Welcome to the Melrose Place Update, a weekly compendium of facts, figures and pedagogical prose concerning Melrose Place; a sneak peek between the sheets earnestly seeking some element of redemption in mindless television pseudo-drama. The Muse's role, as with any construction, should not be ignored. Occasionally, Thalia is seduced, and Melpomene is coerced into joining the tryst, but all too often the task reflects cleansing the Augean stables.
This Hamletesque mulling about is not limited to modern times. In 1787, James Madison, together with Alexander Hamilton and John Jay, pondered the fate of the newly-formed United States of America. The original Articles of Confederation had grown too limited for the rapidly-expanding nation, and the future's challenge appeared daunting. Delegates from around the United States, including Madison, Hamilton and Jay planned to meet in Philadelphia to draft a federal Constitution, a template for America's destiny.
Yet one problem plagued Madison, hovering on the periphery of his consciousness like a bothersome gnat. The problem grew so large, Madison expressed it through several essays, outlining and proposing solutions to the problem, today referred to as "Madison's dilemma".
The dilemma sprang from the proposed Constitution's guarantee of political freedom and the implied rights of personal expression. (The Bill of Rights would not be enacted for four more years, though Madison, destined to be the bill's chief architect, considered the potential ramifications even now.) Madison foresaw groups, or "factions" as he called them, rising up to influence legislation and legislators. Focused on one or two selfish issues, these factions could wrest control from the federal government, in effect becoming the de facto government and process through which public policy is formed. The dilemma lay in controlling factions. If you limit factions, you effectively limit personal freedoms and political expression, yet if the factions are allowed to expand unchecked, they could potentially gain power to such an extent, they would limit personal freedoms and political expression.
His solution, since espoused by nearly every pluralist politico, was to form a republican (small 'r') representative model of government. In essence, he relied on the inner checks and balances of the system, as well as the diversity of government agents to naturally "limit" factional growth and power.
Rush ahead nearly 200 years to 1971. Congress enacts the Election Campaign Reform Act, subsequently amending it in 1974 following the Watergate scandal. The Act limited campaign spending and contributions, along with several other measures designed to promote fair representation.
In the case of Buckley v. Valeo, the United States Supreme Court struck down the campaign spending limits as unconstitutional, but supported contribution limits on donations by individuals. While limitations technically applied to organizational support, accounting methods and independent negative campaigns effectively removed any limit on organizational contributions. Thus, as campaign expenditures skyrocketed, individual (limited) contributions could no longer support the bulk of political campaign funding, and candidates increasingly turned for financial support from the multitude of newly-formed "political action committees" or PACs.
What does this have to do with Melrose Place? Much.
One of my housemates casually observed that Melrose Place is about "control". Which of the Married Couple controls Jane's reproductive system? Can Billy control Allison's love life? Can Jake control his relationship with Jo? Can Jo wrest control of her own life from the nebulous past? While the comment was an offhand remark that wafted from our kitchen with sundry cooking odours, it is, nonetheless, an astute observation about much of contemporary television and America in general. Control is something each of us lacks, desires or resents at some point in our life; we each face personal PACs that barrage us for control.
And besides, I was feeling nostalgic for Schoolhouse Rock...
"By a faction, understand a number of citizens, whether amounting to a majority or minority of the whole, who are united and actuated by some common impulse of passion, or of interest, adverse to the rights of other citizens, or to the permanent and aggregate interests of the community." - James Madison, "The Federalist", no. 10 (1787)
- Ian
Strap yourselves in, boys and girls, because this week's episode is a nonstop freight train through the core of Melrose Place, a tour de force of acting, writing, and pouting.
In the main story, Jake cannot get his Beady Little Mind off that Mysterious Vixen perched above his Cage. After Billy strikes out Royally with Jo, Jake, the Wonder Muffin O' Love, decides to flex his Love Muscle and go for broke. Unfortunately, Jo is broke herself, and enlists the Jakester's aid in selling a bracelet for Cold Hard Cash. When the buyer nixes the deal because the bracelet reads "Beth", Jake looks like a thief. The next few scenes of anger and tears evoked powerful images of Mike Ditka, the Callous Coronary himself, perched on the sideline like a ticking bomb.
