Welcome to the Melrose Place Update! To you, the Melrose Place Update may not look more aerodynamic than a Porsche 928. [Splat!] Then again, you are not a bug. The Melrose Place Update: the last thing to go through your mind...
I normally introduce each Update with a short blurb on technology and Melrose Place, a lookabout to see what's up and what's out. While I have been accused at times of being anti-Melrose Place, I actually find the show enlightening and thought-provoking. The content may not inspire, but the comment should. Melrose Place is a televised peek-a-boo into the mind of one industry, an industry that purports to understand what I and those in my generation are thinking. To those Madison Avenue types who spin the yarns we subscribe to, that peek-a-boo had better not be hide-and- seek.
"The human mind invents its Puss-in-Boots and its coaches that change into pumpkins at midnight because neither the believer nor the atheist is completely satisfied with appearances."Melrose Place The Show is disposable lint from the gold- lined pockets of a very-persistent man (with a very-equine daughter). Melrose Place The Commentary is revealing in what it shows and does not show. It is revealing in what it knows and does not know. In a grand game of social show- and-tell, Melrose Place is the list of questions from "The Russia House". Each of those questions is a shadowed path along the hedgerows, a darkened pool or a shut door. Toward this end, you may argue that any show would suffice, be it "Geraldo" or "Beavis and Butthead"; "Full House" or "NYPD Blue". You can say that, but I couldn't possibly comment.
- Andre Malraux, preface to "Anti-Memoirs", 1967.
"One of the pleasantest things in the world is going a journey; but I like to go by myself."This week I have decided not to include the introduction. I wrote it, read it, and reread it. Rewrote it then read it again. In fact, I agonised for over a week whether to send it. Together, Avril and I wandered up and down the beach. She listened for a while, but the smells were too alluring, the sun was too hot and the temptation of moles in the beach grass proved too great. In the end she bounded off with me in sublime pursuit and that was that. The introduction was cut with nary a drop of blood. Chopped. Sliced and diced.
- William Hazlitt, "Table Talk: On Going a Journey", 1821- 1822.
"The environment as a processor of information is propaganda. Propaganda ends where dialogue beings. You must talk to the media, not to the programmer. To talk to the programmer is like complaining to a hot dog vendor at a ballpark about how badly your favourite team is playing."Technology is many things. It brings us information, vast oceans of information we can wade through and dive into. Each grain of truth, when rubbed against another, reveals a broad expanse of revelation. Inspiration sparkles on the jagged edges of information, edges that cut their way through old perceptions and ideals. Technology is an undying wind blowing over truth, moving one toward another, one from another, endlessly shaping and moving and growing.
- Marshall McLuhan, "The Medium is the Massage", 1967. p142.
But technology cannot rub the grains to shape a message. Technology cannot weave fact and fiction, history and future together into a tapestry of expression. Technology cannot realise or identify or appreciate. It is up to us to recognise and question and search, to steel our resolve. Melrose Place may be a poor flint for the fire, but once lit, all fires are the same.
Apologetically, I leave you with this short excerpt:
"I think we ought to read only the kind of books that wound and stab us.... We need the books that affect us like a disaster, that grieve us deeply, like the death of someone we loved more than ourselves, like being banished into forests far from everyone, like a suicide. A book must be the axe for the frozen sea inside us."Some day we will send this week's original introduction. Perhaps next week, perhaps next year, but not this time. In the end, it all works out for the best. Le coeur a ses raisons que la raison ne connait point...
- Franz Kafka, letter to Oskar Pollak, January 27, 1904.
- ian
Wahoo! Melrose Place transforms into Trauma Central as nearly every cast member experiences Life-Shaping Moments. I half expected to see paramedic gods Gage and DeSoto roar by with the Melrose Place cast on their way to Rampart General Hospital and the ever-open arms of Nurse Dixie McCall. Hit the siren Roy...
Jo and Reed are lovey-dovey until Jo insists on joining Reed for A Trip Out To Sea. Bad choice. Reed's Trip is more of a Fall into Disaster when Jo (literally) stumbles across the Secret Compartment. Reed blows it off as a small cargo hold for valuables, but Jo's suspicions skyrocket when she hears Nefarious Voices and Surly Whispers one night. She gets up to investigate and discovers Reed on deck, watching a boat fade away into the dark.
