Welcome to the Melrose Place Update! Each Update is packed with special vitamins and proteins to preserve your mind's lustrous beauty. Just a few minutes each day with the Melrose Place Update is all you need to keep your mind silky soft and manageable. And it's so easy to pass along: I told two friends and they told two friends, and so on, and so on, and so on... Imagine television commentary so healthy, it shines! The Melrose Place Update: Only your therapist will know!
The doorbell rang the other day. Doorbells fascinate me; their symbolic summation of life is intriguing. Doorbells and telephones demand the modern citizen's attention; their siren song is one few can ignore. Normally, the doorbell is no cause for alarm. It may herald the arrival of a friend who has stopped by to watch television or our real-estate agent was fishing and brought back a few salmon steaks.
In this instance, however, the doorbell rang at 12:15 A.M. I sat in front of a roaring fire, the flames danced before my eyes as if to an Eastern melody; flaming cobras entranced by the piper's flute. The darkness sat patiently outside the blazing glow, a silent companion to my musing. The glass of port was warm and heavy, like my thoughts. Generations of cultural memory brought me to this point; some ancient Ferrell no doubt huddled in front of a similar fire in centuries past, sipping a glass and pondering the complexities of 17th century life. I was not eager for interruption.
The caller was a young, damp woman who I did not recognise. It had begun to rain outside. She needed to use the telephone: "I want to order a pizza, my phone is disconnected and I'm all alone. I'm your neighbour downstairs..." Distracted, I let her in. She ordered her pizza and left, oblivious to the time or the intrusion, while I contemplated the droplets of water she left behind and my [admittedly foolish] willingness to let this complete stranger into my house under bizarre circumstances.
The neighbour relationship is a unique manifestation of suburban life. Several hundred years ago, neighbours would journey a mile or two to visit and exchange philosophy over a warm glass. Such meetings were casual, though the relationships they nurtured were vital to personal security and social advancement. During Suburbia's defining years, the neighbour gained importance. Suburbia was a great social leveller: Houses were physically close, socio-economic status was similar, age groups were roughly equivalent. The neighbour became an familial extension.
The neighbour relationship is the core of Melrose Place. Very little, if anything, is ever heard of each character's family. Sidney and Jane's sisterhood is parenthetical at best, and Palmer Woodward warrants only a passing glance. Work relationships are nil, at least until Billy can get his balls back from Allison long enough to ask Celia out. The focal point of Melrose Place life is the pool; the community that lives in those apartments derives strength and security from each other. Threats are always external, coming from outside the original cadre of residents. Amanda and Sidney do not belong, they serve only to confuse and contuse.
The neighbour relationship is the ultimate lie of Melrose Place. The average Melrose Place denizen is a solitary ship sailing a solitary sea of existence, save for a few quiet moments on anchor at Melrose Place. There is no extended family, no trust and selfless concern here. Melrose Place is a false safehouse, a charlatan whose efficacy hails from an unwillingness to accept a changing world.
My grandmother enjoyed nothing better than sitting on her couch, staring out at the stream of life flowing past her living room window. She knew each person; their comings and goings, their strengths and failures. The global village [whatever that ultimately means] makes us all neighbours; the electric window in the living room is a portal to the world around us. Through it, we see a focused stream of life flow past. We see celebrity comings and goings, their strengths and failures. Then we change the channel.
For at the same time we join this electric world we decry the loss of the neighbourhood; cities decay and suburbs become collections of individuals rather than a community. The electric window turns each of us into technological voyeurs, watching the world outside our door with detachment. We see and know, but rarely understand. Rather than take the time over a glass of port to develop personal relationships, we channel surf. The most human character on Melrose Place is without a doubt the pool boy.
The flames slow their frenzied writhing and the glass is nearly empty. Fingers of rain drum impatiently on the window. A pizza delivery car screeches to a halt outside. "Pepperoni and olive, with green pepper on half", if my memory is correct. She lied: no solitary person orders pizza with an ingredient on half of it. Then again, you need several personalities to survive these days.
Tomorrow, I will disconnect the doorbell...
