Melrose Place Update (2/2/94)

Introduction:

Welcome to the Melrose Place Update. If you were to line up, end to end, all of the television commentary made in America that explored youth-oriented drama series with an eye toward the media prognostications of Marshall McLuhan, random bits of popular culture and psychosexual imagery, you'd have only one: The Melrose Place Update. Ask your dealer about the Melrose Place Update lease; only $811.69 per month with no money down...

[This week, a guest columnist takes over the Update introduction helm. Mr. Dusty Rittenbach, a good friend of mine from college, dropped by the super-secret Melrose Place Update Laboratory and Chicken Farm. After some arm twisting and extensive smoke torture, he agreed to write the introduction. Mr. Rittenbach has an extensive background in physics, biochemistry, cellos, angst and the writings of Isaac Asimov. I hope you enjoy his unique perspective as much as I do...]

Standing in line at the local supermarket this afternoon, I happened to glance at the nearby TV GUIDE. It featured two blonde beauties wearing black and red (the traditional colours of the "naughty" Valentine, as opposed to white and red, the traditional colours of the "nice" Valentine). Yes, it was those damsels of drama, the Melrose Place Women sharing the cover with Fabio. I found it somewhat interesting, but not necessarily provocative. Buying the much needed Right Guard and razor blades, I went home, took a shower, shaved and hopped into the car to visit my friend Ian. Arriving at his home a mere four hours later, we chatted for a while then went out to Tower Books. Picking up an Architectural Digest, it struck me how much popular architecture and popular television have in common. It's all glitz. By glitz, I mean Hollywood kitsch. Now, this is not to say that Architectural Digest doesn't have some nifty stuff now and again. It does. Often. But not this time. It was tons o' shiny gold stuff, lots of little statues that reminded me too much of my mother's knickknacks strewn about the house, and pseudo-Middle Eastern rugs. All minor variations on a theme.

The TV GUIDE cover was much the same. Amanda and Allison. Both blonde, both white, both dressed to appear cliche sexy (admittedly, an oxymoron). Minor variation on a theme. Fabio was only a slight variation in that he happened to be male. But is this truly surprising? If you have ever visited Southern California, the architecture is something quite astounding in its mediocrity. From a high vantage point, stucco spreads out like the red tide. Condos and duplexes built to all look alike, often not even a variation in colour. Clearly, this allows said domiciles to be built more quickly and less expensively. But variation, much less originality, is seen to be superfluous.

Maybe I am just being naive or picky. Maybe it's because when I went to LA and was house-sitting a condo, I couldn't tell which one I was staying in when I first tried to come home for lunch. I had to drive around the complex for 20 minutes pressing a automatic garage door opener, waiting for a door to open in order to figure out where I was supposed to be. Maybe this doesn't bother most people. Maybe it is something one is expected to accept in the later half of the 20th century.

When I see low glass tables with statues of animals which look like they were made of Silly Putty and put on the rack, ghastly wool rugs, and huge gold picture frames, I am expected to think "elegant interior design." When I see clone cottages and anonymous apartments, I am expected to think "desirable housing," just as I am expected to think "sexy" when I see Amanda and Allison because they are blonde, scantily clad, and giving The Look to the camera. Why not have hardwood floors with the warmth of the wood in some rooms? Why not a paper mache floor lamp in one room, instead of thin-black-tubing-with-a-halogen-bulb floor lamp? Why not admit that not everyone has 100% hardback books and proudly display paperbacks in a bookcase? Why not have a woman that is black and strong (a la Grace Jones) in addition to one that is white and fluffy?

One obvious reason, I suppose, is that it would take more work. More planning, more thinking about what beauty and elegance is and can be. In addition, people are comfortable with stereotypes. They might not accept the "product" if it deviates from what they expect.