Reed shoos Jo back inside with a Less-Than-Valid excuse, but she is Not Impressed. Early next morning, while Reed is in the shower, Jo sneaks out to see what he's been messing around with. Quick Jo! Will you keep the boat, your life and your sanity until you sneak back to port, or risk it all for what's behind Trap-Door #1?!?! Ooops! Oh no, it's cocaine and Reed's right behind you pissed as hell! Too bad Jo, you guessed wrong and now have to spend a week in that little cramped hole. No one ever said Reed was understanding...
Billy is still in New York, and learning to Love Life at the magazine. Who cares if he is a pip-squeak junior researcher at a No-Name Rag: he's got himself one Passion Pit of an Apartment. Trouble is, Alison is never home, and when she is, the conversations are Less-Than-Fruitful. The long- distance relationship quickly becomes a cross-country hell.
Enter one Hot Asian Babe named Andrea who sets her sights and hooks on Blissful Billy. Wee Willy is kinda clued in to her machinations, but he's just along for the ride and invites her over to "see the view from his apartment." But wait! Alison is feeling guilty in L.A. and cashes out her life savings to buy a ticket to New York. Andrea is over at Billy's when the doorbell rings. Quick Billy! Will you keep the girl and the apartment or risk it all for what's behind Door #1?!?! Ooops! Oh no, it's Alison and she's pissed as hell! Too bad Billy, you guessed wrong and lose everything! No one ever said Alison was understanding...
Matt and Jeff are in trouble. Matt cannot figure out why Jeff hides his homosexuality from the military (duh!) and badgers him to tell all (on the next Geraldo?!). After much deliberation, soul-searching and maybe three lines of dialogue, Jeff elects to come out to his commander and father and is rewarded with a Less-Than-Sympathetic response.
Jeff despises Matt for a few minutes, during which he alternates between love and hate like the rest of us do. He finally apologises to Matt (an odd point in my book since Matt pushed him to come out) and the guys appear to be Back On Track. But wait, Jeff has a meeting with his commanding officer. Quick Jeff! Will you keep the guy and the cool career bombing people or risk it all for what's behind Door#1?!?!? Ooops! Oh no, it's the commander with transfer orders to the East Coast, and the U.S. Military is pissed as hell!!! Too bad Jeff, you guessed wrong and lose everything including your commission. No one ever said the U.S. military was understanding...
Oh yeah, and there was another storyline with Michael and Sydney. Seems she's on to his blood alcohol "fixing" shenanigans after he mumbles about it in his drug-induced haze. Aside from that brilliant spot of scripting, the story covers her barbed hints to Michael that She Knows All. Major set-up stuff here for an upcoming Michael Gets His Just Rewards episode. Can't wait...
Greetings! My name is Warren Cooper and I manage the Melrose Place Fund, a specialty mutual fund based on the financial indicators of Melrose Place. Some of you may be sceptical in trusting your nest egg to the economic barometer of a television show; to you I humbly suggest comparing historical accomplishments of Fidelity's Magellan Fund against the broadcast period of "Dallas".
As background, I received my MBA in Telecinematic Finance from the Tuck School of Business, and a Doctorate in Creative Economics from the Ronald Reagan School of Supply-Side Theory at Harvard University. My thesis was "Winning One For The Gipper: United States Monetary Policy in the Period 1980-1988". I have long maintained the predictive nature of popular television, and Melrose Place is no exception to my theory.
This week saw several key indicators shift toward growth. Reed's cocaine smuggling seems to suggest growth in the personal defence and public security fields. The continuing urban blight of drugs in our cities certainly casts a foreboding shadow across the future, but in this case we must interpret the story with an eye to another Melrose Place plot: Michael and Sydney. In this plot, Sydney is blackmailing Michael for covering up his drunk driving.
These two stories suggest criticism of the FDA's inability to approve new, foreign drugs quickly for use in America. For many people, lifesaving new drugs backlogged in the FDA approval pile must be smuggled into America. These drugs are often located with the full knowledge and assistance of the patient's physician. I think of several experimental AIDS medications and the French birth-control drug RU-486 in particular.
This plot expresses some concern in the practise, however given Dr. Kessler's pledge to accelerate drug approvals, I see a bull market in foreign drug stocks once this process speeds up. Exposure to the strong American drug market will spell hefty profits for these companies. Take a particularly close look at French biotechnology firms as they tend to deal in practical, general medications instead of focusing on esoteric genetic drugs as the American biotechs have.
