Welcome to the Melrose Place Update. Each week our little blue planet plods along its elliptical path, with nary a thought for the past, and little concern for the future. It is gifted with only the present. Yet one group of people, a motley assortment of technical types, poets and truthseekers huddled on this marble of magma and mud pauses each week for a few minutes to ponder the elusive mysteries of life and American network television. Palladian goals indeed; as incorporeal as the AetherNet they vault through; as random as the gentle breeze that filled Ulysses' sail and soul with discovery.
If one social phenomena epitomizes the Pacific Northwest, it is this region's lust for the fruit of the coffea arabica plant; the lowly coffee bean. Cafe Americano. The traditional Cup O' Joe. It is the Jekyl and Hyde of hot beverages; an object of supreme adoration in the hands of a true believer; a much-maligned substance when subjected to the warm embrace of hot-plate hells at McDonald's. Yet as the drug addict seeking a higher high will increase the dose, exploiting any side effect to seize the goal, the jaded Java connoisseur soon moves on to the potent pastures of espresso and latte.
This week's Melrose Place Update is no exception to the orgy of extra-strength brews; due to my absence last week, patrons of the Update get to savour a double- episode-strength blend. So sit back, pour a cup or two and let the aroma of bad television, the bitter taste of poor scripting and even worse acting assault your mental taste buds.
Welcome to the coffee klatsch of the mind; refills are on the house...
- Ian
The episode opened with a scene of Idyllic Tranquillity, the lonesome lovers spooning their souls in Keith's Pad O' Pleasure. Allison is still torn between her Undying Desire for this man, and some Unspoken Reservation. Billy errantly proposes his opinion, which Allison does not appreciate and lets him know in full force. (If you have not noticed yet, the producers are beginning to serialize Melrose Place stories to keep you coming back for more.)
The Happy Gang meet at Shooter's, where the Mystery Man (a.k.a. Keith) will magically appear. Allison reveals his "Till Death Do Us Part" Pre-Existing Condition to The Gals who promptly pooh-pooh her lustful view. When Keith shows up, the patented Melrose Place Cold Shoulder is firmly applied, and he and Allison run off for another Night O' Unbridled Passion.
Meanwhile, Matt has a date with a homosexual fellow Rocking The Cazbah. After they leave the nightclub and go their separate ways, Matt is accosted by a group of "Yes on 9" Oregonians. When the dust settles, Matt is lying in the gutter working on a new definition of "pain" for American Heritage. Matt manages to stumble home where Jake finds him and rushes him to the hospital. As usual, the L.A. Boys In Blue are ineffective and ho-hum their way through Matt's statement. Jake eloquently enunciates his moral revulsion at such hideous social expressions of violence in a stirring monologue and we cut to a commercial.
Allison wanders The Wilderness of Angst and Pathos, oscillating between love and confusion for the Keith-guy. Billy struts and frets his hour upon the stage, bemoaning Allison's fate, and his own Kafka-esque inadequacy. Allison gets in Major Trouble at work, but luckily The Boss is the sort of woman who has Been There Before and seems willing to bankroll Allison's personal Descent into Relationship Hell. Billy confronts Keith, accusing him of leading Allison down a Sordid Path O' Passion, to no avail. Allison decides to leave Keith, but when she shows up at his house, he declares his undying love and pledges to leave his wife. My oh my.
While Matt is at the Halfway House, a L.A.P.D. investigator drops by to get another statement, and Matt's boss discovers His Employee Is Gay! Seconds later, Matt is unemployed for meaningless reasons, and feels he is on the Dirty End of the Discrimination Stick. Jake is, naturally, understanding and sympathetic, launching into another elegant discourse of rational action. Matt nixes the hitman suggestion but agrees to sue the pants off the boss, and sets about getting a lawyer.
In a background storyline, Sandy is discovered by a Major East Coast Talent Scout who promptly flies her to The Big Apple for a soap opera screen test. Of course she is accepted, (since Amy Locane has left Melrose Place to pursue a movie career) and we bid farewell to our beloved peri. Rhonda will be on the lookout for a new roommate next week...
