It is very dark outside. I sit in my office, the Cyclopean glow of the monitor my only illumination. Beyond the window, sodium lamps carve islands of light from the parking lot's faceless black. In the glass I see a wraith: a solemn individual staring at me with no expression. Where its eyes should be lie two cold screens: piercing white cataracts masking its vision and mien. I see this individual every week, and every week I try to crawl inside its thoughts and wrest some nugget from them. The face remains expressionless, its true self doomed to ever hide within Plato's phantasm.
Over the past few months I entertained many calls and letters about the Melrose Place Update. What once was a most joyous secret, a quiet glade with peace and serenity, transformed into a theme park. From the slumbering field rose a concrete wasteland plastered with capricious tourists and pimply-faced adolescents hawking tawdry plastic souvenirs. The trip has become a destination; an endpoint for what once was immeasurable beginnings. "What of this Melrose stuff?" voices ask. "It's computers eh? That Information Superhighway thing: 500 channels and nothing's on, heh, heh, heh. An electronic coffee klatch for disaffected X'ers with a net tap. Pretty advanced for such an angry age. Yet of all possibilities, why Melrose?" Why indeed.
Centuries before tonight, I wanted to be an archaeologist. I would run home from the library to read stories of the great antiquarians, of Howard Carter and Lord Carnaervon peering through a dusty cleft in a wall plastered shut thousands of years ago. "What do you see?" Howard Carter asked eagerly. Lord Carnaervon caught his breath to reply. "Wonderful things", he said. "Wonderful things."
This season explored many issues and ideas on both screens. Strapped to the roller-coaster of Melrose we shrieked down allegorical chasms and screamed through plot corkscrews. Beneath the watchful gaze of McLuhan, et al, we tuned in each week with breathless anticipation. The writing is disposable, the acting transparent. Yet in this day of MTV and Nike and Sega, when news is no longer organised around events so much as it organises and defines events, in a time when original Nancy Drew books fetch $300 a copy and twelve-year-olds kill each other at school with knives and guns, people still ask "Why Melrose?". Why indeed.
I am wickedly jealous of archaeologists. With nothing but a trowel and brush they piece together shards of clay and brittle shreds of parchment, opening a fissure to the long passed. Determined to follow in their dusty footsteps, I set out one day to explore my backyard. Sneaking the key to our shed from under my sleeping Mum's interrupted regulation, I soon had a red-handled spade turning the stony ground of our suburban plot. I was about three feet deep into my expedition when the next-door neighbour peered over the privet. "Hey! What are you doing?" he asked with that 'you're screwing with something you shouldn't be, eh?' adult tone of voice. "I'm looking for lost civilisations," I replied, earnestly proceeding to explain my motives. "Why would you want to do that?" he responded, shaking his head. Why indeed.
Ahead lies an empty summer, an endless ocean beach and quiet moments with a lonely Siberian Husky luring me away from the solitary office with its single, relentless eye. Avril turned nine this year, that once-black muzzle white with age as she stretches her stiff legs beside me. September will be here soon enough and with it a host of new issues. Until then, we can bound over immeasurable dunes and explore limitless smells until we collapse panting on the sand. Avril never asks why. She has only the present and a distant, foggy past. Indeed, she is the only one who understands.
It is still very dark outside. Dark and motionless; it always is. The reflection has not moved, its stoic expression petrified in the amber glass. Perhaps in September the changing season and its prickly wind will drive the tourists from the park like so many dry leaves bustled along the drive. Perhaps at the edge of the concrete pad, beyond the cobwebbed ticket counters and the last oil-stained parking spot remains a small hill of green grass. Perhaps when the final camper follows the spotlight out the gate we can wander the ghostly lanes and reclaim the playground. Perhaps indeed.
Ex cathedra,
-- ian
If you thought the Melrose Place writers could pack a bucket of nonsense into a single hour, just wait 'til you see what they can do with *two* hours. Quick, take that timeslot away from them before they hurt someone with it! Just about anything that could happen did, save for loosing the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse which may in fact have happened while I was raiding the refrigerator for stale fruitcake during the wedding scene. Being Canadian, I always keep a little bit around for emergencies like this...
When we last left Stripling Syd, she was wandering the Mean Streets of L.A. looking for a wallet with $15,000, give or take a buck. Three other upstanding young women in hot pants and lace-encrusted push-up bras, evidently looking for a similar wallet, take exception to Syd's search and wallop her a few times. Cut to Angst and Pathos scene as Syd does her "Pope landing in a new country" impersonation: kissing the ground and muttering Latin phrases. The writers spin the Melrose Place Wheel of Fortune and guess which hospital / doctor combo Syd gets? Of course, it's none other than Kimberly "I'm really an Alien from LV-486" who nurses the confused and contused cocotte back to health, all the while cursing that thoughtless bastard of a man: Michael Mancini. Lucifer Leer himself is oblivious to the fact that Sydney is in the hospital. Current Events 101 paging Dr. Mancini!
