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There is a shore that each person stands on during his life. For some, it is (regrettably) a singular experience, for others, it is an ongoing train of events. It is the moment when you realize your reality has changed, that things are no longer the same and there is no going back. It is the moment when your existence has a defined reference point, a snapshot of where and why and who. It is the moment when the close fish tank each individual exists in fades away to an endless sea.
The first time you realize this is the true loss of innocence. The moment demands purpose and reason for being; without these there can be no meaning in the experience. The greatest insights and advances into the character of humanity occur at these times, for it is at this time that the individual is most human.
The plots of Melrose Place are an endless parade of these defining moments, each character doomed to burn bridges and make judgment errors of mythic proportion. Yet the bridges do not matter much when the characters are so shallow and the personality developments are rarely worth wading for. In reality, the stakes are much higher.
The Old Testament of Judeo-Christian canon describes how in the 13th century B.C.E., Moses led the Hebrews out of Egyptian oppression and toward the Promised Land. Pharaoh was incensed and pursued the Hebrews to the Red Sea, hemming them in on all sides. Without a hope, the Hebrews turned to their god and miraculously, the sea parted for them to pass. The Hebrews crossed the sea on dry land, yet when the Egyptians pursued, the walls of water collapsed around them. Though it took an additional forty years, the Hebrews did reach Canaan and in the process, defined a community that would withstand thousands of years.
In Homer's "Odyssey", the battered war hero Odysseus sets sail for home, a faded memory after the lengthy siege of Troy. He yearns for his family and a sense of place after years in battle. The return journey slows when Calypso, a sea nymph, falls in love with Odysseus and offers him immortality to stay with her. Odysseus is torn between the two options: home or immortality. The desire for home, however, is too strong and after seven years Odysseus departs, leaving the grieving Calypso on the beach to die of heartache.
Julius Caesar faced a similar point in 49 B.C.E. when he massed his troops on the shores of the Rubicon River and contemplated an action. The Roman Senate had decreed he could not set foot across the river, to do so was a declaration of war. But Caesar had a vision, a dream, and he strode forward with determination and a sense of mission, changing history forever.
Societies stand on their own Rubicons. We live on the shores of our own distant future, each moment contemplating where we have been and where should we go. Technology is our craft, and the wind in our canvas, but to what direction do we set sail? The wind, like in maps of old, whistles in every direction. There are numerous alternatives, countless options and a plethora of charismatic charlatans claiming the privilege to point the way.
Progress mandates a clear vision and a sense of mission. Yet it also requires one eye held to the past and to the sense of community and humanity that has brought it this far. Moses, Odysseus and Caesar all recognized their obligation to the needs of humanity; that progress does not affect rote automatons but individuals. The technologies and paradigms that succeed are distinctly human designs; simple and intuitive tools that just make sense.
It is inevitable that technology will change humanity; it has for centuries past, and will continue to in the future. At the same time, however, humanity must shape technology with determined and educated action. Technology is only a means, it should never be the end. True progress only occurs when we stop examining the details with a myopic stare and cast a broad gaze toward the horizon. We have lost our technological innocence as a society and we cannot turn back.
"Gray-eyed Athena sent them a favorable breeze, a fresh west wind, singing over the wine-dark sea." - Homer, "The Odyssey", book 2, line 420.
I hate water.
- ian
Food fight! The Spirit of John Belushi gazed lovingly over the Melrose Place set this week as the crew engaged in a little conspicuous consumption, hucking food around like grenades.
The Divorce lost control this week and Roared Screaming into the Ditch O' Disaster. Michael concocts a cunningly clever contrivance to confuse Jane's case: he's gonna Lie about The Affair! The only problem with this is that he's pretty darn good, weaving a sob story of jilted love and a neglectful wife so well, he even starts to convince Jane. Well, only for a millisecond...
