Welcome again to the Melrose Place Update, the weekly cornucopia of televised carnal knowledge ever-overflowing with choice morsels that look and taste like chunks of real meat, basted in a wonderful, gravy-like broth. Yum!
In the late 1800s, explorers swarmed over the Earth, discovering and mapping the remaining dark corners of civilization. The cultures these individuals encountered were in for a rude awakening; 19th-century Europe was light-years away from the jungles of Borneo. As contact grew between Western culture and the traditional cultures, some native groups began to see the invaders as gods, and their fascinating trinkets as magic. Unfortunately, the distance between their civilization and modern culture was often too great a span to bridge, and they were forced to rationalize the sights and sounds and objects within their traditional, "primitive" moral framework. The cargo brought by the explorers became the only tangible link between these two disparate groups, and "cargo cults" developed that assigned mystical import to the goods. Soon, the only thing that mattered to that society was the next boatload of toys.
Today, we are caught up in a world filled with "stuff", of possessions and possessing. It is an era of great individual empowerment, yet at the same time, the individual is weakened by the lack of community. Technology has driven the last fifty years of cultural development at a frenzied pace, so fast that we cannot gauge its long-term effects: we can only catalogue the results.
Traditionalists decry the influence of technology on our society, claiming we have sold our moral souls to the devil for "on-demand" gratification. They depict technology as a python wrapped around our collective being, a python we no longer control and who is starting to apply the pressure. Cultural phenomena stemming from technology, such as the burgeoning entertainment industry and overwhelming influence of television and media, are seen as the new gods of Digital America. Entities such as MTV are vast agents of influence who deceive us so well, even as we laugh, we do not see the mirror behind Beavis and Butthead.
Traditionalists are, by nature and definition, whiners and apocalyptists. Yet there is often a grain of truth within even the most outlandish conspiracy theory. The power of the past lies in its ability to illuminate the future. Our endless fascination with the newest and greatest technology is not completely healthy. Technology gave birth to contemporary culture, defined it, and weaned it on a steady diet of information without content. At the same time, we did little to advance our moral foundation to intellectualize the new environment. We stand on a future shore, waiting for our toys.
Cargo cults today appear foolish and simplistic, and we laugh at their seemingly primitive antics. Their actions were an expression of dissatisfaction with the status quo, their best attempt to reclaim whatever moral canon they could from their premature baptism in reality. To ridicule their efforts while ignoring our contemporary plight is hypocritical at best. Technology is a wonderful tool, a doorway to the realization of humanity's potential, yet we cannot step through that door and abandon the humanity that brought us this far.
It would appear that the ship has come in...
Ex cathedra,
- ian
The primary storyline of "How Much Longer Can the Writers Convince Us That Allison Has No Brain?" opened yet another chapter with Keith preparing to leave for Seattle. The Psycho- Sap has "given up" and pleads with Allison to grant their sinking "relationship" another chance while Billy fumes in the corner. Allison decides to Put Her Foot Down, but acquiesces and goes out on One Last Date with Keith.
Billy, the Cunning Criminologist, cleverly contrives to chase after the contented couple as they chuckle and chortle their way through an MTV-esque dream date. (Thank God Pauly Shore did not show up.) Billy confronts Keith and Allison under the boardwalk where they are having some fun, and Keith is baring his soul, (never a pretty sight). Keith's job is in the toilet, and the corporate finger is on the flusher; if only Fair Maiden Allison wouldst return to Grey Manor, then all would be well in the Kingdom of Keith. "Natch", replies Allison, realizing that It's Time To Run Away From This Creep.
She evades the Wacky Wooer and Billy gives her another "Dammit Woman! How Many Times Do I Have To Say This!" speeches, to no avail. Keith, it seems, needs a ride to the airport and Allison gets to play Cabbie to the Kook.
Unfortunately, when Allison shows up at Le Maison Du Maniac, Monsignor Grey already has His Meter Running, and it's racking up a Fairly Steep Bill To Pay. He announces that he is not flying back, then proceeds to attack Allison who starts to see everything happening in slow-motion, reverse-angle replay. (Coach Madden had the night off). After a few riffs of Really Scary Music, Allison delivers the Kick To The Groin that only works in movies and television. This being television, she evades Keith long enough to reach the elevator where the T1000 is waiting. (Ack, wrong show.)
Of course the police don't believe her, Keith has some whacked-out story about her attacking him and Billy agonizes between gloating or pretending to care, so Allison takes the High Road and downs a bucket of Smirnoff. Keith heads back to Seattle, leaving Allison with an Excedrin headache and Billy plotting His Holy Revenge. In the last scene, Billy is at the airport buying a ticket to the Emerald City.
The Married Couple joust back and forth in their divorce tourney. Jane's sister Sidney, (no relation to the Australian city) comes to visit, although she's hotter for Michael than anything else. Sidney and Michael schmooze over lunch in a diner that looks suspiciously like the place Brandon worked on 90210, while Michael and Kimberly concoct a cockamamie plan to lie about the entire affair, and still have sex every other scene. Michael also helps Matt get a job at the hospital since the set budget for this season doesn't warrant additional locales.
