Welcome to the Melrose Place Update, the only television commentary that's body-heat-activated. Other Updates fade away as the day progresses, only the Melrose Place Update keeps you dry and confident about your viewing habits all day long. When life turns up the heat, the Melrose Place Update turns up the information.
1927 was a relatively boring year. Bob Hope made his first appearance on a Broadway stage in "The Sidewalks of New York". Chiang Kai-Shek's National Revolutionary Army continued its Northern Expedition, capturing Xianghai. Werner Heisenberg explained Pierre Weiss' molecular fields with a strange methodology he called "quantum mechanics". Fidel Castro was born and Mahalia Jackson moved to Chicago, although those two events were probably unrelated. All in all, a relatively boring year outside of a small office nestled in Manhattan, New York.
The office was home to Edward Stratemeyer, owner of a publishing syndicate that bore his name: the Stratemeyer Syndicate. The company achieved modest success in serial fiction, particularly in the children's market. The weather outside may have been dreary and grey, but inside his corner office, Stratemeyer was about to forge a culture for generations to come. On that fateful day, Edward Stratemeyer, or rather, his alter ego Franklin W. Dixon, sashayed into Bayport and stumbled across the quintessential American male youths, Frank and Joe Hardy.
The Hardy Boys adventures followed on the heels of previous heroes like Tom Swift, The Bobbsey Twins and The Rover Boys, but they struck a fictional chord in Depression-era America. Within a year, the first three Hardy Boys books were pouring off bookstore shelves and into the eager hands of children. In 1930, just before his death, Stratemeyer went back into his office and discovered a titian-haired ice goddess named Nancy Drew hiding in his typewriter. The rest is publishing history.
Much has been written on the social and pop culture influences of the Hardy Boys and Nancy Drew. Bobbie Ann Mason wrote a fascinating feminist discourse on Nancy Drew, Carol Billman examined the entire Stratemeyer phenomena, and more recently, the University of Ohio sponsored a Nancy Drew convention. Topics ranged from lesbian imagery in the stories to contemporary language structures stemming from the "Nancy Drew style".
As some of the earliest fiction new readers are exposed to, the books play a key role in shaping the writing styles and stereotypes of the reader. The white male nirvana of the Bobbsey's Lakeport, where ethnic minorities are always second-class and women know their place, shifted to the picture postcards of Bayport and River Heights. Both cities are timeless examples of Lost America, a land where streets are tree-lined and tree-named, where people still walk from place to place; a time when all men wear suits and snap-brim fedoras and only bad people are rude.
The Hardys are boobs, oafs who stumble across the right answer and perpetuate a "might makes right" image; their sleuthing skills are primarily lumped into a fist. Nancy is much smarter, but less clued in to life. Frank and Joe have a social life; Iola Morton and Callie Shaw are always present to relieve sexual tension or hunger pangs. (Dr. Ferreud could spend hours examining the desirable duo's constant habit of doling out cookies and "treats" to Frank and Joe.) Yet Nancy's beau, Ned Nickerson, remains the literary precursor to the Ken doll; an emasculated, asexual male figure used primarily to assure prudish 1930s readers that Nancy may be tough as nails, but she is not a lesbian. Lord knows Ned tried, but Nancy was always one step ahead of him with her pristine virginity locked tightly in grip.
The cast of Melrose Place is too broad for one-to-one comparison with the stories. Katya is probably the closest as the stereotypical "foreign woman in distress" throughout the Nancy Drew series, (for example, "The Clue in the Old Album" or "The Clue in the Crumbling Wall".) Jake and Billy would make good Hardys since they have the looks and lack of brains. Don't ask me about Sidney...
So how do the exploits of Frank and Joe and Nancy fit into Melrose Place? Quite well. Melrose Place is cast in the timeless mold of Stratemeyer's world with its simplistic identification of good and evil and lack of ethnic minorities. There is little parental influence in either genre; the Melrose Place gang lives on their own, while the Hardys and Nancy Drew might as well. Neither group is subject to any maternal control of note. Nancy and Amanda do not have mothers while Billy, Matt and the Hardys deal only with their father; "mother" is a nebulous cloud that hovers, nervous and ineffective at the periphery of action. Food plays a central role in both series; Frank and Joe gorge themselves at every opportunity, Nancy continually gulps tea-cakes and if there is a scene with Billy in the apartment, he is invariably eating or drinking.