I work and take classes in the Portland VA Hospital. It is a fairly new building, having been built in the late eighties. It isn't outstanding, but at least it seems as though an attempt at architecture was made. Occasionally, I have reason to visit Oregon Health Sciences University across the way. Some of the architecture is tolerable there, but other parts of it is the solid-cement-with-the-institutional-green-chipped-paint-no- windows sort. When I am in those halls, I feel like an angry rat in a rigged maze or depressed as Eeyore. In the VA, the halls have big windows every so often, frequently with a view of Mt. Hood, Mt. St. Helens, and/or Mt. Adams. Architecture influences how you feel. Certainly I decide how I react to environmental stimulus. But it is easier to make the healthy (i.e., non-violent) decision if the surroundings are. Please note that I am not claiming that smiley faces should be put up on every corner and the speakers piping "Be happy in your work." I would find such things infuriating. Let's not confuse pleasant with sappy or controlling. Probably US Post Offices may be the best example of the point I am trying to make.

My complaint about architecture is hardly new. Ayn Rand's novel, "The Fountainhead", devotes hundreds of pages on exploring different aspects of this same topic. But, it would seem to me that things are far worse off now than they were in the Forties when Ms. Rand addressed the situation. Roark would not only have to fight the regurgitation of Greek and Roman architecture in so many buildings [Witness McLuhan's commentary on imposing the old media's form on new media; the old becoming the content of the new. - ian], but the idea that architecture is crucial (as opposed to merely building). I realise in this day in age when furniture is no longer hand-crafted except for the elite or by the ambitious but instead produced en mass, variety may be harder to come by. I do not wish to claim variety for variety's sake alone. That may be an acceptable reason for certain artistic aspects, but a building or a room is meant for a specific purpose. I would want a living room to be comfortable, an executive's office to be professional, and a kitchen to be functional. But these goals can be accomplished in many more ways than are currently being employed.

Likewise, MP could show us women and men who were sexy that didn't fit into the Hollywood mould. Tori Spelling ,Ted Koppel, and Sam Donaldson excepted, there aren't many unattractive people on TV, unless they are supposed to be evil or (even worse in Modern Day America) poor. True, if an audience sees a character who doesn't have perfect teeth, isn't tall, and/or thin, they might not immediately think "sexy." The script and acting would have to convince us. Maybe I am just being naive again.

- dusty

This Week's Episode:

The spirit of Thomas J. Watson hung over this week's episode of Melrose Place next to the watchword: "think". Jo thought about life and love while Billy thought about his career and Allison thought about her career. Reid thought about money and sex, Amanda thought about sex with money, Sydney thought about money for sex and Jane thought about looking up sex at the library. Matt thought about guns as Jeff thought about discommendation. As for Jake, well, Jake carried the tools and sneered.

Michael Mancini spent most of his spare time pondering the last days of Elvis during his "Kiss The Bathroom Floor" impersonation. I was all shook up. Mr. Hormone got his balls rolling by harassing Jane on the phone. Jane, discovering that a Backbone does more than keep you from looking like a ferret, calls in the Legal Forces Of Good to slap Michael with a restraining order. (Jane seems to like slapping people.)

Michael finds the whole scenario one big Hoot And Holler, at least until he shows up at Jane's door and she calls John Law. Lucky for Michael, Sydney whisks him up to her apartment just before L.A.'s Finest arrive to Teach The Cur A Lesson. ([Whap!] "I said head on the ground, Mr. Mancini!!") Is it just me, or did Michael forget really fast Who Got Him Into This Mess with Jane?

Either way, Sydney finds out Mike's hooked on pain pills, and helps him scam more from the hospital pharmacy. Later, when she drops by the Beach House, she discovers Michael curled up next to the toilet, in orbit around Rigel 7. (Granted, the toilet was as white as Jane, so I guess his confusion is understandable...)

Matt and Jeff get in a tiff when Matt drops by the Navy Base to see Jeff. Bad move. Jeff freaks out and tells Matt to go to hell. Matt does, but he is so damned pleasant to everyone he gets kicked out and goes back to the hospital. While there, Jeff drops by to apologise and let Matt know that he really cares about him and let's make up. Matt smiles.

Billy and Allison argue over Billy's promotion. Billy wants Allison to pack up and go with him to New Yak, but Allison wants to stay in L.A. She feels a long-distance relationship can work. Billy, completely oblivious to Marshall McLuhan's work, insists that physical separation won't cut it in the modern technological frame, and goes haywire. Fade to black with Billy pouting in a cab and Allison gathering nuts in her cheeks for the winter.