The Terrible Threesome between Jake, Jo and Amanda started to go downhill this week as Amanda had several more speaking parts. It's the typical Boy dates Girl A, Girl B wants Boy, Girl A hisses at Girl B, Girl B wears low-cut top, Boy glances at Girl B, Girl A chews out Boy for looking at Girl B, Boy feels "restricted", Girl A uses a shower and unmentionables to "unrestrict" Boy, Boy can't forget Girl B, Girl B owns Porsche kinda stories; I'm sure you know the type. The best scene was Jake "racing" his motorbike; nail-biting drama, folks, nail-biting drama...
Matt popped into the storyline for a few scenes with Amanda, Jake and Michael. The Halfway House took a nose-dive and Matt bailed out without a parachute. Faster than he can say "splat", he crash lands in Amanda's shallow personality and walks off wondering what hit him. Fortuitously, Michael offers a Prescription O' Pulled Strings at the hospital, and the promise of employment. What a trooper!
When all was said and done, the episode reminded us that: Keith wants Allison, Allison wants peace, Billy wants a piece (of Allison or Keith, he's not particular), Jane wants to see every man dead, Jo wants to see Amanda dead, Sydney wants Michael, Amanda wants Jake (and the rent cheque), Matt wants a job, Michael wants an ally and cheap sex, Kimberly wants a real relationship with a real man, the Race Announcer wants a real job with real dialogue and Jake wants to know what Amanda looks like on the hood of a Porsche. Pretty basic stuff.
One of continual joys of Melrose Place is the broad cloth of culture it weaves every week. From a distance this tapestry may appear unrefined and poorly-done, yet after close examination, the coarse fibres of dialogue and plot reveal fuzzy revelations about the dismal state of contemporary society.
As a case in point, let us examine the interminable menage a trois between Allison/Success, Keith/Failure and Billy/Innocence. The climatic point in this protracted relationship came with the attempted rape of Success by Failure. Spelling's use of the "rape" imagery is not accidental; he actively seeks an iconic comparison between the two. Failure and rape are vicious acts that leave their victims feeling violated and powerless. Failure in particular wields an immeasurable force of societal impotence over those it dominates, particularly in Calvinist/Protestant cultures where Failure is seen as an inherent fault or error on the part of the failing individual. Indeed, these same ideologies often maintain a woman is raped because she is somehow "asking for it." Regrettably, both images of the "culpable victim" are typically used in accusatory structures that do little to comfort or prevent.
Spelling extends this image by having Failure travel (a previously identified archetype for "freedom") away from Melrose Place. Here Failure exercises his personal freedom, while retaining a sense of power and control over Success, primarily through the emotions of Fear. The situation is analogous to guerrilla warfare tactics, akin to those practiced by revolutionaries like Che Guevara and Ho Chi Minh; tactics calculated to elicit an irrational and weakening Fear response. Innocence is justifiably incensed by this attempt to defile the Purity of Success and pursues Failure (again evoking the Freedom archetype) with vengeance. Innocence realizes that Failure will not stop; the two forces are intractably locked in self-destructive combat.
Extending our intussusceptive analysis to this storyline, we note that Michael/Tradition continues to assert the legacy of male-dominated Western culture over Jane/Future. Tradition's inability to reconcile his differences with the Future remains the primary stumbling block in this story. Kimberly's role is both Seducer and Seducted, she epitomizes Ambition at any cost. The attraction between Tradition and Ambition is logical, particularly in light of Ambitious elements within the Future. Sydney, Jane' sister, represents a younger Future, spiteful and acrimonious toward the Future. Sydney is an element of Immaturity; uncomfortable with her place in the Future, and strangely drawn toward Tradition. Yet, in a cunning mirror of contemporary culture, Immaturity is unable to deal with Ambition, and competes for the same prize.
Note also the fascinating use of Matt/Conscience as a bridging element between Jake/Everyman and Amanda/Temptation. Everyman is obviously attracted by Temptation's wiles, not to mention those smashing legs, but Conscience is ever-present in the encounter. Conscience appears only when Jo/Modern Sexuality is absent for Conscience plays an important role in the moral framework of Everyman. Conscience clashes with Temptation for he can see through her beguiling facade. Tradition also seeks the affirmation of Conscience, though his motives are less than pure. All in all, another fantastic fabric woven from the silken thoughts of Signor Spelling!
Billy goes to Seattle to do a grave bit of digging into Keith's past. Amanda sinks her claws into the Jakester while Jo snaps back. The Married Couple wrestle to the death in the Melrose Place pool [filled with tapioca pudding after a freak mishap involving the newest resident, John Ritter, and the handyman, Don Knotts...]