This is not to say Melrose Place is a Stratemeyer clone, a rubber stamp of children's serial fiction. Far from it. Melrose Place exists in a reality light years from those sheltered isles. Yet there remains that corner within each of us that yearns to take the next exit on the information highway and end up in Bayport or River Heights. Three generations is not enough to separate us from those tree-lined streets, snap-brim fedoras and a stark sense of right and wrong; from a world where excitement lay behind a cryptic inscription or suspicious character. It is this escapist imprint that connects the two; the underlying sense of discovery and community whether it is a swimming pool or Barmet Bay.
The real bridge, however, comes in Parker Stevenson. He may play hapless computer executive Steve Macmillan in Melrose Place, but he will always be Frank Hardy from the Hardy Boys and Nancy Drew television series, circa 1977. Though I was young at the time, the show managed to typecast a few actors on my fevered brain; Stevenson was one of them. Now if only we can get Shaun Cassidy and Pamela Sue Martin on Melrose Place...
"'I'll guarantee that if I visit here much longer I'll see that those two boys haven't much time for more detecting!' she announced. 'I'll cure 'em, so I will. It's no business at all for boys.'
"'You're welcome to try, Aunt Gertrude,' said Mr. Hardy; 'but I'm afraid you'll never cure my sons of wanting to be detectives. I've set them the example, you see.'
"'More's the pity,' sniffed Aunt Gertrude. 'Why couldn't you have been a plumber? It's safer.'
"'But not as exciting,' said Fenton Hardy." - Franklin W. Dixon, "The Missing Chums", Grosset & Dunlap, 1928.
Golly, that swarthy, sallow-faced fellow over there looks awfully suspicious...
- ian
Yikes! Jane breaks down and lets Michael move back in, Kimberly keels over dead, Billy finally clues Allison in on the royal idiot she is and Sydney sells her soul to the sexual serpent. Seatbelts fastened? Good.
Maniac Mike is still paralyzed, and whines until Matt pulls a few strings to get him into a nursing home. Kimberly finally dies, carving another notch in the tortured psyche of one Dr. Michael Mancini, although he's the first to admit nothing is his fault. Jane instigates the entire collapse of Western civilisation when Matt ropes her into dropping Michael's clothes off at his new "rehabilitation" digs; Matt is too busy finishing up some Clinton health care reform paperwork. Trouble is, Michael doesn't like this arrangement, so he emotionally bludgeons Jane into letting him stay at her apartment. (See Dr. Ferreud for an analysis of her dream sequence.) Needless to say, Wild And Crazy Lawyer Guy Robert is less than enthusiastic about the idea. Jane puts her size 3 foot down, however, and Michael moves in, playing the role of "Job" to its fullest...
Billy and Allison bicker about breaking up. Allison insists that Billy is being stupid about the entire thing, all the while fawning over Steve "My Wallet Is Way Bigger Than Billy's" Macmillan. Billy pouts, whines, grumbles and essentially consoles himself in the fact that he might actually get rid of Allison this time. The best scene has Billy pulling a groin muscle trying to lift Steve's "computer" and throw it at their apartment wall in a fit of righteous indignation. I swear that same computer was on the USS Enterprise back in the 1960s.
Sidney decides having sex can't be that bad if she gets paid for it and joins Lauren's Lascivious League of Ladies for Lovelorn Lechers. Trouble is, effusive Sidney can't keep her mouth shut during sex, and she's not moaning. After a few customers chew her out for her nasty habit of coitus chattus, she learns her lesson and shuts up. Seductive Sid can't keep her mouth shut, though, when Roger the Weirdo pops over for a quickie with his favourite, non-Fisher Price toys.
Sid walks out after lecturing Roger on Just What People Can And Can't Do In Bed. Lauren finds out and nearly crucifies Sidney in Shooter's, warning the Un-Happy Hooker that thumbscrews are still in fashion for Costive Call-Girls who try to flush their Johns.
Oh, and at the last moment, Katya runs back to Russia to help her dad and leaves Nikki with Matt. I guess Michael Jackson was on his tour by then and unable to baby-sit...
Good day! Although I am still on a brief hiatus, I simply must write about Jane's dream images as her sweating brain meandered over the possibility of letting Michael back into the apartment. The images and underlying psychosexual archetypes are astounding.
The dream, mainly in black and white except for a few splashes of colour, showed Michael in his wheelchair, struggling to summon aid before falling to the ground in despair. The wheelchair indicates Jane's internal view of Michael as impotent and powerless. Since he has hurt her with his sexual antics in the past, her subconscious has transformed him into a helpless child. The maternal implications are damning when examined next to Jane's past.
