Welcome to the Melrose Place Update, the only Update with the moisturizing power of aloe! Hi, I'm Joan Lunden with a Skin Science Bulletin from the Melrose Place Update. While I have no technical expertise to recommend the product I'm hawking, my sales pitch lends credibility because people trust me. The scientists at the Melrose Place Update blended exotic petroleum products and aloe to peddle as a brain moisturizing commentary that doesn't leave your mind feeling greasy. The Melrose Place Update: better living and softer skin through science!
Normally, this spot is reserved for philosophical comment; a weekly exploration of something totally-unrelated to Melrose Place, save in the warped reality of its writer, that might end up swallowing its own tail. Unfortunately, and most regrettably, that writer sold his soul to the matrimonial devil this week, and told us to write our own philosophical diatribe; he was going on a honeymoon...
Therefore, in the spirit of Ian's eternal quest for circularity, we humbly reprint selected excerpts from his office library:
"There was a pile of bills of lading waiting on my desk, and I had to go through them all. Before leaving for lunch I washed my hands. I always enjoyed doing this at midday. In the evening it was less pleasant, as the roller towel, after being used by so many people, was sopping wet. I once brought this to my employer's notice. It was regrettable, he agreed -- but, to his mind, a mere detail."
- Albert Camus, "The Stranger", Alfred A. Knopf, Inc. American edition, 1946. p30.
"Is your bathroom breeding Bolsheviks? Employees lose respect for a company that fails to provide decent facilities for their comfort."
- Scott Tissue Towels advertising poster, circa 1950. Posted on office wall.
"Beware! In the excitatory state that the Beatles place these youngsters into, they are preparing our teenagers for riot and ultimate revolution. 'The drum is the key' -- Ringo Starr. These young people will do anything that they are told to do... One day when the revolution is ripe, the Communists could put the Beatles on and they could mass hypnotize the American youth."
- McCarthy-esque rhetoric, from handbill posted on office wall. original ca. 1965.
"The 'artistic' critique of the music business forms an important theme in the construction of star-texts, and is often used to establish new artists -- for instance in Paula Abdul's 'Cold Hearted', which portrays record company executives as out of touch with a popular culture that only Paula Abdul and her musicians and dancers (of course) understand."
- Andrew Goodwin, "Dancing in the Distraction Factory: Music Television and Pop Culture." University of Minnesota Press, 1992. p115.
"The need to confront environments with a certain antisocial power, is manifest in the famous story, 'The Emperor's New Clothes.' 'Well-adjusted' courtiers, having vested interests, saw the Emperor as beautifully appointed. The 'antisocial' brat, unaccustomed to the old environment, clearly saw that the Emperor 'ain't got nothin' on.' The new environment was clearly visible to *him*."
- Marshall McLuhan, "The Medium is the Massage", [emphasis from original], Bantam Books, 1967. p88.
"Your movie camera, which exists to preserve life and not to destroy it would far prefer that they merely go about their business... while you record their activities in movies. And all that is vitally necessary to accomplish this is to keep in mind that your camera uses *movie film* which, although it takes but one scene at a time, *shows them consecutively*."
- "How to Make Good Movies", [emphasis from original], a Kodak Corporation publication, circa 1952. p62.
"One of the paradoxes of intense stress on visual experiences is that it results in fragmentation. It is paradoxical because the visual mode, of itself, in isolation, engenders a space which is uniform and continuous and connected. The reason that high visual stress leads to fragmentation of experience seems to be that sight has the unique power to capture *single aspects* of space in brief moments of time. The other senses cannot duplicate this feat."
- Marshall McLuhan and Harley Parker, "Through The Vanishing Point", [emphasis from original], Harper and Row, first edition, 1968. p11.
"The magistrate led off by remarking that I had the reputation of being a taciturn, rather self-centred person, and he'd like to know what I had to say to that. I answered: 'Well, I rarely have anything much to say. So naturally, I keep my mouth shut.' He smiled as on the previous occasion and agreed that that was the best of reasons. 'In any case,' he added, 'it has little or no importance.'"Agony is in the eye of the beholder. Ex cathedra.
