Welcome to the Melrose Place Update. For those of you who have never seen this before, suffice it to say that the Update is a motley assortment of maniacal diatribes, nonsensical analysis and brazen repartee. It is loosely designed around the week's episode of Melrose Place, the only Fox television show that does not have "America's Number One Hit Song: Talk To An Angel" associated with it. Such are the agonies of success.
Chances are, most of you noticed that we passed the midpoint of Fall this week and now rush toward the frigid arms of Winter. It is a season of changes, both meteorologically, politically and socially.
The weather now shifts toward the ice and snow of winter; gone are the days filled with promise of the *last* warm day. Fog lays about us, cloaking images in mystery and intrigue. It is there, but not, much as a German Shepherd dances on the fringe of perception, seeking to schmooze a nibble or two from your plate. The temperature is cold, and the dark twilight of morning and late afternoon consumes the day as a ravenous German Shepherd attacks a meaty bone.
America now shifts toward a "new" phase of government. It is a charmed period, rife with promise and hope, dreams and desires. It is a magical time when both the old and the new are ineffective and America coasts on bureaucracy. If we visualize America as a peroxide rinse, we stand on the lip of dark roots; they are there, but not yet apparent. It is a political Schwarzschild radius; a single step and we are committed, yet for the moment we hover.
Our calendar now shifts toward a clutch of festive days and times. Soon Thanksgiving will be upon us, a desperate attempt to cheer our souls with artificial revelry over meeting long-lost and thankfully- forgotten twits who are, to our eternal dismay, related to us. Thanksgiving is the slingshot that fires us, whistling through time toward Christmas, and the ultimate capitalist orgy of self-involved consumption.
"Fair is foul, and foul is fair: Hover through the fog and filthy air." - William Shakespeare, "Macbeth", Act I
Ian
Allison continued her marathon descent into Angst and Pathos this week as Sandy's replacement showed up on the doorstep of Melrose Place, and Michael dealt with a wife-beating co-worker. (Is it just me or does this seem like a ripe candidate for a quick game of "One of these things is *not* like the other"?)
Allison, it seems, is still suffering from Post Partum Syndrome with the Keith-ster. Billy, ever-eager to screw things up, has discovered the "Woman's" magazine genre and decides to apply the Handy- Dandy Advice to Allison's life. Of course, the cynic in each of us knows that Allure, Glamour, Elle, Mademoiselle, Cosmopolitan, Vogue, et. al. are just 250-page Revlon ads, so Billy's clever plan is doomed to failure. Allison rejects every suggestion he makes, and Billy is frustrated.
Fear not, fair Mercutio, for just as we are tempted to take the apothecary's potion, along comes Jo Reynolds and a Cup O' Her is just what Jake and Billy need to wake them up in the morning. She's dark-haired, exotic and looks great in a Bad Attitude; perfect for convincing Billy that Allison is Yesterday's Steak. The problem is, Allison discovers Jo is just what she needs to convince her that Keith was Yesterday's Hamburger. Jo is looking for some new Digs and a Fresh Start on Life since she left her husband in the Big Apple. Allison's just finished Digging her grave at work, so she's looking for some Fresh Start detergent since she left someone else's husband in a beach house in Big Sur. The laundry room launches yet another friendship as Allison and Jo murder a clothes dryer in the Almighty Name of Female Bonding.
The next few scenes are a whirlwind tour a la Thelma and Louise. (Spelling kindly inserted a reference to that movie for those in the audience to young to sneak into a "R"-rated flick.) They get hammered on Tequilas in Jo's house, (a pleasant twist on Spelling's usual formula of depressed man = alcoholic; depressed woman = glutton), and zip over to Shooters for a friendly game of pool with some Neanderthal Cretins, aka Horny Guys. Seems that there were more than nine balls on the table, but Jo knocks every one squarely back in its dis- respective pocket. The Lascivious Losers protest, to no avail. Along the way, we discover Jo left her husband in New Yawk, (it was a "tortured" marriage; a common theme of Melrose Place), although she did bring her Bottle O' Valium along for the ride. Fade to black in a teaser scene with Jake, pissed and wet in a towel, pounding on Jo's door to complain about her running water while he is showering. Strange, he never complained when Rhonda lived there...
"But wait," you say. "There was one other storyline about Michael dealing with a co-worker who beats his wife. A quasi-morality play dealing with male insecurity and inability to deal with stress. Traditional stereotypes of the long-suffering wife and insensitive boob husband. (Not to mention Scott and Liz; the actual combatants.) Dialogue filled with quaint cliches about the masculine inability to express emotion, the constant reliance on violence as a solution to problems and utter lack of recognition that this behaviour is counter to accepted societal norms. Michael is portrayed as a callous oaf, intent solely on his career and material advancement, with little concern for others until Jane bludgeons him with the facts. Jane is the hypersensitive wife who personalizes everything, fearing that her husband will fall prey to the same tradition of violence and insensitivity. An archetypal exploration breaking little new ground, relying on iconic representations of plot and characters to drive story development."
Ya, I guess there was another story, but I was too busy making a sandwich in the kitchen to notice...
[While Dr. Ferreud takes a sabbatical to work on his new book, we at the Melrose Place Update are pleased to introduce the noted British archaeologist, Dr. Flinders Petrie-Dish. Dr. Petrie-Dish has just returned from a fascinating dig near the Dead Sea with an amazing discovery. Read on!]
Good day. Recently, while excavating a centuries- old camel barn in Bag-er-uck-el-Fazzad Ha! my assistant Jennings and I discovered an ancient catacomb beneath the construction. One of the rooms contained a number of empty stone sarcophagi. Empty, that is, except for a small clay jar containing several papyrus scrolls.
