[My apologies for the deplorable tardiness in sending out the Update; the product I work on is about to ship so my life is no longer my own. This week's episode is also on its way. Hopefully, I can free up some spare time to use the restroom next week...]
Welcome to the Melrose Place Update, the only television commentary to receive Motor Trend's "Best in Its Lack of Class" award two years in a row. In a recent customer survey, J.D. Power and Associates accepted a healthy sum of money to conclude that the Melrose Place Update is Number One in a category no one could define for sure, but would look good in our advertising campaign! Have you read the Update lately?
Each generation needs some digression point with the previous generation; it is the bone on which the younger generation cuts its independence teeth. A focal point for the baby boomers was the Vietnam war, a rallying cry to galvanize their attention and emotion. Around this divisive action, an entire generation grew into adulthood. They developed their individualist style, their disdain for the status quo, and respect for personal uniqueness, all the while managing to have good, clean fun as youngsters should. Or, at least, that is how the crock of boomer propaganda reads.
In Boomerdom's haste to determine a "defining" factor for our generation, (after all, if the boomers had a defining factor, then any "real" generation must also have one), they latched upon the one element they did not understand. "This force," they determined with transcendent wisdom one can only receive by lying around for a weekend, stoned and naked, in a field listening to Janis Joplin, "this force is the paltry marrow of our children's generation. Pitiable, but it will do..." The defining element they latched onto was none other than music television.
Strong arguments can be made for music television as a defining force. MTV's birth in August of 1981 came during a cultural vacuum. The malaise-filled Seventies, rife with stagflation, disco and man-made fibres faded away while conspicuous consumption and pastels prepared to assume their respective thrones. The music industry underwent bizarre changes in style and substance: compact disks were invented, synthesizers and sequencers became commonplace, and the promotional rock opera began to usurp the 7-inch, 45 rpm single. MTV became a focal point of "the next music generation".
Yet the entire notion of a "defining factor" places far too much emphasis on a single event or creation. History is commonly a set of disparate actions coordinating such that a culture shifts in a particular direction; Newton's laws apply to societies as well. Though much of our democratic philosophy hails back to the invention of the printing press, it certainly was not the sole Messiah of political thought. As we learned last week, history is often the culmination of a series of itches rather than a singular gunshot.
Professor McLuhan explored the meanings of war within this context and concluded that war is nothing more than a manifestation of societal discomfort with technology. As technology drives forward, it leaves the society behind. The resulting angst exhibits itself as violence within and by the culture. In "War and Peace in the Global Village", McLuhan writes, "As with hit tunes and hit pictures and hit entertainments, fashion rushes in to fill the vacuum in our senses created by technological displacements," (21). When these light pursuits are unable to reconcile the old environment with the new, society runs amuck. If there is a defining factor in a generation, it can always be linked back to technology and its effect on the culture.
Unfortunately, this does not completely explain the phenomena of music television. It certainly falls under the mantle of "hit entertainment", but at the same time it extends beyond entertainment to politics, social welfare, and flirts with the notion of war on a different plane.
MTV takes great pains to paint itself as the anti- establishment, anti-social, anti-Christ for a generation although its corporate actions are strictly by the book. MTV is a subsidiary of the Viacom Entertainment Company, noted purveyor of cable television programming and keeper of the keys to the Nostalgia Safe (itself a fascinating diversion into the "rear-view-mirror" focus of a technologically-upset culture). Viacom merged with National Amusements in 1987 for $3.4 billion. Today, the company is run by the original owner of National Amusements, Mr. Sumner Redstone, the 71-year-old patriarch of pop culture who has since turned his sights on Paramount Communications. Beavis and Butthead may claim that "old people suck", but the Lads are no more dangerous or ground-breaking for MTV today than Frankie Goes To Hollywood's "Relax" was a decade ago; they are all just cogs in a very large wheel...