The other major story saw Reid and Jo descend further into the depths of confusion and weirdness. Reid takes Jo out for a boat ride with Amanda and Jake; when he's done, both Jo and Amanda have signed on to give him money. Jake remains sceptical, but he's warming up to Reid. While on the boat, Reid gives Jo a suitcase with "valuable things" he wants her to keep at Melrose Place for him. Of course Pandora, fearing drugs, guns and bombs, opens the case and discovers it is packed with old clothes, pictures and a utility light. Quick! Call the BATF!

Jo apologises all over to Reid for opening the case, and he calms down fairly quickly. (I'm guessing the case was a set- up to get Jo to trust him; he knew she would open it.) They kiss and hug and all is fine, but the story ends with Reid on the phone with "Nick" telling him to "increase the order". Ooh, la la! The suspense...

Dr. Ferreud's Analysis

Tsk, tsk, tsk; the hours tick away as we ponder psychoanalytic philosophy with a warm chalice of port. It is time again to delve into our deepest Anxiety Closet: the Melrose Place Update mailbag. Our question for this week comes from Antonia, who writes from New York City. She asks:

"Dear Dr. Ferreud: What is it with Sydney? Why can't Michael see how bad she is? Does she have some ulterior motive? What does Michael, or even anyone else on the show see in her? Is she a psycho or what? It's like she has this power over guys even though she is not very good-looking! Should I be worried about letting my fiancee watch the show?
Sincerely, Antonia."

Dear Antonia: Gracious me, but have you ever stumbled into an age-hold pit of despair! You are absolutely right with your accusations and concerns; Sydney holds an extraordinary power over men. Physical beauty in this case is inconsequential for she is not human. Sydney is one of the most-powerful Western archetypes: she is The Femme Fatale or Temptress.

You see, Antonia, male figures have dominated Western history through physical force; ancient cultures relied on male physical prowess for food and defence while the women handled the family. The lack of a strong feminist element in defining the society resulted in a culture delimited by male imagery and symbolism. Examine any of our social myths and you will find a prevailing emphasis on male fantasies; manifestations of male dreams and nightmares. These images may be obvious, as in the stress on physical power and success, or they may be latent, as in the fear / attraction to the femme fatale.

Men may have, on general, physical superiority over women (at least for force / violence), but women hold a powerful sexual influence over men; an influence which is (typically) stronger than any physical advantage the male may have. This developed a male resentment which displays itself through misogynist behaviour and archetypal stereotypes such as the Temptress. In today's culture, the emphasis is less on superiority and more on equality, inspiring a modern fear in men: aggressive, predatory and *equal* women.

This image extends back to the dawn of Christian / Hebrew time to the first Temptress, Eve, who instigated the downfall of all Mankind. Eve was the first to fall, and with her, Adam who ate the apple for fear that he would lose her; his sexual desire overpowered rational thought and action. Delilah, by shaving Samson's head (which Sigmund Freud aptly identified as castration imagery) siphoned away his strength; his manhood. Following this, Samson was enslaved, and lived his remaining years bound by those chains he forged with the fire burning in his loins.

Greek mythology presents a pantheon of femme fatales. Circe, whose beauty was unequalled, turned men into swine with her powers. The Sirens, vixens whose songs distracted countless mariners to their deaths upon the rocks, were wily women who knew the power of their attraction. Pandora opened the box from which flew the demons of life; elementary psycho-sexual analysis reveals that the box is a typical image for female sexual power. The Amazons (Greek for "breastless") were powerful warrior women who were physical equals of men yet possessed no maternal weaknesses. Their only loss came at the hands of Achilles, a warrior who had just one, singular weakness, and that due the actions of a woman, his mother. The spiral of strength in all mythological cases descends to a woman who embodies ultimate power and eternal destruction.