Kimberly suddenly finds a light bulb levitating over her head and convinces Sydney to meet her at Griffith Park, greasing the wheels of agreement with a stash of cash she has left over from Jane's profit sharing. They meet and Kimberly preaches the salvation of the persecuted, asking for a wee free-will offering of help to rid the world of Mr. Lucifer Smirk. Syd is confused and anxious but finally acquiesces, no doubt thinking she's trapped in the F/X plot line and Bryan Brown is right around the corner.
Back at the Michael Mancini Mansion of Hot Sex & Cheap Thrills, Kimberly reduces Mike to a quivering mass of limp Jell-O with her "Zsa Zsa" wig. Michael, panting, asks for a beer, which Kimberly fawningly retrieves for him, pausing only slightly to pack Michael's favourite "BillyDee" Malt Liquor with sleeping pills. Gland Man, unaware of the plot since Colt .45 tastes like aspirin water anyhow, quaffs the tampered pint and mumbles about having to meet Jane seconds before collapsing on the bed like a dead carp. With Sydney's help, Kimberly stuffs Michael into his Kevorkian Coupe O' Doom and starts the motor...
The ladies sneak out the back door with Boris Badenov, cackling with glee but a few minutes later Jane shows up at the scene all ticked off because Michael is late for the meeting. Seems Jane has Yet Another Fashion Deal In The Works and is not about to let a dilatory divorced doctor hold up her progress. (Did you miss this story line? Never matter: guy named Chris has bad Australian accent, wants Jane and her clothes, preferably separately, and has buckets of money. End of plot until next season.) Michael's a little blue when they finally break down the garage door but seconds later Jane has the Lips O' Love locked around her perverted ex- partner's proboscis. Michael revives and makes a sly comment about the kiss. Jane sputters. Cut to coffee commercial. Go figure.
Now you're probably wondering about the wedding. Well, Alison, never one to let Rationality and Calmness dissuade her from freaking out wherever possible, takes the wedding story and runs away with it. We start off with estranged sister "Meredith" (is there anyone out there under thirty named "Meredith"?) turning down Alison's wedding invitation. Alison mentions this to Mom and Pop on the way home from the airport: Psycho Pop-dude rambles on about Meredith's drug habit and her frequent trips to Waco. Mom stares out the window with co-dependent indifference and Alison puffs out her cheeks. Donna Reed to the white courtesy phone, please!
Billy confronts Rob about the Little Kiss That Could he saw out the front window (but evidently Spelling's camera crew couldn't...) last episode. Rob mutters something about Matt getting stuck in a garage with his car running, no, wait, wrong plot.
Anyhow, Rob admits that he is gay. Billy's face turns into a movie screen with the feature presentation several college years of Billy wandering out of the shower past his (now discovered to be) gay roommate. Billy points out Rob dated women. Rob points out he wasn't sure about things and decided it was best to Leave His Sexuality Hanging In The Closet, so to speak. Billy breaks into a cold sweat and probes for whether Rob found Billy attractive. Rob says no. Billy looks hurt then realises it's okay to have a gay friend so long as he never stared at you in the shower. Fade scene with some friendly television anchor/weatherman-esque bantering. Look closely and you can see Spencer Christian smiling in the background.
Wait, I forgot about Amanda. (Remember this was a *two* hour long episode.) Chas, aka Fat Boy, is suing D&D for $10 million, alleging Amanda tried to seduce him. (Shouldn't Chas *owe* D&D $10 million in this case?) Bruce is not pleased with this, and urges a settlement. Amanda will have none of that as she declares her innocence. Alison, of course, is caught in the middle, being a witness who could Never Tell A Lie but sure can be led along in her testimony.
Amanda and Jake fight all the time which doesn't help Jake as he tries to mend his fences with Jo. (Jake will never, much to the chagrin of viewers everywhere, catch these two women at the right time...) Jake is torn, having just discovered he has emotions, which cannot be treated with penicillin, and vacillates all over the pool deck. Alison's dad doesn't appreciate this as he is trying to organise a wedding vaguely reminiscent of the Berlin Airlift. TV weddings, you realise, involve lots of extras carrying wood and plants onto the set while Gavin McLeod looks on with pride from the shadows. (I'm mixing shows here, but concept is similar...)