- Albert Camus, "The Stranger", Alfred A. Knopf, Inc. American edition, 1946. p82.
- Patrick
Thanksgiving descended on Melrose Place this week like a large, flightless bird. Kimberly hung on to a plot line by the slimmest thread while Jake discovers a secret that fills him with dread. No, it has nothing to do with Amanda cooking; read on!
Kimberly remains in the Beeping and Pinging Room as Michael desperately searches for people to blame his problems on. Matt is filled with intense angst over changing Michael's blood alcohol measurements and confides this to Mikey who goes ballistic in his typical "Jekyll / Hyde" fashion.
The tension explodes when Kimberly's Mom, [Marion Shaw] drops by the hospital to pick up her vegetating daughter and crucify Turnip-Head Michael for all he did. Michael, always a cool head under pressure, takes the Tongue-Lashing in stride and sulks with a surly glare.
Jane and Sidney duel it out over the holiday festival. Sidney extends the first olive branch, suggesting that she and Jane have a family Thanksgiving, a la some tear-jerking episode of "Sisters". Jane blows the idea out of the Shallow Wading Pool that is Sidney's mind, and plans to spend the time with Robbie the Robot Lawyer in Santa Barbara.
Unfortunately, Santa Barbara is chock-full of angry, dark matter physicists taking final exams this time of year and Jane is guilt-ridden over her decision, so she relents and offers to take Sidney along.
Spelling is clever, however, and he's read Romeo and Juliet, not to mention a wee bit o' O. Henry, so he cleverly weaves Sidney back into the High-Priced Hooker Plot. It seems that Lauren has a spare turkey or two hanging around the Pad O' Prurient Pleasure, and wants Sid to drop by; they're all one, big sex-for-cash family. [Cue in scene of Dan Quayle choking to death on his low-fat glass of milk in the Quayle family Barcalounger.] Sex-for-cash families just aren't natural, luckily they've escaped Pat Robertson's eagle-eye... Sidney goes to the Hooker House, Jane sighs and rolls her eyes and Robert looks ineffective and pasty in his bad perm.
Billy and Allison drone on in their high-flying love affair. Circuit Stud Steve shot a few Rounds O' Love into Willy and Al's motor and their Care plane is starting to smoke and sputter. Billy, usually the Man to Leap to the Controls and fight for direction, is rummaging around in the back, probably looking for his Celia parachute.
And in yet another story (I need a chalk board to diagram this) Jake figures out that Palmer Woodward is dinking around with the restored car business. Seems the Rosy-cheeked Palmer has been yanking his customers for authentic sedans, not the cheap knock-offs he's really peddling. Things nearly come to a head when Palmer catches Jake going through his drawers, but Jake plays dumb like a natural and gets off. Then the FBI comes knocking and Jake finds himself butt-deep in a Mental Quandary.
But hey! It's Thanksgiving, and everyone takes a little time out to get hammered and eat dry bird meat. Go figure.
[We at the Melrose Place Update are pleased to re-introduce the eminent British archaeologist, Dr. Flinders Petrie-Dish. Dr. Petrie-Dish and his faithful assistant Jennings amazed readers last year with their archaeological discoveries and have just returned from their dig near the Dead Sea with more astonishing news!]
Good day. Recently, while excavating a centuries-old camel barn in Bag-er-uck-el-Fazzad Ha! my assistant Jennings and I discovered an ancient catacomb beneath the construction. One of the rooms contained a number of empty stone sarcophagi. Empty, that is, except for a small clay jar containing several papyrus scrolls.
The scrolls were written in a hybrid lexicon of First Century (C.E.) Aramaic and traditional Greek, with marginal notes in Latin. We believe the stories contained in the scrolls describe an ancient civilisation that developed around the camel barn. Precise dating is impossible, although we are working on it.