The scrolls were written in a hybrid lexicon of First Century (C.E.) Aramaic and traditional Greek, with marginal notes in Latin. We believe the stories contained in the scrolls describe an ancient civilisation that developed around the camel barn. Evidently, there was once a spring that fed a small pool around which the barn was built; primarily as a way station for travelers. Jennings, a noted Aramaic scholar in his own right, and positively snapping in his mastery of archaic Greek has translated one of the stories. Being a regular reader of the Melrose Place Update, I was shocked and amazed when I saw what Jennings had transcribed:
2 And there was great murmuring.
3 For The Place was a Holy Place, the most Holy of all Places for The Place was its name and Holy was this Place.
4 These are the generations of The Place. In the beginning there was Aaron the Speller, who begat Merr-ill the Seaman, who begat Roarke the Purveyor of All that is Fantastic who begat Blaake the Dynastic who begat Brandun the Sideburned who begat Bil-Baruk the Quill.
5 And Bil-Baruk the Quill didst raise his eyes upon high, and cryest out unto the Lord, saying,
6 Oh Lord, Thou hast sent a most terrible vixen, a wanton harlot amongst us, to tempt and purvey all manner of evil upon this land. For much as the ant toils for days under the burning sun, and the calf is suckled until it can suckle no more, so shall our petty days upon the land be.
7 Why, oh Lord, hast Thou done this to these Thy loyal, albeit smarmy, followers?
8 And Jakeb the Moody didst rent his clothes asunder and wandered the streets of The Place in sackcloth and ashes, though his mighty chest lay exposed for all to see and marvel therefore.
9 And he didst seek to seduce the wanton harlot, for his loins were distressed.
10 But the woman cast him from her chambers, saying Behold, I am from afar, from the land of Nu El-yak.Thou art but a loathsome bit of dust beneath my feet and I shall wash thee from me.
11 Now El-al-Eson heard the Woman and was comforted for she was without a man. And El-al- Eson sought out the Woman, bearing jars of wine and baskets of bread in supplication.
12 Then the Woman answered saying, Behold, men are but swine upon the earth, they buzz about us as flies buzz about dung heaps in summer.
13 They are as wild asses in the desert, going forth into the barren land without thought or direction.
14 They are as little children playing in the tents, laughing as they seek a mouse.
15 They are as willow reeds by the river bending in the wind.
16 Truly we must remove ourselves from this Place.
17 And they did.
18 But Jakeb and Bil-Baruk the Quill seest them go, and conspired together saying, Verily, they run as gazelles upon the plain. We shall pursue them as the hunter pursues his prey with cunning and the blessing of the Lord.
19 And so it was decided.
20 And it was pretty good.
21 And it too came to pass that Mic-Ha!-El the Healer didst travel a great distance to his field, whereupon he met a Samaritan who smote his wife and cattle.
22 And Mic-Ha!-El the Healer didst cast his eyes upon the ground saying, Verily I shalt not bear witness unto this for I am but a poor Healer and the Samaritan is mighty and great upon the land. How hast I to report to the elders, verily I fear for my life, and for my ass in this field.
23 But Jain, his wife spake unto him, saying Thou art a worm, my noble husband, though thy legs be as steel and thy arms be as bronze bucklers, thy will be as that of a crying child cast forth from his mother's teat.
24 And Mic-Ha!-El the Healer answered, saying Damnation and frogs be upon thee woman! For verily, though I fear for my life and for my ass in this field, I fear more that thou wilst not know me, for verily thou art a storm cloud in this household. And Mic-Ha!-El didst counsel with the elders who judged the Samaritan and found him wanting.
25 And he was stoned for his sin.
26 And the Lord didst look down upon the land, and all that lay under Him and didst open His mouth, saying,
27 Verily, verily, this Place is blessed upon the earth with low rents and high expectations. Ye shall not see wind, neither shalt thou see rain, nor shalt thou see hail, nor shalt thou see scorpion nor wild boar, neither shalt thou see any manner of pestilence for the Lord hast looked down upon this place and pronounced it blessed.
28 And it was mildly bitching.
Jake and Jo
Sittin' in a tree.
B-I-T-CH-I-N-G
First comes Seduction
Then comes Lies
Then comes Jake sportin' two black eyes...
Watch closely at the end of this episode when Jake tramps up the stairs, clad only in a towel, to chew Jo out for running the water while he took a shower. On his left side, just below the rib cage, he has this enormous lump. If it were a foot lower, I would bet on a hernia, but it is awfully high for a hernia. Perhaps Jake spent some time on LV-486 with Sigourney Weaver, selling his soul to the Company? That would explain why he has unlimited cash to rent the apartment by himself, but we never see him work...
"You've got that strong right-side brain." - Michael compliments Jane. I am surprised she did not show him that strong right-side backhand...
"If you play it right, you might make some connections..." - Scott to Michael.
"This is nosy and obnoxious." - Allison lets Billy know that his help is not needed.
"I don't know Jane; when did you get so nosy?" - Michael to Jane. Spelling engages in a bit o' rhinoscopy...
"I'll think of you every time I shower." - Jo to Jake. Jake's loins start to burn...
"I am not a crook." - Richard M. Nixon, press conference, November 11, 1973
"The cheque is in the mail." - Anonymous proverb.
"Oh, it's over between me and Keith..." - Allison to Billy. Uh-huh.
"Oh Jane! That's ridiculous!!" - Michael to his dim-witted better half.