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I just bought a Butterfinger from the kitchen vending machine. The whole vending machine design leaves much to be desired. The Butterfingers live a precarious eighty feet or so above the delivery tray; my two quarters are all it takes to doom one of the chocolate-coated confections to a hellish descent into Dante's Inferno. The trip ultimately concludes with a sickening shatter and cello-wrapped package of Butterfinger flakes which do not, I have determined, stay crunchy in chocolate milk. Pity.
The regrettable Yuletide season is upon us like some lecherous co-worker who's had too much to drink at the holiday party. With this storm of predefined experiences and traditions comes the inevitable chorus of Christmas television episodes. Yes, Christmas comes to Melrose Place, much as it came to Blossom, The Simpsons and Rescue 911, but as always, Melrose Place is different.
Each cast member wanders the desolation of their character, seeking some form of consolation for the season. Whether it is co-dependant Billy, deftly trying to put a happy face on internal strife, or fiercely-independent Jo, determined not to let a cheery old man ruin her attitude, the gang gathers 'round the pool to celebrate something; anything. No family, no friends, just the neighbours and the pool. The entire episode was a heroic quest for something approximating the Christmas spirit; a vain attempt to recapture past glory. Or was it a voyeuristic attempt to see through Nikki's innocent eyes?
My closest brush with Christmas came during a shopping trip earlier this week. This is not surprising; my entire life seems to consist of quantum jumps between shopping experiences. I was in the downtown Seattle Bon Marche, feeling like Elijah as the golden escalator bore me up to consumer heaven. For one brief second, I was six again, caught up in the whirlwind of activity at the Eaton Centre in Toronto. Christmas hovered around the periphery with all of its mystery and anticipation. Time crawled.
Yet just as I became aware of the moment, it passed. I became another faceless automaton in a demographic soup of shoppers; each with a singular purpose, each with a similar quest. I heard quarters dropping into the cashbox and wondered when it would be my turn.
Merry Christmas.
- ian
P.S. -- As a present from the Melrose Place Update staff to you, we pledged to deliver this week's Update on time [for a change]. There's that word again...
Twas the night before Christmas and at Melrose Place
Not an actor did stray from the sexual chase.Billy played a quick game of musical beds,
As visions of blonde chicks sashayed through his head.
For Billy was trapped in a boy's fantasy:
Two women, both blonde, lusting for his body.Whither Mandy, the psycho with passion so hot?
Or Allison Parker; hey, she can be bought!
Poor Billy does not know what he will do now,
But ultimately he'll screw things up somehow.Meanwhile Jane had taken enough from Michael
And filled up his sock with a nursemaid from hell.
She tortured and tormented Mikey all day,
Until he cried out "Calgon take me away!"Jane hears Michael's cry and soon shows up a-runnin,
But Robert is pissed and says "Babe, don't try callin'..."
Of course Bob relents and soon everything's cool,
Leaving Michael to watch them suck tongues by the pool.Young Sidney still turns tricks for cash on the side,
With feelings of guilt over how much she's lied.
On Christmas Eve she finally breaks down and cries,
Confessing her sins to a priest; my oh my!The soundtrack wails with infernal vibration,
As Father saves Sid from eternal damnation.
When Lauren drops by, Sid says "I've had enough!"
"I'm no longer hooking; the lying's too tough."Matt Fielding finds Nikki a joy to watch o'er,
Planning parties and fun so the small tyke's ne'er bored.
Sure, he'd like a dog, or perhaps just a cat,
But a kid in the house keeps the taxes down flat.His heart breaks in two when he answers the phone,
It's Katya, in Russia: "Send Nikki on home!"
So he bundles her up while faking true cheer,
And bids her adieu on the plane with a tear.Ah, it's Christmas at Melrose and all things are good,
Nikki has gone home, and Billy has found food.
Jo still has her pictures and Matt has a job,
While Jake can go back to living like a slob.Allison can work till her wee hands are tired,
To keep Amanda from saying "Hey! You're fired!"
Palmer is in jail, he can have no more fun,
And Sidney can now start becoming a nun.Though battles are fought through the rest of the year,
The Yuletide Melrose is brimming with good cheer.
So from all of us at the MP Update,
We wish you the best, hope your Christmas is great...But I heard Bill exclaim as we faded to black,
"May God save my soul, that damned chipmunk is back!"