Evidently, there was once a spring that fed a small pool around which the barn was built; primarily as a way station for travelers. Jennings, a noted Aramaic scholar in his own right, and positively snapping in his mastery of archaic Greek has translated several of the fragments. Regrettably, Jennings has spent far too much time reading ancient texts, so his mastery of English is approximately 400 years behind our contemporary lexicon.
Being a regular reader of the Melrose Place Update, however, I was shocked and amazed when I saw what Jennings had transcribed:
2) For the Place was a Holy Place, the most Holy of all Places for The Place was its name and Holy was this Place, so decreeth the Lord.
3) These are the generations of The Place. In the beginning there was Aaron the Speller who begat Merr-ill the Seaman who begat Roarke the Purveyor of All that is Fantastic and Wonder Full who begat Blaake the Dynastic who begat Brandun the Sideburned who begat Bil-Baruk the Quill.
4) Now Bil-Baruk the Quill was a man persecuted by the Lord, and didst suffer terribly under this persecution.
5) For the Lord hadst appeared unto him, saying,
6) Verily Bil-Baruk, stand in awe for thou art a shrewish man and thine fornication upon the land hast displeased me for I am a Just God, albeit easily angered. Verily, I shall send a Pestilence upon your land and upon your house and upon your loins, and the Pestilence shall be called El-al-Eson for I am the Lord thy God and my Anger boils over as a lentil pot left on the fire.
7) Thus didst Bil-Baruk the Quill suffer the wrath of God for 40 days and 40 nights, and he didst wander the streets of The Place in sackcloth and ashes, and his body didst suffer pussy sores which didst ooze, and he didst tear his hair and smote his breast crying out unto God saying,
8) Oh Lord, pray deliver thine humble servant up from under Your Just, albeit mildly petulant wrath. Behold the stench which thine servant doth spread upon the land. Though I have sinned against Thee, twas the Woman's fault for she tempted me to lie with her.
9) Behold, the Woman was a wanton vixen, given to all manner of demonic temptation.
10) Verily she didst adorn herself with all manner of gold as all the heathen do.
11) Verily she didst wrap herself with all manner of silks as all the heathen do.
12) Verily, her breasts did dance upon thy humble servant's mind as all breasts do.
13) Now it came to pass that as the Lord looked down from upon high He didst feel pity for Bil Baruk the Quill sending a wind from on High. And the Wind didst encircle the Pestilence and bore it upon its shoulders, carrying the noisome Pestilence away, never more to be seen.
14) And so it was done.
15) And so didst Bil-Baruk rejoice, crying out to his house and manservants and maidservants and all within The Place saying I hast been delivered up by the Lord our God who, albeit petulant at times, seeth mine anguish and torment and feelest pity toward me. Thou hast put gladness in mine heart for I am free as the bird which soareth o'er the plain.
16) And so didst Bil-Baruk build an altar unto the Lord and didst write there upon the stones a copy of the law which he hadst broken and Bil-Baruk the Quill swore to never again lie with the demon Woman.
17) And Ammon-Da didst that day kill the fatted bird, crying
18) Verily, as Bil-Baruk hast been delivered up from under the Pestilence which the Lord our God hast so rightfully sent down upon him and his house and his loins which roam the land as an ox seeking a ripe cow, so shall we all join together in praise and song unto the Lord.
19) And they didst fetch the timbral and zither and lyre and psaltery and lute and making all manner of noise unto the Lord Bil Baruk didst pluck of the lyre, and sing of the glories of his deliverance for God was truly a just God, although still a petulant and quick to anger God.
20) And the Lord God didst casteth His gaze down toward the land, and all that lay under his dominion, saying
21) Verily, verily, as the cock returneth to roost on the eaves and as the sheep returneth to the shepherd when the sun descendeth beyond the far hill and as the fly flockest to the dung heap, so too shall Bil-Baruk returneth to his loathsome lust.
22) Verily, verily, as the thunder so followeth the light and as the river floweth down until it joins the sea and as the fig tree doth turn its leaves to the sun so too shall I summon the noisome Pestilence to smite Bil-Baruk in his hour of greatest need.