Alison's testimony drives a stake into D&D's pocketbook and things look grim until Ma Michaels wanders by the homestead to hear Chas yukking it up and gloating over his lawsuit scam. All Good characters in the scene exchange Don Knotts' Looks of Shock and Horror. Ma immediately brings this news to the attention of the judge who overlooks the fact that Amanda testified at a sex harassment hearing in a skirt shorter than Chas' real resume and throws the case out. Chas storms out of the room and all is set for a warm scene between Mother and daughter but Amanda will have none of it and banishes her mother to an even worse show. (Sweaty palms, sweaty palms...)
Getting back to the wedding, Alison has managed to destroy the entire Melrose Place set, covering the pool with 2x6s and hanging lacy crap all over the place so it looks like a Victoria's Secret exploded nearby. The writers, fearing that 2 hours might in fact be a little *too* long for even them to pack full of dialogue, switch to Hugs-And-Kisses Mode where bridal goodwill flows like the hard liquor over in the groom's quarters. (What *is* taking Michael so long with the case of Colt?) Hugs-And-Kisses Mode works well until Daddy Dearest takes Alison off to the side to Whisper Warm Words of Compassion and Love in her ear. Alas, Dear Old Dad's words provide the last number for Alison's Mental Combination Lock and she suddenly realises where all those Nasty Nightmares come from...
Dad threatens her with Certain Death should she tell anyone then leaves so she can change and run away. Well, not exactly, but that's what she does... Billy freaks out, Jane freaks out, Jo freaks out, Michael drops a snide one-liner and Amanda bitches in her Second Skin Black Suit. While no one is looking, Kimberly steals Jane's car. (No joke!) Meanwhile, the Pool Boy sulks offscreen, wondering how in hell he'll ever get the crepe flowers out of the pool filter...
Next day, Dr. Mancini is Hard At Work when he gets a message from "Jane" saying she really, really, really needs to talk with him across the street. (I will hold off on any "Why did the turkey cross the road?" jokes...) Gland Man sashays outside and starts to cross the road when Whap! Some wacky blonde in a Sorority-Chick-Mobile, er a black Volkswagen Rabbit goes and whams into him then roars off. Quick cuts between Michael flatlining, Jane being served with a warrant and Julia Roberts pretending to be a nursing student. Will he survive?!?!? (Sweaty palms, sweaty palms...)
In the final scene, Alison shows up at her sister's house in San Francisco and discovers yup, it was the Paternal Pervert's little "Problem" that chased Sis out of the house as well. Several tearful scenes of sisters bonding later, (where's Sela Ward in this scene?!?!) Alison wants to take on her Philandering Father but Meredith is still afraid. More hugging. More tears. Fade to black as the camera pulls up and out to reveal One Depraved Daddy standing outside in the rain and he doesn't look very pleased...
Sweaty palms, sweaty palms...
Ah yes. Another season grinds to a gritty close leaving plots untied like so many apron strings on the maid in a ribald tale.
Long-time readers of the Update are already familiar with my observations concerning Alison and her parents. While the writers would have you think her nightmares and memories are due to tragic molestation as a child, Update readers realise the true interpretation: her parents are space aliens.
In a previous Update we learned how the darkness represents Alison's confusion for as a child she discovered her parents in the basement, desperately trying to contact their Home World. The Dark Doll is Alison, the "Dark Alison" who holds the Secret tight within her, doomed to ever bear this burden in silence. It is obvious her sister came to the same conclusions and she herself was forced from the house. Alison's father tells of "drugs" and "cults" in a vain attempt to cover up the early, feeble and unsuccessful attempts of the parents to cover up their eldest daughter's discovery with drug therapy and mind control.
Alison has one final dream in this episode where the Dark Doll appears against a backdrop of stairs; again symbolising the Dark Alison's descent into Evil, or at least what was programmed as Evil. We hear her cry for help, but no other humans can hear the plaintive mewing. The Dark Doll falls allegorically as Alison succumbs to the neural imprinting. Later in the episode, Alison's prophetic words describe how her parents are driving her crazy, little aware of the psychological depth of her statement.
In the climactic scene, Alison's memory returns in a flash and she cries out "I thought I was crazy: you're a monster." Now she realises that her parents are not human but a malevolent race of aliens bent on subjugating the entire world. It was They who perfected the mental tortures used to numb Alison's memory and bury recollection beneath smothering layers of foggy darkness. It was They who tormented her sister into silence with fear and threats. It is They who snarl "it never happened" as Alison remembers that evil day as she descended the stair to the basement and saw their lizard-like bodies huddled around the glowing Communicatron.
Now Alison has fled to San Francisco and the support of her sister. Little does she realise that her parents still control incredible technology, enabling them to transport themselves over hundreds of miles in mere seconds. Father stands outside his daughter's little apartment, waiting and watching as his pan-dimensional rage grows. There is little doubt next season's episodes will support this theory and develop these images further. Until then...
1) Billy took Donna Fleming to the senior prom. (Could've been worse: could've been Donna from 90210...)
