Welcome to the Melrose Place Update, a valuable part of any complete, well-balanced television diet. Each update contains over 7 essential mental nutrients and 100% of the recommended daily allowance of cynicism, acerbic criticism and mind-numbing analogies. The Update contains no added sugar, fat or fluff: only pure, natural angst, the way Nature intended it. And, the Melrose Place Update is the only television commentary that stays crunchy in milk. Read it again, for the very first time...
"Pete and Repeat were walking down the street. Pete got lost; who's left?" - Inane children's riddle.
Repeats are a difficult beast for the Melrose Place Update to handle. Should we send out the original Update, a "revised" original, a completely new "original", or ignore the entire episode? Given the buckets of new subscribers who missed many of the early season episodes, we've opted to send out revised originals. Dr. Ferreud claims this reflects our latent conservatism; our inability to deal with previous faults and desire to "edit" the past to recreate our anal perfection. Then again, Dr. Ferreud cruises sleazy bars in an old Ford panel van, so do we care what he claims?
Adolf von Baeyer, an organic chemist, turned his attention to condensation reactions between aldehydes and phenolics in 1872. Baeyer pursued a new class of dyes to feed the growing textile industry, and hoped to fabricate them in his laboratory. Unfortunately, the condensation experiments had little success; the majority of his tests resulted in little more than a resinous residue. This material was impossible to evaluate as a dye, and Baeyer moved on in frustration. Additional researchers sauntered down the path of phenolics, each stalking the siren song of synthetics with no success. All cursed the dreaded "unerquickliche Harze" [awful resins].
It was not until 1907 that a Belgian-American scientist named Leo Baekeland wandered into the resin arena. He held little interest in synthetic dye; Baekeland's background lay in electrochemistry and he had dabbled in organic replacements for ivory. The bizarre resin interested him, and he explored it further. Examining the reaction's multiple stages, he soon learned how to control it. By applying high temperatures and pressures at one stage, Baekeland discovered the resin could be transformed into a hard, nonporous, mouldable plastic he patented as "Bakelite".
Celluloid already existed in the marketplace, and although it was not perfect, the majority of plastics manufacturers were familiar with it, and reticent to retool their factories for Bakelite. Faced with an uphill battle trying to convince existing manufacturers to use his plastic, Baekeland approached other industries and convinced them to use Bakelite in their new products. Over the following years, the Bakelite Corporation grew into a world-wide plastics manufacturer and Bakelite redefined the face of consumer packaging, from Bosch ignition parts through home appliances, electrical connectors and personal care products.
At this point, the traditional essay of this type would iterate the need for creative thinking and openness to new markets, blah, blah, blah. Unfortunately, that is a load of crap. It implies, in the conventional, Euro-Calvinist, finger-pointing way that someone failed because of inability or lack of hard work. Baeyer and his colleagues were not idiots, they did not lack creativity or commercial vision. They could not see the revolutionary plastic because it was never there for them to see. Their only mistake was to exist in a reality where they could not invent Bakelite.
In the book =93The Social Construction of Technological Systems=94, Wiebe Bijker presents the notion of a =93technological frame=94; the community network surrounding technology. This network covers every realm of human interaction: social, political, economic, religious, etc., and is composed of the concepts and techniques employed by a community in its problem solving. The technological frame filters out much of the seeming randomness surrounding technology development and implementation. If your frame does not encompass a particular technology, you are unable to create or comprehend it.
There is a tendency within contemporary culture to view technology as a "Holy Grail", an end in and of itself. Yet, technology cannot be the sole agent of change. Superior technology does not guarantee success unless the purveyor is successful at extending the technological framework to encompass the technology. Technology is a driving force in contemporary culture while at the same time it is bound by culture.
Witness the modern example of =93Lithos=94, a typeface designed in 1989 by Carol Twombly for Adobe Systems Inc. The face was intended to represent hand-inscribed text in an ancient Greek style. It was a well-designed typeface, but a niche creation, and seemingly-doomed to relative obscurity. Yet during the same period, the creative director at MTV Networks was looking for an offbeat typeface for titles and stumbled on the quirky Lithos. The result can be seen in any bookstore, advertisement, or product that caters to pop culture; Lithos went from unknown to ubiquitous not because of technological excellence, but due to a co-operation between external social factors that translated Lithos into pop culture's framework.
The responsibility here is to identify the limits of technology within the social framework and recognise the need for society to keep pace with technology. The synthetic dyes, plastics, and other scientific advances of late-nineteenth century Europe were an incredible force on Western culture because the entire societal infrastructure (legal, religious, political, etc.) could not comprehend or handle the new reality. It is not enough to keep driving technology forward while society lags behind.
