Welcome to the Melrose Place Update, the only television commentary with "wings". Other commentary can slide around or bunch up at the most inopportune time. That's because the other commentary is designed by men, the thoughtless bastards! Only the Melrose Place Update has "wings" that wrap around your head, ensuring complete understanding and protection of your thoughts when it matters most. And our sleek, thin design and discreet packaging means only you'll know when you're reading it. The Melrose Place Update: designed by women who know what it feels like to be a bored technology industry employee.
I walked by a young lady yesterday; fortunately, this did not violate any of my current restraining orders. I cannot remember who it was or what she looked like for the very smell of her transported me thousands of miles away and back in time. The young lady reeked of a certain perfume much as a long-forgotten girlfriend did ages ago and for that brief whisper of time, I sat in the reality of her kitchen and conspired to torment her rat-like, yappy dog.
My Ronald Reagan experience was not unique. In the early 1900's, Wilder Penfield, a neurosurgeon in Montreal, started tickling brain surgery patients with electricity. He noticed that stimulating different locations of the brain awakened different memories; patients would relive the experiences as though they were there. A generation of science fiction authors leapt at the concept like Michael Mancini set loose in a girl's school, concocting all manner of bizarre disembodied brain narratives.
The "brain in a tank" paradox has been around since Descartes tried to outline what humans could hold as fundamental truths. Descartes felt that the act of thinking guaranteed reality; he would not accept the notion that thought could be generated outside the body. Penfield's experiments exploded this myth. If experiences and memories were transmitted through electrical impulses, how could we be sure reality was real? The paradox remains: there is no way to prove that we exist as human beings, that we are not some brain stuck in a big fish tank and fed predetermined "memories" and experiences.
Alternate realities are an elusive and seductive concept. A co- worker of mine at Microsoft spent a tremendous amount of time designing a "pod world" virtual environment; the ultimate heaven for the self-actualized couch potato. Star Trek: The Pepsi Generation has the "holodeck" with its user-defined reality. Countless other movies and pop culture vehicles have sped along the virtual reality path until it is now a multi-lane superhighway replete with Comfort Inn billboards and a McDonald's at every exit.
Madison Avenue uses alternate realities every day as it sells images of "Lost America"; a nation that will never exist, save in the minds of aspiring Yuppie-wannabe consumers. The picket fence and suburban house are long gone despite revisionist attempts to create them with mini-vans and John Bradshaw jelly. Families do not eat dinner together on Elm Street, Father puffing godlike on a pipe and Mother demurely serving a glazed ham. Johnny does not excitedly talk about baseball while Mary gushes about the new boy down the street. That reality is lost in a fragrant wisp of nostalgia.
McLuhan spoke extensively about reality, holding that social stress heralded from one cultural "reality" giving way to another. Generation gaps, he said, were just manifestations of two realities clashing; my parent's vision of reality is so far from mine, I sometimes wonder if I was adopted by aliens. In the electric society, reality can change over night; the "loss of innocence" each of us experiences is nothing more than a reality redefinition. Reality is where you make it.
Damn it! There is nothing more obnoxious than someone tapping on the side of your tank...
- ian
Dr. Michael Mancini's "World Tour Of Love" hits a wall this week as he drives his car off the road seconds after proposing to Kimberly. Oops! Sidney discovers that some people actually pay to have sex with other people, and Billy learns a parallel lesson: the guy with the most money eventually gets the babe...
Michael The Gland is in a dreadful emotional state over losing Kimberly and spends the first half of the episode concocting clever schemes to ask the Fair Maiden out. When Kimmie relents, Michael takes her to a swanky restaurant and liquors her up until she is drunk enough to go home with him. (Michael never lets ethics get in the way of a Night On The Swing.)
On the trip home, Michael (drunk) asks Kimberly (hammered) to marry him. After some (zero) thought, Kimberly (hammered) says "Yes" ("I'll regret it when I'm sober") and Michael (in shock that it was so easy), runs the car off a bridge. Ignoring the emergency vehicles arriving seconds after the accident occurs, Michael ("I may be drunk, but I'm a doctor!") realizes Kimberly is pretty messed up. At the hospital, Michael toots off to the Agony and Bandaging room while Kimberly is whisked to the Beeping and Pinging Machines room. On the way, Michael hears John Law ask for Michael's blood records; alcohol is suspected in the accident!
