Welcome to the Melrose Place Update! Four out of five cultural commentators recommend the Melrose Place Update for their patients who can't choose ordinary television. The light, fluffy content of Melrose Place won't stick to most mental passages; look, you can even eat an apple while watching! Why choose fun when you can choose Melrose Place Update's "contentless fun"?
I went to the mall yesterday. It is a simple confession, but made with all the passion and fervor of one who is in group therapy. I do not drive a Hyundai, I do not drink, smoke or cultivate controlled narcotics, and the last Playboy I saw talked about Madonna and her Penn pal. I do however frequent shopping malls.
The shopping mall is a recurring theme in these introductory blurbs. Shopping is an act that has changed little since humans started trading chickens for pigs. McLuhan explored the cultural mirror of shopping and marketing products throughout his books; the best examination is found in "Culture Is Our Business", a book he wrote as successor to "The Mechanical Bride".
McLuhan pursuits aside, I am still drawn toward a shopping mall much as Wilma and Betty were in "The Flintstones". My grandmother insists this is because some nebulous and nefarious "they" pump chemicals into the air to make people feel good and buy things. Granted, she also insists that radioactive fallout makes her sneeze all the time, and that Geraldo Rivera is the victim of a media conspiracy to discredit him. One for three is not bad, but in this case it is not good enough.
In a previous Update, we examined the parallels between Melrose Place and "The Gap" clothing stores. Each presents a plastic supportive culture, from the bevy of friends around the Melrose Place pool to obnoxious sales clerks who assume they are your trusted confidante seconds after asking you the ridiculous question: "does anything work for you?" Each requires a plastic supportive culture; from the Machiavellian friends on the television Place to the Visa card accepted at The Gap and worldwide sporting events. Each is highly-commercialised.
To ignore the commercial aspects of technology is to roam an idealistic wasteland without a compass. Technology disseminates through commercial products, creating "markets" from aether and shaping culture along the way. Yet it is also too much to declare that the information society's sky is falling due to a preponderance of television shopping channels, Nintendo machines and Chicago Bulls jackets. There is much beneath the thin veneer of commercialism.
Railroads forged the bone of America while prompting widescale development of natural resources. Communities and cultures sprouted like Russian thistle alongside the tracks. Today, much of America's geography owes its existence to that long abandoned track on its periphery. Highways formed the muscle of Lost America; legions of James Deans and Jack Kerouacs set out on defining journeys across the highways of America. Although that America passed away long ago, the distinct signs of its presence still fade by the roadside.
Dr. Ferreud interprets the image of transportation or motion as symbolic of freedom. That transportation may be physical as in the railroads and highways of the past, it can be economic as in the motion of goods, services and currency, and it can be mental as in the technological shopping mall. The mall, while currently a static, immobile physical construct, is inherently a maelstrom of activity and action. There is much social motion in shopping, interaction that feeds the same human needs as the social interaction around the Melrose Place pool. Buying things is a side effect of shopping, not the direct root.
The modern mall is moving toward the electric medium. Shopping channels and entire networks exist not due to a worldwide glut of Diamonique but because of a basic human need to relate as a community. The QVC network does not just display the product and price, it elicits on-air testimonials from customers. Each recommendation cements the validity of the product; you may not trust a salesperson, but someone calling from Aberdeen, South Dakota is above reproach. On-air personalities are warm, affable and make frequent allusions to the QVC "family".
Today's generation hangs around the mall in the same way cowboys huddled around the crackling fire, just as early communities drew together for common strength, purpose and support, and similar to the manner Melrose Place curls up around the pool. The sense of community is a powerful motivator, yet it is sorely-lacking in contemporary electric society. To be banished from a primitive society was the greatest punishment for no one could survive on their own. Currently, a similar reproof is to be banished from the consumer society.
Previous generations found meaning and belonging through other mechanisms, and as such, cannot comprehend a social value system based predominantly on image. While each generation has an "image", only recently has this image begun to shift so quickly and so radically. The electric speed-up snagged all of us; while the younger generation can react the older generation can only hang on and hope it slows down. Meanwhile, they continue to decry the "style over substance" form and attempt to correct social ills with outmoded methods. The core of humanity remains the same, but our process of dealing with the electric reality has changed. Thirty years after Professor McLuhan cleared his throat, few realize that the style has become the substance.
"We're S H O P P I N G, we're shopping." - Pet Shop Boys, "Shopping" from the CD "actually". 1987, EMI Records CDP 546972.
Ex cathedra.
