Welcome to the Melrose Place Update, the only television commentary to receive Motor Trend's "Best in Its Lack of Class" award two years in a row. From the luxurious, hand- tooled examination to the powerful roar of its newly- engineered, turbo-charged psychosexual analysis, every Melrose Place Update detail bespeaks a tradition of American quality and craftsmanship that could only come from Canada. The Melrose Place Update: We're attached to quality.
I turned on the television last week and stared into the mesmerising eyes of a very advanced young lady. She stood on an ocean beach, waves thundering and cascading over the rocks around her, and wore a floppy British dowager's hat. My first impression was of an anachronistic, demure eleven-year-old, yet this precocious pixie was far from demure. "The universe," she asserted with an enigmatic smile and cultured New Zealand accent, "the universe is information."
I mulled over this commercial several days later as I aimed the Thing at a local Quikki-Mart, intent on purchasing a Playboy. I strode confidently through the store's front door, wrapped tightly in the U.S. Constitution, and asked the clerk for this month's issue. Several dollars later, I left the store, magazine in hand, a puppy of Fundamentalist Christian guilt tagging along beside me. Yet beyond a vague physical description, "it was a young man with reddish-brown hair and Bob Hope's nose," the clerk had no clue who I was. No one could trace my action, nor could they recreate the incident after the clerk's short-term memory was replaced with an evening at the monster truck pull.
Returning home, I noticed my VISA statement nestled in the day's mail. I opened the envelope and was astounded to find several spurious charges listed. Knowing full well that I would never order twenty Abdominizer exercise machines or a complete set of Diamondique fashion accessories, I called my bank. Multiple phone calls and letters later, my prodigal VISA card returned to the wallet's fold; albeit with a slightly modified identity. Fortunately, the fraudulent charges were traceable and refundable.
A single thread connects these three, seemingly-disparate events. Anna Paquin's enlightened monologue set on anonymous Oregon beaches and the Bonneville Salt Flats is correct: The universe *is* information. Information is everywhere, woven throughout the fabric of modern existence, much as the overcooked hot dog smell at the Quikki-Mart percolated from sweaty lozenges of animal residue to pervade entire store. For Theseus, the thread heralded salvation, liberation from his labyrinthine confines. For Tantalus, the rope embodied the ultimate demon, an eternal sentence in an ever-elusive hell from which there was no escape. Today, the wire promises digital cash and the outcome remains uncertain.
Electronic money is a Homeric quest of epic proportion; the replacement of contemporary "hard" currency with a silken wisp of digital gossamer. The gold has become the goal. Bands of technological Argonauts sail a turbulent electric current without a map, powerful winds of trade set to fill their sales should they point the rudder in the correct direction. But will this result in a golden fleecing of individuals or a valid individual claim to dominion over personal finances?
Once again, confidentiality and anonymity play a critical role. In some instances, like my Playboy purchase, anonymity is valuable. If Allison buys a slew of personality self-help books with cash, no one should have the right or ability to discover that information. In other cases, anonymity is reduced to ensure traceability. My VISA card protects, to some degree, my privacy while ensuring I don't have to pay for bogus charges if my card is stolen. Yet if Jake plunks down his American Express card for a bunch of business trips and entertainment charges, he can expect a pile of T&E advertising soon appearing in his mailbox. This focused use of customer purchase information has value to some consumers while being an invasion of privacy to others.
The money industry has an additional set of concerns. American financial transactions are about 15% credit cards with the remaining 85% split between cash and cheques. Banks make buckets of money from consumers, primarily through the float period and associated fees on personal checking accounts, while check use grows at 8% per year. Profits increase whether money moves or remains still. To the banks, paper money is anything but inefficient and expensive to deal with.
Fraud is a valid industry and government concern. Counterfeiting is an ancient art, and on the rise again thanks to advanced digital printing tools. With a few design changes, paper currency counterfeiting can be reduced to acceptable levels. Credit card fraud gets a lot of press, although the loss represents only 0.15% of gross credit card volume compared to the 2.5-3% loss from bad credit. Of the fraud loss, about 60% is due to lost or stolen cards. Granted, these losses are substantial when you realise that American credit card spending was approximately $481 billion (US) in 1991 and is estimated to be $882 billion (US) by the year 2000.