Jane lost her first child with Michael. The emotional trauma was extraordinary, particularly after Michael placed so much of the blame for the miscarriage on her. Jane subsequently loses a dog; a dog Michael bought for her TO REPLACE THE CHILD, inciting further rebuke. Jane exhibits a traumatic neuroses, substituting objects and individuals through an egoistic transference for her child. To Jane, Michael is now the Child, the Child she has lost many times and now may lose again. His previous sins are washed away for no mother can hold her Child culpable; a Child she imagines to keep leaving her for no reason. Each time, she externally attempts to keep the Child, while internally losing it.
For a brief second as Michael is falling, we hear a klaxon in the background. The klaxon is a nautical sound, generally indicating a ship is sinking or a submarine is descending. I do not need to elaborate on the obvious sexual connotations in a submarine descending silently into the waters. Again we see reproductive metaphors, indications of conception and birth. The sinking ship analogy highlights the Freudian symbol of the ship as indicating female sex organs, thus continually losing the Child threatens Jane's self-worth as a human, a woman, and a mother. Her confidence and individuality is sinking.
Michael falls and cries out for the nurse, yet no nurse comes to his assistance. Jane is the nurse, and in her dream she abandons him again. The trauma of her role as failed care- giver is obvious, as is the symbolism of the only two colours in the dream: red and blue. Both are symbols of anguish, red for blood and pain, blue for emotional distress. Jane is a very tortured woman and her suffering should send a warning to all parents who insist on a rigourous toilet-training program for their children.
A pleasant day to all of you! My name is Warren Cooper and I manage the Melrose Place Fund, a specialty mutual fund based on the financial indicators of Melrose Place. Some of you may be skeptical in trusting your nest egg to the economic barometer of a television show; those of you are referred to a historical comparison of Fidelity's Magellan Fund and the broadcast period of "Dallas".
As background, I received my MBA in Telecinematic Finance from the Tuck School of Business, and a Doctorate in Creative Economics from the Ronald Reagan School of Supply-Side Theory at Harvard University. My thesis was "Winning One For The Gipper: United States Monetary Policy in the Period 1980-1988". I have long maintained the predictive nature of popular television, and Melrose Place is no exception to my theory.
This episode revealed several strong market indicators. The first indicator lies in the health-care sector. Michael's internment outlined several ills within the health-care industry: poor facilities, lack of support staff and high-priced medical supplies. Matt's attempts to transfer Michael to a specialty- care provider suggest a renewed vigor among this previously- overpriced group. Look also at providers concentrating on home-care solutions; the proposed Clinton health plan contains valuable tax deferments for this niche market. My favourites are "Wilshire Extenda-Care" and the "Glenview Rehabilitation Network".
Another indicator lies in the complex interplay between Steve Macmillan's technology industry, Allison's work in advertising communications, and Billy's job as media content generator. Their complex interrelationship is incredibly confusing, reflecting the reality of technology and media companies. The convoluted alliances and takeovers between these industries can overwhelm, leaving the investor feeling much like Michael Jackson in a boy's school. Melrose Place has not provided a clear signal of where these changes are leading. Spelling Entertainment itself had 54% of its shares purchased by the Blockbuster Entertainment group, bringing the Melrose Place gang under the same corporate wing as Republic Pictures, Virgin Entertainment, the Florida Marlins baseball team, the Florida Panthers NHL hockey franchise, and the Blockbuster movie rental chain. Blockbuster's recent investment, to the tune of $600 million, in Viacom throws it square into the Viacom / Paramount Communications takeover fray. Viacom, you will remember, is the parent corporation of the MTV and Nickelodeon Networks, as well as the owner of a substantial library of nostalgic CBS network television shows. Pending further indications, this analyst will flip a coin.
Katya's return trip to Russia indicates a timely shift toward international investing, particularly in the Russian republics. Her concern for personal safety in not lost on this investment counselor; the current political and economic instability bodes danger for the ill-advised investor. My pick? Nosterovia Industries, an exciting corporation in Yekaterinburg with extensive mineral and timber holdings and a broad manufacturing base. Nosterovia stands to reap big gains as Russia rebuilds her shattered infrastructure. Those wanting to diversify their international holdings would be wise to invest in a mutual fund that specializes in Eastern European stocks.
Fox dumps Melrose and the Pimple-heads in Beverly Hills for the Billboard "Self-Promotion" Awards this week.
