Welcome to the Melrose Place Update, and in particular, to the second season premiere episode. Despite Justice Department allegations that the Melrose Place Update resorts to monopolistic trading practices to unfairly compete in the marketplace, we are committed to provide you with the finest in thoughtful commentary. So long as Melrose Place soils the airwaves of America, rest assured that the Update will continue to broadcast in crystal-clear stereo.
Technology is a wonderfully overused word that means absolutely nothing. The dictionary defines "technology" as "applied science; the means employed to provide objects necessary for human comfort and sustenance." (With this definition, the phrase "high technology" works out to something less than nothing.)
The goal of technology is to improve the quality of life, primarily, and regrettably, for those who can afford it. The fundamental problem with technology is that it rarely recognizes its ultimate user or its ultimate task. Too often it is a set of disparate tools and features with nary a thought given to how those tools will integrate. Since the process behind a task shapes and defines the task, the process design is critical. Witness the typical Melrose Place plot: without a clear vision of each character, the story tends to wander around, resulting in a cast of thespian Bedouin.
A friend once told me "to move forward, you must work backwards". A clear vision of the "ultimates" is crucial to forge technological realities that complement humanity; we should not drive square pegs into round holes. Technology is not a toy, but an energy we need to understand and consciously define, so as not to be defined by it. Professor McLuhan addressed this in the early Sixties, saying:
"As artists began a century ago to construct their works backward, starting with effects, so now with industry and planning. In general, electric speed-up requires complete knowledge of ultimate effects." - Marshall McLuhan, "Understanding Media", p.355, 1964.
Now where did I put that hammer?
Ex cathedra.
- Ian
In last season's final episode, Amanda bought Melrose Place. Yes, *bought*. With the same job as Allison, Amanda manages to purchase an entire apartment complex on Melrose Avenue in Los Angeles. (I have a sneaking suspicion D&D Advertising is a subsidiary of a certain software giant we all know and love. She probably vested long ago...)
Plot quibbles aside, Amanda throws a Jacksonesque party 'round the pool and invites half of the West Coast. Billy, the angst-ridden lad who cannot choose between Amanda and Allison is chatting on the phone with Allison. Allison, being the personification of Max Weber's greatest nightmare, is banished to work by her evil-step sister Amanda. Seeking her Prince Charming, she calls Billy-boy who naturally urges her to join the party. Worried that her job will turn into a pumpkin if she ever leaves the office, Allison refuses.
Unfortunately, just after Billy hangs up, the phone rings again. Thinking Sweet William is calling back to murmur Tender Words of Love and Adoration down the line to her, the PMS Queen answers the phone and starts to chew the Lascivious Lad out. Imagine her surprise when she realizes that the caller is not her Sweet Baboo but The Stalker, ringing her up to murmur Tender Words of Vitriolic Hatred in her ear.
Allison freaks out and scampers down the hall like a flushed rabbit, right into the arms of Keith, The Psycho Weasel from Hell, who "just happens" to be in the neighbourhood. (Ya right, D&D must hire the same security guards as Microsoft...) Keith comforts the Whimpering Whiner and they throw back a couple martinis together because, well, when you're being stalked, it makes sense to get hammered.
Later, Keith calls up Allison who tries to cool things off, pledging her true allegiance to Mr. Bill in yet another allusion to the Mighty M. Keith, taking rejection like a man, decides the logical response is to whack his head on the television in a vain attempt at self-trepanation. (Don't be too hard on Keith, I have the same urge after ten minutes of any television show with Bob Saget.) In a stroke of brilliance, Keith calls the cops and reports his High-Definition Headache as an attack by The Stalker. Allison's maternal instincts go berserk and she comforts Contused Keith while Billy practices Projectile Vomiting.
Billy puts the story together when Keith alleges the "same tire iron" was used on him as on Billy. Unfortunately for Keith, Billy never identified the weapon. Billy confronts Keith in his hotel room, then tells Allison who (duh!) doesn't believe him. Keith, nervous about Billy's new found intelligence, pays some street thug to call in a threat while Keith is with Allison. Billy, of course, gets that "Hmmmm" look on his face that either means he suspects something or the blonde across the street is not wearing a bra...