The reflex to this is evident today: an increasing reliance on the past, with traditional constructs and artefacts usurping technological advancement. Entertainment like Nickelodeon is enjoyable because culture is uncomfortable with the digital frame. People around us struggle to fulfil their parent's value systems, perceptions and goals from a long-dead reality rather than build their own system for the present. The three- bedroom suburban rambler does not cut it anymore; we are slipping behind our technological frame.
It is amazing what one can learn from a distributor cap...
Ex cathedra,
- ian
"Revenge" First broadcast September 22, 1993.
Wow! Stunning drama, a nail-biting script and edge-of-your- seat acting. The people (I think they're human) who write Melrose Place certainly outdid themselves this week. If you think these episodes are bad the first time, try watching them twice; Warren Cooper, the Melrose Place Financial Advisor likens the experience to "eating my own vomit". Warren needs a vacation...
The episode sets out with Billy the He-Man waltzing into Seattle early one morning to give Psycho Keith a Piece of His Mind. Unfortunately, he ends up breaking a bucket of laws in the process. After forcing his way into Keith's house and discovering the Wacky Weirdo's "Shrine To The [Nearly] Virgin Allison", our Man of Distinguished Valour strides confidently to Keith's jobsite and assaults him before five witnesses.
Gentleman Jim Corbett heads back to L.A. while Keith heads to the medicine cabinet with visions of Angela Lansbury twittering around his head. Allison soon finds out about Billy Tyson's pilgrimage to see the Unbalanced Ecologist and freaks out. (Oddly-enough, her hair looked strikingly like Don King's during that scene...)
Here's a big surprise: the whole affair affects Allison's job performance! Yup, Allison is Hollywood's stereotypical example of the "successful woman"; smart but unable to extricate herself from Flaming Emotion and Insecurity when the dice fall. Billy goes to Seattle, Allison freaks out. Keith calls, Allison freaks out. Amanda screams at Allison, Allison freaks out. Keith blows his peabrain all over the wall, Allison freaks out. Billy, as usual, is the Paragon of Detachment: "Well Allison, he's obviously a very messed-up individual." After a .45 slug through the cranium, I don't doubt it. Cut to Allison in "Freak-Out" mode for the rest of the episode with Rick James gyrating in the background.
Oh, Billy also climbed into the shower with Allison but they cut to a commercial before we could hear him scream...
The Married Couple set the dialogue on Cruise Control as they toured through the desert wasteland of their plot. Sidney, The Little Sister from Hell hit on Michael, and even offered to do his laundry. Kimberly, The World's Worst Excuse to Leave Your Wife since Glenn Close cleaned the kitchen counters with her butt in "Fatal Attraction", didn't appreciate this, but hey, Michael's a boob! Michael is starting to learn that Kimberly is Her Own Woman and won't take all of his crap. He needs to move to Argentina or something...
Matt showed up in the hospital for one line and collected his pay cheque for the week.
Amanda is in Hot Pursuit mode, calculating and conniving her way into Jake's, er, heart. Jo finally woke from the coma and figured it out, unfortunately, she asked Allison for advice; she's toast. Jake is perfecting the "Sly Dog" lifestyle, expertly playing each side against the other in fine Machiavellian fashion. Amanda wants Hard Body Jake to be the next "Bonehead Beer" boy, but Jo is a wee bit bitchy over those blueprints. One of these days the producers are bound to cut all the dialogue and just have a gigantic mud-wrestling free- for-all in the pool.
This week brought dramatic closure to the incessant conflict between Allison/Success, Keith/Failure, and Billy/Innocence. Innocence again evokes the Freedom metaphor and travels to Seattle to confront Keith/Failure. Notice the distinct use of Seattle as a Destination, a Goal. This is no coincidence. Seattle is known as "The Emerald City" and in this, Spelling conjures up a traditional, mystical conception. Ancient cultures held that the emerald possessed mystical healing powers, particularly for the eye. Innocence realises that Success is blind to Failure's machinations, and pursues him to The Emerald City in an attempt to heal Success' vision, so she may see Failure for what he is.
Failure's suicide was inevitable, given that Failure is by definition a self-destructive force. Though Failure pledged his eternal love for Success, it was the Bitter Elements within Failure that ultimately brought his downfall. Spelling's use of the phallic handgun as instrument of final destruction was a quaint touch, as was the use of telephone (Communication) prior to the Final Moments; both represent the sort of detail one rarely sees in contemporary psychosexual cinematic imagery.