It was with great pleasure that I returned this week from the yearly Freudian Conference in Vienna. Although my mother could not attend this year due to a persistent cold, I enjoyed the opportunity to meet with my colleagues on the Continent and exchange Melrose Place observations. I discovered that the show loses some symbolism in Germany where Jake was incorrectly translated to Aubrey (a Germanic derivative for "powerful elf".) Such are the limitations of localization...
I trust that you extended our interpretations of Allison and Keith's affair from the previous episode. Success continues to flirt with Failure while Innocence struggles to accept and understand the entire situation. Success/Allison's boss reprises her role as another agent of Responsibility, this one tempered with Understanding. All in all, a meaningless and regrettably contrived plot element.
In the new storyline, Matt/Conscience is brutally beaten by three men outside of a nightclub called The Cazbah. The Cazbah, or more correctly "Kasbah", is a traditional, older quarter in the city of Algiers; indeed the name denotes old native quarters in several Arab North African cities. Spelling provides a hint in this allegorical reference to traditionalism. Notice too that Matt is beaten by three men, and one calls him a "faggot". Faggot, in addition to its obscene reference to homosexual men, traditionally meant a bundle, the verb tense of faggot implies the act of binding.
Thus, in this story we see Spelling drawing attention to some influence which seeks to bind Conscience, to restrict it. The three men symbolize Fundamentalist Christianity, again an allegorical reference to the symbolism of three and the trinity in Christianity. Spelling, as an agent of Hollywood, naturally feels some threat from the neo-classic, traditionalist Moral Majority; Jerry Falwell, Pat Robertson and Jimmy Swaggart. Jake/Everyman is uncomfortable with homosexuality but comfortable with homosexuals, and supports Matt/Conscience in his philosophical battle for Justice. We see Everyman's Conscience struggle with the issues at play; initially seeking solace with Billy/Innocence and Rhonda/Everywoman before abandoning that approach for a singular defense with Everyman.
The serialization of Melrose Place sounds a death knell for complete symbolic analysis of a story; it is difficult to weave true meaning from scattered ideological threads and figurative rags. It does provide an ideal opportunity for Spelling to enrich his symbolism and draw greater meaning from each story, as it is stretched over several episodes.
I was very disappointed to see the disappearance of Sandy/Sex. "What," you ask, "will Dr. Ferreud do, now that Sex has left the show. Does this spell the end of Dr. Ferreud?" Well, it is true that no good Freudian scholar could possibly abandon Sex for any psychoanalytic exercise, yet this does raise the question of what overwhelming force could instigate the demise of Sex? Sex represents the core of Freudian philosophy, the fuel that drives the Id. There is no entity, no emotion so overwhelming in psychosexual imagery that could possibly usurp Sex in importance; no one, that is, except for Mother...
How does Jake get beat-up and bleeding Matt to the hospital? When Jake returns to Melrose Place and discovers Matt trying to open his apartment door, Matt can barely hold his house key and stand erect. Yet Jake drives a motorcycle. What did he do, strap Matt to the fairing like an elk?
"See you tonight." "I've really got to check in on my apartment and my friends." - Exchange between Keith and Allison. Oddly enough, your humble Melrose Place scribe has heard the same words before. Am I toying with you? Ouch!
"Is there anything I can do?" "You don't understand." - Allison, never one to alienate her closest friends, warmly accepts Billy's support.
"He's not my boyfriend." - Jake's masculinity is threatened by a lady cop who assumes Jake and Matt are more than just "good friends".
"Can't we all be friends?" - Rodney King.
"Oh man. Ok, we handle this ourselves. We take a couple of baseball bats, find these guys and we beat the crap out of them..." - Jake reprises his role as the Henry Kissinger of Melrose Place.
"For never was a story of more woe Than this of Juliet and her Romeo." - William Shakespeare, "Romeo and Juliet"
"Nobody approved of Romeo and Juliet either..." - Keith to Allison. Keith suffers from the same lack of distinction between fictional characters and reality that plagued a [former] vice-president...
"Dead means dead, Allison; there's nothing left..." - Keith explains his marital relationship to Allison, while cleverly skirting the issue of why there is a dead rabbit simmering in the pot of soup on his stove.
"I can't get you out of my head." - Allison to Keith, screwing up a perfectly good Cure quote...
Jake takes careful notes...