When Michael regains consciousness, he emotionally bludgeons Matt to lower the blood alcohol readings in the computer. Matt, the ever-faithful and ever-stupid friend, trucks on down to the lab and casually changes the measurement on a Mac LC. [I'll leave sarcastic comments about the user interface for Technology Man.] A bunch of people drop by the hospital to Wring Their Hands and agree that Accidents Are Terrible Things But At Least It Was Michael, The Heartless Boob. End story with Kimberly sitting on Damocles' lap in the Beeping and Pinging Machines room.
Sidney stayed on the "live fast, burn fast, slim fast" L.A. lifestyle this week, attending a high-priced call girl party with a co-worker, Ellen, who is one of the "It'll Cost Ya" dates. Sid, aka "Miss Innocent", is unaware that anyone would have prurient interests in her and plays dumb with infinite ease. She attracts the attention of Carl Canin, the cliched Hollywood director who spends Too Much Time on the Casting Couch. Carl enlists Lauren, a thinly-veiled but infinitely-better-looking copy of Hooking Heidi Fleiss, to snag the Virginal Vixen for his Harem O' Hanky-Panky.
Lauren befriends Sidney, the Country Bumpkin who is Wide- Eyed With Amazement at the L.A. Scene. Later, Ellen drags Sid on a double-date with Carl and some other schmuck. Sidney ends up at Carl's Fantasy House Of Love where she learns about the Admission Fee. Fortunately, Sidney is a Girl of Principle and Honour and will not Bend For A Friend. Fade to black as the Melrose Place Guitarist wails a mournful tune and Sidney chases her Innocence down the driveway. Gripping drama you'll never see on The Love Boat. (Well, there was that scene with Vicki and Doc...)
Soap opera freaks (no, I am not one!) will recognize Carl as "Patch" from "Days of Our Lives". Evidently one DOOL alumnus is not enough; Lauren was "Hope" on DOOL and showed up in the recent "Baywatch" cliffhanger. Hmmm... Killed on DOOL after being locked in a big bird cage and dipped in boiling oil; guest-starred on "Baywatch"; appeared on "Melrose Place" as a high-priced hooker: Lauren has quite a resume.
Amazingly-enough, Billy and Allison argued this week! Wow! Billy is still pissed about the Steve/Allison arrangement, and justifiably so. When Billy drops by Allison's office, email from Steve arrives at her computer, [Hey! It's a Mac LC, just like the hospital! Imagine that!]. Billy reads the message and Is Not Amused at Steve's soulful declaration of adoration. Rest assured that the Melrose Place Update team is searching for Allison's Internet address...
Gracious me, this was quite the episode for trysts and trials! Michael's inability to rationalize his deep-seated maternal complex throws a spanner into his mental works while Sidney experiences a shocking introduction to the realities of life.
In the primary story line, Michael, or Tradition, still cannot deal with the constant refusal of Kimberly (Ambition) to succumb to his demands. Tradition needs Ambition for without her he cannot succeed in his environment. Tradition is naturally without Ambition, and cannot generate her force internally. Spelling uses the common image of the sexual contract to denote Tradition's ham-handed attempts to subjugate and manipulate Ambition. Tradition sees in Ambition the maternal forces of Guidance and Support; forces he can use to assert his beliefs.
Notice that Sidney (Immaturity) still desires Tradition; she too is trapped within an environment she cannot comprehend, and views Tradition as the medium through which she can gain control over her destiny. Her story is analogous to the parable of the Prodigal Son; Sidney wants Freedom and Control without paying the prices each person must pay. By jettisoning herself into a worldly arena, Immaturity leaves herself a delectable morsel open to worldly appetites. Freedom plays a vital role, as symbolized by the Car. Carl, who we will examine in a moment, is an "expert" driver, he knows how to rein the power of Freedom. Immaturity is unable to control Freedom and pays a dear price for this miscalculation. She must return to her sister and acknowledge her sin if she is ever to succeed.
Carl Canin is an interesting name for this Hollywood pervert. Carl is a variation of Charles, a name descendent from the Franco-Germanic term for "man". Canin is a clever homonym for "Canine" or "dog-like". In Carl, Spelling reflects a modern, feminist view of the "dog-like man", the man whose only thoughts are selfish and rest on power, control and sex. Carl seeks younger girls, the weak and easily swayed women who he can control. He truly is a doglike man.