Jake and Amanda's disastrous experience investing in Reed's enterprise is a fairly transparent warning to those prone to dicker in biotech stocks. The market is not one for the faint-hearted, and surely not one for the misinformed. Each venture is unique and depends as much on the management and research team as it does on any proposed products. The cautious investor is well-advised to investigate any potential investment thoroughly and be aware that the biotechnology market is prone to rapid and often erratic price fluctuations. Those investors looking for growth with decreased risk are wise to explore any of the higher-rated biotech mutual funds such as Fidalgo's 21st Century Anodyne fund or Campobello's Genetic Soup fund. Both have posted excellent after-tax returns in the past.
Billy's trip to New York following the January earthquake highlights a pending demographic shift. Note that Andrea also is shown to have moved from California back to the East Coast. After decades of growth, Southern California is under intense pressure from economic weakness, public violence concerns and the recent spate of natural disasters. I see Spelling hinting of a future reverse-migration East, particularly in young, urban, high-income consumers who want a pleasant, safe and economical region where they can raise their families.
Expect this shift to boost deflated Eastern real-estate markets and spur consumer spending. Growth, although depicted in the New York metropolitan core in the episode, will probably centre around the burgeoning Southeast technology corridor extending along the Appalachians from Charlotte to Atlanta. My pick? Upscale service industries, recreational stocks such as health clubs, resorts and golf courses, not to mention the time-honoured real estate market should do well in this region.
[Faithful Update reader Melissa in Oregon dropped a line mentioning a potential plot twist where the Melrose Place gang ends up on Gilligan's Island after Reed's boat gets lost in a storm. Never ones to spurn quality suggestions, we whipped up a potential theme song for that moment. Our sincere apologies to Sherwood Schwartz...]
Just sit right back and you'll hear a tale.
A tale of a fateful trip.
That started from this Melrose port,
Aboard Reed's stolen ship.Reed thought that he could smuggle drugs,
The tiny ship was packed.
If not for the courage of Jo's ex-boyfriend
The whole cast could do crack.
[The whole cast could do crack.]
The plot ran aground on a bore of this
Ungodly story line,With Jo the Blind,
The Crack King Reed.
The millionaire witch, and her stud.
The Chipmunk Face,
The Writer and Sydney-Ann,
Here on Melrose Place Isle!
1) In the 2/2/94 episode, Jeffrey's kitchen had white cabinets with clear glass doors. This week, the kitchen cabinets are woodgrain with solid woodgrain doors. Those Sears salesmen can be awfully persuasive...
2) When Reed pushes Jo into The Hole it is much deeper than when we see her reach down into it and pull out the Coke. In fact, The Hole resembles my apartment during college when Jo is inside, but about the size of a mailbox when Jo grabs the Bag o' Pixie Dust. Kudos to Dan, Scott and Melissa for pointing this out. Supreme Melrose Place Goddesses Jennifer and Nancy thoughtfully suggested that Jo spent too much time with the 'shrooms in high school and is now suffering from "Alice in Wonderland" delusions. Very plausible...
3) Melissa also noticed an interesting parallel between Alison's "Excuse me for being an adult" quote and her behaviour several scenes later when she freaks out at Billy's apartment. I think we need to be positive in this scenario and just note that Alison has the perfect mindset to be a television "do as I say, not as I do" evangelist.
4) So why was Matt eating breakfast at Jeffrey's apartment?
5) Reader Bruce called in to point out the overwhelming use of cordless phones on Melrose Place, even inside the D&D Advertising boardroom. At first we thought that might make sense, but given all the nasty computer monitor, network, overhead lights, power, etc radiation, the cordless idea doesn't make sense. Chalk one up to "camera composition", "no dangling phone cords" and one observant Update reader.
6) Greg introduces Billy to Andrea in the "magazine office lobby". Take a close look and you can tell it's the D&D Advertising front desk shot from the right side behind the receptionist, instead of the left side in front of the phone jockey. Greg, girlfriend and Andrea enter from the same "door" Jo wanders in the day Amanda is auditioning Look-a- Like Jake's for the beer ad. Good set recycling.