- ian
Oh golly gee, we're going to a ranch! The episode starts off with Amanda and Allison engaged in their usual cat fight over Circuit Stud Steve Macmillan's computer advertising account. Steve, of course, sides with Allison and chews out Amanda for disagreeing. To soothe the Sad Ad Cad's ego a tad, Steve suggests Allison and Billy join him and Jo at his ranch for the weekend. Allison does that "giggle then glance down like a parrot" thing and says yes.
Billy, working for only the second time this season, spars with a new character, "Celia Morales". He arrives at the office to find her sitting at his desk and she is smoking! He huffs and puffs while she blows him away. I wager it will take two, maybe three episodes before he and she are doin' the nasty.
The Happy Foursome toodle up to Steve's ranch, aka "The Entire Damn State of Texas". Billy is very suspicious of Allison; he knows that Steve wants her. (Billy is blind to the possibilities: Steve has the key to Billy's handcuffs but Billy is looking out the window...) No one has a good time except for Steve and Allison. Jo throws water on Steve's Fire O' Passion, so he tries to find a match with Allison while Billy smolders in the corner. On the return trip, Billy and Allison's relationship starts to go as flat as the tire on her car. (Was it just The Lads and me, or was that tire still on the car after Billy "took it off"?)
Back at Melrose Place, Jake and Amanda have sex like crazed weasels. Jake tries to form sentences and Amanda tries to care about someone other than herself. Her dad is astounded when Jake discovers some inaccuracies in the "Avanti Replicars" accounting methods. The story looked tempting, but the writers snatched it back before we got a sniff of what Mr. Palmer Woodward is up to. Rest assured that Jake's two brain cells are hard at work on the problem.
Michael Mancini, "The Human Gland", tries to woo Fair Maid Kimberly back after hearing she plans to return to Cincinnati. (Why would anyone, other than Loni Anderson, want to go *back* to Cincinnati?) She gives him the cold shoulder until they discover some kid in the hospital does not have a brain tumour. (Kimberly was probably more excited over discovering someone Michael has not slept with yet.) They exchange "gosh, ain't medicine cool!" looks and Jimmy Stewart walks by in the hallway. Yawn. I liked them as a couple better when she had the swing in their bedroom...
The episode closed with shots implying Jake still likes Jo, and a wonderful scene where Steve hits on Allison in a major way. She turns him down, but with that wistful "hmmm" gaze where she looks like a chipmunk on Quaaludes. Oh, and Matt, Katya and Nikki, aka "The Happy Family" never dropped by. They are probably still filling out immigration paperwork...
This week saw further development in Michael's "maternal" complex, manifesting itself through his litany of sexual triumphs. Jake delved deeper into Amanda's tormented soul with startling results. Signor Spelling also indulged us with a fascinating treatise on Technology's interdependence with Success and the inability (as perceived by Spelling) of Modern Women to join the revolution.
Steve, as we previously learned, iconifies Technology. Allison/Success and Technology experience a parallel attraction. Success initially eschews the advances of Technology for Success is inherently self-reliant. Her Ego is blind to the potentials of Technology, viewing the courtship and attempted wooing as just "another" in a long line of ignored admirers. The previous affair with Keith/Failure succeeded only because of Failure's calculated moves; Failure identified Success' Achilles Heel and as such was forced to pay a severe price when Success ultimately triumphed.
Technology, rebuffed by Success, turns his attention toward Jo/the Modern Woman. Technology is awkward at these attempts and the Modern Woman still holds a traditional attraction to Jake/Everyman. Her inability to deal with Technology is a startling proclamation by Spelling, particularly in these modern times. His motivation for such a brash statement is unclear, although it may be some manifestation of personal experience with his equine-faced daughter.
Technology is, by definition, a matricidal construct. Even though new technology is spawned from old, it always usurps or negates the preceding technology. In this manner, Technology assumes the Orestian mantle and abandons the Modern Woman, a maternal influence, casting her off as detritus. This mantle is not without its quota of guilt, and as we see in the episode, Technology returns to Success to plead his case. Every Technology may yearn for its mother, yet above all, it desires Success. Success in this plot plays the role of Athena. She rules over wisdom and industry (the breeding grounds of Technology) and war (the playground of Technology). Yet to Technology's eternal dismay, Success remains a virgin goddess who rules with an impassive iron will.
Michael, as Tradition, remains locked in the archetypal battle over control of his soul. He yearns to vault free of the traditional confines, yet he remains bound tightly to them by his maternal ties. Tradition's sexual antics reveal a tormented young man, unsure of his place within a modern society. Dominated and abused, he seeks to free himself by dominating and abusing others.