Witness the additional imagery in Bram Stoker's "Dracula" where a demonic Lucy Westenra tries to seduce her fiancee, Arthur Holmwood. Her sexual power over him proves irresistible; were it not for Professor Van Helsing, Arthur would have died in her vampiric clutches. Yet throughout the entire episode, Arthur is drawn toward her and cannot withstand her advances. Lucy is the femme fatale, the Temptress who lures sensible men to their deaths by appealing to their one, fatal character flaw.

Modern culture is rife with Temptresses from the INXS song "Suicide Blonde" through Sharon Stone's bisexual goddess, Catherine Tramell, in "Basic Instinct". Oh yes, Antonia, you are right to fear Sydney for she represents a demon that permeates Western civilisation. She may look innocent as a cherubim, but within her demi-cupped breast beats the cold heart of a monarch of hell. You would be wise to urge your fiancee to watch "Home Improvement" where he will find positive male reinforcement archetypes; in Sydney he may very well find his doom.

Stats:

Melrose Place Goes To MTV:

Two avid Melrose Place watchers at Microsoft found themselves with too much time on their hands and penned a madcap ditty in honour of our favourite show. Josh and Mike were kind enough to volunteer the tune to the Update, and gosh darnit, it was just too good to pass up! No word on whether this modern-day Rodgers and Hammerstein plan any follow-up hits; we'll all just have to stay tuned. Enjoy!

Melrose or Nothing:

[Read/Sing--preferably out loud--to the tune "Money for Nothing" by Dire Straits.]

I want my... I want my...

I want my Mel... Rose... Place...

Look at them tenants,
That's the way they do it,
They pay monthly rent checks to Ms. Locklear.

That's no soap opera,
That's the way they're living,
They go down to Shooters to drink some beer.

Now, that ain't no Sure Thing,
Don't know how Jake does it,
Let me tell you, that guy's got pride.
Daphne got no ring on her third finger,
Daddy wants to take him for a ride.

Sidney likes to play with cuffs and toys,
New furniture deliveries.
Matt's got to change those alcohol numbers,
Matt's got a kid going to spelling Bs.

The little whiner with the bad hair and tight skirt,
Ya buddy, Keith's still out there,
The little whiner's got booze on the shelf,
The little whiner scored a millionaire.

Now that ain't acting,
That's the way he does it,
Billy looks confused at the camera.

He's got to start his own big business,
Needs to jump right back on the horse.
Jo's got to give it up more often,
Jo's got to let go of her divorce.

Michael shoulda learned to go to a motel,
Shoulda learned to trim those burns,
Look at that man smilin' on the sofa.
What's that? Sidney's new client,
Whippin' on the vixen like a chimpanzee.

Michael ain't hurt now,
That's the way he works it,
Doctor, sisters and a sponge bath too.

We've got to see Jane in her Silk Stalkings,
Custom lipstick stays on all night.
Mandy's such a great manipulator,
Being on Fall Guy kept her body tight.

I want my... I want my...

I want my Melrose Place.

Problems:

1) When Jake wanders out of his apartment and stops to talk to Billy, he's carrying his tool chest. Problem is, that tool chest is awfully light for something packed full of metal tools. (Trust me, my college roommate had one just like it and we lived on the fourth floor...) Maybe Jake buys his tool boxes at the same place The A-Team bought theirs?

2) I can accept the fact that everyone at Melrose has the same kitchen, even though their apartments are (supposedly) different. Hey, the contractor was bored and bought in bulk... I have a harder time, however, explaining the exact duplication between Jeff's kitchen and the Melrose Place "uni-kitchen". Oh sure, the set designers tried to be clever by changing the kitchen cabinet doors, but they messed up and left the same decorative stripes underneath both sinks...

3) On the "maiden voyage", Reid hands off the wheel to another guy, but I was almost positive Jake was his only employee. Did I miss something?

Melrose Place Legal Update:

Periodically, we slam on the brakes and take a quick look around to see which Melrose Place characters have committed crimes. This week we add Reid, a convicted felon who keeps a shotgun on his boat in violation of federal gun laws, and Jeff, a homosexual Navy officer who despite Clinton's "don't ask, don't tell" policy, is still bound by the military's strict code of honour. [Special thanks to members of the Microsoft Gun Club who clarified Reid's federal firearm violations.]