Cryptographic methods can guarantee the purchaser's anonymity while protecting the bank and ensuring cash integrity. Public-key encryption techniques and digital signatures allow the customer to withdraw digital coins from his bank and spend them without compromising privacy or the national money supply. Law-enforcement agencies complain that felons will be untraceable and widespread money laundering will result, but the same is possible today with paper currency. I am confident that agencies are clever enough to catch criminals without the ability to monitor their or my purchases.
There was a time when wars were fought over ownership of land but in the future wars will be over ownership of information. For the individual to survive, to feel comfortable in the digital tomorrow, we need to ensure the individual retains those aspects which define him. In some cases, this includes privacy and anonymity; in others, full-accountability. The option is essential for any electronic currency to succeed.
I didn't really buy a Playboy the other day and fortunately my Visa card number was never compromised. But the two scenarios illustrate a dichotomy of actions that any electronic money proposal needs to recognise. Anna's solitary musings touch philosophical threads in a true-digital culture that run much deeper than the creatives at Messner Vetere Berger McNamee Schmetterer/Euro RSCG, New York ever anticipated. The future lies not in James Bond's cunning gadgets: it rests in Ralph Kramden's Playboy collection.
Ex cathedra.
- ian
Wow. Some Melrose Place episodes leave you sitting in shock on the couch; your mind ablaze with the plot complications, acting and dialogue. Some episodes contain such tight exchanges and biting scenarios, you cast aside all concerns and become one with the story. Some episodes fling the viewer into a whirlpool of telecinematic expertise, entrancing with the broad theme while captivating in the fine details. This rehashed repeat, however, was certainly not one of them.
In the major plot development, Jake the Rocket Scientist capped off a year of brilliance and sheer genius by managing to burn his bike shop down.
Jake begins by over-bidding on some bikes then uses the Tax Money to pay the bill. Being new to concepts like Quarterly Taxes, Balance Sheets and Subtracting One Number from the Other, the Moody Moron chews out Jo for reminding him. Jake is a Real Man, he does not need any of this "Sissy Tax Crap"; government be damned!
Jake feebly tries to sell the bikes to other bidders, but they turn him down. The Now-Poor Lad then hits on A Stunningly- Astute Plan: "I will fix the bikes and sell them for A Lot Of Money!" He is hard at work when Amanda floats onscreen and bribes him to go out for a Bud Lite. Jake, The Flaming Idiot, was always bad with the Off Switch, and leaves The Flaming Torch O' Desire afire. Amanda helps things out by knocking the blowtorch over (like, are these two the Laurel and Hardy of Melrose Place?) and we cut to a rousing chorus of "I Don't Want To Set The World On Fire". Chanel anyone?
Jo happens upon the Blaze and freaks out, thinking Jake is trapped in the building. (Life insurance on Jake is a pretty good "Get Rich Quick" scheme in itself...) Her concern is logical: Jake could get trapped in an open field. Jo fortuitously rescues the Hallowed Books O' Accounting, Jake comes back, figures out after several seconds that "Holy Cow! The Building Is On FIRE!!" and Amanda stands in the background wondering if she should let Jake take the fall. (Why not?!?!) Insurance agents are smart, and we close with Jake's agent discovering some Pretty Curious Facts about the fire. Fade to Black with both Jo and Jake looking confused, for totally-separate reasons...
Very little happened in the Billy / Allison love / hate squabble. Billy tried to save Allison's butt at work by appealing to Amanda's sense of lust, unfortunately, (and quite predictably), Billy got his butt barbecued when Allison, "She- Woman of the Jungle" happens upon Wee Willy's shenanigans. Allison needs to chill out. Toward this end, she downed bottle after bottle of vodka, oddly stored in the refrigerator instead of the freezer. (Your humble scribe will wisely refrain for any suggestions of colder places in the apartment to put the Litres O' Lost Love Liquor...)