Meanwhile (yes, the writers had some spare dialogue) Jake discovers a particular Party Favour he likes at Amanda's wild shindig, much to Jo's alarm. After endless soul-searching and angst-ridden self-analysis, Jo and the Jakester decide to cohabit. The next few scenes are reminiscent of the "Gilligan's Island" episode where Gilligan and the Skipper clean out their hut. Jake cleans carburetors in the bathroom and Jo puts frilly crap all over the house. Oh boy, married life and Palmolive, what a team! The impending plot complication/major bumping of nasties between Jake and Amanda pops up when she drags Jake into her apartment to "help her with a T.V." Jo and Amanda hiss at each other and show claws, but no blood is drawn. Next time.
The Married Couple continue the divorce battle with Jane deciding to go for the jugular and Michael pretending he has no clue why Jane is upset. They run into each other at a restaurant (Michael, of course, has the Good Doctor Kimberly along in case he needs to fill a Prescription o' Love) and Jane decides the correct response is to run to the ladies room and puke. I tried this on occasion and found it really does relax you. Jane decides to go after Michael's future earnings which causes him no end of consternation. Fortuitously, Good Doctor Kimberly has a neat trick she learned involving lawn furniture and sticking her tongue halfway down his throat. Faster than you can say "Ernest Angley", Michael is miraculously cured...
Greetings! Last season, we explored the archetypal imagery behind each character in Melrose Place. We discovered that Allison represents Success, Billy portrays Innocence, Jake is Everyman, the Married Couple stand for Responsibility and Matt exemplifies Conscience. Amanda symbolizes Controlling Temptation, Jo designates the Modern Sexuality, and Keith exemplifies Failure.
The first scene, a party around the Melrose Place pool succinctly describes the community. Water, particularly as a pool, has long symbolized Life; the earliest civilizations often gathered around water, drawing life and rest from it. Signor Spelling uses this metaphorically to evoke an image of family within the Melrose Place social structure. Though each resident is separate, they are ultimately a unit and as such, can withstand exterior pressures with a unified front.
Allison/Success continued her mythic struggle with Keith/Failure. Billy/Innocence can immediately spot Failure, yet Success, by definition, is devoid of such vision. Failure is subtle and seductive around Success, Failure desires Success. The fundamental flaw within Success is her inability to spot Failure for what it is; Success is blinded to the subtle effects and machinations of Failure. Innocence, however, has an inherent clarity of vision that extends far beyond the simplistic bounds of Childhood Innocence; his is a perception wrought of Innocence tempered with Reality. The repetitive images of Failure are accelerating within the story. Failure is growing frustrated and resorting to increasingly desperate means to attain his chimerical vision of Success. Spelling is bound, however, by the mythological constraints of this genre and the predominantly Judeo-Christian belief structure of his audience; as such, Failure is ultimately doomed and will be punished.
The Married Couple/Responsibility continued their self- destructive behaviour. Previously, we noted that the Married Couple idealize the Future and define the cultural imperatives of Responsibility and Tradition. With this plot complication, Spelling describes a bifurcated Future, one split between two disparate realities. One reality, portrayed by Michael, sought a Traditional role but became trapped within it. Rather than learn from Tradition, this Future clothed itself in mindless repetition of the Past, without any thought or contemplation of consequence. This Future lost its vision. The other reality, symbolized in Jane, accepts its role of Responsibility and draws elements but not definition from the Past. Jane realizes her uniqueness and seeks to loose the bonds that clad her to the Ancient Societal Constructs. Any widespread denouncement of Tradition, particularly on this scale, is not without danger; some response is inevitable.
Matt/Conscience appeared momentarily during the initial party scene, indicative of the inherent moral elements present in any cooperative society. Yet as the alcohol and evening wore on, Conscience withdrew for contemporary society is sorely lacking Conscience; indeed great efforts are often taken to eschew Conscience as a form of escapism.
A fascinating symbolic element in this episode was Signor Spelling's cunning use of the television in scenes with Keith and Jake. In the first, Keith/Failure slams his head into the television out of frustration and latent anger. This action expresses the overwhelming influence of television on Failure, epitomizing Spelling's contention that the television plays a major part in Failure. Whether this ideology stems from some internal guilt complex on the part of Signor Spelling, perhaps due to his track record, is difficult to determine. Yet he extends the vision by using the television as a divisive instrument between Jake/Everyman, Amanda/Temptation and Jo/Modern Sexuality. This expression of "television as the wedge in American culture" deserves greater study. No doubt Spelling introduced the concept parenthetically in this episode, meaning to explore it further in the future.
