repel Temptation, works against him; Everyman's innocent belief that Temptation can be reconciled with Greed is ultimately doomed to failure. Miss Tjing also pegged Sydney as Immaturity and eagerly examined my notes on the interrelationship between Tradition, Ambition and Immaturity.
Matt, of course, is Conscience; the episode practically said as much, confirming my observations from last season. Tradition's appeal to Conscience represents the last shred of humanity left within Tradition. Melrose Place being, well, Melrose Place, Conscience has a very small role to play here. It is a dreadful pity.
Alas, by this point in our analysis, Miss Tjing was quite tired, and she started to make soft purring sounds in my ear that I think indicate she is ready to sleep. I escorted her to the room and allowed her to prepare for bed while I tidied up my remarks.
My good colleague Dr. Flinders Petrie-Dish cabled me while I was on my Southeast Asian tour. He reports that his faithful assistant Jennings just completed translating a new batch of stone tablets discovered during their archaeological explorations at "The Place". This would explain the small crate on my doorstep. If all goes well, we shall hopefully have a report from Dr. Petrie-Dish next week. My, my; it appears that Miss Tjing is done. Until next time!
Thanks to some generous comments in the April 26th "Village Voice" and the April 15th "Orange County Register", Update membership has soared to over 1100 readers world- wide. At last count, the list goes out to sites in North America, Europe, Asia and Australia. As always, we appreciate your support!
"It's nice to see you again, Michael..." - Kimberly crosses over from The Other Side for Her Man. Talk about tunnel vision...
"It looks like a storm is coming in..." - Amanda gets that ol' twitch in her rheumatism and reckons itsa gonna rain. Best be gettin' the cattle into the barn, Ned...
1) Alison's parents are paying for a Beverley Hills wedding organiser, yet last season they were too poor to pay for Alison's life-saving operation? What did they do: join Amway? Kudos to eagle-eyed David at Duke University for staying awake long enough during Alison's dialogue to notice this.
2) When Michael wakes up the next morning after Kimberly drops by, his face is glassy smooth. I'm no where near Grizzly Adams, but when I wake up in the morning, there's this thing called "facial hair" that magically appeared on my face overnight. Maybe Michael rubs Nair on his cheeks before beddy-bye?
3) When did Jake learn how to cook? This man screws up Pop-Tarts and they would have us believe he was "marinating a steak"? Can he *spell* "marinating"?!
4) Kimberly managed to keep her wig on through that entire episode of Steaming Hot Mancini Sex without him noticing? Uh-huh. Look for the cameo by Eva Gabor next week...
5) Amanda has a half-brother named David. Evidently he is younger than her since the exchange between Amanda and her mother implies David came along after Hillary left Amanda and Palmer. It also implies David is Hillary's own child since Amanda emphasises that David is her "half- brother". But, if Hillary left only 20 years ago, that means David is, at the most, 19 or 20. Hmmm... Maybe he can get a job on 90210?
"I thought you wanted to wait until we were married?" - Billy wonders why Alison is starting to bitch and whine at him already. Heh, heh; just wait until it gets closer to the wedding.
"When I'm happy; you're happy." - Alison lays down the law with Billy and his best friend; Mr. Happy. It's all downhill from here...
"Why am I so determined to put the shoulder where it belongs? Women have very round shoulders that push forward slightly; this touches me and I say: 'One must not hide that!' Then someone tells you: 'The shoulder is on the back.' I've never seen women with shoulders on their backs." - Coco Chanel. Quoted in Marcel Haedrich's, "Coco Chanel: Her Life, Her Secrets," ch. 21 (1971).
"You wanna touch me?" - Kimberly to Michael.
"Among all the modernised aspects of the most luxurious of industries, the model, a vestige of voluptuous barbarianism, is like some plunder-laden prey. She is the object of unbridled regard, a living bait, the passive realisation of an ideal.... No other female occupation contains such potent impulses to moral disintegration as this one, applying as it does the outward signs of riches to a poor and beautiful girl." - Colette. Models from "Vogue" (1925). Colette is obviously prophesying about women who date / marry Michael Mancini...
"I came back for you." - Kimberly to Michael, in a bizarre twist on "Heaven Can Wait". It would have been much more entertaining if they had sent Warren Beatty back after Michael...
"If I'da known, I'da been there for you." - Michael to Kimberly. These two together will be much greater than the two of them apart which only leaves me with the question of what the hell is "Rolfing" and why do I have a sneaking suspicion they've already done it together? (But they're still virgins!)
"Everyone can err, but Stalin considered that he never erred, that he was always right. He never acknowledged to anyone that he made any mistake, large or small, despite the fact that he made not a few mistakes in the matter of theory and in his practical activity." - Nikita Khrushchev, Soviet premier, in a speech delivered February 1956, to the 20th Congress of the Soviet Communist Party. [Quote from "Stalin", pt. 2, ch. 6, edited by T. H. Rigby, 1966].
"Kimberly, I made mistakes and I'm sorry." - Michael quits stalling and apologises to Kimberly. I guess Michael wasn't born in Georgia...
"Germany will either be a world power or will not be at all." - Adolf Hitler. "Mein Kampf," volume 2, chapter 14. 1925.
"Beautiful day, isn't it? I feel like I could take over the world!" - Michael Mancini steps out of Der Mancini Bunker and thoughtfully rubs Der Moustache.
"The world's anguish is caused by people between twenty and forty." - William Faulkner, U.S. novelist. Quote taken from his interview in "Writers at Work" (First Series), edited by Malcolm Cowley, 1958. If I didn't know better, I would suggest William Faulkner was a big fan of Melrose Place. Either that or he writes for "Time".
"I married Sydney; the way it happened was complicated." - Michael tries to tell Kimberly how he popped a tart.
"I thought she was going to throw up when you walked in." - Michael to Jake, who is towelling off the teriyaki sauce.
"Stand by the Jams." - The KLF, with special guest Tammy Wynette, from the compact disc EP "Justified and Ancient", Arista Records, 07822-12403-2. 1992.
"Jake's right, Chas." - Hillary and Amanda pronounce Jake the winner. Chas is now the Dumbest Person in the World. Needless to say, he is very proud of the title...
"This is so bizarre." - Sydney, as always, is the only one who really understands Melrose Place...
(c) 1994 Ian Ferrell. The Melrose Place Update is published weekly and distributed via electronic mail and the Graces of Internet. Each article contains a summary of that week's Melrose Place episode with analysis and commentary.
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