Must each generation have its Vietnam, and if so then what of us? Is music television our icon, our rallying cry or an expression of social flatulence brought on by undigested technology? Perhaps the need for an "identifying icon" is no more than Boomerdom's Palladium; a monument to ensure the safety and longevity of their personal identity, their Troy.
Traditionally, these introductory monologues attempt to present succinct, complete observations, signposts perched beside the road as we continue the never-ending journey toward media enlightenment. If at all possible, some effort is made to tie the exposition to Melrose Place, however feeble the connection may be. This week fails miserably on all accounts; it is less billboard and more mileage marker. We're on the highway, but it's 3 a.m., we're twenty miles out of Touchet, and it's a long way home...
Should we view music television as crass commercialism or cosmic cultural force; social harbinger or social hand-me- down? We could take the easy road and repeat the stereo- typical antiphon, "MTV: The Voice of a Generation", but the true meaning is far more subtle. The images it purveys are as restless and impatient as those who watch. Each segment explodes onscreen, then flares out to make room for the next. We are all commuters on the digital highway, yet one generation is doomed to trundle along in their minivans while the impatient future breathes down their neck.
Stay tuned...
- ian
Wow. Some Melrose Place episodes leave you sitting in shock on the couch; your mind ablaze with the plot complications, acting and dialogue. This was not one of them. In the major story line, Jake the Rocket Scientist capped off a year of brilliance and sheer genius by managing to burn his bike shop down.
Jake starts off by over-bidding on a pile of crap bikes, and then uses the Tax Money to pay the bill. Jake, being new to concepts like Quarterly Taxes, Balance Sheets and Subtracting One Number from the Other, chews out Jo for chewing him out about the taxes. Jake is a Real Man, he does not need any of this "Sissy Tax Crap".
Jake feebly tries to sell the bikes to other bidders, but they turn him down. The Now-Poor Lad hits on A Stunningly Astute Plan (fix up the bikes and sell them for A Lot Of Money; utterly intellectual!) to bail his stupid butt out of this hole. Jake is hard at work when Amanda floats onscreen and bribes him to go out for a Bud Lite. Jake, The Flaming Idiot, was always bad with the Off Switch, and leaves The Flaming Torch afire. Amanda helps things out by knocking the blowtorch over (like, are these two the Laurel and Hardy of Melrose Place?) and we cut to a rousing chorus of "I Don't Want To Set The World On Fire".
Jo happens upon the Blaze and freaks out, thinking Jake is trapped in the building. (She forgot to get life insurance on him first...) Jake as Snared Fool is a logical conclusion, since Jake could easily get trapped in an open field... Jo rescues the Books O' Accounting, Jake comes back, figures out after several seconds that "Holy Cow! The Building Is On FIRE!!" and Amanda stands in the background wondering if she should let Jake take the fall. (Why not?!?!) Insurance agents are smart, and we close with Jake's insurance agent discovering some Pretty Curious Facts about the fire. Fade to Black with both Jo and Jake looking confused, for totally-separate reasons...
Very little happened in the Billy/Allison love squabble. Billy tried to save Allison's butt at work by appealing to Amanda's sense of lust, unfortunately, (and quite predictably), Billy got his butt barbecued when Allison, "She-Woman of the Jungle" discovered Wee Willy's shenanigans. Allison needs to chill out. Toward this end, she downed bottle after bottle of vodka, oddly stored in the refrigerator instead of the freezer. [Your humble scribe will wisely refrain for any suggestions of colder places in the apartment to put the Litres O' Lost Love Liquor...] Thankfully, we ended the episode all kissy-kissy; strong indication that one of them will find someone new next week.
The Married Couple sputtered on in Scripting Cruise Control. Jane went out on a "Hot Date" with one of Michael's Buddies from College. Michael took it like the Man-Child he is and went ballistic. It is actually quite entertaining to see him spout off each week; just when you think no human being could be so irrational, Michael digs deeper into his bag of Acting Cliches and pulls out a Doozy! It's a good thing for everyone on the show that he does not work at the Post Office. Come to think of it, with his sex life, it's also a good thing he does not work at a blood bank...