23) And the Lord, a just Lord though a tad petty, didst smirk upon high.
24) And all was good in The Place.
1) Agent Hill accosts Jake at the shop, then drags him back to a bustling FBI building for intensive questioning. All this occurs on Thanksgiving day; a federal holiday...
2) When Lauren says grace for the Thanksgiving meal, only one or two characters close their eyes. Like she said, one big happy, trusting, family...
"Oooh, Thanksgiving with Amanda! I didn't know she had an oven." - Billy serves up Amanda on a platter with the best Melrose Place line I have heard in a very long time. If they did this all the time, I'd be out of a job.
"If you're gone when I get back; yea, this is how it ends." - Billy to Allison. Fade to foggy London street and a driving disco beat...
"You completely ignored me." - Allison. Billy is finally getting calluses in his ears...
"No evidence; no one can convict you!" - Michael revives the "Checkers" speech for Matt.
"What the hell is going on?!" - Sidney to Lauren.
"What are you doing, Jake?" - Palmer Woodward catches Jake with his hand in the cookie jar. Doh!
"This isn't a quick trick operation." - Lauren defends herself with a line sounding suspiciously like the Microsoft PSS mission statement.
"Carl wasn't paying you to come to his house, he was paying you to leave." - Lauren to Sidney. Odd, I usually get paid to leave when I drop by a friend's house, but casual sex is never in the equation...
"We're family here; we love each other and take care of each other." - Lauren placates Sidney with the words carved over the gates to Michael Jackson's "Neverland". Bedtime kiddies!
"We're still family." "Not anymore." - Sidney and Jane clash as the writers woefully set up the most obvious analogy in weeks. As analogies go, this was a lowered, hot-pink with day-glo trim, 1969 Cadillac Eldorado that blew through the script belching smoke and an irritating scraping sound. No sir, never saw it coming...
"You made it!" - Amanda congratulates Jake for forming a complete sentence without external prompting or assistance and flips him an animal cracker.
"I did it!" - Billy schmoozes for an animal cracker.
"I could tell you what I'm working on, but then I would have to kill you." - Microsoft internal slogan for "Haiku", the Modular Windows project, ca. 1992.
"What kinda deals?" "If I knew, I couldn't tell you." - Amanda pries and Jake lies.
"I shipped them a week ago." - Allison to the Aether. Sure.
"Sometimes he's [Palmer's] very vulnerable." - Amanda revises history. OK, her Dad is still a threat around the Jacuzzi, but he may show up in a lace- trimmed Merry Widow...
"Livin' on the edge..." - Aerosmith. I can't remember which album it's from; like Aerosmith has released a "new" album with original songs in the past 20 years?!?!
"It must be quite exciting living on the edge..." - Palmer Woodward ponders painting his body and stretching his lips to unheard of lengths. Maybe then he'll head to the hot tub...
"I miss you and I love you." - In contrast, Billy, sobbing to Allison, makes a mental note to have "I'm the stupidest fool who ever lived" tattooed on his butt.
"She doesn't send me love notes though email." - Billy updates the old saw to keep pace with the 90s.
"You lied to me." - Sidney lets Ellen what she thinks about Carl Canin's "Great Reward".
"It's my job." - Allison. She does her job, and then some...
"You still came." "I came because it's work." - Steve and Allison. Where's Sidney?
"Can we talk?" - Amanda to Jake.
"I'm sorry for what I said." - Amanda apologizes to Jake, unaware that the English language drips off him like water off a duck's back.
"Allison, Billy was right." - Steve, "Computer Geek", believes in redundant system design.
(c) 1993 Ian Ferrell. The Melrose Place Update is published weekly and distributed via electronic mail and the Graces of Internet. Each article contains a summary of that week's Melrose Place episode with analysis and commentary.
Melrose Place Update is an all-digital production. There is no hiss. Analogue copies of previous Melrose Place Updates are available.
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