- ian
For many months I have defended Melrose Place. I have stood on the mountain top, resolute and firm in my assertion that the show has promise. I have argued for hours, side-by-side with Hillary Rodham, that Melrose Place contains some measurable value, provided you look past the ruffles and frills contrived to seduce the masses. The Congressional subcommittee has seen proofs and evidence to support my claims. Unfortunately, after this episode I am forced to admit it: Melrose Place is nothing more than a soap opera.
Where can we begin? [Where does it end?] Michael the Gland Man, paralysed since the intoxicated car accident that killed his mistress, is living with Jane, his ex-wife and Robbie the Wonder Fudge, Jane's divorce lawyer lover. Michael still wants Jane, or to rephrase it a bit; Michael does not want anyone else to have Jane. Michael will have her; oh yes, he will have her. [Fade to "Dream Weaver"...]
Sidney, Jane's sister, vows to go abandon prostitution but hops back into the sack with a John, unfortunately for her, he's really John Law. Michael bails Miss Demeanour out of Jail but he runs on the same fuel that drove Nick Mancuso in "Stingray": "I'll help you but you'll have to help me..." Michael's payback? Sid has to finagle one of her Call Girl Compatriots into seducing Robert "I Use Plenty O Starch". Ever the Lowe life, Michael wants it all on videotape, and he won't be sending it to Bob Saget.
Amanda, the Black Widow of Melrose Place, screws Billy last week and turns her sights toward Allison, kicking her off the Microcomp [Steve MacMillan's company] advertising account. Allison does what she does best: she whines, cries and apologises. Billy Knows What's Going Down, but he's caught between a Girl Jock and a Sad Face and wisely hangs low. It will burn him in the end; oh yes, it will burn him. [Fade to NIN's "Something I Can Never Have"...]
Matt showed up for a second or two to urge Michael on at physical therapy but other than that scene, he remains the Window Dressing Man.
Jo journeyed to San Fran to chum around at her high school's 10-year reunion. Of course You Can Never Go Back, and Jo realises this about 5 seconds after arriving. But hey! Who appears but "Reed", formerly of [the extremely-short-lived T.V. series] "Route 66", and an ex-boyfriend of Jo's. Reed still has the hots for Jo, but she's lukewarm. Over breakfast, Reed confesses that he spent the last two years locked up for drug smuggling, but "I'm innocent". Jo is torn and returns to Melrose admitting to Allison that she is inclined to believe him. Fade to black as we see Reed skulking in the Melrose Place shadows...
[The eminent British archaeologist, Dr. Flinders Petrie-Dish, sent us another scroll transcription from his dig in the Jordanian desert. Dr. Petrie-Dish, accompanied by his faithful assistant Jennings, discovered several scroll fragments buried in catacombs under a centuries-old camel barn in Bag-er-uck- el-Fazzad Ha! The scrolls were written in a hybrid lexicon of First Century (C.E.) Aramaic and traditional Greek, with marginal notes in Latin; Dr. Petrie-Dish believes that the stories contained in the scrolls describe an ancient civilisation that developed around the camel barn.]
2) And The Place was known throughout the land as a Holy Place, the most Holy of all Holy Places for The Place was its name and Holy was this Place.
3) These are the generations of The Place. In the beginning was there Aaron the Speller who begat Merr-ill the Seaman who begat Roarke the Purveyor of All that is Fantastic and Wonder Full who begat Blaake the Dynastic who begat Brandun the Sideburned who begat Bil-Baruk the Quill.
4) Now Bil-Baruk the Quill was a much-cherished man and the women of The Place didst fall upon their faces crying, Verily The Lord hath shewn us His face in Bil-Baruk for there is no other so fair of face in all The Place, nay in all the land.
5) His mighty arms are as the cedars which tower over us by the river.
6) His chest is like an iron buckler, forged in a fire so hot as to consume the fire whence it was forged.
7) His loins are girded by bands of pure gold.
8) His voice is like the call of a sparrow upon the glade, crying out for its mate.
9) Yet the women were without his comfort for Bil-Baruk the Quill was cursed by the Lord who was not above a season of persecution for sport and didst cast upon him the pestilence known only as El-al-Eson.
10) And Bil-Baruk didst suffer terribly for his sin.