The telephone was a recurring theme in this episode. A telephone roused Success from her "rape sequence" dream twice: first at home and then at work. Failure harasses Success over the phone. Every time the phone rings, Success suffers a coronary. We know the telephone represents Communication; here it symbolises Success' internal need to Communicate her problems to the external world. Success cannot lock the vivid experiences within her, she must share them and resolve them within her circle of friends. The phone "calls" her to speak, to talk about her problem on the psychoanalytic couch. Note also that the disturbing interruptions end after Success talks to Jo/Modern Sexuality.
Another fascinating sidepoint in the story was Amanda's/Temptation's automotive trouble after letting Jake/Everyman drive the Porsche. Temptation gave Everyman Freedom, yet in doing so, denied herself Freedom. Temptation tipped her hand through her actions, alerting Modern Sexuality to her Goals. This mythic struggle between Everyman, Freedom, Temptation and Sex will accelerate in the future as Signor Spelling explores the societal roles for Everyman in the Modern Age.
Michael/Tradition appealed again to Matt/Conscience, pleading for affirmation in his chosen path. "Here is my Soul, my Direction and my Goal" cries Tradition, pointing to Kimberly/Ambition. "Are these the paths I should take?" Conscience is ambivalent on this point for Conscience may only imply a course of action, it cannot determine. Though this was a remarkably short scene, it exposed some stunning symbolism.
The episode continued a fascinating development from previous shows in its use of Laundry as archetypal image for Cleansing, particularly of the Soul. Primarily, this is through a revision of the image of Water as Life. The Melrose Place Laundry is an extensible icon for Absolution and Renewal; within its confines, all is restored. When Ambition berates Tradition for his Dirty Laundry, she is not concerned solely with soiled garments. Ambition realises the depth of Tradition's Stain, and the damaging effect this will have on the Future.
Tradition must send his Laundry back to Melrose Place with Sydney/Immaturity, for that is the only place where he may be truly Absolved. Immaturity foolishly believes that by bringing Tradition and Future's Laundry to the Cleansing, she can facilitate some form of Reconciliation. Note also that she hides Tradition's dirty laundry under her bed; a fitting prediction of her sexual machinations.
The cleansing symbolism extended to the relationship between Innocence and Success; here they sought Absolution in the Shower. In the Shower, Absolution rains down from Above, in the form of Life-giving Water. This is a blatant reference to the conventional Judeo-Christian allegory of Salvation from Heaven, Forgiveness from Above. This may indicate future explorations, perhaps even an introduction, of religion into the Melrose Place Community. Until now, the primary religions have been hedonism, mixed with a liberal dose of mythology and pagan superstition. Spelling may well be ready to address the fundamentalist Christian element that pervades the American social infrastructure.
A new episode for a new year. Michael "I'm a new man" scams on Sidney to seduce Robbie the Wonder Lawyer. Mikey wants to pull a Rob Lowe on them, and then invite Jane over for videos: "Popcorn, dear?"
"You better get out of here quick before I lose control and rip your panties off in a supply closet." - Michael to Kimberly. Oh dear...
We have eight cast members currently on the Melrose Place "Sashay To The Slammer". They are:
Whoever scouts locations for Melrose Place needs to find another beach house. Kimberly's house is the same place Keith lived at before he moved to Seattle. Ooops.
"Just go to work and try to relax." - Billy to Allison. The way Allison works, the office is the only place she has some peace and quiet and can put her feet up...
"What a crock." - Jane to Sidney. I second that.
"You know what they say: living well is the best revenge." - Michael to Kimberly. You may think Mikey's an idiot, but he's really an expert on 17th-century literature...
"We have stood apart, studiously neutral." - Woodrow Wilson, address to the U.S. Congress, December 7, 1915.
"I am totally neutral." - Matt comes to grip with the fact that he gets, at most, two lines every episode and tends to wear a lot of beige...
"Look, I'm sorry!" - Kimberly to Michael; she regrets picking up Michael.
"I have just been through a very difficult experience." - Allison to Billy.
"I'm sorry, I had a very traumatic weekend." - Allison to Amanda.
"I am days behind on this report." - Allison to Billy.
"I'm sorry, I'm really sorry." - Allison to Amanda.
"I feel like my entire life is caving in." - Allison to Amanda.
"I am really sorry, I'm going through a really-terrible crisis..." - Allison to Amanda.