The "Sashay To The Slammer" this season includes:

Reid's Freudian Slip Line O' the Week:

"It's almost Money for Nothing." - Reid hops into his Time Machine and jets forward in time to read this week's Update. Honest, we didn't plan this one...

Melrose Place Ultimate Quote O' the Week:

"You know I get all confused when you get logical." - Jo to Reid. This quote stands on its own.

Mindless Melrose Place Trivia:

Michael's beach house is located at 2248 Beachfront Drive. Now your life is complete...

New Vocabulary Words:

Famous Names "Casually" Dropped:

Who Actually Worked in this Episode:

Quotes of the Week:

"Good morning Jane, it's your wake-up call." - Michael to Jane as she wakes up in Hell...

"Good morning!" - Reid to Jo as she wakes up in Lucifer's arms...

"You stupid bitch." - Michael to Jane. While they are working on Jake...

"I'm sorry." - Police officer to Jane.

"I wanna apologise." - Jeff to Matt.

"I'm sorry, Reid." - Jo to the Wild-Haired Boy.

"I owe him [Reid] an apology." - Jo ruefully asks Allison for advice.

"I'm really sorry." - Jo to Reid.

"Whatta you doing here?" - Michael to Sydney.

"Whaddaya wanna do?" - Michael to Sydney. I do not think anyone speaks English anymore.

"I want to be with you, Matt." - Jeff tells Matt what Jake does not want to hear from Reid.

"I'll think about it." - Jake to Reed. Here's a whopping danger sign.

"I have a lot of thinking to do." - Allison to Amanda. Speaking of danger...

"I can't stop thinking about you." - Matt proves to Jeff that being gay doesn't exclude you from cliched love lines...

"I've thought a lot about it." - Jo to Reid

"I'll think about it." - Reid to Amanda.

"I think we should be conservative." - Amanda to Jo.

"I've never met anyone who made me think about things as much as you." - Jeff to Matt. I've never watched a show that made me think about thinking as much as Melrose Place.

"If you see nothing else this year, you need glasses." - says Ian Ferrell, Good Morning America.

"I laughed, I cried, I ran naked through a day-care." - says Dr. Ferreud, Chicago Tribune.

"The whole thing sings." - says Amanda Woodward, D&D Advertising, reviewing "Reid Cooper Live!"

"It took me a long time to look myself in the mirror and face my demons." - Matt to Jeff. The good Doctor rests...

"This is a prescription for painkillers made out to me." - Having passed her elementary identification exam on rocks, balls and trees, Sydney moves on to larger, more complex objects like clocks and drug prescriptions.

"The First Amendment has erected a wall between church and state. That wall must be kept high and impregnable. We could not approve the slightest breach." - Hugo Black, Everson v. Board of Education, 330 U.S. 1, 1947.

"Business and your feelings is like the separation of church and state." - Reid Carter: constitutional lawyer, and renowned expert on pragmatic sanction and the writings of Felicite Robert de La Mennais.

"Submit to the present evil, lest a greater one befall you." - Phaedrus, "Fables", book I, fable 2, line 31.

"It is better, of course, to know useless things than to know nothing." - Lucius Annaeus Seneca, "Epistles", 88, 45.

"The evil that you know is better than the evil that you don't know." - Reid Carter: Latin scholar and student of philosophy. It's amazing what a man can learn in prison with Sally Struthers' help...

"I need this to work." - Jo looks at her love life.

"When are you going to stop tap-dancing and get to the point?" - Billy erupts when Allison comes out of her room all decked out in a sequinned top hat, tails, spats and a diamond-tipped cane; someone should have warned her that Star Search nuked the tap-dancing competition years ago.

"Billy, this is ridiculous!" - Allison catches Billy dressed up as Little Bo Beep and decides that the sexual shenanigans have gone too far.

Melrose Place Update: Under the Covers

Melrose Place Update is an all-digital production. There is no hiss. Analogue copies of previous Melrose Place Updates are available.

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