11) Thus there went out from an unknown place a certain harlot whose face hearkened unto a cherubim yet whose heart held a seed of evil.
12) For she was want to wear all manner of silken dress and golden cords that pusheth up as the hills which thrust their smooth crowns into the broad sky and bring forth plunging valleys to tempteth those who are weak.
13) And the Harlot didst come across The Place saying,
14) Verily, see me here a most rad of all Places, what works of wonder shalt I purvey here! For the men are without strong women who will know them and suffer the anguish thereof. Truly shalt I findest profit amidst this Place.
15) Now the Lord didst happen to glanceth down from on high, and didst taketh some time away from smoting repugnant peoples with all manner of plague and pestilence and brimstone, saying,
16) Verily, this harlot shall do no good upon The Place save shall she increase thine ratings without measure?
17) And the Lord spake again, saying Verily, thou shalt not have a harlot among The Place for the Place is a Holy Place, the most Holy of all Holy Places for The Place is its name and Holy is this Place.
18) If ye shall choose to purvey this evil upon the land I will smite The Place for her sins roam to the ends of the land and know no rest. Lo, her wine is mixed with water and her gold hath become dross. This temptress shall lead the sons of the princes away from the truth, and they shall become deaf unto mine words and blind unto mine works.
19) And the Lord didst send his servant John, the Lawful, unto the Place.
20) And John the Lawful didst approach the Harlot in her drunkenness and seduced her saying,
21) Verily I hath much gold and silver which shall be thine shouldst thou chooseth to know me as mine forefathers didst know thine ancestors. Pray, steal away with me for a while and thou shalt have riches untold; fain that thou wouldst doest that which thou doest with thine tongue!
22) And the Harlot's eyes were blinded to the plot, and she didst follow the Lord's servant for she sought gold and silver over all things.
23) And the Harlot was chastened by the Lord's servant who casteth her from The Place, saying Verily, verily, thou art a wicked woman, prey to tempt and seduce the men of The Place. Be thou gone from this Place and all others for the Lord hideth His face from thee and thou shalt know no end of tribulation and suffering until thy days are accomplished and thou descendeth back unto the pit from whence thou didst issue forth as pus from a lanced boil!
24) And the Harlot fled unto the hills, unto the home of Mic-a-hel the Healer for he was a buttress in her hour of need. And she sojourned there for some time, until the Lord casteth His eyes upon another repugnant people and returneth to His plague and pestilence and brimstone.
25) And lo, among those who counted the Ratings, there was great rejoicing up and down the land.
Allison and Amanda cat fight at work. Michael works on his evil smirk. Jo hangs out with a high school jerk. Jake imitates Captain Kirk.
Oh, and the Update explores a cryptic subject... Don't miss it!
1) When Billy waves bye-bye to Allison after working out, his chest is pouring sweat and his hair is dripping. In the next shot his chest is still soaking but his hair is dry.
2) When Amanda runs from her apartment because the faucet "exploded" her hair is stringy and wet. Unfortunately, her shirt is dry. Is it that hot at Melrose Place?!?!
3) How does Billy know Amanda pulled Allison from the Microcomp account? When he shows up at the apartment, he's all perky and set on dinner reservations, seemingly oblivious to the situation. Yet when Allison starts whining, he immediately understands and starts badmouthing Amanda. Is Billy actually The Amazing Kreskin? Is this why all of their spoons are bent?
4) A number of readers have wondered whether Sydney's arrest was entrapment. The jury is still out but the cop never said "I will give you $xx for sex" only that he had a lot of money and wanted fun. Sydney set the price and what he would "get" for the price. Any lawyers out there wanna jump in?
In a stunning plot twist, the first Citizen O' Melrose is on her way to jail as Sidney gets nailed on a prostitution charge. Amanda's the newest addition to our list of Melrose Place residents potentially on their way to jail. Her father's comment about jumping bail makes Amanda an accomplice, aiding and abetting a fugitive. If she was his wife [hey, there's a plot twist!] she could get away with it, but she's just his dopey daughter.
Most likely to join the list? Wait 'til Jo gets in deep with Reed; I'm sure we'll be able to snag her on some drug charge...