As for Lauren, her name is a variant of Laurel, and reflects Spelling's knowledge of Greek mythological symbolism. Laurel hails from the Greek "Daphne" who was a nymph, daughter of the river god Peneus. She is commonly known as the goddess of the hunt; a title befitting a Purveyor of Prostitution. Daphne was turned into a bush (the Daphne, or Laurel, bush) when Apollo made unwelcome advances toward her. Spelling appears to suggest Lauren suffered childhood trauma and as such, deserves sympathy and should not be considered fully accountable for her actions.
Spelling evokes a constant, primarily Protestant feeling of helplessness in the episode. Each character struggles against Herculean tasks, commonly caused by his own ineptness and internal sin. The vision is extremely apocalyptic and depressing. Spelling acknowledges the Protestant view of sexual promiscuity as sinful and deserving punishment. In Tradition's case, the sin is great and he must pay dearly for it. Yet Ambition, the female in the tryst, pays an even greater price for her sin. Spelling reveals an element of sexual discrimination here, another bow to the Protestant view of Woman as Temptress and Instigator of Original Sin. Protestant sexual purity holds a higher value for women than for men; women are whores, men are playful little boys. Sidney is an exception: she escapes with a light punishment for she, by definition, is Immaturity and little is expected of her.
An interesting aside is in the use of marriage metaphors within the car accident context. Michael has just proposed marriage to Kimberly in the car when the accident occurs. Remember that a car or travel is seen as Freedom within our context. Hence, Spelling can be seen describing an inherent and tragic loss of freedom within the bonds of marriage. Ambition is "trapped" within the car after accepting the proposal while Tradition survives. It is a shocking and disturbing image, particularly as one of my honourable associates at the Update prepares to enter into a matrimonial contract; may God Herself help his deluded soul.
As always, I am available for consultation, should the need arise.
Billy rejoices as Allison frees him to date a real woman.
Jo rejoices as she learns about microwave cooking technology.
Matt rejoices as the writers finally throw him a line or two.
Everyone gathers around a Thanksgiving turkey of an episode and wonders how so few people can have so many sexual partners without contracting a rash. At least the gang has something to be thankful for...
Technology Man drops by the Update office to analyze the sad state of technology at Melrose Place and Professor Flinders Petrie-Dish reports on his archaeological discoveries at an ancient Jordanian settlement known only as "El Place".
Don't miss it for the world!
1) Why does Robert, aka "Jane's New Stud Lawyer Man" always enter every scene from Jane's bedroom while tying his tie? Are the writers trying to suggest he keeps all of his ties at her house?
2) "Here are the proofs; these have been color-corrected." - Jo to Allison, handing her a sheaf of paper. Nice quote, but too bad Jo always photographs in black and white...
3) Okay, I'm not a doctor, but if Kimberly is as close to death as the writers would have us believe, how could Jane sashay in to look at her? Why isn't Kimberly in ICU? Why is the engagement ring still on her finger?
Come to think of it, why didn't Jane just pull the plug?
If only Michael had been driving a black 1967 Olds...
"How can you be so heartless and cold?!" - Sidney berates Jane. I feel a bout of urban angst coming on...
"I'll get a drink. Why don't you take your clothes off and get comfortable..." - Carl woos Sidney with romantic patter as Jake furiously takes notes. Carl is the Dice-man's twin brother...
"I've got fresh-squeezed O.J." - Jane does her best Anita Bryant impersonation. Matt better watch his butt...
"I'm tired and I can't take this anymore." - Kimberly to Michael.
"A platitude is a truth we are tired of hearing." - Sir Godfrey Nicholson. He would have loved dating Mikey...
"I'll do anything to get you back; pay any price." - Michael stakes his claim to Kimberly. Michael, in so many ways, belongs in Hyannisport...
"The only way for a woman to provide for herself decently is for her to be good to some man that can afford to be good to her." - Mrs. Warren, from "Mrs. Warren's Profession." George Bernard Shaw. 1893.
"Sometimes, I'm kinda geeked." - Sidney to Lauren.
"See that dweeb on 42?" - Sidney to Ellen. Sidney belongs with the giggling gaggle of teenyboppers on 90210...