Everyman, epitomizes the daily struggle each man faces when choosing between Temptation and the realities of Modern Sexuality. On one hand, Temptation offers the world, yet she is no more than a siren song portending disaster. Modern Sexuality comprises elements of dangerous stability; she is not a rock, but her fleeting maternal imagery is an elusive and beguiling construct. Everyman's decision remains to be seen, however, Temptation definitely looks better in a short skirt...
The Married Couple divorce reaches "Ground Force Mobilization" stage as United Nations troops storm the hospital searching for renegade lovers. Amanda wanders around pissing off everyone, as usual, and Keith cements his role as the resident wacko/Alexander Haig of Melrose Place (you'll understand more next week). Oh, and Billy will take his shirt off at least once...
I challenge anyone to use all of these in the same sentence, while at work, and not get fired...
"Bitch! I know where you are!" [Gasp] [Look of shock and horror] [Slam down phone] [Try to run on waxed floor with high heels] - The Stalker terrorizes Allison. Keith, the rocket scientist, decides that this line will *really* frighten Allison even though calling someone automatically implies you have some clue of where they are. Allison, resolutely trying to downplay her stratospheric I.Q., plays along with the gag.
"8:00 exactly. You know what to do..." - Keith to Guido the Street Thug, handing him $200. Oh ya, he knows *just* what to do.
"Bitch! I'll kill them all..." - Guido the Street Thug calls Allison, pockets the cash and files Keith's picture under "dork".
"Girls like to be played with, and rumpled a little, too, sometimes." - Oliver Goldsmith. Something tells me that Keith owns the collected works of Mr. Oliver Goldsmith...
"Relax, you're quite safe here." - The Art of Noise, "Paranoimia", 1987.
"Relax, you're with friends." - Levi's "Dockers" advertising slogan, 1992.
"Relax, I own the place..." - Amanda tries Bill Gates' pick-up line on Billy.
"Take a deep breath and relax." - Jake to Jo. Jake may handle a socket wrench all day long, but he also holds a degree in complex mediaeval polyphonic vocal chants. Men *are* back, and they do Madrigals...
"He has a concussion." - Allison defends Keith's constitutional right to wear women's lingerie and belt out Ethel Merman show tunes on the street corner. There is *no* business like show business...
"Ah! Don't go in... [gasp]"What is this?" "I was cleaning my carburetor..." - Exchange between Jake and Jo. My roommates can relate to this...
"I'm going out with Jane and the girls." - Jo to Jake.
"Um, uh, um. Mmm. Um." - Jake to Jo.
"Maybe I need to see my shrink again." - Jo to Jake.
"My mouth was full." - Jake to Jo. With dialogue like this, the deep roots of their relationship really shine...
"It's more than my feelings toward men." - Jane touches her Inner Child and gets her hand slashed...
"Billy; come on in..." - Keith to Billy. Now Billy, already whacked once by this guy, decides there is no danger in accusing him of wrongdoing. After all, he is only in the guy's hotel room, and no one knows Billy is there. What could possibly go wrong?
"He hit me from the front with a tire iron." - Hawkeye Keith manages to notice what hit him, but not who...
"Hmmm... Same tire iron..." - Billy puts two and two together and comes up with fifty-six. I think Billy interned for a summer at NASA...
"Buuulaaahhh!!!" - Jane adjusts by taking the Porcelain Bus for a spin or two around the block.
"Now I am getting down and dirty." - Jane, confronted in a nasty spat with her soon-to-be-ex husband, clutches in desperation at the last thing she remembers from the James Brown concert.
"In revenge and in love woman is more barbarous than man." - Friedrich Nietzsche, "Beyond Good and Evil", p 139. 1885- 1886.
"We shall find no fiend in hell can match the fury of a disappointed woman." - Colley Cibber, "Love's Last Shift", act iv. ca. 1696.
"Heaven has no rage like love to hatred turned, nor hell a fury like a woman scorned." - William Congreve, "The Mourning Bride", act III, sc. viii. 1697.
"Hell hath no fury, and all that crap." - Michael to Kimberly. He is a true student of the classics.
"See you in court." - Jane slams the ball down his throat. Love-40, match point...
"Kimberly, that's so unfair!" - Michael, the classic con artist, adamantly puts his foot down and refuses to accept Kimberly's generous offer of free rent, free board, and free sex on lawn furniture; well, er, uh, if she insists...
"Look at my hopes; my dreams. Look at the currency we've spent. I love you, you pay my rent..." - Pet Shop Boys, "Rent". From the album, "actually", 1987.