The "Sashay To The Slammer" includes:
When Jo and Reed split for the evening, he hits on her. She declines his offer but proposes the two meet the next morning for breakfast. In the next scene, Allison is curled up in bed watching "Breakfast at Tiffany's".
Now, San Francisco may not be New York City, but Jo makes a good Holly Golightly. Let's take a look:
After several Update readers mentioned the terrible state of women's hair on the show, we paid attention to this week's Coiffures du Episode. Sure enough, they look pretty bad. My vote for worst was Jo's hair when she walks in to talk with Jake about the bounced cheque. Yeesh! My dog's butt looks better than that...
Another week where I'll abstain from providing a "sample" vocabulary sentence...
"I have a chance with Allison again, and I don't want to screw it up." - Billy, after describing the situation to Amanda, realises that he is running in the wrong direction...
"I'm really pumping at those P.T. sessions." - Michael to Jane. No, please! Stop the insanity!!
"The werewolf's painful change. Turning his head away On the sweaty bolster, he tries to remember The mood of manhood, But lies at last, as always, Letting it happen, the fierce fur soft to his face, Hearing with sharper ears." - Richard [Purdy] Wilbur, "Beasts", 1956, stanzas 3, 4. Billy and Michael do shave a lot...
"On a tree by a river a little tomtit
Sang "Willow, titwillow, titwillow!"
And I said to him, "Dicky-bird, why do you sit
Singing 'Willow, titwillow, titwillow!'
"Is it weakness of intellect, birdie?" I cried,
"Or a rather tough worm in your little inside?"
With a shake of his poor little head he replied,
"Oh, willow, titwillow, titwillow!"
- W.S. Gilbert, "The Mikado", 1885, act II. Well, Billy
qualifies as a tit. Such is the anguish of learning
thermodynamics from a physics professor who would
rather quote Gilbert than Gibbs...
"You running away from home?" - Jake takes time out from writing fortune cookie inserts...
"It doesn't look good for our side." - Palmer sits down, dejected, as Knute Rockne circles the troops to invoke the Gipper's memory.
"We're a team around here." - Amanda takes the ball from Allison.
"Amanda; this is completely unfair!" - Allison falls back on her stock response: get hoarse and feign righteous indignation. The problem is, how do you respect a hoarse, righteously indignant chipmunk with bad hair? Of course, you could always ask Bill Clinton...
"Good morning Jane!" "Good morning Michael." - Michael stays up all night trying to figure out how to solve his [former] leading lady's voice problem (she keeps telling him no) and save the film. Debbie Reynolds would be proud.
"This is pointless!" - Michael discovers the True Meaning of his life.
"Can the Ethiopian change his skin, or the leopard his spots?" - Jeremiah 13:23, King James Version.
"I can't change the way I am!" - Jake wakes up one morning and discovers he is Black.
"She's [Sidney's] never satisfied until your skin's hanging up in her bedroom." - Michael to Jake. In some bizarre way, these are all related, but I'm not sure exactly *how*...
"I just got out of the federal penitentiary." - Reed tries out "Sure Score" line #2...
"Maybe we can drive into the wine country and talk some more." - Reed tries out "Sure Score" line #3. So much for the "Mike Tyson's Dating Tips" manual. At least Reed has a bright future ahead on "Studs".
"I'm innocent!" - Sidney to Michael.
"I didn't do anything!" - Allison to Amanda.
"I was innocent." - Reed to Jo.
"It wasn't my fault!" - Amanda to Jake.
"I'm not innocent. I did everything they said I did." - Palmer bucks a trend.
"Maybe you were confused about your life." - Jo. Ya, that's it...
"I'm sorry; I'm really sorry." - Jake catches the virus.
"Michael, come in! Do you need any help?" - Sidney to Mikey. Is there any help he *doesn't* need?
-Reed discovers fundamentalist Christianity.
"Whatever The Fates say, I've always been a straight up guy." - Reed defends himself. Hey! Paula may be some perky [portly?] pop icon who sings through her nose, but the video was cool...
(c) 1994 Ian Ferrell. The Melrose Place Update is published weekly and distributed via electronic mail and the Graces of Internet. Each article contains a summary of that week's Melrose Place episode with analysis and commentary.
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