"I promise." - Sidney to Jane. Iron-clad declarations from Melrose Place's twin paragons of personal accountability.
"The other night, he kissed me; well, uh, we kissed." - Allison to Jane. Never say something once when twice will do.
"Michael, I love you!" - Sidney tells Michael just what he wants to hear after he crashes his car, nearly kills his fiancee, and is about to be arrested for drunk driving.
"Billy, I love you!" - Allison to Billy. I'd just like to take this opportunity to tell all of the Melrose Place Update readers that, gosh darn it, I love each and every one of you... --------- "Jo please! We're friends!!" - Allison asks Jo to put the gun down.
"Did you read a relationship article in some magazine?" "No, I just love you." - Exchange between Billy and Allison.
"I'm sorry, I've been nuts lately." - Allison to Billy.
"Are you nuts?!" - Matt to Michael. Mental stability has never been one of Melrose Place's strong points...
"Music has charms to soothe a savage breast, To soften rocks, or bend a knotted oak." - William Congreve "The Mourning Bride" Act I, Scene 1, 1697.
"Music soothes the savage beast." "Something like that." - Exchange between Kimberly and Michael. Mikey was never one for details...
"Help me, help me please!" - AC/DC, "You Shook Me All Night Long", from the compact disc "Back in Black".
"Help me, please help me!" - Michael cries out to the aether.
"We suspect this accident was alcohol-related." - Cop to Katya. Michael would have gotten away with it if the cop hadn't spotted Kimberly wearing the engagement ring; she had to be drunk...
"I should have stopped after our first bottle." - Kimberly.
"No one was drinking heavily." - Esther Newberg, friend of Mary Jo Kopechne present at the Kennedy party on Chappaquiddick island, July 18, 1969. Time Magazine, August 1, 1969, page 97.
"Kimberly hasn't regained consciousness..." - Matt breaks the news, unaware that if they just take the ring off her finger, she might come to...
"Shove your ethics!" - Michael, the man of principle and honour, tells Matt where he can stick his Robert Bly bedside manner. Matt gets zero respect from the denizens of Melrose Place.
"Matt, come here; listen..." - Michael slithers out of his tree and taps Matt on the shoulder.
"And the serpent said unto the woman, 'Ye shall not surely die.'" - Genesis 3:4, King James Version.
"You won't get caught..." - Michael gives Matt a coy look and holds out the apple...
"Anything can happen, but it's not very likely." - Carl outlines The Way Things Are.
"There's nothing you can do about it." - Matt resigns himself to a powerless existence. From the corner, Kierkegaard, Kafka and Sartre break into a round of applause. Life at Melrose Place would be much more exciting if it was not so depressing...
"I was not drunk." - Michael defends his honour.
"I cannot remember what I did during that time [the nine hours between the Chappaquiddick accident and reporting it to the police]." - Ted Kennedy defends his honour.
"Can you believe this, I don't know how it happened!" - Michael defends his honour.
"Just a note to say I miss you..." - Stevie Macmillan, the Boy Wonder.
"This car is so great, and you drive it like a pro." "Ya, I took a competitive driving course." - Sidney is impressed with Carl's driving, but Nancy Drew could blow him off the road any day...
"Take off your damn clothes." - Carl to Sidney.
"Let's see that nice young stuff in there." - Carl to Sidney.
"Get your butt over here and lift that skirt up or I swear to god..." - Carl to Sidney.
"Listen you little bitch! Get back here!!" - Carl to Sidney.
"Equal to the gods seems to me that man who sits facing you and hears you nearby sweetly speaking and softly laughing. This sets my heart to fluttering in my breast, for when I look on you a moment, then can I speak no more, but my tongue falls silent, and at once a delicate flame courses beneath my skin, and with my eyes I see nothing, and my ears hum, and a cold sweat bathes me, and a trembling seizes me all over, and I am paler than grass, and I feel that I am near to death." - Sappho, fragment 2, circa 612 b.c.e. Okay, so Carl isn't exactly a hapless romantic at heart...
(c) 1993 Ian Ferrell. The Melrose Place Update is published weekly and distributed via electronic mail and the Graces of Internet. Each article contains a summary of that week's Melrose Place episode with analysis and commentary.
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