The following week Allison discovers what it feels like to get dumped like RAM chips on a foreign market while Jake and Amanda decide they talk too much for the relationship to work. Billy figures computer dating kinda worked for Allison; it might work for him. The FBI starts playing really loud rock music outside Palmer Woodward's Avanti scam operation after recruiting a theologian to interpret Jake's monosyllabic grunts. Sidney will wear those obnoxious demi-cup tops that look terrible on her and I have a sneaking suspicion Michael might try to take advantage of someone...
Don't miss it for the world!
When Sidney walks out on Roger Langdon and his Bucket O' Toys, she flips him a quarter. Where did the quarter come from? Do we want to know?
I screwed up a few musical references in previous Updates. The AC/DC line "Help me, help me please" is actually from "Shake Your Foundations" not "You Shook Me All Night Long". And last week's reference to Aerosmith's "Livin' On The Edge" where I badmouthed their lack of originality in songwriting is from the terribly-recycled album "Get A Grip".
Heartfelt apologies go out to all the discriminating and sensitive fans of AC/DC and Aerosmith who I have hurt with these blatantly inconsiderate errors; my musical knowledge hits the floor everytime I cut my hair...
"The gift that guilt bought." - Billy pegs down a title for "The Allison Parker Story". She was a whining woman, caught up in a love triangle until that fateful night when she came home to an empty house. Starring a raft of lame TV movie actors including Lindsay Wagner, Valerie Bertinelli, Daniel J. Travanti, and Tony Danza as "Billy, the Hen-Pecked Goober"...
"There's the door, if you're not happy, use it." - Jake trills a love ballad to Sweet William. Where *did* I put that sequencer?!?
"I'm a captain of industry who takes long lunch breaks." - Ken to Sidney. Either the writers smoke pot, or one of them has an axe to grind...
"Welcome back, the dreams were your ticket out. Welcome back, it's the same old place you used to dream about." - Theme song from "Welcome Back Kotter" circa a time when John Travolta had a promising career.
"Welcome back." - Billy ponders getting an afro and wearing a lot of corduroy.
"There's no use trying," Alice said: "one can't believe impossible things." - Lewis Carroll, [Charles Dodgson] "Through the Looking- Glass", chapter 5, 1872.
"The liar's punishment is not in the least that he is not believed, but that he cannot believe anyone else." - George Bernard Shaw.
"I can't believe you." - Allison lets Billy know he's a god in her book of half- truths...
"Relax, you're quite safe here." - The Art of Noise, "Paranoimia" from the compact disc "In Visible Silence". 1987.
"Turn of the lights, take a deep breath and relax." - Enigma, intro to "Mea Culpa" from the "Mea Culpa" EP. 1991.
"Relax, you're with friends." - Levi's "Dockers" corporate slogan circa 1992.
"Just relax." - Ken soothes Sidney while dropping his all-cotton, shrink- like-hell Dockers to the floor...
"I don't have all the answers." - Michael to Jane as he starts down the long road to recovery.
"I can't believe you're someone who pays for sex." - Sidney to Ken; Michael's broke, he has to survive on freebies.
"Yea." - Amanda to Jake.
"Huh?" - Amanda to Jake.
"Why don't you come over for dinner tonight; I'll throw in some lengthy conversation." - Amanda to Jake. He's starting to rub off on her.
"Jane! [Heh], [heh], I thought I was dreaming." - Michael spins a scam. Sleep is the last thing Michael thinks of in bed.
"Pizza's hard to beat." - Jake the Rubber Band Boy reminds Amanda that he is adaptable.
"I'm on your side." - Jo to Sidney seconds before her chest explodes. You don't see people on Melrose Place selling each other out, do you?
"The man [Michael] is a snake!" - Robert to Jane. Hmmm... No parallel sentence structures here.
"It's just something I have to do." - Jane crosses a personal Rubicon without her Water Wings. Melrose Place is rife with Calvinist predeterminism.
"I can't compete." - Billy folds his tent and goes home a wiser, better, richer man. His grave was named Allison...
"What's going on?" - Sidney descends into another Melrose pit of Calvinist predeterminism and angst, circa 2026. She's just a cog in the wheel...
(c) 1993 Ian Ferrell. The Melrose Place Update is published weekly and distributed via electronic mail and the Graces of Internet. Each article contains a summary of that week's Melrose Place episode with analysis and commentary.
Melrose Place Update is an all-digital production. There is no hiss. Analogue copies of previous Melrose Place Updates are available.
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