Television junkies immediately recognise Melrose Place as a mid-1992 spin-off from Beverly Hills 90210. The show fermented in the mind of Aaron Spelling; a modern-day Cerberus who guards the entrance to tele-cinematic Hell. Indeed, it was Aaron Spelling who sentenced America to hours of such mind-numbing fare as The Love Boat, Charlie's Angels, Dallas, Fantasy Island, and 90210.
Seeking to entrance the "20-something" generation with their mystical powers, the Spelling Entertainment Group conjured up Melrose Place for the 1992-93 season. The initially melodramatic, angst-ridden exploration of life surviving under the crushing weight of greedy Baby Boomers stumbled, yet after a quick switch to a lurid soap opera format, the show caught on with the lobotomised masses.
Despite these naysayings of moral doom, when examined within the proper context and by the appropriate experts, the weekly Melrose Place drivel takes on a near-mystical air; a phoenix of significance rising from seared expectations. In true McLuhanesque fashion, the medium bares its own message.
To address an international thirst for deeper Melrose Place knowledge, the Melrose Place Update formed in late 1992 under the editorial leadership of Ian Ferrell, a frustrated technology-industry employee. Here at the top secret Melrose Place Update Laboratory and World Headquarters buried hundreds of metres beneath the Earth's crust, the Melrose Place Update staff examines each and every episode of Melrose Place in excruciating detail. Respected experts from all walks of life strip the story down to sheet metal and leave no plot complication unexplored. Without shedding a tear, each specialist tears through the onion-skin layers surrounding the sweet-smelling essence of Melrose. Character development? Bah! Continuity problems? Pooh- pooh! Real-world parallels? Please!
The Melrose Place Update broadcasts each week to over 1500 subscribers around the world, on every continent except Antarctica. The list is archived at http://www.speakeasy.org/~dbrick/Melrose/melrose.html for users with WWW browsers. Rumour has it there are other sites available; if so, please drop us a line so we can add them to the standard list.
The Melrose Place Update team of expert analysts works overtime to ensure each reader receives the news and commentary he needs to transform Melrose Place from one of the most reprehensible shows on television to the "hoot and holler" farce it deserves to be. Authorities like:
Dr. Angus Ferreud, internationally-respected sociologist, psychologist and expert on mythical sexual imagery in popular media. Dr. Ferreud studied in Europe for many years, tutored in psychoanalytic style by the classic Freudian methodologists. In the early Sixties, Dr. Ferreud moved to America where he published several influential works on Freudian imagery in popular culture and soon became a darling of the talk-show and decadent-New York-cocktail- party circuit.
Dr. Ferreud spent much of 1993 polishing up a seminal treatise on "Amazing Discoveries: The Brazen Sexual Innuendo of Infomercials", published in the American Journal of Sex in the Media. When he is not searching Southeast Asia for fertility cults, Dr. Ferreud enjoys a quiet evening at his brownstone cottage with a stout bottle of port and a thick book. This summer, the good doctor completed research on parallels between the Hardy Boys and Nancy Drew mystery series and Melrose Place, a comparison he feels is "long overdue, given the rampant metaphorical references to gratuitous intercourse and urban male angst throughout the children's series". When he can wrest some free time from his hectic research and lecture schedule, Dr. Ferreud regales Melrose Place Update readers with thoughtful and thought- provoking expositions on the psychosexual imagery pervading Melrose Place.
Dr. Flinders Petrie-Dish, internationally-known archaeologist and expert on Middle Eastern co-operative settlements. Dr. Petrie-Dish is an old friend of Dr. Ferreud since both took part in an archaeological expedition to Crete several years ago. The two have kept in touch and occasionally collaborate on research efforts, the most recent being "From the Venus of Willendorf through Anna Nicole-Smith: Voluptuous Female Figures in Popular Culture as a Measure of Social Discomfort".
In 1993, Dr. Petrie-Dish and his faithful assistant Jennings unearthed a number of fascinating tablets while on a dig along the Jordanian border. The tablets outline a Old Testament-era settlement known only as "The Place", whose epic history bears startling similarities to Melrose Place plot developments as well as using traditional Biblical narrative constructions. Cognisant of his discovery's ramifications, Dr. Petrie-Dish immediately telegrammed the Melrose Place Update staff and graciously agreed to report his findings. Dr. Petrie-Dish checks in from time to time with recent tablet translations; his revelations can be quite astonishing.
Dr. Warren Cooper, financial wizard from Harvard University and Dartmouth College manages the Melrose Place Fund, a special mutual fund based on the financial indicators of Melrose Place. Dr. Cooper gained notoriety in the early Eighties after his mutual fund broke all performance records and he revealed that his stock picks were based on economic insights he gleaned from watching Dallas.
Dr. Cooper's current insights into the convoluted world of business and complex fiscal transactions hail from market indicators hidden in each episode of Melrose Place. With Warren's investing advice, the innocent Update reader may become so rich he will not need the television teat's comfort to numb the proletarian pain. Then again, he could lose his shirt, but that's life...
The Melrose Place Update also includes regular features like:
The Episode Summary As if you actually have time to watch the show? Come on! Skip the whole exercise; we watch it for you. Think of the Update as your one-stop, pop culture Quikki-Mart without that noxious burning hot dog smell.
The Melrose Place Statistics Just how many "Meaningful Glances" and "Gratuitous Short Skirt Shots" were there? Did Michael have six "Lucifer Sneers" or only five? And what about Alison's constant apologising? We count each and every one.
New Vocabulary Words Stretch your mind and suspend your disbelief as the Melrose Place writers flex their collective vocabulary. Can you use "mantra" and "endorphin" in the same sentence? The writers tried to...
Who Actually Worked In This Episode? You might think living on Melrose Avenue in Los Angeles would engender a fair share of expenses. You might think a job or some form of work is needed to meet such expenses. Think again...
Quotes of the Week You heard it once, now hear it again, but with a new slant! Remember folks, the writers are paid genuine U.S. currency to dream these terrible lines up, the least you can do is laugh...
Special reports Where else will you find comparisons between Michael Mancini and Ted Kennedy? Who dares tally up which Melrose Place characters have committed Federal and state crimes on their "Sashay to the Slammer?" What about Alison's cheek bulge or Jake's belly tumour? Are there parallels between Melrose Place and The Love Boat? The Melrose Place Update researchers exist solely to document, interpret and explain, using simple English that the layman can understand...
Episode Problems Hair that rises and falls. Windows that open and close. Glasses that are empty then full, then empty. Such are the continuity problems that plague Melrose Place, and rest assured, you will not miss them.
Reader mail Think we are weird? You should read our mail...
Melrose Place switches nights and times this season, airing Monday evenings at 8:00 p.m. on Fox 13 in Seattle. Readers outside the Puget Sound region should check their local listings for broadcast times. Tune in, then compare your findings with the Melrose Place Update. We guarantee you will come away feeling you watched a completely different show.
Welcome to the Melrose Place Update. We hope you enjoy the season and the show,
ian ferrell
The Melrose Place Update is an all-digital production. Please send all comments to ianf@microsoft.com
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http://www.speakeasy.org/melrose.htmlKudos to Mr. Douglas Brick at the University of Washington who generously volunteers his time to ensure the site stays current.
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