Jane goes ballistic, (not surprising considering the excellent teacher she had in Michael) but Dr. Fibber pooh-poohs her allegations with consummate ease. When they literally run into each other at the grocery store later that day, Jane is ready and rarin' to start a small land war. Michael sticks to the Situational Ethics 101 defence that served Hermann Goering and Joseph Goebbels so well in 1945, and soon has marinara sauce (barely) sticking to him.
Unfortunately, the weak link in the Deceitful Doctor's Bag O' Tricks is Kimberly. She is nervous about lying in her testimony, inevitably cracks under the pressure and confesses in the final scene. Ooops! Michael goes beyond ballistic (thermonuclear?), and gives Candid Kim a tongue- lashing with intimation of More To Come When I Get You Home. Hubris should never be allowed to come home to roost, and now Mikey's swimming in it. Oh baby, don't stab me now!
Matt cruises out on a dinner date with the lovely Katya; unfortunately for her, Matt's gay. Damn! Of course they plan on being friends and giggle a lot as Matt practices being warm and empathetic. The House is betting on Katya replacing Rhonda as Matt's Confidante.
Jake is still upset with Jo since she "doesn't trust him". Being an intelligent, rational human being, capable of examining a situation from both sides and understanding where each is coming from, Jake beats the crap out of the Defenceless Icebox in the apartment. ($50 says he couldn't have gotten away with that if it was a Kenmore; they fight back.)
Jo freaks out (no one on this show has any rein over their emotions) worrying that Jake might start Whacking the Little Woman instead of the Whirlpool, so for the next few scenes, the apartment is filled with frigid air. Jake soon feels "constricted" and calls their relationship quits. Jo apologizes for distrusting Jake, ignoring him, abhorring him, despising him and storing perishable items in the refrigerator, but Jake is a Real Man and he don't take no apologies from no one. [grunt][scratch].
Jo cries, Allison sighs, Jake hangs out with the guys, Billy lies, Amanda spies, and the audience asks "why?"
Meanwhile, Billy gets a juicy interview assignment with some rich guy who lives at a fancy resort. (Can you tell I was paying attention?) Ever-determined to shoot himself in the foot, given half a chance, Billy invites Allison along, even though he was told to bring no one with him. Allison bemoans her job for a second, then cooks up an excuse to blow it off and go.
Of course Billy has a Lot Of Work To Do, and Allison is about as understanding about this as a Water Buffalo with Hemorrhoids. To make matters even worse, John Bryant, The Rich Dude has this bodacious slut for a daughter (Bear Bryant?) and she's soon putting Something in Billy's Pocket at dinner. (As if there wasn't already, er, never mind...) The Something is a Room Key, and Billy "Call Me Tom" Jones is soon singing the chorus from "Kiss". Want a surprise? Allison goes ballistic!
Billy manages to extricate himself from the Corrupt Clutches of the Virginal Vixen *and* the Clenched Clutches of the Worthless Whiner. (One would have sufficed...) Rich Dude, however, is smart, (that's how he got rich) and catches Billy in the act of Bringing Along The Extra Bag. Since Billy is so Sincere/Stupid, The Rich Dude's heart melts and he lets Billy and Allison stay an extra day. Remember kids: you get free stuff if you're honest...
The good Doctor is on leave this week, preparing an article for "The Journal of Popular Culture" on the rampant psychosexual imagery within Melrose Place. He promises to drop by next week with more titillating tales of temptation.
Jane lets her lawyer dip a little too deep into her Briefs. Jake tries to jump-start his modeling career in Amanda's bed and Michael considers keeping it All in the Family with Jane's Sweet Sibling Sidney. Methinks I better play it safe and watch the episode with condoms on my glasses...
When Jane dumps the spaghetti sauce (ok, marinara, so I'm a culinary cretin...) on Michael's head, IT DOES NOT STICK TO HIS HAIR! Michael's Magnificent Mane must be slicker than moose poop on a doorknob: remember, he's not just the president, he's a customer...
Ok, so I don't know the difference between "Sweating Bullets" (the show I claimed "Sam" plays on in the off season) and "Silk Stalkings", (the correct show name). Luckily, 20,000 of the Update's Loyal Listeners know, and each was kind enough to Clue Me In. Hey, I don't watch that much television!