Jo "borrows" Jake's motorbike, and shows up the next morning with the police who hand Jake his bike, Jo and a ticket for letting her drive it without a license. Jake is perturbed, to say the least. When she bribes him with dinner out, he relents and they arrive, only to have someone walk up to Jo and call her "Beth". Jake eloquently responds by punching the sap out. Jake finally confronts Jo in her apartment, pleading his emotional case with the articulation of J. Danforth Quayle, the believability of Ernest Angely and vocabulary of Elmer Fudd. Jo breaks down and tells him the whole ugly story of her leaving her boring and predictable husband in New York, and heading to L.A. for a new start. (Definitely not a boring and predictable response.) Jake understandingly comforts her by seeing how far he can shove his tongue down her throat...
Matt continues his discrimination litigation and settles out of court for $10,000 and his old job back. His lawyer, aka "Squeeze 'Till They Bleed" wants to hold out for more, but Matt runs into a former halfway house denizen who shows Just How Far He Got with Matt's help. Matt realizes that He Loves Those Kids, Dammit! and decides $10,000 is a good start for a discrimination legal defense fund. One question Matt: how much of that $10,000 do you count on actually getting? I have my doubts that the lawyer will donate her time and expenses, this is the same lady who wanted a $5,000 *deposit* before she took the case...
Billy-boy suffers through the entire episode with a sore tooth. When Allison finally convinces the goober to Get The Chomper Checked, he returns with a mouth *and* brain full of cotton. During his drug-induced euphoria, he dreams of seducing Allison, who, unbeknownst to him, watches him rolling on the couch clutching a pillow and moaning "Allison, oh, Allison!!" I half-expected Mr. Furley to burst in...
And, not to be outdone, the Married Couple experience Yet Another Challenging Marital Moment as Jane loses her two-bit job at the boutique only to become a Junior Designer at a Very Prestigious L.A. Design Company. Of course the boss is a bitch, but Jane is Bound and Determined to Carpe Diem without Harping. Jane decides that the job change warrants a change in child-bearing plans, and reaches for the Love Dam. Mikey, aka the Ego that Walks Like a Man, sees Jane becoming a Spermicidal Maniac and realizes she has a career; she is not just a uterus with legs. Luckily for him, he comprehends his error quick enough to pack a picnic lunch and shmooze his sorry ass back into the Resident Love Goddess' favour.
Phew!
Good day! The dig at Bag-er-uck-el Fazzad Ha! is progressing magnificently. We have unearthed several more scrolls and Jennings worked feverishly this weekend to translate them in time for the Update. I trust you shall find these writings quite illuminating:
2 And the Woman said Verily, verily I am without gold and silver, and spices and fine rainment and without oil and flour. Do not the birds of the air and beasts on the ground possess more than I?
3 And Jakeb didst steal away to the Woman beseeching her Fear not wanton woman wailing in the desert as if for her demon lover, for even now as thine prayer ascendeth unto heaven I shall bid thee come with me.
4 For the nights are cold upon the land and the lion and the jackal and the beasts of the land do prey upon those who wander the great spaces.
5 And they stole away even while the day was yet young and didst travel a great distance to El-Schmuk the Gold Merchant for the Woman didst possesseth one last piece of gold.
6 Yea, their supplications fell upon deaf ears, for El-Schmuk would not grant them favour.
7 And Jakeb was filled with wrath saying Damnation be upon thee Woman and thine seed for thou hast acted frivolously with me and mine house. Your deceit and trickery travel up and down the land, verily thou shalt not rest before my wrath is spent.
8 But the Woman was wise, and tempted Jakeb saying Behold Weak Worm of a Man, thy loins rule thee, and I rule thy loins.
9 Verily thou shalt supplicate thineself in my presence, and fetch me water when I feel faint for I am thy ruler. Thou shalt serve me as a slave serves its master for I am thine one and true weakness.
10 And Jakeb humbled himself in her presence, saying I am weak and she is strong. Though her breasts be as a wall, her lips are as sweet as honey. May God in His wisdom forgive me for my acts.