Spelling's use of the line "don't leave me" is a visceral call to Tradition's childhood. As Tradition, Michael holds tightly to the concept of Mother; a role Kimberly/Ambition fulfills in his life. Ambition provides the impetus in Tradition's activities. Yet his inner spirit still seeks to rebel, as evidenced in other illicit affairs. Last season's story line with Tradition and Jane/Future expecting a child evoked this Maternal worship imagery as well. Yet in that case, the child died; Tradition overcame the dependence on his Mother and consequently began the relationship with Kimberly. Unfortunately, the dependence returned for Tradition did not realize his dependence had transferred to Kimberly. Tradition sought recompense for this anguish from Sidney/Immaturity, Future's younger sister. This action, he felt, would free him from the motherly cords still binding him to the Future.
When Ambition caught Tradition in bed with Immaturity, the overall effect was devastating. Tradition finally saw the true relationship between the contending Emotions and Players. His heartfelt pleading to Ambition is a poignant example of the ensuing disaster when amateurs delve into psycho- analysis. The shared scene where Tradition and Ambition realize the child's tumour is not cancerous is analogous to their relationship. The child, as their Relationship, is indeed sick and needing care, yet the illness is not terminal. Ambition realizes the necessary cure is a high dose of Radiation delivered to the source of their problem: Tradition's crotch.
Jake, as Everyman, remains locked in a monolithic struggle between Amanda (Temptation) and Jo (the Modern Woman). Everyman is attracted to the Modern Woman, despite her independence. The overwhelming cord throughout Melrose Place is control. Who exercises control and who is controlled is a fundamental theme. Spelling realizes contemporary society mirrors his mythological construct and explores the possibilities in this story. The faint, reciprocal attraction between Everyman and the Modern Woman reflects Spelling's optimistic view of relationships in the modern age.
Palmer Woodward, as the Establishment, regards Everyman as the fool he is and expresses shock when Everyman is clever enough to discern the Establishment's machinations. Everyman is still in the Establishment's employ, held firmly in control by Establishment's sundry and sultry Temptation. The stage is set for an epic battle between Everyman and Palmer Woodward/Establishment.
The ghost of John Calvin floats over the scene as Michael and Kimberly reap the fruits of their carnal sin. Mikey can propose all he wants, but in the black and white world of Protestant Hollywood, land of the ever-vindictive Old Testament God: "If Someone Sins, Someone Must Pay." (Preferably with cash, but credit is always accepted in Hollywood.)
Watch and see as Death pulls up beside the Merry Melrose Place-Mobile in a lowered, '69 Impala belching oily smoke, sneers out the side window and flicks a cigarette butt into Michael's Chariot O' Love. Michael or Kimberly? Kimberly or Michael? Gee, I wonder...! Sharp-eyed viewers will catch Steven Seagal and Bruce Willis kicking someone in the background: justice *must* be served.
Oh, and in a light-hearted plot line, Sidney is recruited by a Hollywood Madam to be a high-priced hooker. Hmmm, where would you get a story like that? Ack! Dr. Ferreud is drooling again...
Watch Jake swimming in the Melrose Place pool, a wet bundle of testosterone and insensitivity.
See Vixen Amanda give him "The Look".
Hear the Lovers bandy back and forth with witty sexual innuendo.
See Jake exit the pool, his hair dripping, water cascading down his mighty chest, his jean shorts soaking wet.
Watch Jake enter Amanda's apartment, his hair dripping, water cascading down his mighty chest, his jean shorts dry as a, er, bone.
Oh, oh, oh, it's magic!
After the recent spate of sexual conquests carved on Dr. Michael "No, please, call me the Gland; I insist" Mancini's bed post, it's only fitting that there were three commercials for home pregnancy tests during this week's episode. Remember lads, Mr. Happy should *always* wear his White Tuxedo when he visits Madam Wonderful!
Loyal readers of the Update are no doubt wondering where a number of issues for October episodes are hiding. We're polishing up the final comments and will either keep the Updates around for "repeat" time later this season, or carpet bomb your email box. Stay tuned. Now that the hellish schedule is over, we are back on the Thursday afternoon Update delivery plan. Thanks for your patience...
"I really thought I was over him." - Jo ruminates about Jake. Wait a second, no one could ever "ruminate" about Jake...
"In a way, I'm trying to get over someone too..." - Steve jumps in with the chorus.
"I may be the biggest idiot in the world when it comes to relationships." - Michael stumbles on a fundamental fact of the universe. Next week he'll work on gravity...
"From the moment of birth, when the Stone Age baby confronts the twentieth-century mother, the baby is subjected to these forces of violence, called love..." - R. D. Laing.
Oranges and lemons,
Say the bells of St. Clement's.
You owe me five farthings,
Say the bells of St. Martin's.
When will you pay me?
Say the bells of Old Bailey.
