SCENE: Suburban house, set back in impressive stand of trees. [Camera zoom in to front of house.] Through the front window, we see a Group o' Young Professionals clustered around their television like Pavlov's dogs around the feeding chute. [Camera pull back to full house shot.] Outside, a well-dressed, attractive white male spokesperson with impeccable hair grasps his microphone tightly and begins to speak.
ANNOUNCER: I am standing outside of the world-famous residence of The Melrose Place Update. Today, we've secretly replaced their normal hour o' entertainment with "Rock The Vote", a political awareness program. [Camera shot of tittering television control room personnel switching videocassettes.] Let's see if they recognize the difference...
[Hidden camera shot of house interior.]
IAN: [drooling in anticipation] Channel changer! Channel changer! It's nine-o-clock, do you know where your brain is?
[Group o' Young Professionals leans forward in excitement. Gap commercial fades and glitzy, MTV-esque "Rock The Vote" program begins...]
ERIK: Ack! I can't believe this. No Melrose Place? Ack!
ROGER: Hmmm... Maybe it is something wrong with the cable television signal. [whips out oscilloscope and begins analyzing signal waveform.]
KEVIN: What!?!?! No Melrose Place?! And I missed 90210! [Nikki the Dog wanders over to drool on him in sympathy.] Nikki, Go Away!!
JENNIFER: [working on needlepoint] Nikki, come here!
[Dog ignores her, continues drooling.]
IAN: [wiping a tear from his eye.] What will I do?!?
ERIK: [looking obviously distressed] I'm sorry, it must have something to do when I moved the firewood. Maybe I damaged the television cable. It's my fault. Ack!
ROGER: [glancing up from Gordian Knot of television cable and oscilloscope electrodes.] Hmm... It's not the signal, our impedance is fine and the reverse inline-transaxle, torque pressure displacement ratio is well within published NTSC specification standards. It must be the cable station...
ERIK: [shaking his head in shame] It's my fault. No Melrose Place! I'm sorry.
IAN: I cannot believe it! A show about the election! No Gap ads, no Sandy in tight shorts, no Freudian nightmares of sexual perversion and maternal complexes. Only this weak MTV-Goes-To-The-Polls show.
KEVIN: But, Madonna will be on with her Attack Bra! Nikki! Leave me alone! [Nikki drools more.]
JENNIFER: [working on needlepoint] Nikki, come here!
[Dog ignores her, continues drooling.]
[Cut to exterior shot of house and slick announcer.]
ANNOUNCER: Well, there you have it. [Nikki the Dog glances outside, sees announcer, and begins barking maniacally.] Nothing is slick enough to replace the genuine Melrose Place. Lucky for them, it will return next week at its regular time. [Kevin lets Nikki out front door. She lunges at Announcer who runs for his life down the street.] We will see you then!
Ex cathedra
- Ian