11 And Jakeb didst fall.
12 Meanwhile, in a place not far from The Place, the Most Holy of all Places separated from that place, Jain, Wife of Mic- Ha!-El the Healer didst seek a purveyor of fine linens and didst beseech her saying Truly thou hast the finest cloaks in all the land.
13 Verily, thou art hip.
14 Suffer me, that I might join thee in thine labours for thy works are great, and thy margin is extreme.
15 And the Purveyor spoke, speaking Spake I this, truly thy shalt join me Jain.
16 And there was much rejoicing in The Place..
17 Mic-Ha!-El the Healer spake unto his wife, saying Verily woman, thou needest bear me fruit, for what shall become of me when I am old and my joints are weak?
18 As God pronounced, thou shalt bear me the fruit of thine womb, lest I casteth mine seed upon the ground as Onan did of old and entice the wrath of God Almighty upon our house and our flock. Verily, as the sun riseth in the morning only to settle in the eve, I shall not.
19 And Jain spake unto him who was her husband saying, Truly thou art my husband, my shield and my strength in times of pestilence, yet thou possesseth the wisdom of an ass. Yea, though I shall bear thee many fine sons when we are old, bear them today I shall not. For as the wind blows over the land without direction, so too shall my will blow over this house.
20 And Mic-Ha!-El didst cry out unto God saying Truly thou hast cursed me with a wife who is no better than a sheep in the field, wandering o'er the land without a shepherd to guide it.
21 And God spake unto Mic-Ha!-El replied saying Thou shalt not ponder the sheep in the field so long as thy loins ache for thine wife. Nay, verily though thine mind be as dung, I shall grantest thee sons in due course. Thou shalt receive my sign at the appointed hour.
22 And Mic-Ha!-El rejoiced with his wife saying Truly the Lord is good and gracious upon the land. My seed shall no longer be cast forth among the stars. Blessed be the Lord for he hast heard my prayer and the prayer of this house.
23 And there was much rejoicing in The Place.
Once upon a time there was a boy named Jake.
Who never really learned to control his snake.
He said without a care, "What the hell do I know?"
And his very wild oats he did sow, sow ,sow.Well now it's three years later and the jig is up.
A former babe drops by with an empty cup.
Jake quickly finds out why he should stick with Jo.
'Cause the Babe from the Past's got a munchkin in tow.Oh no!
Great show!
Yes, ladies and gentlemen, the Married Couple stooped to new lows of smarmy dialogue this week with some scalding repartee. The verbal spooge that flows between them, particularly when Mikey is trying to schmooze his way out of a marital faux pas is so bad, it warrants its own section. Sickness bags are located in the seat pocket in front of you, have a pleasant ride...
"Why are you making faces at the toaster?" - Michael to Jane.
"The collective term is bitch." - Michael expands Jane's vocabulary.
"Oh Allison! Allison! Oh, oh! Allison!" - Billy to Dream Allison. Is a Dream Allison anything like Dream Barbie? Does that make Billy = "Ken"?
"So, do you dream about me?" - Billy tosses last night's "Studs" question to Allison.
"If we hold out and take this to trial, we can get 100 grand, easy." - Lawyer to Matt.
"So, are you holding out for gum disease?" - Allison to Billy, who wishes he was in Matt's shoes...
"I planned on doing nothing today." "So why don't we do nothing together?" - Exchange between Jo and Jake. If at first you don't succeed...
"Jake, that is an extraordinarily disgusting habit!" - Jo, the social reformer, expresses her outrage at Jake dunking the doughnut/marriage in his coffee.
"Let us begin by committing ourselves to the truth - to see it like it is, and tell it like it is - to find the truth, to speak the truth, and to live the truth." - Richard Nixon accepting the 1968 Republican presidential nomination.
"I don't care what the truth is, I just want to hear it." - Jake to Jo.
(c) 1992 Ian Ferrell. The Melrose Place Update is produced weekly using Microsoft Word for Macintosh and Microsoft Mail. Each article contains a summary of that week's Melrose Place episode with analysis and commentary.
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