The Married Couple sputtered on in Scripting Cruise Control. Jane went out on a "Hot Date" with one of Michael's Buddies from College. Michael took it like the Man-Child he is and went ballistic. It is actually quite entertaining to see him spout off each week; just when you think no human being could be so irrational, Michael digs deeper into his bag of Acting Cliches and pulls out a Doozy! It's a good thing for everyone on the show that he does not work at the Post Office. Come to think of it, with his sex life, it's also a good thing he does not work at a blood bank...
Trivia fans will want to note that "Sam", the new love interest for Jane is not only the star of "Silk Stalkings" (another tour de force of television excellence), he is her husband in real life. Think of the Melrose Place Update the next time you need the Quality Information that makes Your Life Worth Living.
My, oh my, oh my! Seconds after dispatching Failure with a Shot Heard Round the World, Jake/Everyman experiences a Shot of Reality as Flames consume his Business. Everyman treats the Business with great care and concern, and rightfully so. The Business is Everyman's Manhood, his sense of Individuality and Place.
Spelling is using a remarkably transparent Western theme in "The Business as Manhood". Since the dawn of Capitalism, driven primarily by the Protestant Work Ethic and Insecurities of Eternal Damnation, Business has been the Castle and Keep of Everyman. When the Home grew unbearable, Everyman sought comfort in the Shop, until it too, became too hot...
Notice that the Business is brought down by a woman, by Amanda/Temptation. In our modern culture, women have burned down the bastions of traditional, male-dominated business culture and replaced it with a centrist model of equality. The Old Boy's Network of overstuffed chairs, cigars and exclusive clubs is gone, and Everyman must reconcile himself with this fact.
The Insurance Agent is an interesting symbol, hearkening back to Conventional Wisdom. He is cynical, and unsympathetic toward Everyman. Conventional Wisdom even goes so far as to suggest Everyman was the sower of his own Doom, implying that some measure of Personal Gain lies in this disaster. Everyman, already shattered, can only rend his clothes further, beat his breast and cry unto Heaven.
When Everyman cries "What happened?!" upon discovering his Business in Flames, he is not interested in the raw facts; he knows The End Has Come. "What happened?!" cries Everyman. "Where is my Reality, my Manhood, my Place?!" Everyman in this cutting scene comes to grips with the New World Order; he may run, but he cannot hide.
Spelling's contemporary Business imagery is a brilliant modern paraphrase of the Greek mythological story of Io. Zeus (or Everyman) loved Io but feared the jealousy of his wife Hera (Everywoman). Being a god, Zeus transformed Io into a white heifer (Business) to hide her from the probing eye of his wife. Hera was no fool, however, and she took the heifer, setting the 100-eyed monster, Argus (or Feminism), to watch over it. Everyman may have created a cunning escape, but Everywoman has discovered the plot, and circumvented Everyman's machinations. To this day, Everyman still seeks his Hermes...
Very little remains to be learned in the Married Couple's agonising divorce. Outside of pictures of a Mother lighting a candle, a young boy frolicking in a hot bath, and a stunning display of fresh Washington peaches, I cannot evoke any additional imagery to describe this story line. Spelling has walked his road here, and it is time to leave the path.
Jake, a.k.a. "Melrose Man" took just 27 years to surpass Peking Man...
"When the vodka wore off, it hurt like hell." - Allison to Billy. She knows why I keep my desk drawers at work locked.
"Does she know you're here?" "If she knew, she'd kill me." - Exchange between Amanda and Billy over Allison's knowledge of their meeting.
1) The car Billy drove in "Seattle" last week to accost Keith is the exact same car Michael drove over to the construction site to accost Sam. I say they paint "Angry Man Mobile" on the side and give it to Jake for his birthday...
2) Allison needs to get a new bath robe. Her current tattered, purple wrap looks like what would be left if Barney moved to south-central Los Angeles.