At last check, Update members span the globe from the U.S., Canada, Australia, Belgium, England, Finland, France, Germany, Japan, Norway and Sweden. We're working on a number of improvements to the list including anonymous FTP and WWW (WorldWideWeb) access to back issues, and *prompt* Update mailings. (Try convincing Dr. Ferreud to respect a deadline... :-)
Thanks to the Herculean efforts of Mr. Douglas Brick at the University of Washington, a WWW site is up and running. Douglas put incredible energy into formatting and linking past Update issues so that they are suitable for browsing. Updates for this season are posted at:
http://www.speakeasy.org/~dbrick/Melrose/melrose.html
In addition, Usenet buffs should check for the alt.tv.melrose- place newsgroup. The content isn't too bad although the flame wars can be a little annoying. I've noticed several Update readers are quite active on the list. The jury is still out whether we will upload the Update to the newsgroup; it is a hefty posting and I can do without clogging my email with 10,000 flames. Stay tuned for more information on the Usenet newsgroup and the FTP archive.
Dr. Ferreud, Dr. Petrie-Dish, Dr. Cooper, myself and the countless other members of the Melrose Place Update Team would like to thank each of you for your interest and support. We enjoy writing the Update, and hope you enjoy reading it. As always, suggestions and comments are appreciated!
"It's still their prerogative." - Jeffrey "Dancin' Fool" Lindley to Matt "The Bodyguard" Fielding.
"Six months ago I was in Hell and look where I am now!" - Reed expresses relief as Jo finds herself in Lucifer's arms...
Billy's new apartment is #1920 in the Alexander Building. Oh, and it has a bitchin' view...
"Do you want some coffee?" - Jo to Reed.
"Want some coffee?" - Jeffrey to Matt.
"Let's go drink too much coffee." - Jo to Reed. This week's episode was sponsored by Maxwell House and the letter "C"...
"Get your ass down here!" - Jake to Reed. Patience was never one of Jake's stronger points.
"I'll try again later." - Billy to the Answering Machine. At the tone, please leave your message...
"Phone tag happens." - Allison. Message erased. Next message...
"There's really only one thing you can do." - Matt to Jeff, arming the warheads and targeting missiles at Clinton's policy.
"I also know how easily a business can fail." - Amanda reflects on Jake's handiness with a welding torch.
"Change the records, Matt." - Michael gets sick of listening to "In The Navy".
"Time out o' mind." - William Shakespeare, "Romeo and Juliet", act 1, scene 4, line 70.
"Was I outta my mind?" - Jeffrey charges toward the windmill.
"This all happened so fast." - Matt glances down at the script to discover his major plot line this season disappearing after two episodes.
"I'm gonna miss you." - Matt waves goodbye to Jeffrey and hello to more no- name existence in the hospital.
"I am forgotten as a dead man out of mind: I am like a broken vessel." - Psalms 31:12. Sydney will keep Matt busy.
"I'm on administrative duty." - Michael to Sydney.
"Don't work too hard..." - Sydney stabs John Calvin and leaves him to die by the Melrose Place front door.
"Why be part of an organisation that wouldn't have you as a member?" - Matt puts on black glasses and grabs a cigar as the Birdie drops down with this week's Secret Word.
"I want someone to know me." - Jeffrey to Matt. And we wonder why "Catcher in the Rye" is banned in the South...
"I didn't come here for an apology." - Jeffrey to Matt.
"Semper in absentes felicior aestus amantes." [Absence makes the heart grow fonder] - Sextus Propertius, Elegies, II, xxxiii, 43
"The old 'absence makes the heart grow fonder' routine." - Amanda Woodward, advertising executive, wise old sage and Latin scholar.
"Is it true that every apartment in the building has a view?" "Mine does." "I'd like to see it sometime..." - Andrea drops the 10,000-pound hint on Billy's, er, other toe. At this point, Billy needs to point out that the sunrise view is much better than the sunset view, and that Andrea is welcome to check out both...
"Sydney's no rocket scientist." - Michael allays Matt's fear. Granted, after that Mars probe deal...
"Can I come in?" "I was on my way out." - Knocked-out exchange between straight up Jake and cold-hearted Jo. It's just the way that he loves her...
(c) 1994 Ian Ferrell. The Melrose Place Update is published weekly and distributed via electronic mail and the Graces of Internet. Each article contains a summary of that week's Melrose Place episode with analysis and commentary.
Melrose Place Update is an all-digital production. There is no hiss. Analogue copies of previous Melrose Place Updates are available.
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