2) Meredith moved away from home when Alison was 10.
Well, it's been a long season and after thinking about it for a while, I'm going to hold off examining Models Inc. as well as any Melrose Place reruns. I'll try to answer any email you send, but chances are I'll hold off on that as well. (Not that the Update staff doesn't appreciate your letters: it's just been a looong season...)
With any luck, you'll hear from us again, tanned, rested and ready this September.
1) Look closely during Kimberly's first seduction scene with Michael and you can see her flesh-coloured body suit in two shots. No wonder Michael has so much difficulty in bed...
2) When Kimberly and Sydney talk at Griffith park, watch their hair. Between the two camera angles the wind is blowing two separate directions.
3) While not a big problem, I was very impressed that Amanda wore black to the wedding...
4) Speaking of Amanda, notice that she wore a mini-mini- skirt to her sex-harassment hearing. Stefan from Honeywell also correctly noted that in the scene where Amanda's mother takes the stand, the judge tells her to "go ahead, dear." Ah, blind Justice...
5) Daddy sure got his butt from L.A. to San Francisco *real* fast...
Update reader Nancy who skulks around Microsoft pointed out that Meredith was played by Tracy Nelson who in Real Life is married to William R. Moses who played Psycho Keith. Ergo, Alison has slept with her sister's husband in a nightmarish Real World parallel to the Jane/Michael/Sydney troika.
To draw the real/fake life parallels even further, we turn to Jennifer at StarWave who observes that Tracy Nelson is Ricky Nelson's daughter. Ricky, you'll remember died in a plane crash where cocaine was found in the wreckage and Alison's father complains that Meredith has a drug problem. Pleasant dreams...
"When Michael's dead, God's going to do a jig." - Kimberly steps over the final threshold to become The Evil Seed Incarnate.
Those of you in agony over that missing titbit can finally rest. Here are the answers to last week's trivia:
10) How much is the rent at Melrose Place? $800 per month.
9) What nickname does Amanda hate? "Mandy". No doubt due to a tragic Barry Manilow experience...
8) Jake knows which character from 90210? Kelly. She appeared in the pilot and once more that season when a bunch of the 90210 pimpleheads came over to Melrose Place for a barbecue.
7) What is Billy and Alison's apartment number? Billy and Alison live in apartment #3 when they're not fighting, sleeping with other people or running away from psychopathic parents.
6) What is Alison's bra size? 34D. I know, I know. The writer are exercising poetic license here.
5) In what year was Jane born? 1969. (A very good year to be born, Woodstock crap notwithstanding...)
4) In the first season, Sandy talks about studying acting under which actor? Charles Nelson Reilly of "Match Game" fame. I was always partial to Brett Sommers myself...
3) After Jane loses her baby, Michael buys her a dog. What's the dog's name? Barney. They ended up giving the obnoxiously-friendly, purple dog to a "street lady" who lived on the beach. Rumour has it she made a mint with that dog...
2) What is Michael's beachfront address? 2248 Beachfront Drive. There was a subtle hint, if you didn't catch it...
1) Psycho-Man Keith divorced his wife to chase after Alison. What was his wife's name? Lily. She actually appeared in one scene and threatened Alison but nothing ever came of it. I like to think that Lily is still out there, feeding her rage and plotting...
"Let's do it again." - Kimberly to Michael as twelve-year-old boys across America faint in unison...
"You know I am sorry." - Michael to Kim.
"I'm sorry." - Alison.
"I hope you'll forgive me..." - Amanda sucks up.
"I'm sorry." - Hillary caps off another splendid evening of simpering...
"It never happened!" - Alison's father vehemently denies the fact when she reminds him he voted for Kennedy in 1960...
"It's a free country and I'll stand where I want to." - Sydney sees Judy and Johnny walk through the door and she ain't gonna budge an inch...
"My parents are driving me crazy!" - Alison to Billy as Dr. Ferreud nods his head and glares at his critics.
"It's about Michael." "Dear God, what is it now?" - Deadpan exchange as Kimberly and Dr. Levin reprise a scene from "That Darn Cat!" where Michael gets to play the cat.
"I should have let you [Michael] die." - Jane to Michael. That Mancini charm certainly has a way with women.
"You are so beautiful..." - Pops Palmer serenades his daughter with another mossy retread.
"All this time I thought I was crazy: you're a monster!!!" - Alison rears back in shock as her father peels his face off to reveal the lizard beneath. Outside we hear screams of horror as Kimberly removes her face...
"Things sure are getting weird around here." - Jo, the pregnant paragon of unperturbable peacefulness, comments on the carnage around her. Melrose Place is a great place to live if you can ignore all the damn vampires...
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Last modified: Thu Sep 15 19:07:38 1994