"Look, look" said Jake.
"See Allison."
"See Allison run."
"Run, Allison, run!""Oh damn!" said Billy.
"Damn, damn, damn!"
"See Allison run."
"See Allison ring our doorbell.""Hide!" cried Jake.
"Hide behind here!"
"Allison will not see you!"
"We will play a game!""Hello!" said Allison.
"Where is Billy?"
"Can he come out and play?""No," said Jake.
"No, no, no!"
"Billy is gone."
"Billy is not here.""Oh," said Allison.
"I will go."
"I will go find Billy."
"Where has he gone? . . .""Heh, heh!" laughed Billy.
"Allison could not see me."
"Allison could not find me."
"Allison is dumb.""I like this game," laughed Jake.
"This game is fun."
"Fun, fun, fun."
So far this season, six cast members have committed crimes (or at least there is enough evidence to convict them). They are:
In addition, Billy could be sued for throwing Steve's computer at the wall and damaging the plaster while Michael certainly has a potential "conflict of interest" suit over Robert's love affair with Jane.
Fox didn't run any teaser ads so chances are there will be no Melrose Place episode next week.
1) Jake's hernia is back. Watch him closely in the "topless" scenes and you can see this ball-shaped lump about the size of a silver dollar on the right side of his stomach. This really showed up in one episode last season, but we could never figure it out...
2) As Billy runs through the airport to catch a Denver flight, the carry-on bag switches back and forth between his hand and his shoulder between shots. And hey; didn't he pass the same guy twice in those crowd scenes?!?!
3) When Nikki opens the Christmas box from her Mom, the foley artist screwed up on synching the sounds to the action. What's up, Tiger Lily?!
4) Billy returns from the airport with enough gifts for everyone at the party even though Michael and Jane were not supposed to be there.
"I always wanted to kiss Santa Claus; that lap sitting never worked for me." - Allison to Billy. Like I could add anything to a line like that?
"Things got a little out of hand last night." - Billy to Amanda as they replaster the walls and order new carpet.
"Bah!" - Jo grumbles.
"Bah," said Scrooge. "Humbug!" - Charles Dickens [John Huffam], "A Christmas Carol", stave 1, 1843.
"The old 'bah, humbug!' routine." - Allison realises there's more of gravy than grave in her snivelling spirit...
"This is about me being half a man and that's not a life: that's a joke." - Michael finally gets the punchline...
"What are you doing here Mancini?!" - Robert gets infected with the Christmas Spirit.
"I'm here for the kid." - Amanda gets infected with the Christmas Spirit.
"You are what's important to me." - Allison to Billy. Well, now that Steve dumped her...
"I didn't have a choice." "There are always choices." - Exchange between Jake and Amanda. Lina and Amanda are right...
"I love you." - Allison, stock phrase #2.
"Billy, please!" "No. The answer's no." - Allison wants Billy back, but he has a different point of view...
"Merry Christmas." - Billy.
"Merry Christmas." - Matt.
"Merry Christmas." - Sidney.
"Merry Christmas." - Jake. Gee, could this be the Christmas episode?!
"There's a solution here." "What? Cut it in half?" - Jo and Allison maybe be good harlots, but Jake is no wise king...
"What annoys me about Britain is the rugged will to lose." - William Camp.
"As for the self pity act; stop it. It annoys me." - Sergeant Colleen takes over command of Her Majesty's 43rd Fighting Mancini Regiment from bleeding-heart Jane.
"I want to tell you a terrific story about oral contraception. I asked this girl to sleep with me and she said 'no'." - Woody Allen.
"Tell me about yourself." - Horny John is a real pervert; he likes to have fantasy sex where he's David Letterman and Sidney is Paul Shaffer. Rimshot please...
"Bless me Father, for I have sinned." - Sidney sinned with her brother-in-law; the ass.
"I've been a complete bastard royal; a smartass as you put it." - Michael to Robert. Wait, there was one more left!
"I'll never forget you, ever." - Nikki sets out on her epic journey as I wipe a tear from my eye and Dr. Ferreud scribbles furiously.
(c) 1993 Ian Ferrell. The Melrose Place Update is published weekly and distributed via electronic mail and the Graces of Internet. Each article contains a summary of that week's Melrose Place episode with analysis and commentary.
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