"It was my shop." "It was my money." "Ya, how could I be so stupid?" - Exchange between Jake and Jo.
Some weeks it is pure suicide to provide a sample vocabulary sentence. This is one of them...
"I'm moving out; I can't stay with a woman who doesn't trust me." - Jake gets pissed when Jo hides every match in the apartment.
"Goddammit Sid! You live here!" - Jane to Sidney. WonderBread Jane steals a page from a seminal civil-rights book.
"A savage place! as holy and enchanted As e'er beneath a waning moon was haunted By woman wailing for her demon-lover!" - Samuel Taylor Coleridge, "Kubla Khan", 1798. Forgive me; the majority of my knowledge of the classics hails from reading Frankie Goes To Hollywood dustjackets...
"Making love as the moonlight falls through the window..." - Billy, to Allison, shows us why he's PAID to write. The lad can really conjure up a cliche when he needs it...
"If thou would'st view fair Melrose aright, Go visit it by the pale moonlight." - Sir Walter Scott, "The Lay of the Last Minstrel", canto II, 1805. Sir Wally was a Peeping Tom at heart...
"What am I going to do with you?" "Anything you want..." - Kimberly and Michael engage in a little relationship banter. No, honey, it's *your* turn to wear the leather chaps...
"I'll have to make sure his lies don't sound better than your truths..." - Jane's lawyer.
"And, after all, what is a lie? 'Tis but The truth in masquerade." - Lord Byron.
"Fire. Fire! Fire!! Fire!!! Fire!!!!" "Beavis, calm down!" - Exchange between Beavis and Butthead. Look, I could completely sell out and have the "Beavis and Butthead Melrose Place Commentary"...
"Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall, Humpty Dumpty had a great fall; All the king's horses And all the king's men Couldn't put Humpty Dumpty together again." - Anonymous, "Humpty Dumpty".
"Jake!" [Biff!][Bam!] "Jake!!!" [Ka-powie!!][Zonk!] "STOP IT!!!" [Ker-rash!!!][Tha-bump!] - Jo fails, and the Valiant Icebox crashes to its doom.
"My god, did Jake do this?" - Amanda shows up on the scene and makes a mental note that if her Machiavellian attempt to get Jake into her apartment/bed succeeds, she better chain the fridge to the wall...
"Oh my God; it is paradise!" - Allison to Billy. Gotta hand it to her; she's deep...
"A fool's paradise is a wise man's hell." - Thomas Fuller. If Billy is smart, he'll get out of there now. If he isn't, he had better invite Milton and Dante along for the ride...
"She was practically in your lap..." - Allison adds another cord of wood to Billy's "Maybe I should just kill the whiner right here and be done with it" mental bonfire.
"What happened to her?" "It was a him, Katya..." "Oh... I feel so stupid..." - Katya asks a simple question with an answer guaranteed to take the curl out of her hair...
"The woman who cannot evolve a good lie in defense of the man she loves is unworthy the name of wife." - Elbert Hubbard. Well, Kimberly is still a cheap mistress...
"If you are going to lie, you go to jail for the lie rather than the crime. So believe me, don't ever lie." - Richard Nixon, to John Dean, due to testify before Watergate Committee, April 1973.
"Well, the law isn't exactly on my side..." - Michael teaches a crash course in Situational Ethics to Kimberly.
"You never realize how short a month is until you pay alimony." - John Barrymore.
"When a man trusts a woman, he either totally trusts her or he doesn't..." - Jake, a deeply religious man, to Jo.
"How could you be so stupid!" - Michael "I Listen To Allison For All My Relationship Guidance" berates Kimberly for telling the truth.
(c) 1993 Ian Ferrell. The Melrose Place Update is published weekly and distributed via electronic mail and the Graces of Internet. Each article contains a summary of that week's Melrose Place episode with analysis and commentary. Hard copies of previous Melrose Place Updates are available.
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