Trivia fans will want to note that "Sam", the new love interest for Jane is not only the star of "Sweating Bullets" [another tour de force of tele-cinematic excellence], he is her husband in real life. Think of the Melrose Place Update the next time you need the Quality Information that makes Your Life Worth Living.
My, oh my, oh my! Seconds after dispatching Failure with a Shot Heard Round the World, Jake/Everyman experiences a Shot of Reality as Flames consume his Business. Everyman treats the Business with great care and concern, and rightfully so. The Business is Everyman's Manhood, his sense of Individuality and Place.
Spelling is using a remarkably transparent Western theme in "The Business as Manhood". Since the dawn of Capitalism, driven primarily by the Protestant Work Ethic and Insecurities of Eternal Damnation, Business has been the Castle and Keep of Everyman. When the Home grew unbearable, Everyman sought comfort in the Shop, until it too, became too hot...
Notice that the Business is brought down by a woman, by Amanda/Temptation. In our modern culture, women have burned down the bastions of traditional, male-dominated business culture and replaced it with a centrist model of equality. The Old Boy's Network of overstuffed chairs, cigars and exclusive clubs is gone, and Everyman must come to grips with this fact.
The Insurance Agent is an interesting symbol, hearkening back to Conventional Wisdom. He is cynical, and unsympathetic toward Everyman. Conventional Wisdom even goes so far as to suggest Everyman was the sower of his own Doom, implying that some measure of Personal Gain lies in this disaster. Everyman, already shattered, can only rend his clothes further, beat his breast and cry unto Heaven.
When Everyman cries "What happened?!" upon discovering his Business in Flames, he is not interested in the raw facts; he knows The End Has Come. "What happened?!" cries Everyman. "Where is my Reality, my Manhood, my Place?!" Everyman in this cutting scene comes to grips with the New World Order; he may run, but he cannot hide.
Spelling's contemporary Business imagery is a brilliant modern paraphrase of the Greek mythological story of Io. Zeus (or Everyman) loved Io but feared the jealousy of his wife Hera (Everywoman). Being a god, Zeus transformed Io into a white heifer (Business) to hide her from the probing eye of his wife. Hera was no fool, however, and she took the heifer, setting the 100-eyed monster, Argus (or Feminism), to watch over it. Everyman may have created a cunning escape, but Everywoman has discovered the plot, and circumvented Everyman's machinations. To this day, Everyman still seeks his Hermes...
Very little remains to be learned in the Married Couple's agonizing divorce. Outside of pictures of a Mother lighting a candle, a young boy frolicking in a hot bath, and a stunning display of fresh Washington peaches, I cannot evoke any additional imagery to describe this story line. Spelling has walked his road here, and it is time to leave the path.
Michael gets angry. Billy gets laid. Allison pouts. Jake quotes Shakespeare by The Pool. Matt goes on a Date with a Woman and hits on her Brother. Sidney buys a box of Tide. Amanda calculates. Jo shows passion. Jane goes shopping. Kimberly wears those demi-cup bras that look like hell on her. Lots of food flies around. Don't miss it!
Jake the Explorer took just 27 years to surpass Peking Man...
"When the vodka wore off, it hurt like hell." - Allison to Billy.
"Does she know you're here?" "If she knew, she'd kill me." - Exchange between Amanda and Billy over Allison's knowledge of their meeting.
"It was a lonely night when I left my flat,
Heading downtown to where the action's at.
I locked the door and walked down the street,
Wond'ring who, if anyone, I would meet?"It was a crowded bar and a loud pop tune
As I caught your gaze from across the room
I asked you if you cared for your hubby
"If he knew" you said "he would kill me."Chorus:
"Does he know you're here?
Sitting in my house, drinking all my beer
Does he know you're gone?
Is he dumb like Jake or will he soon catch on?"It was a dark and stormy night when you left,
I sat here angry, feeling quite bereft.