"When you manage to extract it, please let me know." - Doug asks Amanda to notify him when Allison pulls her head out of her butt.
"I can't get you out of my head." - Allison to Keith, "The Affair, Part II" episode, first broadcast October 28, 1992.
"I wish you were dead." - Allison to Keith, completing the circle.
"Jo! What are you doing here?" - Allison to Jo. Never let it be said that the writers recycle dialogue...
"What the hell have you been up to?" - Allison berates Billy. Okay, so the writers got a little crazy with this line, maybe Bob Ross was helping them out...
"The time is gone,
This song is over,
Thought I'd something more to say..."
- Pink Floyd, [Roger Waters], in "Time" from "Dark Side of
the Moon" 1973. Buckets of thanks to Dan and Jed on the
MPU Research Team...
"Aren't you going to ask me in?" - Sidney to Michael as the audience wonders which of these blood-sucking leeches will get to the other first...
"That's it; I'm calling the police." "Don't bother; I'll be dead." - Exchange between Allison and Keith; he must have had an unfortunate experience as a child with Officer Friendly.
"Put the gun down." "Why; give me one good reason." "Because... Because..." - Exchange between Allison and Keith before Keith sets off to see the Wizard.
"A man should not refuse a little wine when it is pressed upon him." - Kenko Yoshida, "Tsurezure-Gusa" [Essays in Idleness], c. 1340.
"It was strictly business." - Jake to Jo. Ya and Amanda was pressing...
"I can't let you do my laundry." "Why not?" "Uh; I don't know." - Exchange between Michael and Sidney. Ok, we need to find 10 more guys just like these two; where's the nearest petting zoo?
"I couldn't help myself." - Billy to Allison.
"It was something I had to do." - Billy to Allison. Billy, the Angst-Ridden Soul of Melrose Place, helplessly-tossed like a Cork on a Sea of Emotion. Come to think of it, Allison makes a pretty good Sea of Emotion...
"I had to get some justice." "Who are you? The Caped Crusader?" - Billy, in a weak moment, lets his guard down and Eagle- Eyed Allison boy wonders about Wee Willy's predilection for driving a big, black car around L.A. with Michael Jackson and young boys wearing green tights.
"I live to do other people's laundry." - Sidney reveals that taking people to the cleaners runs in her family.
"The soul shrinks
From all that it is about to remember,
From the punctual rape of every blessed day,
And cries,
'Oh, let there be nothing on earth but laundry,
Nothing but rosy hands in the rising steam
And clear dances done in the sight of heaven.'"
- Richard Wilbur, "Love Calls Us to the Things of This
World", 1956.
"Why on God's earth is Jane's sister doing your laundry?" - Kimberly to Michael. Once again the Update turns the ends of the earth in the eternal quest for meaning and circularity...
"A lover forsaken a new love may get, But a neck when once broken can never be set." - William Walsh.
"Je m'en vais enfin de ce monde, ou il faut que le coeur se brise ou se bronze." [And so I leave this world, where the heart must either break or turn to lead.] - Nicolas-Sebastien Chamfort, suicide note, 1794.
"Seattle police confirmed that he [Keith] killed himself." - Billy to Allison. Maybe he was just shopping at Safeway? [Seattle joke: watch the news].
"If you give up your affairs forever,
I will give up mine.
But it's hard.
So hard."
- Pet Shop Boys, "So Hard", from the compact disc,
"Behaviour", 1990.
"It's just so hard." "Then let it be hard." - Exchange between Allison and Jo. Melrose Place is a Pet Shop Boys video.
"I have become comfortably numb..." - Pink Floyd [Roger Waters], "Comfortably Numb" from the compact disk, "The Wall", 1982.
"You cannot numb the pain." - Jo to Allison. Ok, Roger Waters has a cameo...
"What Time Is Love?" - The KLF. "What Time Is Love" from the "Live at Trancentral" EP. 1990. WAX CDS 9157.
"What time is it?" - Billy to Allison. Definitely too late for him...
(c) 1993 Ian Ferrell. The Melrose Place Update is published weekly and distributed via electronic mail and the Graces of Internet. Each article contains a summary of that week's Melrose Place episode with analysis and commentary.
Melrose Place Update is an all-digital production. There is no hiss. Analogue copies of previous Melrose Place Updates are available.
Send comments to ianf@microsoft.com
To subscribe, send email to ianf@microsoft.com with "subscribe" in the subject line and your email address in the message body. To cancel your subscription, send email to ianf@microsoft.com with "cancel" in the subject line and your email address in the message body.