Jake's motorbike "racing" scenes. I can take the slow speeds, and I can handle the organizer letting Jo snap pictures from the edge of the track, (low insurance deductible?), but the training wheels on Jake's bike were a little much...
1) Keith was married to a woman named "Lily" when we first met him.
2) Jane is suing Michael for divorce, claiming infidelity. Yet who was the first to stray from the Quivering Bed O' Marriage; who was that crawling around on the nightclub floor looking for her wedding ring?
"Sometimes I get a little jealous..." - Billy whips out a phenomenal understatement, unequaled since Dan Quayle said "golly!" on Election Night...
"You make me happy, Allison." - Keith to Allison. Psycho Man tries out Billy's "Knock 'em Dead!" line, but gets the stress on the wrong syllable. Sounds better if you imagine Jack Nicholson saying the line...
"A person who is going to commit an inhuman act invariably excuses himself by saying, 'I'm only human, after all.'" - Sydney J. Harris.
"I'm only human Michael, I don't know what you are..." - Jane to Michael who starts to wonder about those eggs Jane has in the back of the fridge...
"Is he mental, or what?" - Sidney counters back with a witty Mall Chick rejoinder. Omigod!
"You can talk to me." - Billy to Allison.
"Hey! I'm not a bastard!" - Keith to policewoman. I try to use this sentence at least once a day in normal conversation. Variety, they say, is the spice of life...
"I hate to sit around here and wait for the sick bastard!" - Billy to Allison.
"Oh God, this hurts!" - Jane cries out to the Aether.
"Oh God, oh God this hurts!" - Allison, to the Aether.
"So we fight all the time, it's our destiny." - Kimberly to Michael.
"So, I only placed." "It's your destiny." - Exchange between Jake and Amanda.
"The parallels are amazing." - Billy to Allison. Even though he's not a *real* writer (he only plays one on TV), he's right; the parallels are amazing...
"The long-range solution [to high unemployment] is to increase the incentive for ordinary people to save, invest, work and employ others. We make it costly for employers to employ people, and we subsidize people not to go to work. We have a system that increasingly taxes work and subsidizes nonwork." - Milton Friedman, "U.S. News & World Report", March 7, 1977.
"I got laid off this week, it happens to everyone." - Matt bemoans his Fiscal Fate now that the plush social work job at the Halfway House dried up along with the juicy Federal Funding subsidies.
"I can hardly wait to get back in Seattle again." - Keith yearns for the good old days under the stars; just him, his horse, and a tall, non-fat hazelnut latte from Starbucks...
"If you don't do anything, he'll be back in Seattle..." - Billy to policewoman as distant strains of the "Magnificent Seven" theme waft across the set. Either these lines are a total fluke, or they are the cleverest puns I have ever heard...
Daisy, Daisy, give me your answer, do
I'm half crazy, all for the love of you.
It won't be a stylish marriage,
I can't afford a carriage,
But you'll look sweet upon the seat
Of a bicycle built for two
- Harry Dacre, "Daisy Bell", 1892.
"Sometimes you feel like a nut. Sometimes you don't..." - Advertising jingle for Peter Paul candy bars.
"You think I'm some sort of nut, don'tcha Billy? Well stop it!" - Keith reveals a sweet tooth while Billy keeps yanking memory circuits."
"He promised." - Jane, tempted to call Mommy...
"You're very friendly, Mr. Grey." "Well, I try to be..." - Exchange between the policewoman and Psycho-Man, Keith "Smoothie" Grey.
"Can't we stop acting like a child?" - Michael to Jane. The Melrose Place cast is but walking shadows, poor players who strut and fret their hour upon the stage, and then (thankfully) are heard no more. [My apologies to the Bard...]
"Hey, you're back early; I didn't have a chance to get in your bed and get naked." - Billy, aka Mr. Empathy, instinctively knows the right thing to say to a woman who has nearly been raped. He's also pretty quick on his feet at funerals and Bar Mitzvahs...
"I just want you to listen." - Keith to Allison.
"Don't patronize me, bitch!" - Keith to Allison.
"Undo your blouse. Now!" - Keith to Allison. Those extra classes he took at the Mike Tyson School of Dating are starting to pay off...
"I am in control now, got it?!!!" - Keith, during the silence after then-clued-in Space Cadet Allison was shocked by the psychopath. Unfortunately, this irritating thing called Her Right Foot got between Keith and his Sense O' Manhood.
"You were right." - Allison says the three words every woman dreads saying.
"My whole marriage, nothing but a pile of useless crap." - Jane, pondering Matrimonial Bliss, realizes that she just should have bought a dog; it's cheaper, cleaner, and less hassle in the long run...
"What a bunch of crap, Allison!" - Keith steps right into the writer's Freudian slip and gets it all over his shoe...
(c) 1993 Ian Ferrell. The Melrose Place Update is published weekly and distributed via electronic mail and the Graces of Internet. Each article contains a summary of that week's Melrose Place episode with analysis and commentary. Hard copies of previous Melrose Place Updates are available.
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