When I grow rich,
Say the bells of Shoreditch.
- Anonymous Nursery Rhyme, "Oranges and Lemons".
"That thing called a pay cheque..." - Amanda, hapless victim of a heartless mother, sets her priorities straight.
"Don't leave me." - Michael "I'm an angry gland" Mancini in the worst groveling scene I've ever seen.
"He's [Steve's] so interesting!" - Jo, at a loss of words for such an interesting man, shows off her interesting vocabulary. Interesting.
"You'd have to be crazy to walk away from something like that [Steve]." - Jo reaffirms the age-old fear of all men: that the only thing women are concerned about is the size of that bulge in their man's pants, right where he keeps his wallet.
"I'd kill to be a guy like him [Steve]; he's smart, good-looking and rich!" - Billy has an epiphany.
Oh, Jake, Brett said, we could have had such a damned
good time together.
Yes, I said. Isn't it pretty to think so?
- Ernest Hemingway, "The Sun Also Rises", 1926.
Closing line.
"Who am I to stand in the way of a good time?" - Billy waxes eloquent in the style of his hero.
"What do you see?" "Wonderful things..." - Exchange between Howard Carter and George Edward Stanhope Molyneux Herbert, the 5th Earl of Carnarvon on November 5, 1922, after Herbert peered into the virtually intact tomb of Tutankhamen, an 18th Dynasty Egyptian child pharaoh.
"Trains are wonderful." - Agatha Christie, "An Autobiography", 1977.
"You are wonderful." - Allison to Billy. Now we've cleared that up...
"Hey! It's Friday!" - Allison figures out how that damned calendar works...
"It's the most intense relationship of my life and Jake's..." - Amanda sums it all up. Intense for Jake is any relationship where he speaks...
[Allison peers out window at Steve kissing Jo.] "Allison!" - Billy gets out the pooper scooper.
"Something happen up at the ranch?" - Allison plays along with Billy's fantasy. Either that or she's having flashbacks of her stint as spokeswoman for Hidden Valley salad dressings.
"She's [Amanda's] a snake." - Jo hits the truth, but truth only counts on the Newlywed Game...
"Amanda's a good person." - Jake stands up for the Little Lady.
"Allison is in love with Billy." - Jo finds another page from Jake's primer.
"I love Billy." - Allison, in a line we hope is not from Jake's homework...
"Along comes someone to screw it all up." - Billy philosophizes in a parallel anthem about life.
"I can't stop these feelings anymore!" - R.E.O. Spitwagon whine their way through a lame anthem. I don't know the song or album name, and I don't really care.
"I can't stop these feelings!" - Allison gives away what generation the Melrose Place writers are from or at least what ripping tunes they listened to when they wrote the episode.
"Shouldn't you and Jo be, like...? Forget it, it's none of my business." "Shouldn't you and Billy...?" - Allison and Steve trade barbs.
"Someone asked Sophocles, 'How do you feel now about sex? Are you still able to have a woman?' He replied, 'Hush man; most gladly indeed am I rid of it all, as though I had escaped from a mad and savage master.'" - Plato, "The Republic", I, 329b.
"How was your childhood?" "Normal and pleasant, how was yours?" - Jake tries another tact with Amanda.
"Let us live and love, my Lesbia, and value at a penny all the talk of crabbed old men. Suns may set and rise again: for us, when our brief light has set, there's the sleep of perpetual night." - Gaius Valerius Catullus, "Carmina", book V. I don't remember the date, it's really old...
"Somewhere I heard conversation is good for a relationship..." - Jake reiterates something he learned while reading ancient Roman love poetry in the bathroom.
"Let's start with Mandy..." "Damn it!" - Jake tries seducing Amanda with modern love poetry, a la Barry, but Amanda is nonplused.
"We all have fears and problems..." - Jake steps back up to the plate. If he strikes out, he can always market "Relationship by Jake", a 12-step program to revitalize your love life while restoring the chrome on your Harley Davidson. Jake is starting to look like the Sisyphus of Love...
"You're really starting to get on my nerves." - Billy realizes he does not like Celia. Men across America hang their heads in prayer that Billy will fall in love/lust with Celia.
"Celia got us this meeting... It's just for drinks..." - Billy to Allison. Score! Billy has a thing about women who cause him mental anguish...
(c) 1993 Ian Ferrell. The Melrose Place Update is published weekly and distributed via electronic mail and the Graces of Internet. Each article contains a summary of that week's Melrose Place episode with analysis and commentary.
Melrose Place Update is an all-digital production. There is no hiss. Analogue copies of previous Melrose Place Updates are available. All perceived spelling errors should be blamed on the British Empire.
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