I know that is a real big word to use,
But this is yuppie, whitebread, suburban blues..."- Potential Pet Shop Boys anthem culled from the annals of Melrose Place.
The car Billy drove in "Seattle" last week to accost Keith is the exact same car Michael drove over to the construction site to accost Sam. I say they paint "Angry Man Mobile" on the side and give it to Jake for his birthday...
We have yet to see Billy work this season.
"Good morning, good morning! It's great to wake up late! Good morning, good morning, to you!" - "Good morning!" originally from the Broadway musical "Babes in Arms" (1938); commonly attributed to "Singin' in the Rain" (1952), where it was sung by Gene Kelly, Donald O'Connor and Debbie Reynolds.
"Good Morning!" "Billy, not now, ok..." - Billy and Mr. Happy wake up and salute the morning, but the Ice Goddess is still fast asleep. So much for the Babe in the Arms and Mr. Happy Singin' in the Rain[coat]...
"A clever, ugly man every now and then is successful with the ladies, but a handsome fool is irresistible." - William Makepeace Thackeray.
"They're all rugged and handsome, but they're not Jake." - Amanda bemoans the fact that all of her male models qualify as some form of intelligent life.
"I'm sorry, it's been a crazy morning." - Allison to Amanda.
"I'm sorry Billy, I'm just swamped." - Allison to Billy.
"You spend your day apologizing." - Amanda to Allison.
"What's your schedule like?" "I'm swamped." - Exchange between Jane and Sidney.
"Give me a chance." - Allison to Amanda.
"You've always been a good friend." - Jane to Sam.
"You've always been my best friend." - Allison to Billy. That's what Melrose Place is about: good friends, good times, casual sex and idiots who can't remember to turn off the brazing torch...
"Just before he [Keith] left to Seattle, he tried to rape her." "My god!" - Exchange between Billy and Amanda.
"While they [Keith and Allison] were on the phone together, he committed suicide." "My god!" - Exchange between Billy and Amanda.
"I almost kissed you that night." "I almost let you." - Exchange between Sam and Jane. I almost puked...
"Anyone can make an ad with spandex and bimbos." "Ya!" - Amanda reloads and tries the other approach. Jake experiences an epiphany...
[smooch] [Mr. Tongue gets Wanderlust] "Uh, er, uh..." "Did I do something wrong?" "No." - Sam realizes that if you have to ask...
"What happened?" - Amanda, arriving with Jake, proves that stupidity is contagious.
"I just need some extra time." - Allison to Amanda. There's a phrase no manager has ever heard before...
"I just need some time to forget." - Allison to Billy. Evidently, the writers need some time to come up with original lines...
"Take care of Jake." - Allison to Jo. At first, I thought Jake needs to go through life with a crash helmet on, but then I realized it wouldn't really matter.
"I am not the crook here!" - Jake, insurance hearings.
"When exactly did you decide to betray me?" - Allison to Billy who surreptitiously hides the thirty pieces of silver and whistles a bouncy tune...
"I love you more than anything." - Allison to Billy, next scene. One day, Billy will realize he's living with the Jekyll and Hyde Girlfriend From Hell...
"You drink every night and you drink alone!" - Billy to Allison.
"Dammit!" "Oh, don't worry about it; it happens to all men..." - Michael, expecting another Command Performance, gets a Wee Bit Ticked Off when the Audience fails to give him a Standing Ovation. Fortunately, Kimberly is waiting in the wings to make a Curtain Call...
"America has become so tense..." - Dr. Norman Vincent Peale.
"Sweetheart, you're just tense." "Don't patronize me!!!" - Exchange between Kimberly and Michael when The Little Trooper fails to muster for Role Call...
"I gotta make some changes." - Allison to Billy, the Yes Man.
(c) 1993 Ian Ferrell. The Melrose Place Update is published weekly and distributed via electronic mail and the Graces of Internet. Each article contains a summary of that week's Melrose Place episode with analysis and commentary. Hard copies of previous Melrose Place Updates are available.
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