"Good morning, good morning! It's great to wake up late! Good morning, good morning, to you!" - "Good morning!" originally from the Broadway musical "Babes in Arms" (1938); commonly attributed to "Singin' in the Rain" (1952), where it was sung by Gene Kelly, Donald O'Connor and Debbie Reynolds.
"Good Morning!" "Billy, not now, ok..." - Billy and Mr. Happy wake up and salute the morning, but the Ice Goddess is still fast asleep. So much for the Babe in the Arms and Mr. Happy Singin' in the Rain[coat]...
"A clever, ugly man every now and then is successful with the ladies, but a handsome fool is irresistible." - William Makepeace Thackeray.
"They're all rugged and handsome, but they're not Jake." - Amanda bemoans the fact that all of her male models qualify as some form of intelligent life.
"I'm sorry, it's been a crazy morning." - Allison to Amanda.
"I'm sorry Billy, I'm just swamped." - Allison to Billy.
"You spend your day apologising." - Amanda to Allison.
"Give me a chance." - Allison to Amanda.
"You've always been a good friend." - Jane to Sam.
"You've always been my best friend." - Allison to Billy. That's what Melrose Place is about: good friends, good times, casual sex and idiots who can't remember to turn off the brazing torch...
"Just before he [Keith] left to Seattle, he tried to rape her." "My god!" - Exchange between Billy and Amanda.
"While they [Keith and Allison] were on the phone together, he committed suicide." "My god!" - Exchange between Billy and Amanda.
"I almost kissed you that night." "I almost let you." - Exchange between Sam and Jane. I almost puked...
"Anyone can make an ad with spandex and bimbos." "Ya!" - Amanda reloads and tries the other approach. Jake experiences an epiphany...
[smooch] [Mr. Tongue gets Wanderlust] "Uh, er, uh..." "Did I do something wrong?" "No." - Sam realises that if you have to ask...
"What happened?" - Amanda, arriving with Jake, proves that stupidity is contagious.
"If you think it's chaotic down in Emergency, you should spend a day here..." - Matt's flashback continues.
"I'm sorry, I can't help you." - Matt ends the flashback and logs it on his phone.
"I just need some extra time." - Allison to Amanda. There's a phrase no manager has ever heard before...
"I just need some time to forget." - Allison to Billy. Evidently, the writers need some time to come up with original lines...
"Whatever happens here, I make it happen." - Jake tells Jo that it's better for him to move to New York.
"I'm going to do it my way!" - Jake strides on stage, arm-in-arm with Frank Sinatra...
"Don't be ridiculous!" - Allison calms her scatter-brained self.
"Take care of Jake." - Allison to Jo. At first, I thought Jake needs to go through life with a crash helmet on, but then I realised it wouldn't really matter...
"I am not the crook here!" - Jake, insurance hearings.
"When exactly did you decide to betray me?" - Allison to Billy who surreptitiously hides the thirty pieces of silver and whistles a bouncy tune...
"I love you more than anything." - Allison to Billy, next scene. One day, Billy will realise he's living with the Jekyll and Hyde Girlfriend From Hell...
"You're up to your eyes in vodka." - Billy to Allison.
"You drink every night and you drink alone!" - Billy to Allison.
"It's killing me to see you like this!" - Billy to Allison. Amen, kick her off the show before she apologises again.
"Dammit!" "Oh, don't worry about it; it happens to all men..." - Michael, expecting another Command Performance, gets a Wee Bit Ticked Off when the Audience fails to give him a Standing Ovation. Fortunately, Kimberly is waiting in the wings to make a Curtain Call...
"America has become so tense..." - Dr. Norman Vincent Peale.
"Sweetheart, you're just tense." "Don't patronise me!!!" - Exchange between Kimberly and Michael when The Little Trooper fails to muster for Role Call...
"I gotta make some changes." - Allison to Billy, the Yes Man.
(c) 1994 Ian Ferrell. The Melrose Place Update is published weekly and distributed via electronic mail and the Graces of Internet. Each article contains a summary of that week's Melrose Place episode with analysis and commentary.
Melrose Place Update is an all-digital production. There is no hiss. Analogue copies of previous Melrose Place Updates are available.
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